Two men walk towards each other in the foyer of a large industrial building in the Chicago suburbs.
Hello, Steve! Welcome to the HG Designs fluffy mill. I’m glad you could make it out today!
Thanks, Larry. Sal told me this was an exceptional investment opportunity, and I’m interested in checking out your operation.
And I’m stoked that you are interested. I think you’ll be impressed with our high standards, high quality product, and exceptional value to our customers.
Honestly, I’m absolutely perplexed out how you can sell premium fluffies at the prices you do. Please tell me you’ll be sharing the secret.
Oh yes! Heck, I can tell you right now. There’s three key facets to our business model. One, cruelty is only good for short term gains, not long term sustainability. Two, every fluffy has value. And three, cynicism is always more profitable than optimism.
That… that’s an interesting company philosophy. I guess I’ll need to see the execution for myself.
Hah! Yeah. Executions. We try to minimize those here. But who knows? Today might be a lucky day! Anyways… Let’s go down to a main holding area. You can observe our core breeding stock.
Larry leads Steve to one of the many breeding rooms at the mill.
These are all premium fluffies! I see designer crafted ones in here! I can actually place the breeds! Why are they all in kennels?
Ah, that’s for their protection!
Protection from what? I thought you ran a reputable mill. I mean this place is clean. Immaculate even. But I expected premium fluffies to be pampered. Free range, even.
I do. Extremely reputable. That’s to protect them from each other.
How do you mean?
Every fluffy in here is a premium product. Some of the best stock available. And every single one is an absolute fucking monster. Smarties, foal-killers, baby rapers, cannibals. We specialize in using hellgremlins as our breeding stock. While we didn’t register it in the trademark, the HG does stand for ‘Hellgremlin’.
Why–
Because designer fluffies are expensive. Too expensive to efficiently buy in bulk for a mill and for mass sale. Rejects? A dime a dozen. A little girl’s beautiful designer foal grows up and isn’t a cute baby any more. We get her for for basically nothing. A premium stallion breaks a foal in half with his cock? Somebody is begging for him to be removed before there’s a lawsuit.
Aren’t you worried about the foals getting the worst traits of the parents?
Not in the slightest. We are selling top end fluffies at a steep discount. We’re the Gucci knock-off of fluffies. Anybody who could afford a designer fluffy will buy one. Somebody who wants the appearance of one is going to buy from us. And they aren’t going to complain too loudly if they don’t want to be exposed for the phony they are. It’s like the guy who buys the cheapest white Porsche. ‘I drove a Porsche!’, he tells his douchebag friends, proving he has the bigger dick. Meanwhile he can’t keep up with a suburban mom in her V6 minivan. THAT is our buyer.
So, you are legally scamming idiots who want to appear flashy to other idiots?
Precisely.
Brilliant. Show me more.
Steve and Larry walk on to the breeding floor.
As these fluffies are almost universally monsters, we do need to keep harsh discipline. But again, we’re efficient; we don’t waste time with torture. We make a quick example, and move along.
A worker approaches Larry.
Hey boss?
Ah, Carl! What’s up?
Petunia stomped one of her foals.
Well, that’s fortunately timed for my explanation, but unfortunate for business, and very unfortunate for her. Steve, let me show you how it’s done here.
Petunia, why do you hate daddy?
Petunya nu hate daddeh! Petunya wub daddeh?
Then why did you stomp your baby?
Was dummeh poopie babbeh! Daddeh wan’ bestest pwetty babbehs fow nuw homsies!
Petunia, we told you. All babies are good babies. And we told you that you would be punished if you hurt a baby. You KILLED a baby. You know what that means?
Nu! NU! NU HUWT PETUNYA!
Petunia, I’m not going to hurt you. I’m going to kill you, and make sure the others understand exactly what happens to baby stompers like you.
NU! NU WAN’ FOWEBBAH SWEEPIES!
So, Steve, you see how we have that high chair in the middle of the room.
Yes, Larry. I though that was a little strange.
Well, you see the drain under it?
Yes…
We call that the example chair. Allow me to make an example of Petunia here.
NU! HEWP! NU WAN’ FOWEBBAH SWEEPIES! AM SOWWY! NU HUWT BABBEHS NU MOWE!
Larry unlatches the cage, and removes Petunia by her scruff. He’s not particularly rough in the doing, a simple grab, lift, and pull. Petunia’s remaining foals are chirping for their absent mother.
Right, so we sit the fluffy upright in the chair. You can see how the cages on either side all face the chair in the middle.
Larry sits Petunia on her rump.
Uh-huh.
We strap our example in place, and then we explain to everybody what’s going on. Attention fluffies! Look here! Petunia here stomped one of her poopie babies. We let her keep a baby, and she killed it. What does that make her?
Some of the caged fluffies call out to Larry.
Bad mummah!
MUNSTAH!
Wowstest fwuffy!
Good! A lot of you understand! Remember, all babies are good babies! And bad mothers who kill babies are a danger to all babies. Now then…
Larry reaches in to his jacked and removes a handgun.
Larry! What the fuck?
Steve, this isn’t an ordinary gun. This is a Colt model 1911. This is THE gun. This is the gun by which ever other semi-automatic pistol has been measure for over one hundred years. Also, it’s presently empty, as you’ll observe no magazine in the grip, and no bullet in the chamber. Now, in my other pocket, we have a magazine. These are very special bullets. These are .45 caliber soft points, filled with sodium.
Why the-
Simple! To make an example. Soft points make a big mess of what they hit. They are literally illegal in war. But police can use them against citizens. Make of that what you will. But, again, big mess. Sodium has an explosive reaction with water.
Carl walks up, handing Larry an overcoat, goggles, and ear protection. He hands ear muffs to Steve as well.
Here you go, boss!
Thanks Carl, this will be messy.
No problem, boss.
So, Steve, like I was saying. Making an example. Here’s some ear protection. You’ll need it in this enclosed space… FIRE IN THE HOLE!
Larry holds the pistol about a foot behind Petunia’s head, and at his shout, pulls the trigger. The roar of the gun frightens most of the fluffies in the soiling themselves in their cages. The specialized bullet has reduced Petunia’s head to a bloody mist. Fluffy, brains, and blood are splashed across the chair, floor, and cages all around the high chair. The fluffies tremble in terror at the sight.
Right, Carl, cleanup in aisle one!
Carl runs over with a hose and sprays the chair and floor clean. He also sprays the fluffy cages to wash away Petunia’s bits, and their one terror-shits.
See, Steve, the noise and spectacle scare them in to obedience. Then the hosing down leaves them miserable for a couple hours while they dry. It hammers home the message.
Larry, that was kind of fucked up.
I mean, probably. But again, efficient. And have you seen what the cruel mills do? Grinders, incinerators, torture racks. This was over and done. We didn’t drag out her death, and we didn’t lie to them. They are told if they hurt foals, we hurt them. If they kill foals, we kill them. If we backed down, or let them get away with it, we’d have piles of dead foals. If we drug out the abuse, we’d be wasting a lot of time, and overly stressing the breeding stock. They’ll remember this, and ideally behave because of it. But they also won’t be absolutely traumatized by it. Well, not in a lasting way. Stressed mares produce fewer foals, have more birth defects and miscarriages, and tend to be more abusive. One quick example solves all of that.
I’ve seen news segments on the bad mills. I’ll grant you that your way is… less cruel.
Cruelty is a necessity, but you can see for yourself we aren’t generally unkind here. Speaking of… Carl! Please take Petunia’s remaining foals for evaluation. See if any of the other mares want the opportunity to be good mommas for some poopie babies.
You got it, boss!
Larry removes his protective gear, and deposits it in to a sanitary bin.
Let’s continue our tour, shall wee?
The two men stroll down a hallway. Steve can see a multitude of rooms set up like the first breeding room he was shown.
What do you do with the bad colors that are born here? The ‘poopie’ fluffies?
Well, those are rare from the get go, give our breeding stock. But despite the common perception, a lot of people like brown and other muted color fluffies. Generally they simply don’t want something garish.
I mean, fair.
That being said, a ‘bad-colored’ foal born here will have absolutely crippling self esteem issues. We’ll discipline them if they refuse to feed or otherwise physically harm the bad colors. But we let them mentally abuse them to their hearts content. See, when a ‘poopie’ foal is born, we take all the good colors away immediately. The mothers are told they can keep their ‘poopie’ babies, or have no babies. Most of them choose to keep them. But! Fluffy mothers are astoundingly cruel! They resent that the remaining ‘poopies’. We carefully monitor the bad color foals to make sure they are physically safe, but they are just shy of that ‘want die’ phase, and then we remove them. Their sense of self worth is completely gone.
Ok, so how is that an advantage?
So, fluffies are made to love at a genetic level. They absolutely crave it. Take something that has a biological need for affection and absolutely starve it of it. Then put it up for sale to somebody who wants just a friendly, conversational pet. You will get the most intensely loyal fluffy you have ever seen. Granted, they can get annoyingly clingy, but that’s so much better than the alternatives. We brand them as “Politest Poopies”.
I guess pairing otherwise unwanted fluffies with owners is a… good thing? And I’ve seen those in stores. They are always so quiet, but people always leave with them.
I think so. Remember, we don’t hate fluffies here. We don’t hire abusers, we don’t open this place for the public, or even well paying individuals to brutalize our fluffies. We like fluffies. We have them at home, and we love them. But our breeding stock is hellgremlins, and we don’t even consider them to really be fluffies any more. They are a breed apart. But untainted foals? They should have love. Maybe we don’t have the kindest means, but the ends speak for themselves.
Larry and Steve enter a playroom full of happy foals. A worker carries a noisy box, from which cries of ‘gib bestest babbeh miwkies’ can be heard.
What do you do with the ‘bestest babies’?
Oh those are a top seller! You’ve probably seen them in stores. Rolypoly Pals!
Wait, really? Those are bestest babies? But they are so quiet!
Larry bends down a picks up a foal hugging his leg. He scratches the little colt under his chin and smiles at him.
To be fair, when you cut their vocal cords, they tend to be.
Oh. Yeah. Fair. I guess that explains why they are also all pillowed. But how do you keep them small? I always figured they were some sort of micro-variant.
Larry rolls the colt over in his hands, and scratches the back of his head.
We remove their pituitary glands. They never achieve full puberty. The hormonal secretions from intact glands are valuable to researchers. Especially when it comes to making pheromones.
True, but isn’t that a delicate process?
It probably should be, but our surgeons aren’t all that delicate. Raising foals takes very little resources, as it’s really just some more food for the milkbags to keep them fed. So, we can harvest the glands in bulk if we get bestest-babby or early onset smarty syndrome. If they get derped by the removal it honestly just makes for a better Rolypoly Pal. If they come out intact, great. If they die? Well, there’s always a market for foal body parts. We harvest the organs, put them in to deep freeze, and sell them to high end vets. Remember, the pedigree is there. The removed legs alone from the bestest babies are profitable. Do you know how many premium fluffy foals get injured every day? We’re able to provide close color match parts in bulk! Once the donor legs are attached to the recipient, their DNA will overwrite and it’ll be just like their original leg. But a good colormatch helps a wealthy owner get over it that much faster, and the foals don’t freak out that one or more legs are the wrong color.
Whatever researcher behind fluffies that decided to make them modular was an absolute genius.
Indeed. And their foresight is helping us profit today!
