“Hey Rick, got a job for you. Bunch of ferals set up in a shed, new home owners just found em. No idea how long they’ve been there.”
Rick spun around in his office chair, stroking his beard, “How many?”
“Not sure. Home owners didn’t bother to get a count but there was at least one mummah who wouldn’t stop trying to show off her babies.”
Rick chuckled and grabbed his coat, his keys, and a box of Sketti flavored treats, “Send the address to my phone, I’ll get the van ready.”
Rick was a professional Fluffy Removal Specialist which mostly amounted to telling a few white lies, indulging in a fair deal of bribery, and in rare cases a net. Fluffies aren’t particularly hard to get rid of, but most folks that call for help either don’t want to bother or can’t bring themselves to throw the poor things out of their nests.
Rick was in his mid forties, slightly heavyset and more than a little out of shape. He could still easily outrun the fastest fluffy but most are happy to follow him into his windowless van for the promise of a warm home and sketti flavored candy.
His van had a custom interior that looked like one of those padded rooms for crazy folks, just a bit smaller and with a lot more pastels. Easy to hose off and safe enough for transporting fluffies to wherever they were going to next. Compartments for cleaning supplies, harnesses, leashes, and a surgery kit for if things really went south.
Rick hopped into the driver’s seat and hit the ignition. Raffi blared from the speakers. “Darn it, forgot to change it back” he thought to himself over the roar of Banana Phone. Fluffies love the classics, but Rick preferred to only listen to kids music when he had to. He swapped out the fluffy playlist for his driving tunes and sped out into the road.
“Mummah wub babbehs, babbehs…” mummah asked as she tilted her head expectantly towards her children.
“Babbehs wub mummah!” cheered a tiny crowd of fluffs.
“Babbehs ams su smawt!” Mummah clapped her front hooves together in delight. Her new nestie was warm, cozy, and most of all it was very safe. Her special friend brought them here a few bright times ago, at least as many as two whole sets of legs.
The family had managed to find an unlocked shed and let themselves in after a bit of difficulty opening the door. Mummah didn’t like having to be the stepstool but after getting inside her new nest she readily admitted it was very very worth it.
Her special friend, the love of her life and the most handsomest stallion she had ever met, was out finding nummies. After playing with the babbehs, mummah waddled around tidying up the nest which mostly amounted to brushing the occasional bad poopies into the poopies place.
There was a knock on the door, but far too high up to be her special friend. She froze.
“He-hewwo?” Mummah asked cautiously, “Nuh… nuh wons hewe!” A clever ruse on the part of mummah. Just to be safe she shooed her babbehs behind her but who could see past her lie?
“Yeah, see? Not even sure how they got in but I don’t want to deal with these things. Just get rid of em and make sure more can’t get in.”
“Can do, Sir. I’ll take it from here.”
Another knock on the door.
“Miss, can I come in?” Rick asked in the gentlest tone he could manage.
“Uhhh… stiww nuh won hewe!” Mummah replied, increasingly nervous.
“Well, if there’s no one here I suppose I can just go on in.” Rick slowly opened the door.
Mummah shrieked. “Nuh! Nuh huwt mummah oh babbehs!” She started running around in a circle in panic, small trickles of pee escaping in her terror. The babies started crying from their hiding spots. It was going about as well as expected, no one liked having a stranger barge into their living room.
“Well, darn. Somebody told me there was no one here. My apologies, do you have a name miss?” Rick crouched down and gave the panicking fluffy a small wave.
Mummah stopped and considered Rick. She did say there was no one here, so it’s not like he was trying to be a meanie and break into someone’s nestie… “Mummah’s namesie ams mummah! Cuz hab babbehs. Uh… fwuffy nuh hab babbehs. Bewwy Sad. Many heart hurties.”
The hidden foals started crying louder, “Buh mummah! Ams babbeh! Ams hewe!” They poked their heads out and waddled toward their mummah, eyes glistening from tears.
Rick smiled. Always a pleasure working with a good mummah. This one was trying her hardest to out think him despite her very limited abilities, “It’s ok, Mummah. I’m not here to hurt you. But I am here to take you to a new nest, you can’t live here anymore.”
“Buh… dis ams famwy’s nestie! Nuh won wuz hewe, wai take nestie?” The mummah puffed up her cheeks and stomped, “Nu Faiw! Hab bestest nestie an wawms!” Her tantrum was ended by the sad chirping of babbehs.
The mummah’s foals were now surrounding her, crying that they were here, “Babbehs, Mummah wub yu. Was tewwin fibbews tu twick hoomin staww-” she stopped herself mid sentence and looked at Rick. She gulped.
“It’s fine, Mummah. I know you were just trying to keep your babies safe. You’re a good mummah.”
Mummah’s eyes shifted around the room as she tried to think, “Mistah wan see babbehs? Mebbe wet fwuffies keeps nestie?” Mummah was pulling out all the stops. Babbehs were the best thing, showing off her babbehs would win him over. It had to. She picked up the foal closest to her. A red filly with a white mane, “Dis ams Weddie. Babbeh ams mostest wed fwuffy, wub Weddie.”
Reddie coo’d and giggled.
“Dis ams Chocos” Mummah held up a creamy brown foal to Rick, “Ams mostest bwon babbeh, ams splowe babbeh! Eben finds nummies!” Chocos waved its little hooves at Rick.
Rick smiled and nodded along. Mummahs love showing off their babbehs and letting them do it was an easy way to win over just about any of them. Good, bad, just about every mummah would drop whatever they’re doing to show off a babbeh.
“Ans dis ams most pointiest babbeh. Habs pwetty pointy. Namesie ams Fwowa cuz awso ams pwetty yewwow.”
“And dis ams wastest babbeh. Ams cawwed Gweenie cuz babbeh ams gween. Ams wingie babbeh buh nuh cans fwy yets.”
“You’ve got some very good babies, Mummah. Is that all of them?”
Mummah looked forlornly into the distance and sighed wearily, “Yus. Mummah hads won otha babbeh buh she wen fowevah sweepies.”
Rick nodded. Fluffies were terrible liars, so asking a mummah if she had any other children was a simple way to make sure you got them all. “I’m sorry to hear that. Is it just you and your special friend that live here?”
“Yus. Speshal Fwen nuh wike hewds, sayses dat hewds onwy wead tu sowwies su we ams jus babbehs ans mummah ans daddeh.”
“Alright then. I suppose we’ll just wait for him to get back. I’d love to meet him. Would you like a treat?” Rick opened a compartment of his tool box and took out a small red candy. He unwrapped it and offered it to Mummah.
She eyed it suspiciously. Rick shrugged and popped it into his mouth. Not the best tasting thing, it was like a solid block of marinara that was sickly sweet. “See? Tasty. Yum.” Rick’s poker face was terrible, but the average feral wouldn’t be able to tell. A domestic? They’d see right through him but it’s rare to see one that doesn’t jump at getting treats.
“…Otay. Can Mummah has?”
“Certainly.” Rick offered the mare another piece of candy. She took a tentative lick and her eyes shot wide open. She sucked it off of Rick’s hand like a vacuum cleaner picking up dust.
“Dis ams bestest nummies EBAH.” The mare was in shock. How could food taste this good? It was like a dream came true that she never even knew she had. “Speshaw Fwen nee tu habs dis!” She spit out the candy onto a shelf for safe keeping. Of course, now it’s covered in lint, fluffy, and dust.
Rick checked his watch. He could give it another 15 minutes or so before having to get a move on. Worst comes to worst he’d set up a trap and come back for the stallion tomorrow.
Thankfully he didn’t have to wait long. Four tiny knocks at the bottom of the door signaled to Mummah that Daddeh had returned. She diligently climbed up shelving and worked the handle of the door, letting her Stallion in.
“Mummah, habs nummies! How ams ba-” The stallion stopped mid sentence after noticing Rick. Dropping the nummies he shouted, “Mummah! Hoomin!”
“Ams nice mistah. Showeded him babbehs, gabe mummah bestest nummie ebah.”
The stallion sighed. His special friend was a good mummah, a good fluffy, and a great special friend but she wasn’t exactly the sharpest corner of a block. “Mummah. Speshaw Fwen. Dawwing. Hoomin ams hewe tu make famwy weabe.” Daddeh gave an angry glance towards Rick and whispered a bit too loudly, “Ans mebbe huwties.”
Mummah gasped. She had forgotten that Rick was here to make her leave! “Nu wan webe! Nu huwties!”
“Now, Daddeh. Can I call you daddeh?”
“Ams Wocket.”
“Rocket, I don’t like having to do this but you can’t live here anymore. Someone bought the house that your nest is part of and needs you to leave. Now, I know it’s a hard ask. You folks seem very happy.”
“Ams mostest happiest famwy. Nuh Webe.”
“But if you don’t come with me willingly, there will be meanies who will take you anyways and maybe even hurt you while doing it. There’s no winning here, Rocket. You seem like a smart young man, I’m sure you realize.”
The stallion sighed. He had run away from a meanie daddeh who hit rocket for his brothers bad poopies. He knew there was no fighting a human. The best he could do would be to run away, and there’s no way Mummah and the babbehs could keep up. On top of that, the human was between Mummah and the door. “Wocket… am wistening.”
“I promise to take you to a very nice shelter. It’s run by a very good friend of mine. Well funded, lots of space for families. She’ll make sure you get everything you need to be happy. Promise.”
The stallion looked from his special friend to the smiling faces of his beloved babies. He’d have to risk taking a chance on this human. He refused to abandon his family. “Famwy… wiww go. Buh if wyin, Wocket gib wowstest sowwy hoofies!” Rocket knew it was an empty threat, but the stallion still had his pride.
“I’m glad you’ve seen reason, Good man. By the way, where have you folks been doing your poopies?”
The stallion trotted over to a corner of the room and lifted a flap of cardboard. The stench quickly filled the room, “Dis ams poopie pwace. Foh good poopies.”
Rick nodded, “I’ll have to clean that up after I get you folks sorted. Alrighty. Mummah, Rocket, get your babies. I’ve got a fun treat for you all waiting outside.”
Rocket hesitated briefly and then placed the babbehs on mummah’s back. The family followed Rick outside who opened up the back of his van and lowered a padded ramp, “Here we are. Step on up and help yourself to the toys.”
Inside were foam blocks, balls of different shapes and sizes, water dispensers and even a small covered litter box. There was also a hidden compartment for the more difficult fluffies but this family wasn’t going to be much of a problem.
“Waow.” Mummah said as she walked inside. “Su many toysies!” Mummah knelt down and gently shook off her babbehs, “babbehs, dis ams baww. Ams goodest toysies.”
Rocket was about to say that blocks were actually better but decided not to make a fuss, “Dis ams… nice. Dis vroom munstah, wight?”
“Yep. Soon as I finish cleanup up after you folks we’ll be driving off to the shelter. Shouldn’t be too long, you did a good job keeping clean.”
“Otay.”
“I’m going to shut the door now, help yourself to anything in the room. I promise you made the right choice here.”
“…Otay.” Rocket looked uneasy as Rick shut the door of the van. But Mummah and the babbehs were having fun rolling around the ball and listening to them laugh couldn’t help but lift the stallion’s spirits.
Taking a bucket of cleaning supplies, Rick braced himself for the worst part of the job. He applied his face mask and put on his gloves. This was a shitty job, but someone has to do it.
Cleaning up was surprisingly easy. The fluffy family had been doing their business in boxes which they would then push outside the nest. There were a few stains here and there, likely from the babies, but nothing too bad. He would definitely make sure to note how good these fluffies were once he got to the shelter.
Finishing the clean up and giving everything one more look, Rick headed over to the house and told the owner that the fluffies weren’t going to be a problem anymore. He also recommended replacing the door handle with knobs, even the smartest fluffy can’t work them. The homeowner thanked Rick and that was that.
Rick hopped into the van and drove off to the shelter, making sure to soothe the families fears about the noises along the way. Green Meadow shelter was fairly new, the owner was a short woman who lived above the shelter in a loft. Seemed nice enough, if a bit off. Important thing was, the place was legitimately nice. Plenty of space per family, high quality care and most of all, the fluffies seemed happy.
“Hey there folks. Got a family in my van that needed to be relocated.” Rick said as he casually walked to the reception desk, “Real nice fluffs, the stallion, Rocket, definitely a grade A good smarty. Mummah’s good too. 6 Fluffs in all.”
The receptionist nodded while taking notes, “Drive around back, we’ll get the intake ready for you.”
Rick got back in his car and drove up to a garage door. Backing in, The door shut after him to prevent scared fluffs from escaping and getting hurt. “Howdy folks. Just wanna chat with my friends here for a moment.”
“Yeah. Sure, whatever man.” said a particularly bored volunteer, “I’m here for another 2 hours either way.”
Rick opened the door to see Rocket trying to express the benefits of blocks to his family, “See, bwockies ams pwacticaw. Membew poopie pwace? Was bwockie, mobed bockie outs wen fuww. Bwock stackies foh openin doww. Blockies am bewy portant.”
“Rocket. Mummah, we’re here. Now I’m not gonna lie, things might get a little scary for a bit. Gotta make sure you’re all healthy and fix you up if you’re not. But I promise, this’ll be the nicest home you folks could dream of.”
Rocket took a deep breath and trotted to the door, “Wocket ams twustin yu, mistuh.”
“I know, and I appreciate it. Here, have a candy.”
Rocket licked up a sketti flavored treat and was immediately convinced. “Otay. Famwy, wets go.”
“Finally. I’m Mike, I’ll be handling your onboarding. You fluffs eat yet?” The volunteer asked, “No? Well, let’s get you folks a full stomach and we’ll go from there.”
Rick watched as the fluffy family trotted off together into the shelter. He smiled. Two hours of work, money in his pocket, and a family that gets a chance to be happy. There was downsides, but it was a great job.
Rick turned around to shut the door on his van and chuckled. Little piles of poop were scattered about, one smeared by a ball, “Yep. Still worth the shitty parts.”