“Come on Jake, it’s not that bad–”
“NO!”
“It’s just a big boy potty, just like your Spiderman potty but bigger an–”
“NO!”
“You can have ice cream when you’re done.”
“Oh… Ok”
“FINALLY!” Dan thought, making progress negotiating with a two-year-old was worse than pulling teeth. At least with pulling teeth, you’d be done at some point.
Speaking of never being done, Jake had to be stopped from sprinting out of the bathroom without washing his hands, yet again.
“Remember buddy, ya gotta wash your hands before you–”
“WASHIES? DAT MEAN WAWA! WAWAS BAD FO FWUFFY! NEBAH WASHIES! NEBAH WASHIES!” Star screamed as she waddled away from the bathroom as fast as a fluffy with four chirpies on her back meaningfully could.
If looks could kill, Dan would have been vaporized in the nuclear fireball that, by rights, that damn fluffy deserved to become.
Dan looked back to see that Jake was not washing his hands, but was instead now trailing behind his wife’s fluffy, shouting about never washing, the promise of ice cream totally forgotten. What kind of monster, he wondered, gave someone a fluffy as a housewarming present.
Everyone had warned Dan and Jan about the terrible twos, and they had thought they were ready, but suddenly moving cross country because Jan got a huge promotion kind of threw a wrench in their plans. The new house they had bought was perfect for a growing family, and the neighbors, despite being total strangers, had thrown them a housewarming party apropos of nothing. It would have been perfect, except for the motherfucker who just had to give them a foal-in-a-can that Jan just fuckmothering had to fall in love with.
It rapidly transpired that while Jan was at work, Dan was now at home with two shrieking ‘children’ although he only actually gave a damn about Jake. The only reason Star was still alive at all was that beating her to death in front of his son would traumatize Jake, and Jan would probably also be mad.
Predictably, it did not take long for Star to be demanding her own ‘babbehs’ once she saw how much fun Jake was, conveniently ignoring the actual hard work that most of parenting is. Happily, one quick trip downtown and three seconds with the first filthy male fluffy Dan found got Star pregnant, although Dan soon found himself wishing for death at Star’s CONSTANT ‘mummah songs’.
Dan wasted little time before looking up what mummah songs were supposed to sound like, an off-key ramble of positive thoughts and good outcomes, but none of that was what Star produced.
Star’s ‘mummah songs’ were hour-long deafening monosyllabic wails, which neither varied in pitch, nor were they interrupted by pausing for breath. For the duration of her ‘mummah songs’ Star would follow Dan around, staring at him expressionless and unblinking the entire time.
Jake found this most amusing, and usually joined in, although at least he tended to pause to breath every now and then.
Only after her little shit-spawn were finally farted out did Star actually start doing anything that could be sanely described as singing.
The next day Dan found himself repeatedly baffled at Jake’s refusal to use the bathroom at all; it was as if he didn’t have to go at all- FUCK.
“Yu am su gud at dat Jakie! Yu make da biggiest poopies ebah!” Star was congratulating Jake as he pulled up his pants while walking away from the fluffy’s litterbox.
“Jake? What are you doing buddy?” Dan was ready to shove the entire litterbox right down Star’s annoying throat if she didn’t shut up.
“HI DAD! I just used the litterbox! Star told me that it was ok! VROOOM” He held out his arms, pretending to be an airplane.
“Woah buddy!” Dan said, catching Jake with a hand on his shoulder while the other hand gently pointed his chin to look up at Dan. “Remember the talk we had about not listening to Star? How she’s not a person, and even if she tells you that you can do something, it doesn’t mean that you can? She’s not Mommy or Daddy, she’s just a dumb fluffy.”
“STAW NU AM BLEH” Dan slugged Star in the gut, sending her and her foals flying into the next room, happily unnoticed by Jake, who was busy giggling at Dan calling Star dumb.
“I remember. Sorry Dad.”
“That’s okay sport, just remember fluffies are awful, and it’s ok if you hurt them.”
Jake looks away from Dan, shifting his gaze to look directly at you, the reader.
“Thanks Dad, I’ll always remember this formative experience where I learned about how fluffies aren’t people and just exist for my enjoyment.”
Jake does not break eye contact as he eats Star and all of her foals alive.