[Excerpt from police report, Orlando Tribute AUG 17, 2067]
6:54 am: Deputies arrived after report of a shooting only two hours earlier. Victim located in outhouse, speaking incoherently and attacking deputies with a Fluffy torso mounted on a toilet brush handle. Paramedics arrived thirty minutes after deputies discovered the man had been shot in the groin. A next door neighbor who observed the exchange while offering backup officers a beer admitted to having shot the man for killing his Fluffy. The aggressor was booked for assault with a deadly weapon and released pending trial.
[Transcript from USCNN, February 13, 2068]
âOn that note, today was the first day of deliberations for the jury in the case of Orlando resident Noah âBummyâ Pickehawd. Pickehawd confessed to shooting his neighbor William BJ Williams in the groin last year after Williams strangled Pickehawdâs Fluffy named Chammy. According to Williams the Fluffy was a Smarty who insulted him and defecated on his sandals, which he claimed in court were a family heirloom, a claim immediately dismissed with laughter by Judge DeWatts. A retrial over âbeing made fool ofâ was dismissed. Pickehawd, a 56 year old retiree from the Space Force and member of the Nabis mission to Mars, is known in his community for his open-door policy towards visitors and willingness to cook a meal for anyone who asks but according to signs posted at the entrances to his home anyone visiting before 10 am is trespassing. Williams, who was found with a combination of psilocybin and methamphetamines in his blood stream, had jumped the fence around 4 am and claimed he did not see the signs. Williams entered the home by breaking the lock and sat at the table demanding ribs. He then noticed Chammy, Pickehawdâs companion Fluffy, sitting on the chair next to him. Chammy was described as a Smarty that Pickehawd left in an outdoor kennel during the day and enjoyed talking to about politics. Here in an interview given earlier this day he describes what happened next. âGawddamn sh###at come up an say heâs a Smorty an gonna sh## on me, I tell him he gonna die if he sh## on me and before I even finish sayin he turn roun an sh#t on me an tell me he gonna kill me, so I throw him off the chair cause thats where people sit an I stomp him till the guts an shi# come out, like anyone would.â
It was then that Pickehawd, who had been busy putting pants on in the living room to greet his company, threatened Williams. âDen that Hugboxer sumbitch tell me he gonna shoot meh d#ck off, an I start tellin him only good use for a Fluffy is stew an rubbin un out an not in that order, an before I even finish sayin it he shoot meh d#ck off.â
Williams returned to his own property after unsuccessfully trying to jump Pickehawdâs fence three times, managing to get over but catching his pants leg on the fence gap and hanging from his ankle for several minutes before managing to wriggle free. âDen I sh#t mehself a second time.â
Pickehawd called police and paramedics then reportedly buried Chammy alongside his favorite Fluffy sexual device and a case of beer. He then sat in a lawn chair and reportedly taunted Williams, who had locked himself in an outhouse, until first responders arrived. Williams then ingested a bag if hallucinogenic mushrooms. Two hours later two officers arrived on the scene and were immediately attacked with a toilet brush which had the decayed carcass of a Fluffy impaled on the end. Officers drug him out of the outhouse then deployed a stun gun and mace when he continued to resist arrest.
According to reports Pickehawd had filmed the encounter while laughing, and offered drinks to backup police officers.
Political debate has elevated the case beyond typical Orlando morning shootings, with many different factions taking varying and often contradictory stances on the case. Gun rights advocates, various conservative politicians, advocates for the field of genetic modification as well as advocacy organizations for genetically altered humans, and Hugboxer groups including PETA have sided with Pickehawd. This is what Florida Governor Leon DeMass had to say earlier: âWhile I do not support the Hugboxer lifestyle and certainly enjoy a good Fluffshoot, it is not the place of the federal government to tell a man he cannot defend his home, or what kind of pet he can have. Thatâs why I vetoed the Common Sense Cowboy bill that sought to weaken Stand Your Ground protections, and thatâs why when the Fwuffy Wub bill reaches my desk I intend to sign it and guarantee Floridians have the right to protect their companions however terrible their choices may be.â Legal scholars are divided on whether states have the right to declare bio-engineered creatures as animals, but so far the federal government has allowed states to regulate the field themselves.
[Transcript from NACNN October 1, 2092]
âIt was a sad day for Orlando residents yesterday when Noah âBummyâ Pickehawd passed away of a stroke in his home. Many nationally may remember Bummy for his violent altercation with a neighbor which was the catalyst for political support for Fluffy rights in Florids, culminating in the signing of the Fwuffy Wub laws that granted Fluffies rights as animals in the state. You may also remember him as a member of the first team to make a successful orbit of Mars. But locals remember Bummy as a man fond of cooking for friends and neighbors, who chatted with his many Smarty Fluffy pets in the backyard over a beer and handed out bundles of condoms packaged with small bibles outside the University Of Central Florida main entrance at the start of semesters. Bummy is survived by his two children, fifteen grandchildren, and four great grandchildren as well as two Smarty Fluffies. In accordance with his wishes he will be cremated, the remains of his past Fluffies are to be dug up and cremated, and at the end of their natural lifespans his living Fluffies will similarly be cremated. The ashes will be mixed and placed into an urn which will be brought along to the Martian International Space Station and interred in the monument located in the entrance hall.