This has been an awful few months. Unemployed and barely supporting my husband with the occasional odd job, thankfully his current job keeps us housed for now.
My current job has me at a “haunted” house in Milwaukee to provide an exorcism. The majority of these exorcisms have me removing raccoons, possums, the occasional drifter, or fluffies out of the walls. Mostly Fluffies which for this job it is, again.
“Nu nu! Pwease, nee wawm housie! Pwease!” The filthy sky blue Pegasus begged from the box it waited in while I tried to extract it’s friends from under the porch crawl space. I gagged from the stench as I pull out a crippled litter pal.
“Wan die, wan die, wan die…” It droned on " I’m so sorry pal, I’ll make it better." I hold it to my chest with one arm as I hold it’s chin in my free hand ready to twist. I look at it as it stopped it’s loop, it’s eyes closed tears flowing but it looked like it was smiling. With a snap it goes limp.
“Screeeee! Why gib poopie nummah foweba sweepies!” I ignore the pegasus’s cries as I grab hold of a fat pink leg in the crawl space and slowly pull. " Screeee! Stawph Dummeh Hoomin! Smawti Mummah Nee Weggie!! I feel and hear a torrent of hot fluid slap onto my gloved arm as I pull out a VERY pregnant smarty Mare.
Her bulk acted as a sort of a pipe cleaner as with the Smarty I drag with it large deposits of various filth including her shit and urine, afterbirth, and about eight half formed foals. This cause me to finally loose my lunch.
After painting the inside of a trash can with my breakfast I return to my work, only to see the smarty mommy being assisted by 2 other mares absolutely covered in fat little unicorn foals screaming their displeasure but another male sky blue Pegasus, All trying to push her back into the crawl space.
Chaos erupted as I grabbed the male making him scream and shit, causing his brother in the box to scream and shit, the two nurse mares to flee and shit, the babies to cry and shit, and the smarty to bellow commands… And shit.
In the panicked confusion the mares to crash into one another and drop five smarty babies between them before quickly disappear behind the house, the mother shrieks in disgust demanding they return.
As dump the Pegasus with his brother and I carefully scoop up the last of the fat babies I see the smarty has these mares on a very short leash as they both are frozen in terror only just around the corner of the building. I drop the foals in a sperate box as I lift smarty momma off the ground by her scruff.
" Dummeh hooman! Wet smawti mummah down! Nu nee bad upies onwi nee sketti an Babbehs!" I shake her a bit as I toss her in the box causing a scream of pain as she likely landed on one of her special friends.
I advanced on the 2 mares but they quickly shake free from the babies and vanish into the brush giggling happily. " Huh, well you fat little monsters really must be hell for them to sacrifice you like that." I chuckle picking up the other 7 babies.
One an Extra fat fuscia unicorn with a lite purple mane begins to it’s protest chirping between almost each word. " Dummeh! bestest nu munsta! Bestest! Am bestest! An bestest! Am smawti! An… " I dump her in the box of foals with her siblings before she can prattle on.
I finished scooping out dried feces, rotting food, and a ton of dead babies. Most half eaten almost all colors fluffies hate, including about 4 alicorns and other more vibrant ones which likely belonged to the nurse mares put to death so smarty momma can have more food for her and her brood.
“I called for an Exorcism! And you charge me for an extermination!?” The harassed elderly man in an unseasonally vibrant and much to short silk kimono huffed as he took a drag on his cigarette. “This is one of Milwaukee’s most haunted houses!” He gave a lively flourish with his hand towards his home.
" It Was one of the most haunted houses. The people who died here died in the 1950s, it’s now 2023. If the previous owners hadn’t already removed the ghost the ghost likely found rest or closure within the past seventy some years." I state matter of fact.
After a heated argument I received my payment after threatening to return the fluffies to the porch nest. Fluffy control arrives and takes off with the adults of the family and I stop at a fluff mart with the foals and pocket some more cash.
" Hey hunny bun, I hope you’re having fun at your leather event, I made us some grocery money. Can’t wait to see you tonight." I send off the text as I walk to get some much needed food.
On my way to go eat I see many people walking their animals, well behaved fluffies included. I love fluffies I do, but they are painted as such loathsome creatures with awful bowel movements. Ok granted the shit thing is pretty true but there are several new food brands out there that helps make their movements a lot less potent.
I stop and watch a family play fetch with their Weiner Dog and a little yellow and orange earthie. Everyone looks so happy. My thoughts are cut short as my phone buzzes in my pocket. Surprisingly it’s from a friend of Ryan’s.
“Penny Hi! What’s up how are you doing?” I answered but her voice sounds mildly panicked. “Wilde oh thank goodness, you’re still unemployed Right?!” I barely get the yes out and she is already responding. “Ok Good! I mean not good but, ok so I had an idea that involved those neat pictures of that old timey unicorn drawing you did with the old strange fairy tales.” She paused
“Yes, what about them? Are you alright?” Now I’m getting mildly nervous. " No I’m fine, it’s just." She groans. " I inadvertently pitched a Fluff TV television show for the company I work at and to not have to deal with all the people and executives I said it was your idea and they want to meet you and hear more ideas and I AM SO SORRY!"
My brain finally processed the panicked run on paragraph that spewed from her mouth and all I could do was laugh meekly. " I know this is a lot Wilde but I can have my AI programs make the animation for the show you just need to make short fluffy friendly stories, which I know you can!" There was a pregnant silence.
“Ok, I’ll do it.” I said with as much confidence as I could muster. There was a little triumphant cheer on the other line. " Oh my gosh, thank you thank you thank you! I’ll email you clips of animations and the same stuff I told them to keep our stories straight." After some more talking about the plan I ended the call my head dizzy.
This was crazy, I proceeded to drop to my knees a wretch violently as my body once again tries to void my already empty stomach. Christ what was I thinking this is so stupid I’m so, no, NO! I stop my negativity as best I can. Worst that can happen is they don’t take the idea and I don’t get hired. I’ll be fine, Penny will be fine, everything is fine.
I text my husband about what Penny told me when I come across a pair of men filling a vending machine. “Yo Louie what we doin wit all des extra pony soda things?” A grubby ineloquent man in work overalls was addressing an equally grubby though much thinner man.
“We toss em in the truck til we need to restock Mahty, but dey won’t last dat long. Neva do.” He kicked the wooden crate which caused a cacophony of muffled peeping. I walk forward I spot a few dozen foal-ina-can tubes. Each printed with a label to resemble various soda flavors showing what type of fluffy and their color you’d get.
“Hey, guys?” I address to two workers, eyeing a tube showing what would be a grape soda unicorn. “Can I buy one of the ones in the crate to lighten up the load?” I try not to sound to desperate or nervous. 'Nah." My heart sank to the pavement.
" But we ain’t gonna stop ya if ya take one. Company don’t give two shits and we don’t needer." They turn back to finish setting up the vender, I grab the tube and can feel the fragile life stir and peep.
“Thank you.” They absentmindedly wave me off as I head back to the hotel we’re staying for the weekend. My stomach in knots, not only am I trying to take on a producer job I just learned about, I’m also going to take on fatherhood.
" Ryan ok more news, uh don’t hate me, but…"
I send the start of possibly very long text.