Prologue
Phoenix sat in his bed, trying to come up with ways to outsmart his meanie daddeh. While brilliant by fluffy standards, Phoenix was far from being what humans would regard as intelligent, which made things more difficult. This was only made worse by the innate fluffy traits of weakness, slow speed, and bad eyesight.
He’d tried making a mess of the saferoom once, in an attempt to get his new owner to become angry enough to end the farce, but that plan had backfired hard. Rather than a beating, he’d been introduced to the world of text-to-speech and Supernatural fanfiction. He’d been told next time he acted up it’d be Twilight fanfiction instead, which after a brief explanation had been enough to keep him thoroughly well-behaved.
A multitude of plans came and went, all foiled by the reality that he was in a padded room he couldn’t escape from. He’d checked everything in the room for anything that we could use to either escape or end his misery, but the room was indeed entirely fluffy-proof. So for now, he bided his time and hoped for something to change.
…
Phoenix’s daddeh had guests over. This presented opportunities, if he could get any of the guests’ attention. Maybe one would be willing to help him out, if he acted convincing enough. Maybe if he embarrassed his daddeh enough in front of the guests he could get a more extreme reaction.
Phoenix began screaming and throwing a tantrum, demanding sketties. This usually infuriated humans, in his experience, and he’d seen many a fluffy abducted after making this demand, only to be returned to their alleyway with missing their limbs, fluff, eyes, or tongues. Hopefully this would be enough to get the guests to come to the saferoom.
“Zach, you got another fluffy?” One of the unfamiliar voices asked. “I don’t want to be nosey, but I fill a bit sorry for the little guys.”
“Don’t worry,” Phoenix’s daddeh responded. “This one’s different. I’m trying something new, actually taking care of him, you know? The same thing over and over was getting a bit dull.”
“I’m glad to hear that. We were beginning to think you had a bit of a problem.”
“Nah, I’m only addicted to my phone like a normal person. I’m gonna go let him out for a bit, since he seems to want attention. He’s normally very well behaved.”
Phoenix’s daddeh came into the saferoom, picked him up, and whispered softly to him. “I hope you like Wattpad, because you’re going to be listening to a lot of fanfiction in the future.”
He was carried into the living room, where several guests took notice of him. Before he could take advantage of the situation and try to find something dangerous to mess with, he was set down in a playpen. Still, it was worth a shot.
“Pwease,” he said, looking up at the guests. “Phoenix wan die. Kiww Phoenix pwease?”
“Umm…Zach. Why is he asking us to kill him?”
“He’s really smart for a fluffy and seems to enjoy dark humor. He’s been like that since I found him, actually.”
“Sure…”
“Look, if I was actually hurting him enough to be suicidal he’d just be saying ‘wan die’ over and over, that’s how fluffies work. He’s just super weird. You can take a look at him if you want.”
“Nu wisten tu daddeh. Phoenix weawwy wan die. Nu wan be fwuffy nu mowe.”
'He sounds genuine."
“Yeah, maybe he’s a little on the messed up side. It happens a lot with feral fluffies. I’m hoping that he gets better, but all I can really do for the time being is give him a good home. Look, I’ll ask him to prove it. Phoenix, have I hurt you?”
“Nu. Daddeh nu huwt Phoenix.”
“See? He’s using his name.”
“Zach, you’re taking this a bit too seriously. None of us really care that much.”
“Sorry, I just don’t want anyone getting the wrong idea. I meant it when I said I’m taking good care of him.”
Phoenix shivered a little in dread when he saw his daddeh’s expression.
Hours later…
Phoenix had never hated being a fluffy this much. If he only had working front limbs like a human he could block out the relentless words. If he’d only been born an animal the words would have no meaning to him. But he was stuck with the worst of both worlds.
His daddeh had carefully curated the fanfictions to ensure that only the worst dregs of the internet made it to the playlist. Phoenix had never heard of “Sonic the Spiky-Munstah” before, nor did he have any idea who Snape was, but that didn’t make hearing of their bedroom escapades together any less horrible.
He reached a new realization. His new daddeh was not to be trifled with.
19 Likes
Yes, comedy indeed. Next up? Vorgon poetry.
4 Likes
Oh nooooo. I’m amused and horrified.
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A Prickly Demeanor, Sonic/Snape, 108k words. Slow Burn, Meet Cute, Coffee Shop, Misunderstandings, The Hedgehog’s Dilemma, Smoking, Inadvisable Use Of Condiments, Drunken Shenanigans, Yaoi, Anal Sex, Skullfucking, Don’t Like Don’t Read Lol
3 Likes
Is this like the modern incantation to summon the devil?
Not yet… that’s in the tagwall for the noncanon drabbles and side scenes
2 Likes
I shouldn’t ask. But I am curious.
Alas, I’m too tired to pull that out of thin air too. Maybe I can horrify you tomorrow.
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I’m so looking and not looking forward to it.
Oh freddled gruntbuggly… 
Be strong phoenix you will die soon enough but not on your request 
vietnam flashbacks
2 Likes
That’s a…creative punishment for sure.
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Forcing the poor thing to listen to twilight fanfiction?
I like abuse man, but too far! Someone save the poor thing!