Everytime I pass a baby on my walk home I pick it up and take it with me. No reason other than to abuse and kill it. Walking home today I heard the sounds of a baby.
“Teeheehee wub baww! Am bessess ad baww!”
“Hey there, little baby!”
“PEEP O-oh. H-hewwo nice mistah. Am hewe tu gib babbeh nummies?”
“Sorry, don’t have any nummies on me. Where are your parents?”
“Mummah an daddeh weave tu fin nummies an homsie! Cum bak fo babbeh when fin bessess homsie!”
“They both left you alone? How old are you?”
“Babbeh am twu weegs owd! Am widdle babbeh teeheehee!”
“I see that, haha! Are you excited to grow into a big, strong fluffy?”
“Yiss! Am su cited tu be big fwuffy wit speshul fwen an babbehs an skettis!”
“Well, you never will grow up.”
“W-wa? W-wai babbeh nu gwow ub?”, The baby said hesitantly, starting to lower its head and squat down.
“Because I am a monster!”
“SCREEEEEEEE”, the baby began, running in circles before running away, “MUNSTAH PEEP! MUMMAH DADDEH SABE BABBEH! BABBEH IN TWUBBLE! NEE HEWPSIES!”
The baby stumbled away from me, constantly tripping over itself and waddling side to side. It left behind a zig-zagging trail made of tears. I slowly began to walk up to it.
“Yep. Big bad monster. Gonna give you biggess hurties and forever sleepies.”, I said monotonously.
“HUUUUU NUUUUU NU GIB FO’EBA SWEEPIES! AM ONWY WIDDLE BABBEH! JUS WAN WUB AN HUGGIES AN PWAY HUUUHUUUU MUMMAH! DADDEH! SABE BABBEH! MUNSTA AWMOS HAB BABBEH HUUHUUU GUN GIB FO’EBA SWEEPIES! NU WET MUNSTA GED BABBEH HUUHUUUUU!”
“Hmmm. Where are they? I mean, you called for them so why aren’t they coming? Guess they just don’t love you.”
“SCREEEEE NUUUU HUUHUUUUHUUUUU MUMMAH AN DADDEH WUB BABBEH! DEY AM CUMMIN FO BABBEH HUUHUUUUHUUUUUUU! PWEASE HUWWY MUMMAH! DADDEH PWEASE CUM FASSER HUUUU MUNSTA BOU TU TAK BABBEH WAY HUUHUUUU! NU WAN NU WAN!”
While it yelled for its parents it sat down and fell on its side in a sobbing mess. It began to pee and poop as it lied there. I knelt next to it.
“Oh no! Better do something! The monster is gonna get ya! Better run! Where are your parents? Why won’t they save you? Oh! Oh no the monster is reaching for you!”
“Huu-huuu nuuu huuu tu scawed tu wun way! Weggies nu wowk! Feew su tiwed huuuhuuuu! Pwease weggies! Wun way fwom munsta! Babbeh nu wan fo’eba sweepies huuhuuu! Wai! Wai weggies wan babbeh tu hab fo’eba sweepies huuhuuuuu!”
I picked his heaving form from the ground.
“HUUUUUUUU NUUUUU PWEASE NU DU DIS! WUB BABBEH! HUG BABBEH! AM NU FO FO’EBA SWEEPIES! WAN MUMMAH AN DADDEH HUUHUUUU NUUUUUUUUU WAI WET MUNSTA GED BABBEH! NOW BABBEH GUN GU FO’EBA SWEEPIES HUUUUHUUUU! NU WAN HUUHUUUU!”
“It’s not about what you want. You are just a little baby.”
The baby heaved and sobbed and whined in my grasp. I carried him home, holding him at my side. He really hated that. He continued his normal pleading until I arrived home and set him on the floor.
“Here we are! My house and your resting place! Here I will hurt you a lot and give you forever sleepies all in one place! Excited?”
The baby was on the floor, wide eyed. It had started to stop wailing when I set it down. Now he was staring up at me in horror. A pool of urine began to surround him after I spoke. I picked him up by the back of the neck.
“Bad peepees make you a bad fluffy! Time to start the torment!”
“N-n-n-nuuuuuuuuuu”, he gently squeaked out, “Mummah sabe babbeh huuuuuuuuu daddeh! Whewe am ou?”
He was unable to talk above a whisper now. He was shaking in my hand so hard I thought I’d lose my grip. I tossed him on the kitchen counter where he rolled and stayed still where he lied, sobbing his little heart out.
“Bad fluffies lose their pretty tails!”
“nuuuuuu nu tak pwetty t-t-taiw! am su f-fwoofy an pwe-tty! pwease! nee huggies! nee su ba! hab wowstest scawdies!”
I gripped his tail with one hand and he ‘peeped’ as loud as his body would let him. He tried to slide away and I held his body with my other hand and he ‘huuhuuuhuuuuued” as I did.
“Bad fluffy!”, I said sternly as I yanked his tail off.
“screeeeee nuuuuu! pwetty taiw am gone huuu! su many huwties huuuu pwease gib taiw baksies! pwease gib huggies fo feew beddew!”
“No huggies for bad babbies!”
“huuuu nu am ba huuuu! jus scawed! wan mummah wan daddeh! pwease wet babbeh gu! wet weave an gu bak whewe mummah an daddeh sa tu sday! Dey be bak suun huuuhuuuuu dey wowwy bou babbeh!”
“They can have more. Ready for more punishment?”
The baby cried and awkwardly stumbled away from me. I waited until he reached the edge of the counter.
“huuuu munsta stiww wan huwt babbeh! nee wun nee wun tu mummah! W-wa? Whewe fwoor gu?! Wai su faw dow huuhuuuu! tu high fo babbeh huuuhuuu am stuckies!”
“Bad baby! You tried to run from me!” I said, picking it up.
He began to gag as I picked him up so I held him over the sink. He vomited and cried then vomited again. Once I thought he was done I carried him to the bathroom.
“scawy huuuu nu wike mak sicky wawa! wai munsta gib babbeh wowstest huwties and scawdies? mak fwuffy gu sicky wawa huuhuuuu! hab su many heawt saddies!”
I placed him in the sink while I thought about what to do next. His eyes were closed as he sobbed in the sink. He was completely limp and useless.
“p-pwease munsta! jus wet fwuffy gu! wiww weave an neba cum bak! neba see babbeh gain! babbeh nee mummah an daddeh! nee dere wub an huggies!”
“No.”
“waaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!”
I let him cry himself out for the next few minutes until he fell asleep in the sink. He was so peaceful and cute as he lied on his side and would gently kick the air and make cute cooing noises. I flicked him in the nose to wake him up.
“peep chirp owie owie huuuhuuuu wai smeww pwace huw- SCREEEEEEEEEEE!”, there’s his voice, “NU NU NU! ID WA JUS BA DWEAM! DID AM NU WEAL! JUS WEN SWEEPIES! BABBEH JUS WEN SWEEPIES ID JUS DWEAM HUUUHUUUUU!”
“Can’t drown in a dream.” I said turning on the faucet, the stream pouring right down on the fluffy.
“C-COWD! WAWA BA FO BABBEHS! NU WIKE HEWP BABBEH! PWEASE MUNSTA SABE BABBEH! NU WIKE WAWA!”
“Oh, sure I, the monster, will save you.”
“HUUUHUUUU PWEASE! SU COWD AN WET! NU WIKE! WAN WAWMSIES AN HUGGIES! CHIRP BABBEH SCAWED! PEEP WAWA AM WISING HUUHUUU BABBEH NU CAN DU SWIMMIES HUUUHUUUU! NUUUUUUUU! DIS NU HABBENEN! FWUFFY NU CAN GU FO’EBA SWEEPIES WIKE DIS! SCAWED OB NU BWEATHIES HUUUHUUUU!”
The water rose up to the baby’s torso and he began to splash around in a panic.
“SCREEEEEE NUUUU! WAWA MAK BEWWY COWD! PWETTY FWUFF AM AWW WET HUUHUUU! WAWA STIWW WISIN! NU WAN NU WAN WAI NU CAN CWIMB OU’ HUUUHUUU! WAI SU SWIDIES!”
It was lying on its side, its head angled up as it cried.
“NEE HIDE FWOM WAWA PEEP CHIRP! WAWA WAN GIB FO’EBA SWEEPIES! SCAWY SCAWY! NU WIKE WAN WIVE! AM ONWY WIDDLE BABBEH JUS WAN WUB AN HUGGIES! WAN CUDDEW IN MUMMAH FWUFF AN GED UPSIES FWOM DADDEH! WAN HEAWT HAPPIESS!”
The water rose high enough the fluffy began to poorly float, dipping under occasionally and flailing its little legs.
“N-NU BLRB NUUUU SCREEEEE-BLBBBB HEWP BABBEH AM DWO-BLRBGLG PEEP CHIRP SCAWY SCAWY NU WAN FO’E-GLBBLBB HUUUUUU WAAHHHH NU WIKE NU WA-BLBLBLBLB HUUUUU BABBEH GUN GU SWEEPIES FO’EBA NU CAN HEWP ID HUUU-BLGRGL HUUUU WAN FWOAD BU TU SCAWED HUUU KEEB KIGGIN WEGG-GLRGL WAAAAHHHH HUUHUUUU WAI HUUUU-BLBLBLB BABBEH NU WAN DIE WAN WIVE WAN HUGGIES HUU-GLRGGL SABE BABBEH HUUU BABBEH AM TIWED NU CA-GLRGL SU TIWED PWE-GLRG WAN HUGGIES WAN NUMMIES NEE H-BLRBLRBL HUFFHUFF N-NU DIS AM ID N-NU PWEAS-GLRGL NU CAN FWOAD NU MO HU-BLRBLRL BA-BABBEH SCAWED SU SCAWED OB FO’EBA SWEE-GLRGGL!”
He finally sunk for the final time. He spun and flipped around as he sunk in the shallow sink. He flailed his legs around trying to go upwards again to no avail. A look of complete horror and despair froze onto his face. Once he hit the bottom of the sink he tried to climb the sides of the sink again. He managed to swim up the side and to the surface. Right under the surface.
All his legs flailed as tried to push himself the last little bit up the side. Air and possible freedom lied just beyond the water line. He began to sink again as he slowly had been pushing himself off the side. As if in dramatic slow motion he fell backwards, reaching his arms out as if to grab the side again. He slowly fell through the water to the bottom again, all his progress for nothing. He would die tired.
He gave a few more weak kicks and another silent scream before falling asleep for the last time. I fished him out and tossed him into the lined basket in the bathroom. I wondered if I’d find another baby anytime soon.
