March 1st, 2021: Experimenting with the “owners manual” style here. It’s not one I go back to much as I never have enough ideas to feel justified in using it.
THE FOLLOWING FLUFFY FACTS REPRESENT ONE MAN’S UNDERSTANDING OF THE NATURAL WORLD AND DO NOT REFLECT THE BELIEFS AND OPINIONS OF HASBIO OR ANY OTHER HASBRO SUBSIDIARY
Selections from 2011 copy of "Almanac For Fluffies: Unofficial Edition"
Fluffies are quite fragile, but their brittle bones don’t just break easily, they set easily! Encourage your young ones to experiment when “playing doctor” with their new fluffy friends! If the leg grows in wrong, they can always re-break it and try again!
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Fluffies are known for being gullible, but did you know you can customize even their preconceived notions? It’s true! For a fun classroom experiment on Classical Conditioning, get a family of fluffs together and spend a couple weeks relentlessly telling them that wittewest babbeh isn’t a babbeh at all, but is really poopy! Your fluffies will be hesitant, but that’s just their built in programming meant to keep fluffies predictable. Commit hard enough, and do it often enough, and you can convince them of anything!
Note: Fluffies who have been taught that one offspring is poopy will not abstract that understanding to apply to similar looking fluffies. After all, those are fluffies! Poopy is just poopy. The advantage of this over a designated “poopie babbeh” is that a poopie babbeh is still a babbeh and thus subject to a wider variety of behavior protocols from the fluffy Logic Tree, which may result in conflicting behaviors such as spiteful abuse from mummah combined with pity from siblings. When a babbeh is designated as actual poopy though, it is filed under a much neater and more limited tree.
Poopy is bad. Nu smeww pwetty. They won’t touch it unless forced to, and will find doing so extremely upsetting. But this poopy is walkie tawkie poopy! Su scawy! So it will initially be treated with disgust and fear. Fluffy will likely label the target as a “poopy munstah” but you must remind them that munstahs are scary and give hurties to good fluffies while poopy is just poopy and is only bad if it’s in the wrong place.
Done properly, your fluffies will integrate this knowledge into pre-established protocols. Poopy is poopy. No hugging poopy, it makes fluffies dirty! Don’t put nummies in poopy, that ruins nummies! Don’t let poopy leave the litter box, that’s the only place where it can be good poopies! And don’t worry if it says it’s hungry, hungry poopy only needs one thing: More good poopies!
For added fun, make sure your fluffies know that walkie tawkie poopy can give bestes’ wicky cweanies to good fluffies.
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It’s a commonly held belief that fluffies are so stupid they can drown looking at water: This is only partially true. In actuality what is happening is that the combination of viewing water and thinking about drowning cause the fluffy to panic and produce excess saliva. The poor half baked creatures will quickly choke on their own spit if not rescued.
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Huggies make everything better! Despite how silly it sounds, it’s mostly true! While normal animals have numerous hormones and neurotransmitters to regulate their bodies, fluffies are more simple. The myth that all pain is equal to a fluffy comes from observation that fluffies react basically the same to any injury. This is a mischaracterization though, as what is actually happening is that the fluffy has only an extremely limited ability to compare experiences and sensations. Similar to how only a smart fluffy can even count how many hoofsies it has.
When a fluffy is injured, relevant pain receptors turn on and a sort of chemical clock starts. Minute dosages of dopamine begin moments after injury. This is why a hurt fluffy left alone will eventually downgrade from “huuhuuing” to “soft whimper.” Think of it as Hasbio ensuring that their toy wouldn’t annoy users by suffering malfunction at an inconvenient time.
Yeah. That worked.
Anyway huggies in this case do make everything better. Fluffies are meant to make the owner feel important, so hugging a fluffy not only massively increases the flow of dopamine, it also allows the secretion of a couple other hormones that aid in the clotting of blood and the fighting of infection. This way a loved and cared for fluffy can often overcome even moderate injury with nothing more than huggies, while am unloved fluffy can perish from small cuts and scrapes if left unattended.
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Fun fact: Tummeh Babbehs go through embryonic stages that mimic no less than four of the animals fluffies share DNA with! For a fun science lesson, get some soon mummahs together and cut out their tummeh babbehs! See if your students can match each stage to the animal it represents!
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Tom put the book back on the shelf. “Jesus Christ,” he said under his breath.
“They really are that stupid.”