This is a shitpost
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TimTam waited nervously backstage. This was his big moment, the big break he needed. He was a big green & yellow alley fluffy that television had scooped out from some back alley and brought on to one of their biggest teebee shows. Not that he really knew what teebee was: Finding nummies was one of his biggest concerns. The other was caring for his babbehs and that’s why he was here. His babbehs were the most important thing in life and the only reason why he tried as hard as he did!
“Go out, TimTam.” A bored human mummah told him, flipping through a few papers on a clipboard. Giving a gulp, he poked his head out curiously around a corner before a shoe caught him on the ass and sent him properly out with a stumble.
The lights were so bright! Out on the stage, the bright lights from up above seemed to glare directly in his eyes. Baked into his fur. Shifting uncomfortably, he squinted out and tried to make sense of what was out here. This was the place the funny humans had told him he’d be allowed to see HIS babbehs! Instead he was met by a sea of human faces. There was a stage in front of them, a little fluffy sized chair set up that he could clamber up onto. An old human daddeh with graying sat on a chair of his own size, facing the rainbow colored audience out in front of the two.
“Welcome, TimTam. I’m Maurice and this is the hit television show…Maurice! I heard you’ve been having difficulty seeing your foals.” The man told him with a hint of sympathy in his voice. Sniffling a bit with tears forming in his eyes, TimTam nodded a bit.
“Yis! TimTam wan babbehs an’ spechaw fwend say nu babbehs! Pwease wet TimTam! Huuuu!” His little fluffy tears weren’t met with sympathy from the audience however. A few in the front began to jeer, throwing trash out at the stage. An empty paper gave hit him right on the head and he’d give a small ‘huu’.
Maurice leaned back in his chair, giving Tim a rather smug look. “Well, we have the paternity tests. Let’s bring out Glitter and see what she has to say first, though.”
Glitter? Tim looked up hopefully from his chair. Spechaw fwend! Walking out from backstage was the pwettiest pink & white mare he’d ever seen. This was the very pwetty fwuffy he’d put his no-no stick into! The entire audience fucking erupted when she walked out, the mare dressed in an obnoxious skirt with her face covered in garish make-up.
“Gwittew’s babbehs nu am TimTam babbehs! Gwittew hab suuuuu many nu-nu sticks! TimTam nunu stick su smaww!” Prancing around the stage and giving several swishes of her skirt, Tim felt his face sink and the insides of his stomach feel as if they were about to erupt out his mouth. What was she saying? Spechaw huggies were spechaw…why was she saying these mean things about his nu-nu stick?
“Nuu! TimTam put babbehs in spechaw fwend! Pwease bewieb fwuffy! PWEASE!” He yelled out desperately, trying to get everyone to listen. Maurice turned to look at a projector screen set behind the stage. Giving an indication with one finger, a projection began playing on it and audio was pipped in from speakers tastefully hidden around the stage.
ENF! ENF! GUUUUUD FEEEEEEEWS!
That’s what TimTam heard. Shivering a bit, he turned to watch the screen. There was Glitter his special friend, having speciaw huggies with not one but four different stallions that WEREN’T him backstage. Honestly the stallion didn’t even know you could have special huggies like that. Standing up in his chair he’d shriek at the screen.
“TUWN IT OFF NUUHUUHUU!” Waggling his arms around as if it would cause the projection to stop. It eventually did and Glitter would go proudly stepping across the stage as he sank down against his chair. With a grind, a large light-up arrow descended from up above Tim-Tam and with a flash of many bulbs displayed a message: ‘CUCK’. Howling like a bunch of cavemen who had just discovered fire, the audience would erupt in a chorus of ‘CUCK CUCK CUCK CUCK!’
A big bald man wearing a security shirt came out from backstage and grabbed Tim’s chair, shoving him out of it and tossing the chair into the wall.
“YOU THINK CUCKS GET TO SIT ON MY CHAIRS!?” He bellowed at the poor stallion who’d curled up on the ground. Whimpering, Tim asked pathetically: ‘Who am yew!?“
There was no time for an answer though because the bald man was already stomping back offstage to the thunderous applause of the audience.
Glancing down to TimTam, Maurice waved a manilla envelope around. “Here are the results to your test. But first, would you like to look at the foals you think are yours?”
Nodding enthusiastically, Tim hopped to his hooves and waved his tail about enthusiastically. “Yis pwease! Pwetty babbehs! Yay babbehs!” With that said, the female intern who had kicked him in the ass earlier walked out with a basket of foals cradled in her arms. The little babbehs were peeping and cheeping, and TimTam waggled a hoof out at the basket.
“Wook at da babbehs! Dey hab hoofsies! TimTam hab hoofsies tu!” His eyes lit up. These were the most important things in his life. If he could be told they were his and finally be allowed to see him, none of this would matter. They’d all go back to the alleyway in which they were pulled from and live happy lives! He’d find all da nummies like the bestest daddeh!
Maurice rifled a piece of paper from the manilla envelope and pressed it over to TimTam. It’s not like the stallion could read but he’d look down to the piece of paper and see an…incredibly ugly picture.
“Nu pwetty pitcher? Wat am dis?” He asked with a deep note of longing in his voice, wanting those babbehs to be his already. Maurice leaned out of his chair.
“That’s you as a soyjak. By the way, the foals aren’t yours.” The audience went completely still. Breathless. This was their moment. Silence wrapped around the area, to the point where the uneven drizzling of the stallion’s urine and plopping of poopies could be heard as he completely voided his bowels and bladder.
“Nuuhuuhuu! Nu! Babbehs! Daddeh wub yew! EEEEE!” Falling down into his own shit he began to screech hysterically and kick his back weggies around. As if to counteract TimTam’s tragedy, Glitter would go boogying across the stage to uproarious applause. The audience knew what came next and began stomping their feet while clapping.
“MAURICE! MAURICE! MAURICE!” They chanted. Jeered. Tim looked out over the audience, feeling their hate and loathing wash over him. Here was a fluffy who had lived in an alleyway his entire life yet this was a savagery which he’d never before witnessed. Spit flew out at him in great showers. A big soft pretzel struck him right in the eye and got a giant clump of salt embedded into it. Screeching, he got dragged up by his mane. It was the big bald man who’d thrown the chair earlier.
“Pwease wub fwuffy! Nu wan babbehs nu mowe! Pwease! Nu unnehstan! Pwease wub!” Kicking around helplessly, he watched as Maurice finally got up from his chair and stuck a hand into his suit jacket. Glinting in the studio lights, a cigar cutter was brought to bear in front of the fluffy.
“Nunununununununu!” TimTam pleaded. Feeling the circular thing forced around his nu-nu stick, the device was clamped down. With a ‘sshk’, Tim felt his penis meet cold steel. The winner here? Steel, of course. The worst pain of his life, almost enough to make him pass out. Tim watched as his disembodied wiener was thrown out to the audience.
“EEEEEEE!” The fluffy screeched as he was dropped down to the floor. Writing in pain. Blood pooling out around him. By now the audience was advancing upon him, climbing out over the stage.
“MAURICE! MAURICE! MAURICE!” Screaming. Saying the name over and over again until it lost all meaning, becoming just a guttural sound growled out. Trying to crawl away from the ground, he found himself pinned down by an ocean of grabbing hands. Wrenching, they started pulling off his limbs with cracks and jets of blood. A grandmother wearing a fanny pack went double-handed right into his tummy, digging through the flesh and dragging out liver spotted fistfuls of oily looking intestine. TimTam looked to her, saw nothing but crazed eyes, felt the world started to go black. Eyes flickering to focus on the ceiling, a shower of rainbow colored confetti began to drift down. The ‘CUCK’ sign continued to flash, and because he didn’t know how to read he assumed this must be what ‘going toward the light’ meant. A human daddeh had told him that once, it’s what you did when you went fowebbah sweepies. Focusing on the flashing sign, he had to try and look past Glitter who had started twerking over his rent open ribcage.
Eventually his vision faded. He could still hear though. The pulse and thud of the chant, the crowd picking over him like he would over a pile of good looking garbage.
MAURICE MAURICE MAURICE!