George sat in front of his brand new computer, in awe by the contraption. Everything nowadays had to use one of these things, and he’d somehow skipped over being dragged into it. Not anymore.
“Now how do I…” Moving the cursor cautiously to the funny lookin’ symbol his daughter had said used to surf the World Wide Web, he gripped the mouse tightly. Hand shaking like he was on a bomb squad that was working on a really sensitive target. Clicked once on the icon. It did nothing. Why couldn’t she have stayed longer to help him out? He was seventy years old!
Scowling, he began clicking the icon rapidly. Finally the page opened up, well like 7 different pages did. Not like he knew. The most important thing to do right now was type into the ‘search engine’ and begin surfing.
Let’s see. What did he need to do first? Oh, right? Hunching over his keyboard, he began tapping his fingers deliberately and slowly. First he looked up sports scores. He would do absolutely nothing with the information but had been looking at them for as long as he could remember and the local newspaper had gone defunct, a Mediterranean restaurant opening at the office. Ethnic food gave him diarrhea but that’s not important right now.
Eyes glazing over as he was provided the information he was looking for, he nodded a bit. “Alright, personal computer. Let’s just see what you do now.”
Opening a new tab for another search, he typed in ‘casino game free money casino card las vegas casino game’. A few results popped up and he’d click on the first one, was brought to a page with a little play button. Clicking on it, it’d display an error message.
“Flash player? Don’t this have a flash player? The Geek Squad told me it was good to go!” He said, disgusted. Know what he needed? Help. Clicking the little + sign, he opened yet another tab and typed in his query.
‘help computer help need assistance’. Watching the results pop up, he clicked on the very first one because that had to be the best result. The web page displayed one of those cute little pony whats-its. Fluffies? Yeah that was them. A bright red unicorn with a blue mane and tail standing next to a giant ‘DOWNLOAD NOW’ button. At first George was wary but then something popped up on his screen. Putting on his reading glasses, he leaned in to read the pop-up.
“Hello, I’m Fluffy Buddy but just call me Buddy. It looks like you have a computer virus! You’d better download me.” Sitting back in shock, George shook his head. A virus? But he had McAfee! Directing the cursor to the download button, he clicked it rapidly.
Things happened. Menus popped up. Bars shot up, things unpacked themselves. Honestly this was too much to keep up with. Enable the built-in microphone and camera? Yes. Enable the program to have all permissions? Of course. His social security number and credit card information? It took a moment to find his wallet but he gave the program the information it required. Eventually, something popped up on his screen.
The red and blue unicorn from the website! Getting on his hind-legs, the virtual fluffy shuffled back and fourth on George’s desktop.
“Hewwo nyu daddeh! Am Buddy! Buddy am hewp yew suuu gud!” A giant smile. Honestly it was pretty cute and made George felt a little relieved. Cute meant it wasn’t dangerous.
“Uhh, hi.” Feeling a little ridiculous to be speaking to his machine. “I’m George. Yeah, I could use some help. I just got this computer and it’s got AIDS!”
Frowning a bit, Buddy looked around the desktop. It was so cold and lonely. Just an icon for the Internet and a calculator. George’s daughter had done her due diligence to get rid of preloaded stuff. “Dun wowwy, nyu daddeh. Buddy am su hewpfuw.”
Buddy lifted up his tail, grunted, shit out a new icon. Wandered across the screen, continued to shit out another one. George watched in quiet fascination and horror as Buddy proceeded to use his once pristine desktop as a litterbox, quite literally shitting it up with one unneeded app after another. Was this help? He didn’t know.
“Uhh…Buddy…” He looked away from the PC, not wanting to see it defecate any longer.
“Daddeh? Daddeh wan watch moobie?” After he had littered the screen with numerous icons, Buddy did a dance. Oh. Actually, he could go for that. Nodding, George reached for his wallet again.
This was the future and he’d been wanting to see a new movie. Buying them on this was new and exciting. “Sure, Buddy. How much will it cost?”
Giggling to himself, Buddy tapped his hooves against one of the icons and brought up an incredibly suspicious looking app. “Wook daddeh! Nyu moobehs ‘fo fweesies! Buddy suu smawties!”
Wait. He had heard about this on the news. Nothing ever came for free. This was DIGITAL PIRACY. George shook his head furiously. “No Buddy, no! This is what people get in trouble for! The FBI is gonna knock in my front door and throw me in the pen!”
Buddy looked from side to side. Gave a tentative giggle. “Daddeh, eff-bee-aye nuu am hewe. Am just Buddy. Fwee moobehs…” Though given the look on his ‘owner’s’ face, the fluffy knew that it was a hopeless endeavor.
“How about casino games, Buddy? I’d love to play some.” Oh! Casino games. Sure! Buddy had some of those. Helpfully scurrying over to a games app, the stallion banged against the icon with his hooves. Watching a page open up, George nodded and used the mouse to select blackjack.
On the very first hand he got two 10s. Wow! What luck. Maybe Buddy was like a rabbit’s foot or something. Poking a thumb up, George navigated to stand. The fluffy shook his head.
“Nuuu, daddeh! Dobew-down, dobew down!” Taking control of the situation, Buddy slammed himself down on the button for the double down. Which of course was the wrong move.
Slamming a fist down on the desk, George hollered at the screen. “Dang it you goddarn meathead! You don’t double-down on 20! Idjit!” The yelling caused Buddy to cower on the side of the screen and give a small ‘huuhuu’.
“Nu wub Buddy nu mowe? Am bad fwuffy? Am omwy widdew babbeh.” Watching the pathetic little digital creature cower, George sighed a bit. It might not be real but it still tugged at his heartstrings a little bit.
This had been a giant mental strain on him so far. Learning a lot. An old dog and new tricks, all that. Rubbing at his temple, George waved a hand a bit. “I’m going to go lay down for a nap, Buddy. Be good. Don’t eat my cookies or megabits.”
Buddy smiled soooo big! “Dun wowwy daddeh! Fwuffies am su gud! Wun do anyfing wong!”
+++++++++
Snoozing in bed for perhaps an hour, George found himself roused out of sleepiness by constant ringing from his cellphone. He had one of those phones with a simple display and a giant number pad. Did it do texting or anything else beyond make calls? No it did not. It also rarely ever rang. Swiping the phone from his bedside table, he answered it.
“George’s mortuary. You stab ‘em, we slab ‘em.” He’d mumble into the receiver, groaning a bit as he sat up. There was a pause on the other end.
“Sir, we’d like to inform you that there have been a number of troubling purchases from your credit card and…” Listening to the person on the other end, horror mounted in the old man’s heart. Was this because of the virus? Wasn’t Buddy supposed to have taken care of this!?
“Cancel everything! I don’t care! Get them off my dang card!” He hollered, making his way into the den where the computer had been sit up. Buddy was waiting there, and…a few more friends too.
“Wook daddeh! Buddy get suuu many spechaw fwends! And dey hab babbehs!” There were so many virtual pets now on the screen! A rainbow of fluffies. Each of them babbling. All of them shitting out even more icons! It was getting too much to even comprehend. Oh God. He knew this was a bad idea. It was like a demon: You had to let one into your life for it to destroy you.
“Hewwo daddeh! Wub yew!” Cried a pink mare which was currently showing him her babbehs. Five different pop-ups appeared on the screen, each of a shitty jpeg of a different foal.
“Mawy’s babbehs am beddah babbehs!” Squealed an orange mummah, shoving the first one out of the way. More pop-ups of foals spread out across the screen. Rubbing at his eyes, George shook his head. What had his daughter told him before?
The recycle bin. It’s where you put trash. Right there in the corner of the screen, unmolested by the fluffies which were currently populating his cyberspace. Clicking on the individual mares, he dragged them over to the bin icon. Dropped them inside. There was a screech of electronic feedback, the once empty icon showing that it was filled with something. Buddy puffed his cheeks out.
“Yew beddah not, daddeh! Dummeh! Buddy am smawty fwuffy naow!” Three more mares got thrown right in the bin. Dancing across the desktop, Buddy ‘tipped’ the recycle bin over. Once again, the fluffies he’d deposited into it flooded out back onto the computer.
A chorus of ‘Nu wub fwuffy?’ and ‘Meanie daddeh!’ chimed in from his speakers. You know what was a solution to this?
Dragging his cursor over to the McAfee icon which had been there this whole time, Buddy watched in horror.
“Nu! Daddeh, nuuuu! Dat am meanie fing! Nu daddeh! Dun cwick dat! Pwease!” He was just an old man with a shitty anti-virus protection that may as well have been considered a virus, but it was his only hope. This was a shining day, a redemption:
McAfee would actually help someone.
As George clicked it to open it, Buddy grabbed the cursor with his mouth. Attempted to drag it away, digging his hooves down into the desktop and wrenching around a bit. Yet George double-tapped the icon and watched the program pop up.
“Scanning for viruses…” He said with wonder, watching as fluffies scurried away. They opened brand new folders and disappeared into the icons, each assigning themselves individual names. So many of them.
“Viruses detected.” George whispered to himself, jumping back as the tool began isolating the different folders which the digital fluffies had hidden themselves away in. There was a cacophony of voices pleading.
“Nuuu daddeh, pwease hewp! Am omwy fwuffy! Fwuffies am ‘fo downwoads an’ hewp!” Cried one, a garbled mechanical screaming issuing from his speakers as it was digitally mulched. Disappeared completely from the screen.
Folders began to disappear one after another.
“Hab babbehs!” One pleaded, being sent to the virtual afterlife was the virus protection did it’s thing.
“Hot an’ sexy spechaw fwends in yew awea, daddeh! Pwease!” Another tried to bargain with him, giving a chiptune gurgle as it was sent to greener pasture.
These fluffies stood no chance for the virus protection. Could no longer reproduce. Just like what they were based off of, they were pathetic and basic creatures. Each folder zipped away before there was one left. ‘Buddy’.
Popping out of his hiding place, the fluffy which had started this all looked to George with pleading eyes.
“Daddeh, yew am bestest daddeh. Pwease nu gib fwuffy huwties. Dun wan fowebbah deweties. Wan hewp yew fowebbah. Wub fwuffy? Pwease? Daddeh?” This didn’t matter though because even if he’d wanted to, McAfee was on a warpath. Glancing down to his front hooves, Buddy gave a small whimper as they began to disappear in bits of shredded pixels before going away altogether.
++++
Well. That was that. Boy, PC’s sure were an adventure weren’t they? Was he put off from using it? Honestly, that was his first urge. That had all been quite frightening for an old-timer. Yet there was something pressing on his mind.
Even though fifteen web browsers were already open, George opened seven more. Hunched over his keyboard. Tapped carefully.
‘Cream corn buy now’