Fluffy Columbo? That was a fucking mess… It was, uh, a test run, kinda. There were so many reports of fluffies getting upset because their owners wouldn’t let them watch human TV- and tons of reports of fluffies being traumatized when they were allowed to. So, we thought, why not just make fluffy versions of human shows?
It really wasn’t a bad idea… We’d just pick up a stale IP, make a few episodes, and if it worked? Boom, new block FluffTV programming, and we all get paid! I honestly think it could’ve played out well, if we didn’t have that psychopath [EXPUNGED] directing it.
The pilot was called Bad Mummah Trouble, standard two-minute FluffTV run-time. “Cowumbo” would walk in on a mare with two fat foals, and one skinny one. He would “deduce” that the Mummah wasn’t feeding one of her babies, tell her off for it, she’d cry, and feed the baby. The end!
We had the stars picked out already. The tan-furred, chocolate-maned earthie Hazelwood from Exercise! as “Cowumbo”, and the pretty pink pegasus Princess from Dancie Time! And her newborn foals would star as the Mummah and her babbehs. All of her foals were well-fed, so we gave her an extra shit-colored chirpie that was noticably younger than the rest of her litter.
The filming started out well enough. Princess was happily singing to her babies, and Hazelwood looked excited about his new show… Even I was optimistic! That all went out the window around halfway through the first- and only- scene.
“Cowumbo” walks into a safe room, sees the mare, her fat kids, yada yada… He goes, “Mummah am gud mummah?”
Princess, she goes, "Yesh! Am bestest mummah!
“If 'ou am bestest mummah, den hao come… ‘Ou nu gib poopies babbeh miwkies to gwow big an’ stwong?”, with this, “Cowumbo” gave a smug look to the camera. Cute, I thought. [EXPUNGED]? He didn’t exactly agree…
Almost instantly, he stormed onto the little set, screaming, “FUCKING UNPROFESSIONALS!! DON’T LOOK AT THE FUCKING CAMERA!!! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ACTING? DID YOU GO TO FUCKING FILM SCHOOL? NO?? THEN STICK TO THE SCRIPT, SHIT-RAT!”
[EXPUNGED] stormed off set, long enough for Hazelwood to finish crying. He came back, still fuming, [REDACTED] talked him down a little, give him some cigs, and it was time for take two. Now, director meltdowns are nothing new on FluffTV sets, but I’ve never seen anything like what he did next, before or since.
Hazelwood and Princess went through their lines again. I watched [EXPUNGED] carefully. Within the 30 seconds of dialogue, he burned through two cigarettes. One draw each.
“-nu gib poopies babbeh miwkies to gwow big an’ stwong?”, Hazelwood finished his line, making sure to keep his eyes locked on Princess this time.
Princess feigned crying, “Boo hoo! Am bad Mummah! Am su, su saddies! Boo hoo!”
[EXPUNGED] got out of his seat again, and, very calmly, walked onto the set. Hazelwood ran away to his “trailer” (a pet carrier with a kibble bowl in it). The director asked Princess, “Are you even trying to be sad? Why aren’t you crying?”
Princess looked up at him with her big glossy eyes, “N-nu can cwy, Mistah Diwectaw! Nu am weawwy saddies!”
“You can’t cry, huh? I’ll help you. I’ll make you sad…” [EXPUNGED] said, looking down at the three fat little foals at her feet.
He picked up a little blue foal in his hands, ignoring it’s pleas of ‘bad upsies!’. “What’s this one’s name?”, he asked.
“Dat am Pwincewing! Am bestest babbeh!”, Princess beamed with pride.
The foal wiggled in his hands, looking up at him, and began rapidly flailing his front hooves. I could hear the fat little thing huffing. “Wook Mistah Diwectaw,” the foal squeaked, “am dancie fwuffy jus’ wike Mummah!”
[EXPUNGED] broke the little child actor fluffy’s neck in an instant, and dropped it at the mare’s feet. “Sad now?”
Princess stared at the broken little body, tears welling up in her eyes… Before she looked back up with a knowing smile. “Tee-hee! Siwwy Diwectaw! Dis am scawy-movie twick! Bestest babbeh am actow, jus’ wike Princess!”
The director’s face turned red. No one on set dared to move. [EXPUNGED] brought his foot up, and began stomping every foal surrounding Princess, even the fucking chirpie we threw in there! He was screaming, “DOES THIS- LOOK LIKE- A TRICK- TO YOU???”
He stomped and stomped, until all of Princess’s babies were smoosh-meat. Her pupils were pinpricks. As she looked down at the viscera, all she could mumble out was, “Uhm… Actow babbehs?”
We decided to wait a while before take three. Princess was officially “retired” that evening, and settled down in her Beverly Hills condo. By that, I mean a dumpster behind the studio lot. Hasbio can’t have their stars out on the streets, y’know? We replaced her with another FluffTV icon, a purple unicorn named Bebe, and the babies with a bunch of plushies.
Take three started out as good as it could get. A Mummah in a safe room, "Cowumbo walks on set. The Mummah goes, “Hewwo! Am gud fwuffy Mummah!”
Hazelwood, he goes, “Hewwo! Fwuffy am Hazew- uhm, am Cowumb-”
He didn’t get to finish his line before the director blew his head off. Yeah, [EXPUNGED] brought a gun to work so he could commit pre-meditated fluffy murder. Bebe was permanently deafened, a coffee girl sued the studio for PTSD, and needless to say, the pilot was canned. Guess who caught the blame for it?
That’s right. I’m writing this because I got fucked, and [EXPUNGED] is still directing fluffy flicks. I hope that at least a few internet weirdos will read this, just so they know about the kind of people in charge at Hasbio Studios.