Feral fluffy ponies have become a nuisance in many cities around the world, but they have especially become a pest in the quiet suburban neighborhoods of North America. The gracious attitudes of residents who comply with smarty demands or simply feel compelled to feed them because of their cuteness has proven to be a mistake as their high reproduction rates, bratty behavior, and tendency to defecate everywhere has turned once peaceful communities into feral shit-covered wastelands. In some areas, they even outnumber the skunks, raccoons, and feral cats combined.
In partnership with the American Association for Fluffy Cleanup (AAFC), Envoy Engineering has helped create a number of traps and pest control methods to keep the feral population in check. All of them are available at your local hardware and department stores. If you’re looking to get the creatures out of your yard and keep them out, look no further than our fine selection of fluffy pest control products to make your neighborhood fluffy free.
Enfie Zapper
This device comes as a complete model of a fluffy mare, sprayed with female pheromones and a hole in the rear. Later models also come with a small speaker in the mouth that says it wants “special huggies.” Any horny stallions in the area and expecially smarties won’t resist mating with it, and as soon as they mount and put their “pee pee stick” in the hole, they’ll be hit with enough volts of electricity to stop their heart and kill them instantly. Earlier models have a bug when the Enfie Zapper’s battery runs below 25% where the voltage would weaken until the device was charged, and sometimes the stallions would survive the initial shock. However, it still provides enough current to destroy the fluffy’s genitals and leave them impotent for life. It is generally recommended to keep them at a high charge, since it won’t completely eliminate the problem if you have a fluffy wandering around your neighborhood constantly whining about the loss of his special place and not being able to have sex anymore. Later models remove this bug, and zaps at even 1% battery life are still fatal. The Enfie Zapper is also rain and snow proof, and typically costs about $40.
Sketties Dispenser
This machine comes as a 3 by 4 foot box that can cook spaghetti, sauce and meatballs, and dispense them to fluffies when they press the big red button. However, the only way to dispense is to pay the “foal toll” as baby fluffies must be put into the slot before the sketties come out. The Sketties Dispenser has multiple security features to ensure fluffies cannot put anything else foal-sized into the machine to cheat the system. The spaghetti can be poisoned at the user’s leisure so that both the foals and adults are properly dispatched. In addition, Volume 2 models have an infinite meatball supply technology that will consistently grind up the foals and mold and cook their meat into fresh protein. That way the hamburger never needs to be replaced, only noodles and sauce. This product is especially useful during the winter months when natural food is scarce and mummahs and herds become desperate. You’d be surprised by how many are willing to sacrifice their own babies for a bite of spaghetti that’s probably poisoned and often made from their own kind. Disgusting creatures. The device costs anywhere from $80 to $150 depending on size, with an optional $30 setup fee
Fluffy Deterrent Spray
Our most humane and simplest method for keeping fluffies away, our fluffy deterrent has been tested to have a 99.9% effective rate. A spray with a strong pungent odor undetectable by humans, mixed with the pheromones and scents of various predators, fluffies can smell it from up to 50 meters away, and unless it’s a particularly bold or desperate one, will almost always instinctively avoid or leave the area. The spray is waterproof, non-toxic, and the scent can last for up to a month, so feel free to spray your backyard, patio, garage, basement, or wherever you have a fluffy problem. Additionally, spraying a fluffy directly is so effective, it can often cause them to immediately enter the “wan die” loop from just how bad they smell, and they’ll often be ostracized and avoided by their herd and other fluffies as a result. Expect to only pay $3 to $5 per can.
We here at Envoy Engineering are open to fan feedback and would love to hear any ideas for fluffy traps you may have that we can make a reality in the near future. Which products work best for you?