The 26th of December. The day when angry or regretful parents return their children’s gifts. As they are considered toys, many fluffies end up as gifts only to be spirited away to the pet store the very next day. I happen to work at a FluffMart and am one of the few employees with a dark enough heart to handle the fabled Return Day.
I opened the store and stood behind the counter, my heart racing at the thought of all the fluffies given a home and promised love brought back to us. A customer walked in holding a shaking fluffy against her chest. I could hear it whimpering as she got closer to the counter.
“Hi, ahem I… needtoreturnthisfluffy.”, she spoke softly.
“BIGGESS HEAWT HUWTIES! HUUHUUUUHUUUUU!”, the fluffy shouted, it’s head popping up for dramatic effect.
The woman holding it shed a few tears without breaking eye contact with the shelf behind me.
“Of course. Do you have proof of purchase?”, I asked, kindly.
“NU! huff NU! huff NU! huff NUUUHUUUHUUUUU!”, the fluffy cried as she handed the receipt to me and I grabbed it.
I scanned the receipt and the till popped open. She quietly spoke to the bawling fluffy, apologizing to it and saying it’ll find a good home. It won’t, but that’s not important til we close. She kissed it and set it down before quickly walking out of the store.
“M-ma’am! Your $5.59!”, I called after her, not wanting her to be without her refund.
“NUUUUUUU! SCREEEEEEEE! MUMMAH! MUMMAH PWEASE! WUB ‘OU! WUB ‘OU MO’ DEN ANYTING! NU WEAVE FWUFFY! WAN MUMMAH! HUGGIES PWEAHEHEHEHEASE! WAAAAAHHHH!”, it immediately started to whine as she let go of it.
She was gone and the fluffy showed no signs of calming down. I let it cry it’s little heart out for about 5 minutes until I saw the parking lot begin to fill. It was still going full force on the ‘wan mummah’ and ‘fwuffy neba wub eva ‘gain’. I decided it was time.
“Let’s go ya big baby!”, I said, cradling it in my arms and carrying it to the back of the shop.
“NUUUU! SCREEEE! ONWY MUMMAH CAN HOWD FWUFFY! NU AWWOWED! FWUFFY NU WAN! MUMMAH! SABE FWUFFY! NU WET BA’ MISTAH TAKE FWUFFY ‘WAYSIES!”
We got to the back and were alone. I cut off his screaming with some of my own.
“HEY! QUIT IT! HEARING DOES NOT COME BACK, IT DEGRADES OVER TIME!”
The fluffy was still with a look of shock on his face. After a few seconds he lifted his front hooves up to his face and sobbed.
“sniff A-am sowwy. Sweaw am gud fwuffy. Nu mean tu be hawd tu take cawe ob. Nu eben knu wa’ munnies is. Jus’ knu wub a-sniffan huggies. Huuuu. Nu wan be bak hewe. Wan be wit’ mummah. Wub mo’ den anyting eba.”
“She didn’t realize you were crazy expensive to take care of? Really?”
“Y-sniffyis. N-nu wan cowst wots ob munnies. Jus’ wan hab huggies an wub. Wai am fwuffy su muchies huuhuuuu!”
“That’s wild!”, I said, lowering the whimpering fluffy into a cage and locking it inside.
“N-nu wike. Wan be homsie. Wan mummah. Huuhuuuuhuuuu!”
I returned to the counter and saw an upset looking gentleman holding a flailing fluffy. He was still walking the parking lot but I could clearly see the fluffy screaming and moving its entire body to be set free. I thought about how stupid I am for not buying earplugs as they walked in.
“NU GIB SMAWTIE BAK TU STOWE! FWUFFY AM GUN HAB HOMSIE AND WUB AN HOOMAN GUN WIKE IT! TAKE FWUFFY BAK HOMSIE WITE NAO AN GIB SKETTIES FO SOWWIES! AM BESSES SMAWTIE! NU NEE STUPI’ HOOMANS WULES!”
“HI! I would love to return this fluffy, please!”, the man said, clearly very upset but in good spirit.
“Absolutely! I just need to see proof of purchase.
“Stay right there, little fluffy!”, the man spoke through his teeth as he set the fluffy on the counter to grab his receipt.
“Wiww stay whewe smawtie wan! Aww wand am smawtie wand!”
He handed the receipt to me and as I reached for it the self proclaimed, smarty, lunged and grabbed the receipt in it’s mouth. I wanted so badly to jam my fingers in its mouth and rip it out but we have policy’s against that sort of thing. The man looked so angry I thought he might kill the thing right in front of me. The fluffy made a dramatic gulp to signify it was gone.
“Pwoof ob puwchase am nao gun be poopies! NAO TAK SMAWTIE HOMSIE AN MAKE BESSESS SOWWY SKETTIE!”
The man just looked at the fluffy. It had it’s cheeks puffed out and its tail straight up. I saw a look of defeat in his eyes and he just walked out of the store.
“S-sir! Do you want your fluffy?”, I called out to no response.
“Yis! Daddeh du wan smawtie! Cum bak an take smawtie homsie! Nu weave at dummeh fwuffy stowe! Am bessess smawtie! Desewb bessess homsie an toysies!”
“Alright you… creature. Time to set you up pretty.”, I said, picking the smarty up.
“Bes’ set up weawwy pwetty! If smawtie can nu hab daddeh den hab to hab bessess fwuffy stowe! Wet fwuffy downsies! Wan pick bessess mawe fo’ speshuw huggies!”
“Yessir, master smarty!”, I said, setting it in a cage in the back.
“Hmph! Das wite! Wa? D-dummeh hooman! Nu can spwowe in cagsies! How am spose tu fin’ bessess mawe?”, it seemed genuinely confused.
“You didn’t actually think… HAHAHAHAHA!”
“N-nu waugh at smawtie! Am bessess eba! Nao hooman am gun wet smawtie owtsies and gib sowwy sketties WITE NAO!”
“Nah, bruh! Hahahaha!”, I said walking out.
“sniff Nu wan be in sowwy woom wit meanie fwuffy.”, I heard the first fluffy squeak out as I left.
A customer holding a peeping and chirping baby were already at the counter. I quickly rushed up, excited to see another fluffy destroyed.
“And how can I help you today!”
“I want to exchange this fluffy.”
“PEEP PEEP CHIRP NU! NU GIB BABBEH BAKSIES! AM SOWWY BABBEH! WAN WUB! WAN HUGGIES!”
“I see, and do you have proof of purchase?”, I asked a little too cheerfully.
“Right here.” the customer said, moving the baby fluffy to her left hand as she fumbled in her purse.
“PEEEEP SCAWY! WAN DOWNSIES! NEE HUGGIES FO SCAWIES! WAI NU WUB! BABBEH MAK BIGGESS SOWWIES EBA! PWEASE WUB ‘GAIN!”
“I don’t have time to litter train you. It’s not your fault it’s mine.”, she said to the fluffy, shortly.
The baby whined as I took the receipt and scanned it. The till popped open and I shut it back.
“The fluffy was $29.99. Grab any fluffy of equal or lesser value and you’re all set!”
“Great! Where are the litter trained ones?”
“That corner. Look for the pens with ‘I make good poopies’ stickers on them.”
“Perfect! Thanks!”, she said, quickly handing the fluffy to me and walking to the good poopie fluffies.
“NUU-PEEP CHIRP PEEP PEEP CHIRP CHIRP! CAN MAK GUD POOPIES! BABBEH PWOMISE! MAK BESSESS POOPIES EBA! CAN DU BESSESS WEARNIES EBA! JUS WAN WUB FWOM ‘OU!”
“Come on, little guy. Let’s put you away.”
“N-N-NUUU! BABBEH NU WAN GU ‘WAY! WAN GU WIT MUMMAH HUUU! M-MUMMAH! PWEASE WUB ‘GAIN! BIGGESS SOWWIES EBA! WIWW NEBA MAK BA POOPIES EBA! BABBEH STIWW WEARNIN’! NU MAK BABBEH GU ‘WAY MUMMAH! WUB BABBEH! BABBEH WUB ‘OU!”
We reached the back and I dropped it in a cage, quickly making my exit.
“An smawtie wan bwockies! An TeeBee! An-”
“Fwuffy cowd. Wan mummahs wawm huggies. Wan hab cuddews an towd stowies. sniff Dat wuz bessess bwite time eba sniff.”
“BABBEH SCAWED! NUUHUUU-PEEPCHIRP! MUMMAH! SABE BABBEH!”
The crowd had died down and the day was almost at an end. I held back my tears as I went to flip the open sign to closed when a man holding a wailing fluffy began rushing up the parking lot. I excitedly skipped back to my counter and waited. He was booking it and the fluffys head was flailing all around as it seemed to be loosing its mind. He slowed to a walk as he opened the door.
“DADDEH NUUUUU! WUB DADDEH! NU GIB ‘WAY! WUB HOMSIE! WUB DADDEH! FWUFFY NEE ‘OU! SCREEEE! WAAAAHHHHAHHHAHHHHAAHHHH! NUUUHUUUUHUUUU! AM GUN GU BAK IN SOWWY CAGSIES! WHY ADOBD FWUFFY IF JUS GUN GIB BAKSIES! WAI WUB! HUUHUUUU FWUFFY WUB ‘OU SU MUCHIES DADDEH! NU TINK CAN WIVE WITOU’!”
“Hey! I need to return this fluffy!”, he said, out of breath but seemed cheerful enough.
“Sure thing. Ya got proof of purchase?”
“NUUU! DADDEH NU HAB NUTIN! WAN TAK FWUFFY BAK HOMSIE! WAN GIB WUB AN HUGGIES! DIS AM BA’ DWEAM! WOWSTESS DWEAM EBA HUUHUUU!”
“There ya are!”, he said, handing me the receipt and setting the fluffy on the counter.
The fluffy went full meltdown mode and instantly passed out as it touched the counter.
“Thank goodness, haha!”, I said, handing the $2.49 refund to the man.
“Tell me about it! Damn near needed a crowbar to get it off my leg from the moment I adopted it!”, he laughed as he left.
Fulfilled that I had brought a customer joy, I closed the shop and took the napping fluffy to the back. Now it was time to enact Operation: Return Day Close. We had named it after the name of the close list for the store on Return Day. It was made only to add one item to the end of the closing list for FluffMart.
#2: Dispose Of Returns
All returns are marked as used. Items and fluffies get marked down in price. People see this and see it as something being wrong. That fluffy must be a smarty or that sorry box must not make fluffies sorry. Something must be wrong so people avoid it. Sometimes they sell but it takes longer. We get so many returns on December 26th that it isn’t worth reselling any of it. It would be too expensive to take care of the fluffies and FluffMart in my county doesn’t allow fluffies to be sold as abuse toys.
I didn’t bother caging the passed out fluffball. I put him in the incinerator and warmed it up. The incinerator was made for accidental, natural, or purposeful fluffy deaths in the store. The manager refuses to pay for biowaste pickup and opted to buy an incinerator from an updated FluffMart. The smarty was still making demands and the other two fluffies were in their own hell. The napping fluffy woke as a green light blinked. I held my finger to the worstest burnie hurties button and watched the fluffy wake up.
“W-wa? Wa habben? N-nu smeww pwetty. W-whewe daddeh? W-whewe am daddeh! N-NU! BA DWEAM HUUHUUU! NU AM WEAL! DADDEH! GIB FWUFFY WAKIES! NU WIKE! HEWP DADDEH! WHEWE AM FWUFFY! FIN’ FWUFFY DADDEH! NEE BIGGESS HEWPSIES EBA!”
“He didn’t want you, remember? And if he cant have you then…”, I pushed the button.
“SCREEEEE! SCREEEEE! NEE HEWPSIES! DADDEH NU! HEWP NAO! BIGGESS BUWNIES HURTIES EBA! OWWIE OWWIE! NU WIKE NU WIKE! WAI! HUUUHUUU WAI! NU WAN! SABE FWUFFY! SCREEEEEE! WAAAAHHHHH! MISS DADDEH! WAI NU SABE!”
It stopped speaking and began that screaming thing that injured fluffies make when we put them in the burnie hurtie place. The other fluffies in the room didn’t react much. The victims voice would always be muffled behind the thick door and the smartys demands were very noisy. As I watched the fluffy cook into nothing the smarty kept asking for things. It only wanted. Such a horrible fluffy.
“Den ‘ou gun gib huggies an biggess sweepie pwace! Smawty wan sketties wen smawty say! Nao gib ske- Wa? D-das wite! Nao gib tu mawes! Wan gud feews befo’ ske- h-h-HAWT! SCREEEE! DUMMEEEEEHHHHHHH! SCREEEEEE! WET SMAWTY OWT WITE NAO! SCREEEEEE WOWSTEST BUWNIES! DUMMEH HUUUUHUUUUHUUUUUMAN! NU GIB BUWNIES TU SMAWTY! SCREEEEEE! WET OWT! GUN GIB SMAWTY FO’EBA SWEEPIES! NUUUUUUUU! A-AM SCAWED! SMAWTIE SCAWED! WET OWT! NU GIB MO’ SCAWIES! W-WAI NU WET OWT? AM BESSESS SMAWTY! WISTEN TU SMAWTY! WET OWT! NUUUHUUUUHUUUU! SCREEEEEEEEE!”
The other fluffies have now become aware of what was happening. They knew that they were next. The baby was just crying as it didn’t know what else to do. The other fluffy was whimpering for its mom to come back and save it.
“P-pwease mummah. N-nu nee muchies. J-jus miwkies a-an kibbew. N-nu nee fwuffy doctow. Nu nee sketties. Jus nee ‘ouw wub. J-jus nee mummahs huggies. M-munnies nu mattew. O-only wub. Pw-gasp NU! SCREEEE! NU WAN BE NEXTIES! NEE MO’ TIMSIES! MUMMAH AM CUMMIN! GUN SABE FWUFFY! NU WAN BUWNIE HUWTIES! AM GUIN HOMSIE SOON AN HAB WUB FO’EBA! NU TAK DAT ‘WAY FWOM FWUFFY! NU WAN FO’EBA SWEEPIES! GIB MORE TIMSIES!
“I would just for the laughs but I got a Quest 3 for Christmas and I really want to play with it.”
“sniff Fwuffy get mummah fo cwismas…”
I tossed the fluffy in the incinerator and shut the door.
“NUUUUUU! SCREEEEEEE! WOWSTEST TING FO’ FWUFFY EBA! OWWIES OWWIES! WOWSTEST BUWNIE HUWTIES! AM FO’ WUB AN HUGGIES! SCREEEEE! WAI AM FUWFFY FO HURTIES? WAI FO BIGGESS SADIES EBA? OWWIE OWWIE! NUUHUUHUUUU! FO’EBA SWEEPIES AM SCAWY! WAN BE WIT MUMMAH! WAI MUMMAH NU SABE HUUUHUUUU! DU MUMMAH WEAWWY NU WUB FWUFFY? WAI WET HAB BUWNIE FO’EBA SWEEPIES? WOWSTEST FO’EBA SWEEPIES EBA! WAN WUB AN HUGGIES!”
It finally cooked into molten hot dust. I looked down at the baby fluffy.
“WAAAAHHAHAAAAAHHHAAAAHHHHHHH! WAN MUMMAH! NEBA MAK BA’ POOPIES ‘GAIN! AM SOWWY FO BE STUPI’ BABBEH! BABBEH WIWW DU BESSESS WEARNIES TU MAK THE BESSESS POOPIES EBA! WAN MAK MUMMAH SU PWOUD! WAN GWOW UP WIT MUMMAH! WAN MUMMAH TU TEACH BABBEH ‘BOU EBEWYTING! WAN BE WIT FAMIWY!”
“Save the best for last, that’s what I always say! Well, not really but… Whatever. This is gonna be cool, that’s what I’m trying to say.”, I said, picking the baby up and tossing it into the inferno with no fanfare.
“SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! OWWIESS OWWIES EBA! NU WIKE! SABE BABBEH! MUMMAH! SCREEEEE! MUMMAH HATE BABBEH SU MUCHIES DAT GIB BABBEH BUWNIE FO’EBA SWEEPIES! BIGGESS HEAWT SADDIES! BIGGESS OWWIES! BABBEH SU HUWTIE! AM JUS’ WITTLE BABBEH! WAI GIB WOSTEST BUWNIES TU BABBEH! MUMMAH! NU WET HABBEN! SABE BABBEH! BABBEH TUU SCAWED! WAAAAHHHHHH!”
The final curtain of the day closed and I put a large check mark next to objective number two of the Return Day Close. I shut down the incinerator and pulled out the ash catch, dumping todays remains into the trash. When I got home I would reset my novelty fluffy event calendar. 364 days and counting until next return day.
Hope you had a happy holiday and a great new year!