You’re Doug. You’re playing with your new iPhone 23. You’re honestly not sure why you spent $800 for it, but all your friends are jealous.
You’re figuring out the new features as you walk out to your car and nearly get bowled over by a gust of wind. Damn! They said it was going to windy before the storm hit, but they weren’t kidding!
Then you see something that instantly prompts you to figure out how the video camera works.
You’re Mumma. You’re a fluffy mumma. You have five wonderful babbehs!
Your housie (an old cardboard box you found) blew away in the wind and you had to gather up your babbehs and set off in search of a new housie. The wind is really bad though, so bad that it keeps blowing things into you so hard it gives you hurties! Sometimes you even fall over, the wind is blowing so hard!
“Chirp! Mummah! Babbeh cowd! Nee wawm! Cheep!”
“Nu wowwy babbehs, mummah fine new housie fow fwuffies!”
Then the unthinkable happens. The wind blows your babbehs off your back!
“Eeeee!”
“Mummah! Hewp!”
“Whewe fwoow gu?”
“Owies! Huu huu huu, why gwound am meanie tu babbeh?”
“Chirp! Chirp! Chirp!”
“GASP Babbehs! Mummah sabe yoo!”
You chase after your babbehs as they roll across the ground, gathering them up one by one and putting them on your back. You don’t get very far before the wind blows really hard again and your babbehs all go scattering everywhere again!
“Nuuuu! Babbehs!”
“Mummah! Hewp! Hewp! Scawy!”
“EEEEEEEEEE!”
“Chirp! Nu wike! Chirp!”
You just manage to put the last of your babbehs on your back when the meanie wind blows them all away AGAIN! You puff your cheeks up and stomp your hoosies.
“Meanie wind! Weave babbehs awone!”
“Huu huu huuu! Babbeh nu wike scawy wind! Buuhuuhuuuuuuu!”
“Cheep! Mummah! Babbeh haf owies! Nee huggieeeeeeeeeeee!”
The wind is blowing all your babbehs away! You chase after them, begging your babbehs to hold still, but they won’t listen! They just keep crying and blowing away in all directions!
You run around in circles and manage to snag one of your babbehs, but you can’t put him on your back or he’ll blow away again! So you run in circles with him chirping away in your moufie while trying to get your other babbehs, but the wind is blowing all your babbehs away!
Then you spot a hoomin. He can help you! Hoomins are big, strong, and smart! You set your babbeh down and use your prettiest words.
“Pwease, nice mista! Hewp mummah sabe hew babbehs!”
“Nah, fuck you.” Then the hoomin laughs and keeps pointing his square thingie at you. Maybe he’s not so nice after all…
“MUMMAH! HEEEEEEEWP!”
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
“Babbehs!”
You chase after the babbeh you set down, who is now blowing away in the wind again, nearly get knocked over yourself, and then turn desperately to intercept another babbeh as she rolls past, chirping hysterically.
Then it gets worse. The storm drain. You remember from when you were a babbeh and your bwudda fell in.
Two babbehs blow right over the grate and fall in.
“EEEEEEEE!”
“NUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuu…”
Splish! Ker-plunk!
“Babbehs! NUUUUUUUUUUU!”
The hoomin is laughing harder, but you ignore him as you run to the grate and look down. All you see is wawa rippling below. Two of your babbehs are gone forever. Your heart breaks, but then you see a third babbeh blowing toward the grate and race to intercept.
“Mummah! Sabe babbeh! Nee huggies!”
“Mummah cummin! Mummah- OOF!”
An empty soda bottle blowing down the street smacks you in the face, momentarily stunning you. Just long enough for…
“Nuuuuuuuuuu!”
Sploosh!
“BABBEH!”
Three down. You spot a babbeh sobbing uncontrollably and making scariedy poopies rolling toward you in a cluster of leaves and lunge, snagging him by the weggie at the last second. You saved one!
And only one. Your other surviving babbeh rolls right between your weggies and down the grate with a little splash. Sputtering, he manages to stay afloat for a few seconds, coughing and chirping while you watch sadly, unable to reach him. Soon his fluff soaks up too much bad wawa and he sinks like his siblings.
You just lost your home and four babbehs all in the span of five minutes. You flop down on your rear, drop your wastest babbeh between your hoofsies where your body will shelter him from the wind, and loose a wail of despair and sorrow, hugging him close to you. After a while, you regain control of your emotions and look down at your wastest babbeh, who is shivering against your tummeh and crying. At least you still have him…
Then you look up and realize the hoomin is standing over you, pointing his square thingie at you.
“sniff Nice mista pwease hewp fwuffies?”
“Lemme think about it…”
Then he nudges your babbeh with his toe and your babbeh falls in the grate, disappearing under the wawa before he even has a chance to scream.
“No.”
You’re Doug. And you’re sitting in the front row of the live studio audience for America’s Funniest Videos.
“And third prize, thousand dollar winner is… Gone With The Wind!”
The audience erupts in applause as you stand up to receive your prize, and they play your video again on the big screen. Your video went viral and it won you a thousand bucks and some brief fame. Not too shabby.
It’s almost worth the fifty pounds of sorry poopies the vengeful mare left on your front porch while you were out of town for a week for the show.
