I like to adopt elderly fluffies. Give them a home, toys, hugs, and love in their final days instead of rotting in a shelter dying in a cold cage. Well, at least that’s what the checkout ladies think. I walk in to the pet store and head to the back in a dimly lit corner where they keep the most undesirable pets, usually old and poopie fluffies. Opening the shabby door to the closet they keep them in, I was blasted by the sound of fluffies expressing all manner of emotions.
“Huuuuuhuuuuuuuuuu wai mummah bwing tu shewtew an nu tak homsie huuu be mummahs pwetty widdle fwuffy sinc babbeh huuhuuu wai weave fwuffy huuu nu wike wan be in sabewoom. Fwuffy nu hab many mo bwite times huuuhuuuu wan gu in mummahs fwon weggies huuuuu NU WAN GU IN SHEWTEW HUUUU AWW AWONE HUUU SU COWD NU WIKE! NU WOOM IN CAGE HUUUUUU SABE FWUFFY MUMMAH NU WAN GU HEWE AM SCAWED HUUUU WUB FWUFFY GAIN WUB FWUFFY GAIN!”
“GASP Nice mistah! Wiww ou be nyu daddeh! Knu am nu pwetty cowow bu am bessess fwuffy an gib bessess huggies! Ni-Nice mistah? W-wook ad fwuffy teeheehee du dancies fo nyu da- N-nice mistah? Pw-pwease huuuuu pwease adob fwuffy nu wan be hewe huuuu id am scawy an dawk! Cage am su smoll huuuuhuuuuu wan wun an pway! Meanie nummie bwingews sa dey tak fwuffys weggies soon huuuhuuu! Pwease mistah! Tak fwuffy! Wet ou’sid an fwuffy wun way neba see gain! Nu hab tu gib sabewoom or nummies huuuhuuu jus tak ou’sidsies an wet gu huuuuuu PWEASE NICE MISTAH NU WAN WOSE WEGGIES HUUHUUUU!”
“Huuuuhuuuuu wai nu gib nummies wen nummie time huuuhuuuuu! Odda fwuffies ged nummies. Am ba fwuffy? N-nu wan be ba fwuffy huuuhuuu! Wai ged gwabbed by meanie fwuffy stowe? Nu mean tu num dewe twashies huuuhuuuuuu teww dem sowwy bu dey nu cawe! Sa wet weave dey nu wet fwuffy guuuuhuuuhuuuuuu WAI! WAI TAK FWUFFY IN’SI HUUUUUU NU WAN BE IN CAGSIE WAN BE IN OU’SI SABE PWACE HUUUU WAN GU BAK TU HEWD HUUUUUUU!”
Everything was as it should be but none of them jumped out at me. I scanned them all, looking at all the old fluffies pleading with me. Finally I saw my perfect fluffy. He was standing above a bowl of kibble and milk, his eyes closed and a big smile on his face as he chewed. He was OK with his current situation. Time to show him it couldn’t get better.
“Hey there, little guy!”, I said to the fluffy who looked days away from death but still had cute grey fluff
“Wa- oh hewwo nice mistah! Am ou hewe to adob a fwuffy!”
“Well, yes I am! What about you, tell me about yourself?”
“Teeheehee fwuffy am owd bu am stiww gud fwuffy! Can gib nice mistah bessess huggies an biggess heawt happiess!”
“Alright, wait right here! I’m going to talk to an employee to adopt you, cutie!”
“GASP… YAYYYYY BIGGESS HEAWT HAPPIESS YAYYYYY!”, it cheered, not daring to dance on its old legs.
I went to the checkout and grabbed one of the checkout ladies to unlock the cage for me. They were more than happy to do so asking about the last fluffy I adopted. I told her we had skettis and she died in my arms that night. I didn’t tell her about the hot peppers and poison I put in the skettis, grabbing and holding her so she wouldn’t run and die somewhere inconvenient in the house.
When we walked in the chatter was much louder. A lot of it was crying, some of it pleading, and one brown pillow foal in an out of sight cage cheered for its fellow fluffy.
“Nice mistah cum bak wit nummie wady! Nummie wady can oben cagsie, fwuffy gu home wit nyu daddeh! Hab wub gain!”
The woman grabbed a fold-out cardboard pet carrier and aggressive swung it at the cages, unfolding it in one fluid swing. All the fluffies in the direction of the swing screamed and tried to run to the back of their cages just to fear the dark more then the horror outside. She unlocked his cage, reached in, grabbed him and dropped him in the carrier, folding the top.
“YAAAYYY DOOW OBEN YAYYYY WUB UPSIES DANK OU FO ADOBSIES NYU DADDEH CAN NU WA- N-nu huuhuuu nu pu in smollew boxie nu wike huuuu nu nu NU HUUUHUUU NU WIKE DAWKIES HUUUU NE WEAVE FWUFFY IN SMOLL DAWKIE PWACE HUUUU!”
“Alright, here you are!”, she said handing it to me.
“Thank you, I’ll meet you at the checkout counter I have t-”
“Don’t worry about it! It’s a great thing you’re doing! Grab whatever you want its on the house and so is that little guy!”
I almost felt bad accepting but I, of course, did. It gave me the perfect opportunity to grab a ‘Poopie Pwug’ without being questioned. I waved to them as I walked out and put the carrier in the passenger seat. Once I got in the drivers seat I opened the carrier and grabbed the fluffy out, holding it over the box just in case.
“Huuuuuu w- BA UPS- DADDEH! Daddeh sabe fwuffy fwom boxie! Am su cited tu be bessess fwuffy fo daddeh! Gun hab biggess heawt happiess ebwyday, pwomise!”, He said, hugging me with what limited strength an old fluffy could have.
I noticed the smell of ‘scaredy poopies’ coming from the carrier so after he was done with hugs I placed in back in.
“Mmmmm wub daddeh am su wawmsie. Gib bessess peds an huggies. coooooo Su hap- D-daddeh nu pu fwuffy bak in boxie! Fw-fwuffy mak- fwuffy mak ba poopies in boxie huuuhuuuu am sowwy daddeh fwuffy nu mean tu! Su many scawies in box nu can hewp id huuuhuuu! Ba fwuffies gu in poopie boxie huuuu owd fwuffy desewbe tu be in poopie box huuuu sowwy daddeh!”
“It’s OK fluffy! I just have no where else safe to put you while I drive us home!”
“D-daddehs wap am gud pwace fo fwuffy! Nu fwuffy eba geds huwt wen dey wit daddeh!”
“No, if I got into an accident and the air bag went off… that would be an ordeal!”
“Daddeh am bessess dwivew huuuhuuu nu ged indo cwashies! Pwease daddeh fwuffy nu wan be in poopie boxie!”
“I’m not going to take you out! I know what is best for you. I know the poopies suck but you made them so you deal with it.”
“Huuuuuu otay daddeh. Nu wan mak angwy, jus gib biggess heawt happiess.”
He was quiet the rest of the way home and got very excited when we parked in front of my house. I got out and went around to grab him. He slowly walked his way to the right side of the box, trying to get closer to me so I would pick him up. I picked up the box, tossing the fold over lid in the back of my car, and the fluffys legs gave making him fall flat on some poopies.
“Huuuu daddeh tak fwuffy ou ob boxie! Pwease daddeh! Weggies hab wowstest ouchies nee huggies fo mak bedder! Huuuu weggies nu gib upsies huuu no mobe!”
“Let’s go inside first, OK? Then we get you cleaned up and you get to see your new saferoom!”
“Yayyyy! Otay, daddeh! Su cited fo homsie!”
I made it in and set him on the kitchen counter, pulling him out of the box as he cheered. I craddled him in my arms, careful to not get any shit on my clothes, and walked to the bathroom. I lied him on his back in the sink and got ready to turn on the faucet.
“Alright, little guy, this is water but it’s not b-”
“Teeheehee id am otay, daddeh! Am owd fwuffy, knu wawa am fo cweanies!”
I ran the faucet and began to scrub at his fluff. He cooed the whole time with his eyes closed and a big smile on his face. By the time I was done he fell asleep in the sink. I gently lifted him and dried him off, walking us back to the kitchen and put a pot of water on to boil. I kept him cradled in one arm while I worked and he kept sleeping. I grabbed the pasta and dumped the whole box into the boiling water, waking the fluffy.
“Yawn sniff MMMMM am daddeh makin skettis?!”
“A whole box and it is all for you!”
“YAYYYY Wub daddeh! Am bessess daddeh eba!”, He said slowly putting his front legs around me.
I wouldn’t be using the skettis as my tool of destruction this time. He would get them and he would enjoy them. It would be the only food he’d get. I boiled the sauce, drained the pasta, and plated it all up. The fluffy was still busy hugging me to notice that it was ready. I left the plate on the table and took us to my bedroom. The fluffy looked around when I opened the door in awe.
“Am fwuffys sabewoom daddehs sabewoom?! Fw-fwuffy sweep wit daddeh!?!”
“Sure, little guy!”, I said, swiping a small bottle a face lotion on my bedside table and sitting down on the bed.
He continued to hug me while he cheered. I was busy putting the lotion on the ‘Poopie Plug’. I positioned it below him while he smiled and squeezed me, his eyes closed in content happiness.
“Mmmm wub daddeh! Dank ou fo adobsies! Su many heawt happiess fo west ob bwite times! Nu wan wet daddeh gu! Wan gib be- SCREEEeeeee huuuuu wai poopie pwace hab huwties huuuhuuuu. Daddeh huuuu gib huggies huuhuu hab huwties huuuuu!”
“You look fine to me! Come on!”, I said setting him down, “Let’s go get those skettis!”
“GASP fwuffy forgo abou skettis! Su cited fo bessess nummies! D-daddeh? Wai weave fwuffy?”
“What?”, I said, looking back at him on the floor while walking out of the bedroom.
“Da-daddeh cawwy fwuffy? Weggies nu wike oosed tu be. Gib big owchies wen tu many walkies.”
“Well, maybe that means you need to use them more. You’ve been in that cage for a while you are probably sore!”
“A-am jus owd fwuffy, daddeh. Weggie ged owd tuu. Pwease cawwy fwuffy? Fwuffy am sowwy bu am tu owd fo aww da walkies.”
“No, now come!”, I said snapping my fingers and walking to the kitchen.
“Huuuuu nee be gud fwuffy fo daddeh. Nee du walkies tu be gud fwuffy huuhuuu. Pwease weggies, nu gib tu many huwties. Knu am owd fwuffy bu nu wan huwties. Nu du wunies jus walkies an den gud fwuffy ged skettis. Huuuhuuu pwease weggies nu hab mo huwties fwuffy wan be gud fwuffy fo bessess daddeh! Pwease weggies nu gib wowstest bak huwties huuuuu!”
He stumbled his way to the kitchen all by himself. He was shaking in pain by the time he got to me. When he got to my foot he sat down.
“Huff huff huuuuhuuuuu fwuffy am hewe daddeh. Can fwuffy hab huggies? Su many huwties huuu!”, I picked him up and gave him a quick hug before setting him back down with the skettis, “Yaayyy hab bessess daddeh! Fwuffy nu hab huwties nu mo! GASP Fwuffy forgo abou skettis, gain! Dank ou for skettis, daddeh! Am bessess nummies fo fwuffy!”
He sat in front of the plate, slowly lowering his head to the pasta and taking a noodle or two at a time. He would chew in slow-mo and would take his time with it. The whole time he was smiling, his eyes closed.
“Better than kibble and milk?”
“Kibbew an miwkies am otay bu skettis an daddeh am beddew! Su happi tu hab homsie nao!”
I watched him until he finished the skettis. It was slow and painful to watch compared to how younger fluffies just wolf it down. Once he finished he cleaned the fluff on his face and looked up at me.
“All donsies wit skettis daddeh! Dank ou, gain!”
Aww, no after skettis dance!”, I said reaching down and grabbing the plate.
“O-oh sowwy daddeh. Fw-fwuffy am owd nu can du dancies anymo. Fwuffy weawwy wub daddeh an dank ou su muchies fo skettis! Can gib bessess huggies an heawt happiess!”
“What would really give me heart happiess is if my pretty little fluffy would dance for me after his skettis!”
“O-otay, daddeh. Fwuffy wiww du bessess dancies! Wan gib daddeh biggess heawt happiess!”, he said beginning to bounce up and down very gently on his legs, “Fwuffy wub daddeh, an daddeh wub fwuffy, fwuffy wub skettis an da-”
“What is that? You call that dancing! Get up on your hind legs! Show me you love your new daddeh!”
“Huuu nu wan daddeh tu be angwy. Fwuffy onwy wan gib huggies an wub huuu. Fwuffy wub skettis daddeh huuuhuuu and fwuffy wub daddeh! Pwease daddeh! Fwuffy nu can du dancies! Weggies tu owd! Pwease wub fwuffy! Nu can du dancies huuuhuuuu!”
“I gotta see you dance. All fluffies who love their mummahs an daddehs do dancies when they get something like sketti. Apparently you don’t which makes you a…?”
“N-nu, daddeh! Pwease nu sa id huuuhuuu! Awways gud fwuffy! Wiww du dancies! Wiww du bessess dancies!”
He struggled to get on his hind legs and began stepping side to side, in horrible pain. He had his front hooves up and was looking at me, hoping I would pick him up and end his suffering with huggies. I ignored this request as I watched him move slower and slower until he fell face first into the ground.
“Huuuuu nu weggies! Nu gib wowstest huwties! Pwease wowk huuuhuuu nee du dancies fo daddeh huuuu! Fwuffy smeww pwace nu feew gud huuu! A-am gud fwuffy daddeh? Can hab upsies an huggies?”
“You didn’t dance long enough! You don’t love me even after I adopted you! I knew I shouldn’t have helped an old fluffy!”
“Huuuuhuuuuhuuuu nu sa dat daddeh huuuuu fwuffy wub ou wub ou su su muchies huuuuuu su many heawt happiess wen wit nyu daddeh huuuuu! Nu feew weggies huuuu weggies gu bye bye huuhuuuu! Nee du walkies nee du dancies huuu pwease mobe weggies mobe fo daddeh huuuu! Pwease weggies fwuffy nee wub huuhuuuuhuuuu!”
“Ugh, OK.”, I said picking him up.
“Da-daddeh wub fwuffy?”
“I’m just taking you to your saferoom.”
“Bu daddeh sa fwuffy gu sweepies wit ou. Fwuffy nu wan sweep awone. Wa if wast bwite time? Nu wan be in dawk aww awone. P-pwease daddeh, wub fwuffy?”
He wasn’t really crying anymore. He seemed tired and just wanting it all to be over so he could be happy again. Being in a cage might have sucked but at least he was around other fluffies and didn’t have to worry about someone lording over him. He wanted a daddeh but he couldn’t be a proper fluffy.
“Then you’ll be forever sleepies and it won’t matter. At least you’ll have room to run around and play!”
“Huuuu bu am tu owd tu pway! Jus wan wub an huggies! Jus wan gib wub an huggies! Daddeh pwease wet owd fwuffy sweep wit ou! Am scawed huuuhuuuu nu wan gu fo’eba sweepies awone huuuhuuuu!”
“You aren’t dying yet! Just suck it up and I’ll get you in the morning. Then I’ll give you all the love and hugs you could want!”
“Daddeh pwomise?”
“Daddeh promise.”
Before he could speak I set him down in a walk in closet and shut the door, turning off the lights.
“Huuuuu wai daddeh nu wub fwuffy? Wai pu an scawy dawk pwace huuuu am tu owd fo scawies huuuuu! N-nu huuu nu wan mak scawedy poopies huuu dey am ba poopies huuuhuuuu! P-pwease poopie pwace nu gib scawy po- huuuuu! Po-poopies nu cum ou’? Poopie pwace hab huwties huuuu wai poopies nu cum ou’ wai gib fwuffy huwties huuuu! Nu wan be ba fwuffy bu nu wan huwties mo huuuuuu poopies awways cum ou’ wai nu nao huuuuuu tummeh nu feew gud huuuuu! Scawy! Scawy! Daddeh sabe fwuffy huuuuuu fwuffy am scawed!”
I left him in there for the rest of the night.
“Sniffsniff huuuuu poopie pwace huwt huuuu wai bak weggies huwt mo den fwon weggies huuuhuuu! Nu wan ba huwties nu mo huuuu! Da-daddeh! Daddeh huuu fwuffy am su sowwy be ba fwuffy! Pwease gib huggies an wub! Nee wub huuuhuuuu su many scawies!”
He shuffled towards me, making it to my leg and pushing his head into my shin. I looked down at him as he sobbed, his stomach moving separately to his chest.
“Did you make poopies in here?”
“Nu daddeh huuuu wan mak scawedy poopies bu poopie pwace nu wet habben huuuhuuuu hab wostest poopie pwace huwties huuuu pwease hewp fwuffy!”
“Alright, good fluffy! Now keep being a good fluffy and follow me!”
“Bu… O-otay daddeh. Am gud fwuffy. Fowwow daddeh.”
I walked away to the kitchen and the fluffy slowly followed behind. With each step he would let out an ‘owie’ or ‘huuhuu’ as tears rained through his fluff. As he made his way to me I started a pot of boiling water, ready to make skettis again.
“Huuu daddeh pwease nu weave fwuffy huuu nu wan be awone! Tu many huwties huuu pwease walk wit fwuffy! Nee daddeh! D-daddeh! Fwuffy can see ou! Am awmos dewe huuuhuuu! Pwease gib bessess huggies wen fwuffy maks id huuuhuuuu! A-am daddeh makin… MO SKETTIS!”
“Haha, you caught me! Since the cats out of the bag I guess I should say they are all for you!”
“Fwuffy hab bessess daddeh! Gib fwuffy skettis ebwyday! Can hab huggies nao?”
“Hold on, little guy! This is dangerous hot water! I need to focus!”
“F-fwuffy unnersand. Dank ou fo mo skettis, daddeh.”
He lied down on the ground, his head low. I took the fork I was using to stir and put it in then took it out the boiling water. I then held it over the fluffy, letting the boiling water drip.
“Huuuu fwuffy wub homsie an daddeh. wan wub an hu- SCREeeeeeee huuhuuu buwnies huuuu buwnies! Daddeh fwuffy hab wowstest buwnies huuuhuuuu!”
“Oh.”, I said looking down at him the right back to the pot, “That sucks.”
“Huuuuuu pwease gib huggies daddeh huuuu nu wike huwties nee huggies tu mak ebwyting bedder huuhuu! P-pwease wook at fluffy huuu fwuffy hab heawt saddies huuuu tot homsie ment huggies an wub! Wai daddeh nu gib huggies an wub wike was bwite time huuuhuuuu! Wan gu fo’eba sweepies wit daddehs wub huuuu wan wub fwom daddeh!”, He said sobbing heavily.
“Well, you’ll die regardless. Wanna see if you can earn my love before that happens?”
“Huuuuuu bu am owd fwuffy. Nu can du muchies nu mo huuuhuuu onwy can gib huggies an wub. Fwuffy gib bessess huggies an wub fo daddeh! Fwuffy stowe sa nyu daddeh am bessess huuuhuuu sa gib wub an huggies tu aww owd fwuffies huuuuu sa ou gib bessess wub an huggies huuuuuu!”
“I do and that’s why you’re getting skettis!”, I said placing a plate full of pasta in front of him.
“Huuuu dank ou, daddeh. Wub sketti. Can fwuffy hab huggies tuu?”
“Only if you eat all those skettis!”
“Teeheehee!”, he said lightening up a bit, “Dat am easie daddeh!”
He slowly reached his head down and bit down on a few noodles and began to chew. They began to fall out of his mouth.
“Huuuuu tummeh hab huwties huuhuuu. Nee mak poopies huuu.”
“Well, the litterbox is in the saferoom!” I said, walking to the closet to get the lid of a shoe box to act as the little box.
“N-nu weave fwuffy gain daddeh huuuu! Nee gu poopies tu ba nu mak id tu wittabox! Weggies am tu owd huuuhuuu nu mak id tu witta box! Nu wan be ba fwuffy!”
He slowly, so fucking slowly, walked to the closet he believed was his very own safe room. He was a mess when he made it. His sobs were cut with gasps of pain and agony as he stumbled into the room.
“Huuuuuuuuu daddeh! Fwuffy mak id huuuuuu nee gu poopies su ba huuhuuuu!”, he shuffled to the shoe box lid and squatted on it, “Huuuuu fwuffy mak gud poo- SCReeeeeeeee huuuu su many huwties huuuuu wai poopie pwace nu wowkies huuuuuu! Am tu owd fo su many huwties id am tu muchies huuhuuu nu wan huwties huuuu daddeh pwease hewp fwuffy gu poopies!”
“Like you said you are old. You can do poopies yourself, you are a grown fluffy.”
“Huuuuu wai hab huwties huuu neba hab huwties befo huuuuu jus wan be happi jus wan be wubbed huuuuuu! Hab happiess wit nyu daddeh huuhuu whewe happiess guuuuuhuuuuhuuuuuu!”
He kept crying as he tried his best to make good poopies. The plug held firm and did it’s job which meant I wouldn’t be getting a refund.
“Don’t forget about your skettis!”
“Huuuhuuu nu can num anyting huuuu wan skettis su ba bu nu can num huuuu! Nee du poopies befo nummies huuuuu wai nu can du poopies huuuhuuu!”
“Pwease daddeh! Su many huwties huuu! Dink dis am id huuuu pwease gib huggies huuuuuu pwease daddeh huuuu am scawed huuuu!”
“And risk you pooping on my clothes? Haha, no thank you!”
“Huuuhuuuu su many heawt saddies huuuuhuuu su many saddies! Nu can du dis huuuuu wai poopie pwace meanie huuuhuuuu nu wan poopie fo’eba sweepies am wowstest way tu guuuuuhuuuuhuuuuuu nu wan nu wan huuhuu! Daddeh! Fwuffy scawed fwuffy am su scawed huuuhuuu pwease gib huggies pwease! Nee daddeh huggies fo wowstest scawies! Su many huwties!”
He continued to push, widening his hips slightly. His sobs forced him to push more whether or not he wanted to. He was on his side, heaving, in the shoe box trying to poop.
“Daddeh huuuuu da-ddeh pwease wub fwuffy huuuuuuuu. Id am su dawkies huuhuuu nu can see skettiwand huuuu. Pwease daddeh am su scawed huuhuuu dawkies am su scawy huuu dey am fo’eba dawkies huuuhuuu nu wan nu wan! Daddeh hewp fwuffy! Nu mo wight onwy dawkies su scawy huuu! DADDEH HUUU NEE HUGGIES HUUUU p-pwease daddeh! Pwease wub fwuffy!”
He finally lied still and I picked him up by the neck fluff. I walked out to the garage and threw him in the normal trash can because who can be bothered to actually go to a proper disposal facility. Thinking about going back for the poopie plug I decided it wasn’t worth the mess that was sure to be made. Wonder what the next old fluffy has for me!