“Hi, welcome to Fluffmart, where every baby is the bestest baby.” The woman at the counter had clearly said this so many times it had driven all joy from her. Understandable. She sits here listening to babbling fluffies all day.
“Yes, I’m interested in purchasing a fluffy. I’m looking for one who’s active and rambunctious, but not a smarty.” She nodded. Pretty standard request. “Come with me.” She said. “They’re in the back. There’s an observation window so you can see them without them knowing you’re watching. Keeps 'em from acting up.” Good. You’d had quite enough of fluffies begging for love. You didn’t have any.
The playroom is abuzz with fluffies. Strangely so. “Is it supposed to he this crowded?” She shakes her head. “No, but we can’t get rid of them outside of specific situations. We don’t euthanize here, so we wind up doing discounts on people who take extra fluffies.” Your ears perked up, but you tried not to let on. You just stood and watched.
You had your eye on a Green Quickhorn stallion who was zooming around the playroom faster than anyone else. “Heehee ou nebba catch fwaffy!” He was taunting two earthies who were struggling to keep up. “Nu faiw…nu…nu wun su fast…come backsies fow sowwy hoofies…dummeh…”
“Nu! Ou am meanie! Fwuffy weawn hao make best wunnies su meanie fwuffies nu can catch! Nu can huwt!” Ah. So he’s fleeing his bullies. He’s gotten so fast he can taunt them. Perfect.
“I want the green one and his two friends.” I point to the tired and angry earthies. “Oh they aren’t-” She stops when she sees the look in my eye. “Oh. I suppose that’s the point. Meet me up front.”
I stand by the register and a few minutes later she walks up with three different pet carriers on a cart. “Here they are, ready to go. We offer complimentary pillowing and castration, are you interested?”
You shift the carriers so the fluffies can all see each other AND you. “Hello fluffies, I’m going to be your new daddeh.” All three began jumping for joy, which resulted in a lot of “owwies” and cries of “meanie boxie nu wet fwuffy make jumpies.” The big earthy speaks up. “Am nyu daddeh bwinging dummeh wingy fwuffy tu? Nu shud, am dummeh.” The pegasus piped up. "Nu am dummeh! Am fastes fwuffy ebba!"
“Alright guys, listen. My apartment won’t let me have three fluffies unless at least one has no legs, so one of you is gonna have to be a no leggie pillow fluffy.” They recoiled in horror and the smaller earthy spoke up. “Wai? Nu wan be dummeh nu weggie fwuffy…” The others were nodding in agreement, their beef seemingly squashed.
“Well there’s only one fair way to decide. You guys should pick who it is.” This immediately kicked off a shouting match that you allowed to go on for a minute. Once they’d stopped using sentences you interrupted.
“How’s this: You guys vote. You each tell daddeh who should lose their leggies, and whoever gets the most votes will be a pillow.” The Earthies both excitedly nodded, and the Pegasus starts jumping. “Pick fwuffy, daddeh! Fwuffy wan vote!” You smile. “Okay little buddy, who should lose their legs?” He points to the big earthie. “Dat fwuffy! Am tu big fow make gud wunnies aweady, nu need gud weggies.” You nod.
“Okay, next?” You turn to the smaller earthie and point. “Dummeh wingie fwuffy.” You turn to the big one. You don’t even have to speak. “Mmhmm. Dummeh wingie fwuffy. Big fwuffies wan keep weggies, nu huwt.” You clapped your hands. “Well it’s settled, pillow the green one.”
The pegaus is having trouble. Everything happened so fast! Now he’s getting picked up! “Nuuuu! Nu huwt fwuffy! Pwease nu take way weggies! Fwuffy wub make gud wunnies mow den anyfing! Nu wan be piwwow!” The earthies were laughing. “Shaddup dummeh, ou wost game. Teww weggies goobai!”
“Das wite!” Chimed the smaller of the two. “Ou awways fink ou bettew cuz wunnies! Nao hu bettew? Nu am ou nu mowe!” The Pegasus was kicking his feet trying to avoid the machine. “Nuuuu! Pwease! Nu huwt! Nu wan scawy daddeh! Wan weggies instead! Nuuuuu!” It’s no use. He’s placed in the immobilizer and the blade is locked in position. He looks at you pleadingly. "Peeze nyu daddeh, nu du dis! Fwuffy nu wan be piwwow! Onwy wan wun an pway an gib huggies! Huuuuu nu take weggies 'way! Nu wan! Nu wike dis game!" You pat him softly on the head. “Sorry buddy, but the vote already happened. Don’t worry, I’m sure your new brothers will help you get around, right guys?” You turn and smile at the earthies. "Ob cowse daddeh, fwuffies awway wub hewp dummeh nu weggie fwuffy!" The pegasus was sobbing now.
“Bu’ daddeh! Fwuffy wowk su hawd fow be gud at wunnies! Udda fwuffies nu eben wike wunnies! Onwy wike sit an watch teebee!” Adorable. He thinks you care. “Well hey, you guys can do that together since you won’t be running anymore.” He started sobbing another retort, but you cut him off by pulling the lever.
SHUNK
“Nuuuuuuu! Weggies! Cum back weggies! Fwuffy stiww need ou! Nu weabe fwuffy awone wif meanie fwuffies! Huuuuhuhuhuhuhuuu…” She lifted him out by his neck scruff and dropped him into his carrier. She closed it and you paid. The pegasus was sobbing while the other two babbled back and forth about toys and teebee.
The car ride was hilarious. You put the pegasus between the other two and even though they were still in boxes, the two leggy fluffies were tormenting him. “Ou not su fast nu mowe!” "Das wite! Nao hu am swow dummeh hu nu can wun? Nu am fwuffy!"
In the middle he just wept. Occasionally interrupting with “Weggies…” You arrived home and brought them into the playroom you had set up. It was, of course, sports themed. There were so many different surfaces for running on, all the toys were active toys that encouraged exercise, and there were even lights in the floor that the fluffies could “chase” after, so to speak. The earthies were awestruck and began waddling around clumsily. They really were slow. “Okay, it’s time for names.” You announced, holding the weeping pillow in your arms. “Big guy, you’re gonna be Racer. Little fella, you’ll be Speedy.” They both started jumping for joy. “Wub nyu namesies! Fankyu daddeh! Wacew suuuu happy!” The smaller one chirped up. "Hooway! Am Speedy! Wub name! Am su fastes name ebba!"
You looked down at the depressed wingy fluff in your arms. “I don’t know what to call you. You were really fast when you had legs, so I’m kind of frustrated you didn’t convince one of the real fluffies to take your place. Oh well, guess I’ll call you Stumpy.” Before he could respond to any of the meanie things you said, or even to ask for a different name, you were setting him down.
“Okay since you guys have legs, make sure Stumpy can get nummies and water, and only go poopies in the litterbox. Stumpy,” you turned sternly to him “I’m gonna hold you responsible for the litterbox since that’s where you’ll sleep. Make sure nobody does bad poopies or I’ll have to punish you.”
“Bu…bu nu hab weggies! Nu can moove! Can…can onwy kinda wiggwe wittwe bit!” He demonstrated by squirming. Man, they went all the way to the joint. Kid barely even has stumps. “That sounds like excuses. Good fluffies don’t make excuses, they find a way to get the job done. Don’t disappoint me.” With that, you turned to go. As you walked down the hall, you could hear them still.
“Huuuuuuu miss weggies…” “Shaddup! Am dummeh piwwow nao. Onwy gud fow wicky cweanies.”
“Nuuuuuuuuu…”
It was gonna be a good night.