(Inspired by the artwork of @pillows )
Inspired by this charming lil fella
Gween Gwassy hab nyu howsie. Fwuffy suuuuuuuuu happies! But nyu howsie hab udda fwuffy.
Dummeh fwuffy.
Dummeh fwuffy am nice fwuffy, an Gween Gwassy wub, bu stiww am weawwy dummeh! Nyu daddeh teww Gween Gwassy dat dummeh namesie am Pwincetun. Dat pwetty namesie, but dummeh Pwincetun am dummeh.
“Hewwo Gween Gwassy!” Dewe he gu again, yewwing fwuffy namesies ebbywhewe. Pwincetun am watching teebee, but am in sowwy boxy! Nu unnastan, sowwy boxies am fow sowwies! But dummeh Pwincetun nu hab saddies, dummeh Pwincetun wike sowwy boxy!
“H…hewwow Pwincetun. Ou habbin gud bwite tiem?” Nu wike tawkies wif dummeh, Gween Gwassy nu wan be dummeh tuu! Dummeh Pwincetun make biggest dummeh smiwe. “Uh huh! Pwincetun am watch teebee! Daddeh put Pwincetun in teebee boxy su can see!”
Gween Gwassy make bigges tiwed bweathy noisies. “Oooof, Gween Gwassy nu weddy fow ou siwwy poopies Pwincetun, Gween Gwassy gunna gu hab kibbwe. We twy dis watew when Gween Gwassy hab nummies an am done being sweepies.”
Pwincetun say dat otay, but Gween Gwassy nu dummeh. Pwincetun nu weawwy otay, Pwincetun am saddies. Mebbe Pwincetun nu knu was in sowwy box? Mebbe Pwincetun need hewp! Pwincetun am biggest dummeh, nu can weabe awone! Dat must be wai nyu daddeh sabe Gween Gwassy fwum meanie hewd!
Gween Gwassy am dummeh! Pwincetun need Gween Gwassy hewp! Hafta gu hewp!
“Nu wowwy Pwincetun! Gween Gwassy gun sabe ou!” Made bestest wunnies back tu safewoom. Pwease be otay stiww! Am sowwy fow make saddies!
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Pwincetun wub daddeh, an daddeh wub Pwincetun! Pwincetun haf pwetty safewoom and wotsa fun toysies an awways hab pwenty wawa an nummies fow Pwincetun! Hooway!
Pwincetun wub wun wound pway wif toysies, but Pwincetun wike FwuffTeebee tuu. Daddeh gabe Pwincetun own big teebee! Was suuuuuuu escited! But wen Pwincetun twy watch teebee, awways fowget am watching! Pwincetun see favwit show “Pwetty Mawes Aww In A Wow” and was su happies! But den dummeh “cow-mursh-uh” make pwetty mawes gu way an Pwincetun gu pway wif bwockies.
Daddeh come backsies tu watch teebee wif Pwincetun, but Pwincetun nu watching! “Teehee! Siwwy Pwincetun, ou nu wike watch pwetty mawes?” Nuuu! Fowgot pwetty mawes! Pwincetun hab saddies! Wun wound in wittwe ciwcwe making saddy huhuhus. “Sowwy daddeh, nu take way teebee! Pwincetun fowget! Pwincetun nu hab teebee befow!”
But daddeh am bestest daddeh an gif gud upsies tu Pwincetun. “Dat otay bestest Pwincetun, daddeh gu tu magic daddeh teebee an den maiw bwing nyu hewp fow gud Pwincetun!” Pwincetun su happies! Wub bestest daddeh.
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Hi, I’m Scott. I work for the county housing board and live in a fairly spacious apartment given how cheap it is. A couple years ago, I got a fluffy to keep me company, an adorable little scamp with a bright orange mane and beautiful puce colored fluff. Immediately, he lit up my life.
People talk about how gross and annoying and destructive fluffies are, but I suspect that’s more a case of people who aren’t willing to just let them be fluffies. Sure, they make lots of ridiculous requests, and it’s crucial never to give in if they demand something, but usually the right answer is just to play along with whatever dipshit idea they have until they’re satisfied. Honestly, it’s like my favorite thing about fluffy ownership.
About six months ago, I got a raise and bought a second tv for the saferoom. Princeton watches FluffTV sometimes, and while I certainly don’t mind the saccharine singsong programming on that network, sometimes I don’t need it filling my home and workspace.
So I got a special tv for his saferoom. It’s got voice activation so he can turn it on himself. I didn’t want it to happen constantly, so we took a couple weeks to teach him two short songs.
“Hewwo teebee yes hewwooooo teebee bwa ba badum ba Bebop Cowa!”
“Goobai teebee, am weabin ou tuday. Goobai, goobai, goobai!”
What? They don’t have to make sense, just be memorable and different while also not being something he’ll say accidentally. Fuck you, some people hurt their fluffies. I just taught mine some outdated parody sings. I think. I’m not sure where the first one is from.
Anyway, once he had control I figured he’d have no trouble. I walked in on the first day and he was stacking blocks while ignoring the tv. When I asked if he was done, little dude fucking flipped. Said he got distracted and begged me to still love him.
So yeah, not an ideal response.
Weirdly enough, Princeton solved it. I hadn’t used a Sorry Box in a while since he’s a good little dude, so I was shocked to hear him suggest it. “Daddeh? Mebbe Pwincetun hab nu-sowwy sowwy boxy? Wike wittwe smaww wun? Su Pwincetun nu wawk away in middwe ub teebee!” On the one hand, it’s the dumbest solution I can think of.
On the other, it’s the dumbest problem I can think of. So fuck it, let’s try it.
Worked like a charm with one exception. He can’t get out on his own. If he could, it wouldn’t work. It’s not hard, he just can’t quite get his legs up high enough. I can’t help him every time he wants to move, he’s not a pillow. So I adopted a friend from the park. Poor terrified girl was getting kicked around by her herd. I haven’t explained the whole dynamic yet, but after work we’re gonna go over it.
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Gween Gwassy wan aww way back tu safewoom. Wun twoo doow yewwin fow Pwincetun. “Nu wowwy Pwincetun, Gween Gwassy wiww hewp! Gon sabe ou fwum scawy boxy!” Pwincetun say sumfin but Gween Gwassy aweddy dewe! Gwab meany boxy wif teefies and wip apawt! Pwincetun am yewwin an cwyin, su Gween Gwassy twy eben hawdew! Den, whowe side ub boxy wip off in Gween Gwassy moufie. “Pwincetun fwee! Wub Pwincetun, Gween Gwassy sabe ou!”
But Pwincetun hab wowstest saddies. "Huuuuu! Wai meanie fwuffy huwt teebee box? Nao Pwincetun nebba get tu finish wat watchin! Nu ebba gain!" Gween Gwassy nu unnastan.
“Pwincetun, wat dat mean? Was in scawy boxy! Gween…Gween Gwassy onwy wan hewp! Onwy twyin tu sabe Pwincetun!” Pwincetun was stiww makin see pwace wawas and saddy huhus but stiww make bigges puffy cheekies wike scawiest smawty. “Pwincetun nu wan be sabed! Pwincetun wubbed boxy! Boxy hewp Pwincetun watch teebee! Keep Pwincetun fwum wawk way fwum Pwincetun favwit shows! Nao nu nebba hab…finish nu…nebba again…tuu angwy! Ou wuin teebee!” Pwincetun hab wowstest angwies, but den stawt makin mowe saddy wawa and huhuhus. “Huuuuuu daddeh get bawks fow Pwincetun su nu hab tu hewp Pwincetun watch teebee. Nao daddeh nebba hewp Pwincetun gain!”
Dis am biggest saddies ebba see. Gween Gwassy gif wittwe soft huggy tu Pwincetun. “Am…am sowwy. Nu knu wat bawks fow. Fink dat Pwincetun in twubbwe! Nee hewp! Onwy make Pwincetun saddies, huuuuu, nu be saddies nu mowe! Ou bewy gud wookin stawwion hu nice an nebba meanie. Nu shud be saddies! Am aww Gween Gwassy fawt!” Nao Gween Gwassy cwy tuu.
Hab some saddy huhuhus an huggy cwy time wif Pwincetun an dat make feew bettew. “Pwincetun? Wai…wai hab bawksy fow teebee time?” Gween Gwassy awmost nu eben say dat, but stiww feew heawt huwties fow wat do. Pwincetun wook saddies again. “Pwincetun wub teebee, but awways wawk way when teebee fwends gu way fow dummeh not-shows! Dey bowing, but when shows back, Pwincetun nu membew! Bawksy hewp Pwincetun su nu can weabe, nu can miss show!” Den teebee change tu dummeh ads wike Pwincetun say. “Oh weww, Pwincetun gu pway wif bwockies. Huuuuuuu nebba watch teebee gain huhuhu…”
Den Gween Gwassy hab finky pwan.
“Pwincetun, mebbe…Gween Gwassy teww Pwincetun wen teebee back?” Pwincetun stop an dwop bwockie. Gween Gwassy scawed huhuhu… But den Pwincetun tuwn wound and hab biggest happies! “Weawwy? Ou weawwy du dat fow Pwincetun?” Pwincetun hab see pwace wawas, but dey happy nao! Pwincetub wun obew an gif big huggies tu Gween Gwassy! “Fankyu! Fankyu! Ou am bestest fwend! Wub ou fowebba!”
Gween Gwassy su happies! Wub nyu famiwy. Wub Pwincetun.
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Pwincetun suuuuuu happies can finawwy watch teebee an have wittwe bwocky bweak! Gween Gwassy am suuuuuu smawt, she nu fowget teebee! Eben wen nu am show Gween Gwassy wike, aww day wong Gween Gwassy ask Pwincetun bout teebee!
“Pwincetun, pwetty mawes back.”
“Pwincetun, dummeh babbeh show am stawtin, ou wan watch eben dow am dummeh show?”
“Pwincetun, wook! Dat fwuffy wook wike Gween Gwassy!” Pwincetun put bwockies down and sit by Gween Gwassy. “See, Pwincetun? Gween Gwassy am gween and su am pwetty teebee mawe! Mawe wook wike Gween Gwassy!” Gween Gwassy make wittwe giggwes an teehees cuz am su happies. “Nu, Pwincetun nu fink Gween Gwassy wook wike teebee mawe.” Gween Gwassy make saddy face just wike Pwincetun want! Su cwevew an sneeky! “W…weawwy? Wai say dat…” Gif big snuggwe huggies tu Gween Gwassy. “Ub cowse not! Gween Gwassy am much pwettiew.”
Wat? Nu am dummeh. Pwincetun knu wat pwetty mawes wike, an nyu fwend am pwettiest mawe ebba see! Gween Gwassy an Pwincetun make wittwe fwuffpiwe an watch teebee. An fow once, Pwincetun nu wan gu pway bwockies. Wan stay wiiiiight hewe.
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Christ. Long ass day. Well, time to go explain the insane way tv time works to-
Oh. Oh damn. Like damn damn. Glad they’re both fixed.