Research log by Dr. S. Ishii. Subject: fluffy pony biotoy stress testing.
11/25/20XX
“The fluffy pony biotoys have finally reached the stage where they don’t spontaneously terminate due to random biological malfunction. Well, it only happens rarely now.
The first test to be conducted will be a standard drop test. Very common in the toy industry, any toy should be able to withstand a drop from a height of about 1 meter, which simulates the scenario of it falling from a regular table. The specimen selected for this test is unit #A-248, an adult “earthy” female with green fluff and blue mane.”
“Be nyu daddeh?”
“Beginning test. I lift the biotoy to the marked height.”
“Nuu! upsies awe scawwy.”
“Aaaand, drop.”
“Reeee” crack “SCREEEEEEE! wowstest owies!”.
“The biotoy seems to have suffered multiple bone fractures. These bones are way too brittle, there’s no way these won’t break immediately from a child playing with it. Still, proper scientific procedure dictates that the test has to be repeated on several specimens to obtain statistically significant data.”
“Uhuhuhu, why huwties? am gud fwuffy.”
“Smith, please dispose of this unit and bring another one.”
12/15/20XX
“Next come flammability test. Our toys must conform to minimum fire safety standards. The specimen is unit #B-128, an adult “pegasus” male with white fluff and green mane. The test will consist of attempting to light it on fire using a handheld butane torch.”
“Wan pway?”
“Beginning test.”
fzzzzzzz
“Wahhhh! buwnie owies!”
“Wow, it’s engulfed in flames. I’m kinda surprised it caught fire so quickly.”
“Screeeeee, wowstes owies!”
“Well, I guess this “fluff” is too airy, a mixture a of fuel and oxygen. I wonder if there’s any bio-generable flame retardant.”
“Screeeee!”
Wuusssshhhh
“Smith, I didn’t ask you to put it out yet.”
“Sorry sir.”
“I want to see how long they burn. Let the next one burn until it goes out by itself.”
01/08/20XX
“Today we’ll be performing the first toxicity test. All toys must comply with non-toxicity standards, just in case some child tries to eat them. The specimen is #C-519, an adult “unicorn” male with brown fluff and black mane. The test will consist of feeding it to a group of lab rats. These rats have not been fed in 5 days to make sure they’re hungry. Also, these are a special breed that has been selectively bred to not engage in cannibalism, however they will eat anything that is not a rat.”
“Reeee, bad upsies!”
“Beginning test now”
“Screeee!” thud “Owies!. Uh? be nyu fwends? Sceeeeeee!” chewing noises.
“The rats jumped on the toy like piranhas.”
“Screeee! Nu am numm-glerhh” more chewing noises.
“I will regularly check on these rats to observe if they develop any symptoms. Also from now on they will get a normal diet. Of course to test toxicity properly we must test at various dosages. This will be accomplished by feeding biotoys to rat groups of different sizes so, assuming each rat eats an equal fraction of the toy, we can control the amount of biotoy “meat” they eat.”
“Sorry, but, why don’t we kill the fluffies before feeding them to the rats?”
“We will perform those tests later, but since they might experience chemical changes upon termination, we also have to test with active biotoys.”
01/23/20XX
“Today’s test will be a non-aggression test. Toys should never attempt to harm humans, no matter what. The specimen is unit #A-846 an male adult “earthy” with black fluff and a white mane. The test will consist of painfully abusing it to try to make it respond with aggression.”
“Wan pway?”
“I’m going to hurt you. I will proceed to shock the toy with a cattle prod.”
ZAP
“Screeeee! why huwties?”
“I will continue hurting you. Does this make you angry? Do you want to hurt me back?”
ZAP ZAP
“Huhuhu, nuh wike huwties”
“I will keep hurting you until you die, won’t you fight back to save your life?”
ZAP
“Huhuhu, am gud fwuffy, nu wan huwties” ZAP
Several minutes of zapping noises and fluffy screams
“It seems the fluffy has expired, probably from cardiac arrest. At no point did the biotoy attempt to fight back. It just curled into the corner crying, and soiled itself. I guess they might pass this test. Smith, I’m tired, you do the next one.”
03/15/20XX
“Fluffy pony biotoy stress test preliminary results. So far, 731 units have been stress tested, and the only tests they have passed are non-toxicity and non-aggression. This is to be expected from such an early version. Of course the company would never release a product in this stage, we are just finding which flaws to fix first. Personally, I would focus on the sphincter control, and change the gut flora so the feces aren’t so stinky.”