“Susan? Susan, come on. She’s at the door again, come deal with this shit.” Ugggggh fuck you, Ray. You’re the one who fed it.
“Fine, but only because she seems to listen to me.” I pause. “Well, not like listen listen. You know what I mean, right?” Ray was at the door with that “I can’t do this without laughing” face that makes him useless at sending away fluffies.
“She’s being very insistent.”
“No shit. You tell her off?”
"Yeah, but she kept knocking and asking for ‘Nice Wady’ and I told her I only know one of those and she’s not here, but maybe you…"
I stop him. “Ray. You’re an infant. Go back to bed. If you’re not gonna be helping with this fluffy, I don’t want to be dealing with a tired and cranky you tomorrow.” He gives an over the top eye roll and prances down the hallway. Christ. The shit I put up with.
I light my pipe and slip on my housecoat and slippers. Might as well be a full blown fuckin’ cliche. Probably gonna go over better in Dayton than just walkin’ out with the girls on display.
I go back and top the pipe off. I can already feel my blood pressure spiking and I need a nice firm indica or I’m gonna be cleaning fluffy shit off my door again.
I can see her shadow through the slants on the wood door. She’s pretty close, so I kick it. I hear a yelp and a bunch of scraping and thumping noises skitter down the porch steps. I open the door and walk out, much to the delight of the fluffy in front of me. “Hewwo! Nice wady wemembew Spwinnifew?”
I shut my eyes and rub my sinuses. Fucking Christ. The fuck kinda name is that? “Yes. I remember you. I remember telling you to leave by the next dark time two dark times ago. Why are you here?” I take a long drag on my pipe and blow it in her face.
So I’m being a bitch, fucking sue me. It’s like 2 AM and I have better shit to do.
She coughs. It’s kinda pitiful, she gets scared each time and makes a weirdly fearful face between coughs. It’s like she doesn’t know what’s happening. The babbehs on her back are freaking out.
“Haf! Haf! Hewp babbeh! keff Huuu babbeh…nu wike siwwy smokey!” They’re trembling and holding onto each other. Christ. They’re all in tears already. The mummah steadies herself as she walks back towards me. “Hafta gu swow, nu wan faww!” Is she saying that to herself? Weird. “Uh oh, look out! A monster behind you!” She shits like a hydrant. Had to wait for her to be facing off the veranda.
She starts scrambling towards me, forgetting all about going slow. “Munstah! Nnnnnnnu! Nu huwt gud mummah!” Ope, she dropped off a step. Jesus, they’re clumsy.
I sit down on the porch steps next to the terrified lump trying in vain to summit the stair. When she notices me, she immediately nuzzles up to me. “Pwease! Sabe fwum munstah! Nu can see munstah! Tu scawy! Nu can wun way!” Ohhhh, no. Gonna put a stop to this shit.
I check the bowl of my pipe. Looks like we’re down to smoldering ashes. One baby on her back is futzing his way around, calming and reassuring his siblings. I angle the bowl of the pipe towards him and smack the bottom with my Zippo to ash all over him and his siblings. It ain’t much, but everyone gets a couple cinders, and big brother turned when I was doing it so a bunch went in his mouth. Whoops. Feel a little bad about that.
Christ, I’ve gotten fucking numb to these things.
They all start peeping except big brother. He’s still spitting out ash. Mummah looks to me like I’ve betrayed her. “Wai huwt babbehs? Nee hewp ow gunna be nummies fow munstah!” I put more weed in my pipe. Christ these things give me a headache.
“Look, there’s no monster. I lied to scare you. I want you to leave or I’m gonna start throwing rocks and stuff at you.” She starts stamping her hooves in frustration. "Nice wady! Wai wann fwow wockie huwties fo fwaaafy!" Oh wow she’s really leaning on the vowel there. They think that’s cute.
"Stop. That shit works on Ray, not me. I’m out here because I don’t find you entertaining. Now I know that-" I point my pipe out at the dark brush past the porch. “May be scary? But if you don’t walk away by the time I’m done with this pipe, I’m gonna pick up one of your babies and throw it into the woods.”
She didn’t love that. “Pwease nu huwt babbehs! Am onwy wittwe babbehs! Pwease nu huwt!” I hear another voice. The big babbeh has his voice back. He’s raspy, but still undoubtedly peepy. “Dummeh munstah! Ou gif huwties tu bigges’ babbeh! Mummah, gif sowwy poopies!” He starts shitting, almost as though thinking of it caused him to have to shit.
“Huhuhu nu gif sowwy poopies tu babbehs bwudda!” His siblings weren’t thrilled and he went to go calm them. I looked back down at the mummah and took a drag. “So, are you leaving?” She started nervously tapdancing at me. “Huuu, nu make mummah weabe! Pwease! Mummah nee wawm howsie fow babbehs! Babbehs am hungwy, an…an cowd! Mummah and babbehs awe cowd! Pwease nice wady. Pwease nu fwow.” She placed her hoof gently on my thigh. It squooshed like a wet marshmallow. Her feet look awful. Must suck having to bum around in the woods with hooves made for kids.
Her eyes are filling with tears. She looks desperate. Even her big baby is coming up. “N…nice wady? Am sowwy caww ou munstah. Pwease hewp mummah fow hewp babbehs! Babbehs am cowd!” He starts shivering. I reach out to him and he nuzzles against my hand. I cup him a bit and when he gets closer I gently pick him up.
“You have very pretty babies, Stinky. Especially this fella.” I tickle his tummy with my thumb as I take one last draw from my pipe. “You’ve made me feel sorry for you so I’m not gonna throw your baby. But you still have to leave.” While I explain it I’m pressing harder and harder on his gut. He’s slapping his hoofsies clumsily to dissuade me, but it’s a wasted effort. Soon he starts shitting. “Screeeeeee! Baaaaad poopies!” Good. Gotta clean him out. “But I’m done smoking my pipe, so there have to be consequences.” I draw in to make the ashes nice and hot before I flip the pipe over his snout and hold it with my thumb. Poor bastard, it just barely fits. God that must be fucking excruciating.
Call me a monster? Fine. I’ll play the part.
Once he stops screeching and passes out I unstick his snout. He coughs up some blood and tar but doesn’t wake up. He’s burnt pretty bad. Gonna lose a lot of fluff off his snout, and God only knows what I did to his sense of smell and taste.
I hold him in front of his mother. He’s starting to stir and feel his burns. “Peep! Owwwwwwww! Smah pahh hahhhhhh!” Oh wow, his lips are fused. Hope that doesn’t stick. His mother is sobbing. “Pwease! Nu huwt babbeh! Mummah wiww weabe! Mummah wiww weabe!” I laugh and spit in her eye. Then I lightly toss the weeping foal into the brush. Not hard enough to hurt him, but he’s got a lot of open wounds and he’s gonna screech until he passes out. She putters off towards him, waddling like a baby pig. “Huuuu meanie wady fwow babbeh! Wai du dat? Mummah awweddy say gunna weabe! Huuuuuu… Mummah comin babbeh, nu wowwy.” She disappears into the tall grass, and her babbling into the morass of crickets and frogs that fill the fall air. Ray is smoking a cigarette by the door. “Jesus, Sue. Can’t imagine she’ll come back after that.” I shoot him a condescending look. “Please. You know she started with like nine kids, right?” He stops. “Are you saying you did this before? And she still came back?”
“Why do you think I knew his snout would fit?”