“Nuuu! Nu take bestest!”
“Stoopie mummah!” Bestest Babbeh stuck his tongue out at Mummah as Nyu Daddeh carried him to a nyu housie. Mummah burst into sobs. Just as Nyu Daddeh turned the corner from the alley, Mummah swatted all the not-bestest bwuddas and sissies that ran to give her huggies.
The whole way home, bestest explored the vroom vroom. “… An’ haf pwettiest speciaw fwiend, an’ babbehs, an’ be bestest smawty wiv bestest housie hewd….”
All Nyu Daddeh said was, “Uh-huh.”
The vroom-vroom stopped outside a pretty white house, just like bestest’s pretty fluff. Nyu Daddeh carried him inside.
“Miwkies!” bestest said inside the tidy housie. He stomped Nyu Daddeh’s fingers. “Gib now!”
But Nyu Daddeh took him to a little room with lots of daddeh toys. From a drawer, he took a flat stickie and some sketties. Bestest strained for the sketties.
Nyu Daddeh set the stickie on top of the sketties and pushed bestest against it. Bestest kicked his hand.
“Wet gu! ‘Ou am stoopie daddeh!”
Nyu Daddeh tucked the sketties into circles around bestest. They buzzed like buggies as he pulled them tight. Bestest coughed as the air got pushed out of him.
“Wet bestest gu! Nu am sketties!”
Nyu Daddeh only took him to another room. A grey-fluffed human mummah fatter than even a special baby sat on a funny white chair. She sighed at Nyu Daddeh.
“Thank heavens. I knew you’d find one.”
“Only the best for my mom.”
The mummah shook her head as she held out her front leggie. “Give it here. You don’t need to see this, honey.”
Bestest looked between them. “Wha—”
The mummah took the sketties stick. Bestest shrieked as she shifted on her seat. The stench of a million poopies rose from below, even as the mummah eased bestest between her massive cheeks.
“Babbeh bestest! Nu am poopie!” Bestest waved his leggies, but in an instant, all he knew ended.
Though his life was short, he would never be not-poopie again.
Author’s note: I have no regrets.
They make a sound a little like a zipper when you tighten them.