You just woke up, eyes burning, palms sweaty, moms spaghetti, okay maybe not that last one but you’re stomach feels like it’s had the shit kicked out of it by those six beers, two glasses of rum and that dodgy doner kebab and taco fries from last night. You’re about to go plant yourself on the shitter for the next 30 minutes and slay this brown dragon when you hear something from the bathroom window. Childlike babbling, and you know you have no kids in your house, so it’s obviously those fluffy pony things, little shits must have waddled in through your side gate when you stumbled in drunk.
You’re creaking and popping intestines are telling you to stay but you’re too hung over for those stupid things to keep squeaking and peeping and chirping this early in the morning.
You head outside to find the multitude of multicoloured toylike abominations waddling around the back porch and flowerbed, a few full growns, two pregnant ones being rolled around, some foals and a few babies who just won’t stop peeping.
Suddenly to feel a bump on your leg, this one is all puffed up and poking at you with his horn.
“STOOPI MUNSTAH GO ‘WAY! DIS AM SMAWTY WAND! PLBBBTH!”
Little shit gave you the raspberry, meanwhile his little posse are giggling at you, YOU!
“Yeah I ain’t leaving pointy, this is my house you just wandered into. Now get out of my flowers, shoo!”
You open up the gate and make the shooing motion at the ones in the flower bed. Man it’s way too bright this morning, and your really not feeling good enough for this.
“DUMMEH STAY ‘WAY FWOM HEWD! GIB SOWWY POOPIES!”
The little smarty then squirts shit all over your sandals.
…
“NOW DUMMEH KNOW WHO IN CHAWGE TEE HEE HEE!”
…
“Wha dummeh dink huh? Dummeh munstah beddah weave or get biggest huwties”
…
You look down at your sandal, the now celebrating fluffies all giggling and dancing thinking they’ve scared the “munstah”.
“Oh, you call that Sorry Poopies?”
“W-wha dummeh say?”
You loom over the little ball of disdain, locking eyes with him, showing utter contempt and hatred on your face so his little crayon sized brain gets that he fucked up.
“Oh are you deaf? Then open your ears a little”
You pinch him up by his ear.
“Scree nuu bad upsies, puh smawty down!”
You yell as loud as you can “I SAID, YOU CALL THAT SORRY POOPIES?”
“EEEEE, Scawy noisies! Nu yew at fwuffy!”
You point to all his little gang and say
“You think it’s funny pooping on people huh? Well let’s see what you think of this then!”
You lock the gate so none of them can leave, they start panic waddling at peeping and screeing in terror, hu huuing and faking being “sowwy” as you make your way to the garden shed.
You grab out a heavy duty see through plastic bag, one of those bags you clean dirt and gravel into, you then drop the little fucker in the bag with an “owwie”. His herd want to go over and give him “huggies” but they’re too scared peeing themselves and curling up in balls on the ground trying to hide themselves under their hooves. You drop your trousers and stick the opening of the bag under your ass.
“YOU WANT SORRY POOPIES? WELL TRY THIS FUCKFACE! AAAGHH!”
What follows is a horrorshow to fluffykind, their greatest defense move against humans, the sorry poopies turned on their leader in a full spray torrent of liquid shit, the smarty inside the bag trying to escape the brown karma squirting in his face, pooling around his hooves, the air in the bag growing rancid with fart gas and shit fumes cooked up from a night of drinking.
“EEE blup nu huwt fwu-glaghk nu can bweaf gaghk too mush poopi-gluugglle sabe smaw- dlegk nu mowe!”
The poor fluffies were too scared to even move, frozen in fear huddled in a shivering pile at what had just happened. After relieving yourself in the bag, you noticed the smarty was still trying to escape, even with that nubby little horn genetically designed to not hurt a small child, the bag was too thick to break for a stupid rainbow guinea pig thing with it padded hooves and crappy teeth…well literally crappy now. It was buried up to its snout in liquid shit, crying and barely able to lift it’s legs in your gut sludge, pink eye setting in hard, poor little shitstain even started puking in the bag adding to the soup it was marinating in.
“Had enough shitstain?”
“blegh p-pwease wet fwuffy out! fwuffy nu wan be poopie nu haghh nu mowe! nee huggies and cweanies ghglaagh!”
“Hmmmm…nah”
You then push all the air out of the bag and tie it tight so all that’s left is the smarty panicking and slowly choking to death in the bag of shit.
You step back and watch as some of his herd make their way over and try to get him out, and even try huggies which just speed up his death. Once he finally stops moving beyond some spastic twitching in the bag of shit, you open the gate and point for the fluffies to leave, they immediately waddle as fast as their fat poorly designed bodies will let them, some abandoning their foals, the soon mummahs just left there to wiggle and scream for help. However a fluffys speed is slow as fuck so you pull out the sweeping brush and shove them out the gate. The abandoned foals you stick in a bottle and dump over the wall at the fluffies now huddling in the alleyway crying and the soon mummahs get picked up and rolled like a bowling ball out into the street, with their special friends waddling after them. After dumping their leaders body in the bins, you take your shit coated sandal and with all the force in your body whip it at the nearest fluffies face, breaking it nose and some teeth.
“NEVER COME BACK HERE OR YOU’LL ALL GET SORRY POOPIES!”
They start scattering in all directions at the speed of dirt but the hu huuing and nuus seems to confirm the message.