“DUMMEH GIT BAK HEWE NYO! SMAWTY NU DUN WIV YU!”
The loud high-pitched screech awoke Arthur Richards from his afternoon nap, the tired and grouchy old man pulled himself out of his favourite chair and hobbled over to the window to see what the fuss was about.
Looking out at his back garden he spotted two Fluffies, both clearly having pushed their way in through a cracked board. Arthur grumbled to himself, annoyed that his laziness had allowed these two interlopers to break into his home. But as he looked closer, Arthur saw that the two Fluffies hadn’t left the fence, rather they were sticking as close to it as possible with one of them throwing their hoofs at the crack.
It was then that Arthur heard the high-pitch screech again.
“STOP GIBBEN SMAWTY HUWTIES! ONWY SMAWTY GIB HUWTIES!”
These two weren’t invading, they were escaping.
Goddammit.
Arthur really didn’t want to get involved, but he knew if he didn’t this was likely to get worse. With a heavy sigh he grabbed his boots, his coat and his hunting knife and made for the front door, figuring he it would be safer to deal with the threat outside his garden before dealing with the problem inside.
As he reached the back of his fence, Arthur saw what the problem was, a large black unicorn stallion was trying to force his way into Arthur’s garden while a bright blue earthie stallion stood in wait behind him. The unicorn wasn’t just big, he was fat, abnormally so, so fat that even if the Fluffies on the other side of the fence weren’t smacking him in the face every time he tried to poke his fat fucking face through, he would still struggle to fit his bulk into the gap.
To Arthur it seemed to make more sense for the stronger and slimmer blue Pegasus to try fitting through the gap, but the fat fuck was adamant it must be him.
“RRRRREEEEEEEEEE!!! SMAWTY GUN GIB BABBEH WOWSTESH EBA SOWWY HOOFIES, AN THWOW DAT DUMMEH MAWE TU AWW DA TUFFIES DAT WAN GIB HEW ENFIES!”
“Whit’s going on ‘ere then?”
There were four loud screams and three foul shits as all but the blue Pegasus shat themselves from the sudden noise, the Black Smarty quickly recovered and marched over to Arthur.
“Hoomin, hewp Smawty intu Gwassie Pwace su Smawty can gib dummehs wowstesh huwties.”
“Well first up ‘at’s MA garden, so naw I willnaw let ye in.”
The Smarty scowled. “Nu be dummeh hoomin, yu nu wan Fwuffies in Gwassie Pwace, Smawty nu wan Fwuffies in Gwassie Pwace. Wet’s hewp eech udda.”
“At depends on why ye’re chasing ‘em, I’m no about tae help ye rape an murder a couple wee innocents.”
“BAH!” The Smarty spat on the grass. “Dey nu gud Fwuffies, dummeh stawwion am Smawty’s babbeh, he am WOWSTESH BABBEH EBA…”
From behind the fence, a soft crying could be heard.
“…Nu undastan dat Smawty hab fiwst enfies wiv AWW mawes, it am Smawty’s WIGHT! He fink cos he make dat dummeh mawe his speciaw-fwiend dat Smawtyu nu gib hew enfies tuu.”
Arthur took a moment to process what the fat bastard was saying, he still wasn’t 100% on Fluffy talk.
“So tell me if I got this right. The two wee-yins in ma garden are yer kid and his missue, and they came here cause you were threatening tae fuck the girl whether she wanted it or not.”
The Smarty flinched as the casual F-Bomb but said nothing, instead he smiled at Arthur and nodded.
“Dat wight, yu am smawt hoomin. Nyo hewp Smawty into Gwassie Pwace su Smawty can…UWK!”
Arthur grabbed the fat fuck by his pudgy tail and lifted him high off the ground, there was a considerable weight to him but after 40 odd years of manual labour, Arthur had the muscles to spare. The fat Smarty screeched and cried, he shit himself again – whether out of fear or as a defensive tactic Arthur couldn’t say – only for the wet sludge to dribble out his upturned asshole and down his stomach towards his nose and mouth.
“NU WIKE, NU WIKE! PUT SMAWTY DOWN NYO!”
“Dummeh hoomin, wet Smawty gu.”
The blue Pegasus charged at Arthur, attempting to attack his boots, but one hit on the hardened leather and the winged idiot dropped to the ground howling.
“HUU! Wowstesh weggie huwties.”
Arthur looked down at the Pegasus and growled. “Ye got a name son?”
“Namesie? Namesie am Sy-An.”
“Listen up Cyan cause I’m gonnae give ye two options. I’ll give ye at first hit fir free but if ya wanna stay here and hit me again, then I’m gonna hit back an I’m gonna hit ya real fucking hard, ya get me? Or, ye can leave this fat piece a shit wae me, turn aroond and tell all yer pals that he’s deed. Who knows, maybe ye could be the new Smarty yerself now.”
Cyan’s eyes darted between Arthur and The Smarty, his mind unable to make a choice between the two options, when finally Smarty made the choice for him.
“DUMMEH TUFFIE NU AM SMAWTY, HEWP SMAWTY NYO OW SMAWTY KIK DUMMEH IN DA WUMPS!”
Cyan huffed and looked up at Arthur, with just a nod he silently turned and walked away, leaving the Smarty in Arthur’s hands. Arthur watched until Cyan was far enough away before lifting the Smarty up to eye-level.
“Ye’re all alone now sonny. Ye know whit that means, dontcha?”
A small dribble of piss leaked out of the Smarty’s tiny pecker, dripping onto his face but he was too scared to even notice it.
“Pwease, nu huwt Smawty, Smawty am gud Fwuffy.”
“No yer no. Yer a fuckin sex pest and a fat bastard tae boot. If I wis a younger man, I’d spend the next several hours carving pieces off a ya an feeding ‘em tae ya. Luckily fir ye, I’m no a younger man anymore.”
The Smarty’s face slowly lit up with hope. “So… hoomin nu gib Smawty huwties?”
“Och sonny, I didnae say ‘at now, did I?”
With his free hand, Arthur plunged the hunting knife into the Smarty’s fat belly, with precision and speed he carved a large wound into Smarty’s torso, spilling blood and guts onto the dirt below him. The Smarty tried to scream in pain but all he could do was gurgle the blood that was filling his lungs, Arthur wiped the blade off on the Smarty’s black Fluff before tossing the dying stallion away into the bushes. There were no other houses around for miles so all he had to worry about was the occasional stray dog, and dogs he could handle.
Fluffies on the other hand…
Arthur washed the blood off of his hands before heading into the garden to meet the newcomers, he still wasn’t sure what to do with them but he figured bloodstains wouldn’t make the best first impression. When he opened the backdoor into his garden he saw the two Fluffies still at the fence, they seemed to have relaxed somewhat following the disappearance of the Smarty bastard but both were still clearly on edge.
Even still, Arthur was able to get within a few feet of them before they realised he was there. As The Smarty had said it was a stallion and a mare, at first glance they seemed to be on the younger side but on closer inspection Arthur could see they were both underfed, potentially malnourished, and both with bloodshot eyes like they hadn’t slept in ages. Arthur wasn’t sure how long they had been on the run but he regularly took long walks in the fields outside his home and he hadn’t come across any Fluffy spots for miles upon miles, these two had been running for days, maybe longer, with barely anytime to feed.
Arthur felt a tinge of pity for the pair, pity that he hoped wouldn’t be misplaced.
As soon as the pair noticed him, the stallion jumped in front of the mare, he was a soft grey unicorn with a black mane likely inherited from his father, she was a green Pegasus with a pastel yellow mane. His show of strength in protecting her would’ve been admirable if the poor guy wasn’t quivering on the spot, but he got points for trying.
“Wh…wha hoomin wan? Wea…Weave Fwuffies aw…awone.”
“This is ma garden sonny, I’m jist here tae make sure there’s nae funny business.”
“Namesies am Wock, no Sun-ee.”
“I was jist… never mind. Look I’m no here tae hurt ye or anything like ‘at. I dealt wae the fat bastard on the other side of the fence, he told he wis trying tae fuck yer missus.”
The mare squeaked at the curse words. “Cewewy nu wike meanie wowdies.”
“Pwease mistah, nu say bad wowdies neaw speciaw-fwiend, gib heawt-huwties.”
Arthur muttered under his breath. “Jist ma fuckin luck tae git… Ok, I’ll cut down on the swearing. Somehow. Ma point is that ye’ve git nothing tae fear anymore, yer da’s deed.”
Rock perked up at the mention of his father’s death. “Yu gib daddeh foweba sweepies?”
“If ‘at means he’s deed, then aye.”
“Dat… dat gud, daddeh was biggesh meanie, twy gib speciaw-fwiend wowstesh bad huggies, twy gib Wock foweba sweepies.”
“Aye, he sounds like a right cun… a right bad guy.”
Rock nodded, now feeling safer in Arthur’s presence, he relaxed his defensive posture and leaned into to softly pet Celery, clearly the two of them were exhausted, starving, likely driven by the hope of something better. The pair were young, feral sure but still young enough to have that inane Fluffy hope of something better just waiting for them, and as Rock looked up at Arthur, the old man knew what the stallion was about to ask him.
“Nice mistah be nyu daddeh?”
“I’m sorry sonny, I’m no a Fluffy type guy, it’s nothing personal, I just dinnae really see the appeal.”
“Pwease mistah, Wock an speciaw-fwiend nu need aneefing, jus nummies an sweepies, nu hab anee in su many fowebas. Jus wet Fwuffies hab wawm bedsies an nummies, nuffin ewse.”
Behind Rock, Celery let out a weak whine. “Pwease, jus fow wittew bit.”
Arthur groaned under his breath, this was why he didn’t want to get involved, now he was too far in and this fucking Fluffies were trying to guilt trip him. He kicked the ground in frustration, the dirt shaking the overgrown grass and…
Wait.
“I’ll tell ye whit sonny, let’s make a deal.”
“Deah, wha deah?”
“It’s where I do something for you, and you do something for me in return. I’ll give both of you a place to sleep and some food, but in return I want to two of you to help keep my garden tidy.”
Celery stepped forward, intrigued by this ‘deal’ thing. “Wha nice mistah wan Fwuffies tu du?”
“Mostly ye’ll be keeping the grass tidy, ye can eat it down tae a good level. Occasionally I’ll git ye tae shit… I mean poop in the flower beds but that’ll no be till later in the year. We’ll start small and work our way up from there.”
Rock looked quizzically at Arthur. “Su Wock an speciaw-fwiend num gwassie and make gud poopies, an nice mistah gib Fwuffies homesie an nummies.”
“Aye, in a manner of speaking. Now before ye both go off on one, I’m no yer da, so dinnae start wae dat ‘Daddy’ piss. This isnae about pets an owners, this is a mutually beneficial work agreement, ye need shelter an I need someone tae git this fuc… this lawn in shape cause I’m tae old tae dae it ma-self.”
The two Fluffies stared at him for a few moments, it appeared that Fluffies had just as much trouble understanding Arthur’s thick accent as he had understanding their baby-talk. But eventually the pair smiled and nodded.
“Dat sound gud.” Rock said enthusiastically. “Fwuffies hewp nice mistah wiv Gwassie Pwace.”
“I’m glad tae hear ‘at sonny. And in future jus cal me ‘Mr Richards’, none of this ‘nice mistah’ stuff.”
“Ok Mistah Wichawds.”
“Good, now come wae me, I’ll set ye up a sleeping area in the shed.”
Arthur led the two Fluffies to the other end of his garden where his shed was, thankfully he’d kept it in decent enough shape – distractions to keep him from doing actual work – so once the door was open all it took was some dusting and an old blanket tossed onto the ground to make it Fluffy-approved.
“I ken it’s no much, but It’ll do fir now an I can git ye something better tomorrow.”
“It am gud.” Celery spoke with a tired but appreciative voice. “Fank yu nice mis… fank yu Mistah Wichawds.”
“Nae problem, ye two git comfortable, I’ll see if I can git ye some food.”
Arthur left the pair to rush back to his kitchen, he didn’t have any Fluffy kibble but he did have cereal, specifically cereal made of Corn and shapes into Flakes, not the best but it should give the pair a small energy boost until he could get them proper food.
Arthur poured the cereal into two bowls and jogged back to the shed, but by the time he arrived both Rock and Celery were fast asleep, finally feeling safe enough to rest after their arduous journey. Celery was resting her head on Rock’s outstretched hoofs while Rock’s head was laying on her back, her steady breathing soothing his slumber.
It was fucking adorable.
Arthur smiled at the pair, left the bowls on the floor, and let them rest, they could discuss their arrangement tomorrow. That would give Arthur enough time to boot up the old computer and actually research how to look after Fluffies.
He chuckled to himself. “Arthur ya old bastard, I hope ye ken whit yer getting yerself in fir.”
