“Welcome to Fluffy data storage, Inc. We are not a thinly veiled cover for hilarious abuse under the guise of being a data storage facility. I’m Dr. Frank Redacted, let us begin the tour.” Dr. Redacted announced, bowing as he gestured the small crowd of news reporters and investors to enter the modest facility.
“Here at Fluffy data storage, Inc, or FDSI for short, we securely store data via a novel use of a quirk of fluffy neural programming. All fluffies are programmed through their very DNA to instantly memorize any name given to them, and as I am about to demonstrate, this memorization is shockingly precise.” Dr. Redacted guided the reporters and investors through double doors to a medium sized room containing several belabcoated scientists working at lab tables and several dozen fluffies, most of them in cages lining the walls or in one of a few small pens which appeared to contain distinct family groups.
“For our first demonstration, please observe this fluffy,” Dr. Redacted indicated a blue unicorn stallion sitting patiently on one of the lab tables. “What is your name?”
The fluffy looked at Dr. Redacted with panic in its eyes before opening its mouth, seemingly against its own will.
“01100110 01110101 01100011 01101011 00100000 01100010 01101001 01110100 01100011 01101000 01100101 01110011 00100000 01100111 01100101 01110100 00100000 01101101 01101111 01101110 01100101 01111001 am cawwed 01100110 01110101 01100011 01101011 00100000 01100010 01101001 01110100 01100011 01101000 01100101 01110011 00100000 01100111 01100101 01110100 00100000 01101101 01101111 01101110 01100101 01111001 Doktah Wedakted.” The fluffy said politely, albeit with a bit of difficulty.
“Very good, from now on your name is Bartholomew.”
“BAWFAWAMUU WUB NU NAMESIE! Su much easiah tu say! Tank yu Doktah Wedakted!” The fluffy said, with literal tears of joy streaming down his face.
“As you can see, anything you name a fluffy will be perfectly recited, fluffy-speak notwithstanding. Furthermore, even if the fluffy is badly mentally scarred, so long as it responds to prompting at all, the information encoded in its name can be extracted, as I shall now demonstrate.” Dr. Redacted said, heading over to a different table where a box much larger than a fluffy sat covered by a white sheet. Pulling off the sheet, Dr. Redacted revealed an advanced age fluffy life support system, designed to keep fluffies alive for as long as possible.
Inside the box was a pillowed grayish-white fluffy with hints of red fluff and mane. The fluffy looked positively ancient, having survived far longer than Hasbio had ever intended. Dr. Redacted removed the blinders and feeding tube from the fluffy, and its eyes darted around the room in confused panic.
“Sha sha sha sha sha sha sha sha sha,” It muttered, its head wobbling slightly as long dormant muscles tried to move.
“To really show the effectiveness of our data storage technique, this fluffy has been spoken to precisely once before today, and that was to tell it its name nearly fifty years ago. Since then it has been in near perfect sensory deprivation.” By this point the fluffy had shifted to saying ‘fafa fafa’ over and over again.
“Even though it is completely insane, with massive brain damage and cortical lesions after all this time, watch what it can still do.” Dr. Redacted turned to face the fluffy, who was now flapping his jaw while emitting a soft and steadily oscillating ‘aaaa’ sound.
“What is your name?”
The fluffy stopped what it was doing, shuttered harshly and for the first time since its reveal focused its eyes, locking them directly onto Dr. Redacted.
“01010111 01100101 00100000 01100011 01101111 01110101 01101100 01100100 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110110 01100101 00100000 01110101 01110011 01100101 01100100 00100000 01110000 01101100 01100001 01101001 01101110 00100000 01110100 01100101 01111000 01110100 00100000 01100010 01110101 01110100 00100000 01100010 01101001 01101110 01100001 01110010 01111001 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01101101 01110101 01100011 01101000 00100000 01101100 01100101 01110011 01110011 00100000 01100101 01100110 01100110 01101001 01100011 01101001 01100101 01101110 01110100 00101100 00100000 01101101 01100001 01101011 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01100110 00100000 01101111 01110010 00100000 01100101 01111000 01110100 01110010 01100001 00100000 01110011 01110000 01101001 01100011 01111001 00100000 01100001 01100010 01110101 01110011 01100101 am cawwed 01010111 01100101 00100000 01100011 01101111 01110101 01101100 01100100 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110110 01100101 00100000 01110101 01110011 01100101 01100100 00100000 01110000 01101100 01100001 01101001 01101110 00100000 01110100 01100101 01111000 01110100 00100000 01100010 01110101 01110100 00100000 01100010 01101001 01101110 01100001 01110010 01111001 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01101101 01110101 01100011 01101000 00100000 01101100 01100101 01110011 01110011 00100000 01100101 01100110 01100110 01101001 01100011 01101001 01100101 01101110 01110100 00101100 00100000 01101101 01100001 01101011 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01100110 00100000 01101111 01110010 00100000 01100101 01111000 01110100 01110010 01100001 00100000 01110011 01110000 01101001 01100011 01111001 00100000 01100001 01100010 01110101 01110011 01100101, dz dz dz dz dz dz dz dz dz dz…”
It managed to repeat ‘dz’ about twenty more times before shuttering again and going still. A light on the life support box lit up indicating that the fluffy was dead. One of the reporters took a close-up of its lifeless face.
“So, who wants to buy stock in FDSI?”