This a rebooted and completed first part of a story which was originally cut short due to sickness, I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it
And thank you to Mr.Owl for helping in delisting the old story
Your name is Kyle, and you love to cook. Your late great grandmother recently bequeathed some old recipe books from the depression era. There’s a few recipes which look quite delicious, a few which make you giggle, but there is one that catches your eye. It’s a step by step process on how to properly roast and/or stew, raccoons. You think this is by far, the most oddest one in here, but you can’t help but wonder “is it worth it, how good would it actually taste?‘’ and decide to give it a go. You know that there aren’t any racoons where you live or in the nearby woods, but you know of something similar. Those neon coloured shitrats known as fluffies, that infest the alleyways of your city. They’re similar in size and eat trash all day, so decide to give it a try. You first do a bit of research on how to trap these dwarf rave ponies and learn that they’re dumber than you first thought, promise them a good home and “sketties” and the shit munchers will follow you anywhere.
You first prep two large storage tubs lining them with newspapers, and place them in the backseat of your car, knowing that these fucks can spray liquid shit when they feel in danger. Second thing you need is the “sketties” for persuasion, which you quickly produce by mixing cooked instant noodles with tomato paste. You put on some clothes you’re willing to toss, and head on out to find some fluffies, which is easier said than done.
After an hour, only stopping to grab ingredients you may need, a few fluffy disease kits, some cheap basic supplies for fluffies, and some supplies for cleaning and de-furring them. You finally spot something that looks like a sickly bright pink you see on those idiotic child pageant shows and pull over, seeming to spook the little horse thing. As you step out of your car, you can hear the fluffy "huuhuu"ing to itself, trying to hide its face with its hooves. Its bright pink fur, vomit green mane, and wings, burns your eyes. Rolling them, and putting on a fake smile. Saying in your best customer service voice,
“Hey there, you adorable lil fluffy, how would you like to come home with me?” Trying not to gag as the smell hits your nose, they really do live up to the name shitrat.
“Fwuffy get wawm housies an toyies?” It says, shaking, slowly uncovering its face.
“And plenty of sketties.”
“YAY, NYU DADDEH!” it yells, instantly perking up.
You cringe the second it says that, but knowing you got your hooks in, and ask the magic question.
“Do you have a herd?”
“Yuppies, fwuffy has gwandpa an specwal fwend wit fwist tim tummy babbehs!” It says, trotting in place excitedly.
“Can you show me where they are?” You say between gritted teeth, this is too easy.
“Dis way nyu daddeh, day just awound da cowner”
It begins skipping towards the nearest alley. You grab the container of ‘sketties’, and start following it, your definitely going to do this again if the recipe works out. You reach the alley, you see some garbage bags, a few trash cans, and a pile of boxes. The pink fuck heads towards to the boxes, as you get closer you can hear something, you think it’s singing, albeit tone-deaf. You see a large fuzzy blue pillow in one of the boxes.
“HEWWO SPECWAL FWEND!” The fluffy yelled, walking over to the pillow, which in turn started to stir.
“Hewwo, tummy babbehs am happi u bak” The blue ‘pillow’ says, moving it’s head towards you and the pink stallion.
Realizing that was a fluffy shocks you, stifling a gasp, damn that bitch is huge, you think. Something shifts behind you.
“DUMMEH, U BWUOHT HUMON TO NESTIES?!” something yells behind you. Turning around, you’re greeted by another fluffy, this time it’s a pale purple unicorn. It has quite a few scars, and is missing an eye. It waddles over to the pink Pegasus, and gives what can be assumed to be a slap across it’s muzzle. You stare in awe of what’s unfolding in front of you.
The pink cunt falls to the ground, holding its muzzle, “huuhuu, y gwandpa huwt fwuffy?” it whines.
“DUMMEH, IT TOO LATE, dummeh fwuffy already bwought homon, take sowwy hooves before homon kwills us.” The unicorn begins pitifully bashing it’s hooves into the side of the pegasi.
The blue mare starts crying quietly, and the pink guy starts loudly “huuhuu”ing, you need to stop that purple fucker before it does damage to the young stallion, “hey hey hey, I’m not here to hurt you”, you grab the unicorn by its scruff.
“BAD UPPIES!!!” It cries out, you set it down gently, knowing their bones can shatter too easily.
“I’m here to take you home, look, I even have ‘sketties’” quickly pulling out the container, you knew this would come in handy.
The elder is pissed, but perks up as soon as you mention ‘sketties’, both the mare and stallion also perk up upon you opening the tupperware. The unicorn starts shifting side to side, it’s unsure of you now, though, it starts looking at the beaten stallion apologetically. You need to figure out how to sway this older fluff to come with you, luckily, you have the winged pony to help you convince him.
“S-See g-g-gwandpa, nyu daddeh n-not bad, hewe to take to wawm housie an gwive toys, AN SKETTIE!” The pink vomit yelled that last part, standing up, but it seemed to have worked.
The elderly purple unicorn’s head drops, its eyes start to well up, and mumbles, “otay, fwuffy am sowwy for sowwy hoovies. Fwuffy wan huggies? Huggies help heawt huwties.” It sat up, stretching its limbs out, in which the younger pink and green small horse embraced the older.
“FWUFFY WAN HUGGIES TOO!!!” The large blue mare yells, startling you.
You had completely forgotten about the blue pregnant mare in the box, both stallions trot over to her, embracing in a fluffy pile of hugs and cooing. As much as this would melt anyone’s heart, you have a recipe to make, and you hit the jackpot. As the recipe for raccoons stated, ‘Young ones are suitable for roasting whole; older raccoons are better braised and stewed.’ So you have a chance to try both, you can tell your mouth is watering already at the thought of trying both right away, patience. All you need to do is to get them home, keep them a few days to ensure they aren’t sick or have parasites, then cook the bastards.
“Alright you fluffies,” you pickup the mare from the box, who giggles and coos, “shall we be going home now?”
You lead the other two fluffies to your car, and load them up into the tubs, putting the males into one, and the female into the other, you can tell she’s about to pop at any time. The younger pairing are whining about “sowwy box” and “scawy mewal vroomy munsta” with the senior, seeming mildly stressed, saying words of comfort, reminding them to be “gud fwuffies for nyu daddeh.” and “thwink of wawm housies for soon babbehs.”, which seems to help calm them down. You start the car, turn on the radio to drown out their annoying babble, and start heading home.
This story is based on an actual recipe I have, let me know if you want to try irl (actually recipe can be substituted with chicken)
Edit: second part won’t be coming out till November, I have a friend who’s hunting me a fresh rabbit so I can try the recipe, which I will use to make the second part better (
