Shane dropped yet another smarty into the chicken wire fence he had made in the shed out back. This one was bright yellow and had quite a mouth. Shane had returned home mid-afternoon with three smarties and was ready to try again. Pistol had been removed from the room with foals and Sally, as he had learned was her name from watching the crude baby monitor, and was presently in an old blue plastic storage tote on the ground next to the shed. Having had time to think on his drive to the city and back, Shane had decided on a different strategy this time.
“Hey buddy” Shane said warmly after taking a knee next to the tote, “I’ve got a problem and I think you might be able to help me. There’s a nasty smarty inside the shed, and I need him to be a nice fluffy. Can you help him be good?”
“Why shud Pistow hewp angwy daddeh?” Pistol said guardedly.
“Because it would make me very ric-er-happy if you did?” Shane floated a desperately weak offer.
“Pistow nu wan hewp meanie angwy daddeh, Pistow wan yu bwing famwy back tu Dave Daddeh.” Pistol counter-offered.
“Yeah, that’s not happening. How about this, you do what I say or I beat you to death with this stick.” Is what Shane would have liked to have said and done, but since he couldn’t risk damaging his product, as he was now thinking of Pistol as, he had to go with plan b.
“I thought you might say something like that, so how about this,” Shane said, holding out one of Pistol’s foals, the green earth colt with the yellow tail. “Do what I say, or I hurt your kid here.”
Pistol’s eyes grew wide- he had been expecting Shane to threaten him directly, and he was ready for it, but this was something Pistol had not considered. “Nu! Dat jus widdwe babbeh, nu gib babbeh hewties! Pistow twy hewp smawty!”
With that, Shane slipped the foal into his coat pocket and moved the now compliant Pistol into the shed, placing him down gently next to the smarty’s chicken wire cage.
Pistol hadn’t even opened his mouth before the smarty shouted “Dummeh hooman! Smawty say Smawty wan enfie mawe, nu wan dummy stawwion!” At which point the smarty tried to turn around to give both Shane and Pistol sorry poopies, but the cage was too narrow. “Stuppi see-fwooo waww! Wet Smawty gib sowwy poopies an wowstest hoofie owwies tu dummies!”
Pistol suddenly shouted over the smarty as it paused to breath, “Wisten tu Pistow! Why am yu smawty?”
The smarty looked shocked that Pistol had dared speak to him, and shouted back “Smawty am Smawty 'cause Smawty am bestest fwuffy ebah! Nao gu fin enfie mawe fow Smawty ow Smawty gib yu wowstest hewties!”
Pistol was on point and fired back “If yu bestest fwuffy, den why yu get cawt by hooman?”
“Smawty nu cawt, Smawty twick hooman tu gib Smawty housie an’ enfie mawes an’ sketties!”
Pistol thought for a moment before countering with “Den whewe smawty hewd? Yu must be wowstest smawty ebah if yu jus webe hewd tu fowevah sweepie!”
“Smawty nu cawe 'bout hewd, Smawty onwy cawe ‘bout Smawty. Hooman gib bettah housie den hewd, su den Smawty gu wi’ hooman!”
“But nu am da smawty if nu hab hewd!”
“Smawty nu cawe, Smawty Smawty 'nuff tu nu nee dummi hewd!”
Pistol though for a longer moment before looking up at Shane, whose head had been bouncing back and forth as if watching tennis. “Pistow nu tink can hewp dis smawty- smawty owny cawe 'bout smawty, an nutink ewse. Am wike make tawkies at a waww ob poopies.”
Shane pulled the foal out of his pocket “I didn’t say try, I told you to fix that smarty. Maybe this will help motivate you.” Shane twisted one of the foal’s legs until it broke with an audiable snap.
Both Pistol and the foal screamed.
“Wrong answer.” Shane said, breaking the foal’s other rear leg. “Fix the smarty you shitrat!”
Pistol turned to face the smarty, but was enraged to see the smarty laughing heartily. “Dat funni! Gib dummeh babbeh wowest hewties!”
Pistol saw red and threw himself at the smarty, pushing over the unsecured cage and struck the smarty in his stupid face.
“Why hewt bestest smawty?” The smarty asked as blood flowed from his nose.
Pistol did not respond, instead punching the smarty’s front left knee, breaking it and causing the smarty to collapse, his head rotating to the left as Pistol spun about and kicked the smarty’s head with both rear legs. The smarty’s neck, already at an angle, broke and smarty finished collapsing to the ground as Pistol gave the now lifeless smarty a donkey kick to his horn, which spun its head into an even more unnatural angle.
Pistol would have kept kicking, but he was suddenly picked up by Shane. “Not gonna lie, that was pretty rad, but I told you to fix him.”
Pistol looked up at Shane, answering “Pistow did fix smawty- dat fwuffy nu am smawty nu mowe.”
“You little shit, guess I needed to be more specific. What I wanted was-”
“Pistow nu cawe, gib babbeh!” Pistol shouted, interrupting Shane’s lackadaisical complaining.
Shane blinked before looking down to see the dead foal at his feet. He must have dropped it in his rush to grab Pistol. Holding Pistol under one arm, grabbed the foal’s body before heading back to the saferoom. “You didn’t do what I said so I killed your kid.”
Pistol SCREEE’d, flailing in his grief as he saw the foal’s limp body in Shane’s hand.
“Shut up or I’ll kill another one.”
Pistol quieted instantly, not making a sound until Shane had dropped him and the dead foal in the saferoom and left.
Pistol rushed forward as the door slammed, holding the foal and huuhuu-ing loudly. Sally woke at the noise. “Pistow fwen! Angwy daddeh took gween babbeh!” Sally shouted to Pistol before seeing the foal he was holding. “Pistow fwen sabe babbeh! Pistow am-”
“NUUU!” Pistow wailed, holding out the corpse for Sally to see, “ANGWY DADDEH GIB BABBEH FOWEBAH SWEEPIES!”
Sally shoved Pistol aside and desperately clutched the foal. Even to Sally, it was clearly dead.
“Angwy daddeh teww Pistow tu fix smawty ow gonna gib babbeh hewties, bu Pisto-”
“NU CAWE!” Sally shouted at Pistol, “YU WET BABBEH FOWEBAH SWEEPIE! GU 'WAY!”
Pistol was taken aback by this, “Bu Pistow nu cu-”
“NU CAWE! BABBEH FOWEBAH SWEEPIE! YU GU 'WAY!” Sally shouted again.
Pistol backed off, and went to the other side of the room. Both parents cried themselves to sleep.