Fluffy-Grabber: Initial Proposal
After the monumental success of our rival company’s ‘Foal In A Can’ vending machines, we at FluffTech Innovations have begun looking into other ways of cornering the fluffy pony market.
The Fluffy-Grabber is our latest attempt: a modified crane game where all the prizes have been replaced with live fluffy ponies. For only a quarter, any man, woman or child can win their very own fluffy pony!
Addendum: there have been some concerns of late about the company’s status, due to recent layoffs, redundancies and currently pending lawsuits. But rest assured, no matter what, FluffTech Innovations will continue to strive for excellence in fluffy-pony-related merchandise and inventions, and just as soon as our recent spate of lawsuits is dealt with, we’ll be back to business as usual!
Fluffy-Grabber: Mark I Report
Chase looked at the machine looming before her. Yet another of FluffTech’s absurd creations.
The machine was basically every single coin-operated claw machine game you could find at any and every amusement park, arcade or boardwalk.
The only exception was that this one was full of live fluffies, all writhing around in a massive pile of fur, each one anxiously trying to catch her eye, all swaying between mortal terror at their predicament and genuine excitement that a ‘nyu mummah’ was visible beyond the glass.
Chase was just happy the glass was thick enough to contain most of their babbling so she didn’t have to hear it, beyond a dull squeaky murmuring.
Chase reached into her labcoat pocket and withdrew a small plastic coin, roughly the same shape and size as a quarter, a multitude of which had been provided for the experiment.
She fed the quarter into the machine, and it immediately began piping out compressed, pitch-shifted sound-clips graciously provided by some nobody voice-actor (knowing FluffTech, they went for the cheapest one they could find).
“HEWWO!” The speakers blurted. “WEWCOME TO DA FWUFFTECH FWUFFY-GWABBAH! TWY AND WIN A FWUFFY, AND TAKE DEM TO A NYU HOME!!!”
Inside the cabinet, the fluffies had been stirred into a fervor from the sound-clip, all fighting to get to the front of the glass to try and grab Chase’s attention.
She ignored them and gripped the joystick, testing it’s movement. Left and right, forwards and back, it moved around smoothly enough… she slid it over to where one fluffy was waiting, pushed to the back by it’s larger room-mates, and she pressed the red button on top of the joystick.
A plastic claw with padded tips was lowered on a cable, and it snapped closed around the fluffy with a ‘click’. The fluffy let out an ‘EEP’ as it was gripped by the claw, and was then slowly lifted into the air.
The fluffies began to notice what was happening, and began crying and wailing as their friend was seemingly kidnapped by a cold, unfeeling machine, lifting it high up into the air, and then off to god knew where next.
But that’s when things went wrong.
The fluffy began writhing and wriggling as it was lifted, flailing desperately as it tried to escape the harsh machine that was stealing it away from it’s friends.
Chase gripped the joystick, her eyes fixed on the writhing fluffy she had snared, and watched the claw carry it over towards the sectioned-off hatchway which would deliver the fluffy to Chase.
Then the fluffy, with one final twist, actually came free of the fragile claw. It fell only about 2 feet, and landed softly on it’s friends, but it immediately burst into tears, from the ‘pain’ Chase assumed, and a hug-pile soon formed.
Chase sighed, and took out her PDA to make a report.
‘Fluffy-Grabber Mk1 conclusion - failure. Claw does not grip fluffy tight enough, fluffies are living creatures and will fight to escape from anything they deem a danger. The claw must grip the fluffy tighter if customers are to have any success.’
At the end of her report, she left a single personal note.
‘Recommendation: claw must grip better, a thicker claw to grasp more of the fluffy body should work.’
Fluffy-Grabber: Mark II Report
Chase returned a few days later, her report having been taken under advisement, and worked into a revamped design for the Fluffy-Grabber.
The claw had been replaced entirely, originally it had been a small, spindly thing made out of two thin, flexible-looking metal pincers. Now, it looked closer to some kind of vice, with each pincer being several inches across and much larger than before. There was no chance of a fluffy pony wriggling free from that.
Chase fished another plastic coin out of her pocket, slotted it into the machine, and let it run through it’s jingle again before letting her take control. As before, the fluffy ponies leapt up in excitement and fear… although Chase noted they looked a little thinner than before.
She briefly wondered if they were being fed while inside the machine… and realised that seemed very unlikely.
She positioned the claw over one fluffy that had pushed and bullied his way up to the top of the crowd and was currently barking something at the others. Chase couldn’t hear it through the thick glass, but guessed it was something like ‘SMAWTY BETTAH DAN YOO DUMMEHS, GET OWDDA DAH WAY!’
So Chase picked him.
The claw lowered with a hiss of hydraulics, before it closed around the Smarty’s torso. He beamed with smug pride as he was lifted into the air… but as before, things went wrong almost immediately.
The claw was gripping him tight around the sides and the belly… too tight. As the Smarty was slowly lifted into the air, Chase saw his eyes start to bulge out as the claw squeezed tighter and tighter, crushing his chest in it’s merciless machine grip.
The Smarty’s body, unable to take the squeezing pressure anymore, emptied it’s bowels, absolutely soaking the entire crowd of fluffies underneath it as it was carried over towards the prize chute. Chase watched as the Smarty, all arrogance gone, replaced with painful misery, as it was slowly moved through the air, letting a shower of compressed liquid shit pour out of it’s anus as if from a firehose. The fluffies beneath were fighting to get out of the way of the foul brown spray, which only resulted in them pushing others into it’s path, who then fought for their own freedom, pushing others into the path, etc…
By the time the Smarty reached the prize chute, the entire herd was soaked with stinking brown fluid, which had splashed onto the glass walls of the machine and left them covered in dark, ugly streaks. With a heavy, wet ‘thud’ the Smarty was dropped into the chute, already dead from multiple crushed organs.
Chase pulled out her PDA again as the fluffies in the machine began to whine about the smell, and began typing her next report.
‘Fluffy-Grabber Mk2 conclusion - failure. Original claw did not grip tight enough, this claw now grips TOO tight. Fluffies are fragile beasts, they are being crushed to death by this new claw, and forced the fluffy to evacuate it’s bowels upon all others in the machine, ruining them as potential products.’
At the end of her report, she left another personal note.
‘Claw was TOO wide, must be thinner. Must still grip tight, but not compress as much of the fluffy body.’
Fluffy-Grabber: Mark III Report
More days passed before Chase finally returned.
The claw had been replaced again, this time with a gleaming set of steel pincers, wider than the original set but far smaller than the last ‘claw’.
Chase sighed, pushed her glasses up her nose, and slotted one of the plastic quarters into the machine. It blinked to life again, playing it’s happy jingle, and the fluffies inside began babbling and cooing as the lights turned on.
Chase grabbed the joystick and jerked it around, testing it’s manouverability once more. It all worked fine, same as usual, no delays, no issues.
Now the moment of truth.
She picked out the topmost fluffy, which was currently dancing to try and get her attention. The pincers lowered, and she pressed the red button on top of the joystick. The claw suddenly clamped shut, digging into the fluffy’s sides. The fluffy let out a tiny ‘eep’ before it was slowly pulled into the air. As it rose, Chase noted the pincers began to dig deeper, the gleaming steel points piercing the fluffy’s sides, causing droplets of blood to begin leaking out.
As the fluffy began to struggle, clearly in pain, the pincers sunk deeper into it’s body, turning the small droplets of blood into a steady trickle. Once more, as the fluffy was carried across to the chute, it’s blood hosed down and soaked the other fluffies.
Deeper and deeper the pincers dug into the tiny fluffy’s body, penetrating it’s guts and easing their way past it’s bones, until the two sharp metal points finally met in the middle.
By then, the fluffy was dead, and it hadn’t even made it half way to the chute. But as before, the rest of the fluffies in the machine were all soaked red from the downpour.
Chase didn’t even wait for the dead fluffy to land in the chute before she turned and left, pulling out her PDA for one last final report.
Fluffy-Grabber: Final Report
Absolute failure. The Fluffy-Grabber is the latest in a long line of terrible ideas that FluffTech should not waste it’s time pursuing.
Not only is this device fundamentally terrible in concept, people can find fluffy ponies in the street for free, and they breed like… well, we used to say ‘breed like rabbits’, but nowadays we say ‘breed like fluffy ponies’.
There’s absolutely no reason why anyone would ever bother spending even a single damn cent on a Fluffy-Grabber machine where they have a potential chance of losing altogether, when they could just grab a random stray out on the street and take it home completely for free.
Do not recommend pursuing this avenue any further, entire project has been a complete waste of time, money and resources.
Addendum: do not even consider letting the ‘Foal-Grabber’ progress beyond a blueprint, it will not even make it past Mark I.