Sawbones
By @Za
Chapter Six
The door is locked. Barricaded, barred, impenetrable. I am invincible in this moment.
Muffled screams explode from outside the operating room.
“Please, Dr. Lane! Think about what you’re doing!”
“Someone, please, save my fluffy!”
“Call the police!”
All a waste of time, what little remains.
Gwendoline is hiding her eyes behind her hooves, curled up at the far corner. She isn’t making a peep, but she’s shaking like a leaf in the breeze. It tells me all I need to know.
“Gwendoline, you don’t need to be afraid,” I coax her. “It’s just us. I won’t let anyone hurt us.”
She turns to me, reluctantly. Her wetted eyes glisten not only with tears, but with trust. A beautiful, wonderful trust.
“Nu huwt Gwendowine?”
I grin, extending my arms and waiting for her to come to me. I cannot rush her. I shall not.
“No, my darling Gwendoline. I want to get to know you. I want to be your best friend.” I smile at her, struggling to subdue myself. “Would you like that?”
She lowered her forelegs to the ground, rolling from a sitting position to a standing one. She still trembled, seemingly unwilling to trust me. But a softness in her eyes made it clear, she truly wanted to believe I wasn’t going to hurt her.
She would, of course, be wrong. But I didn’t intend to harm her out of malice. Instead, out of desire. Out of an oppressive ache to possess her entire existence within my hands.
It’s said we often hurt the ones we love. I had so much love to give Gwendoline. I felt so enamored with her. Her fluffy coat, her silken mane, her wonderfully trusting eyes, her higher-than-average intelligence. With this much love, there would have to be even greater pain.
She waddled towards me, her hooves clicking against the tiled floor with every little step. Her eyes watched me, uncertain but hopeful. Behind those eyes was a soul begging for just another ounce of kindness.
That’s right, just a little closer…
“Nice doctah nu huwt Gwendowine, wite?” she asked again. I snickered, gently waving away her worries.
“Please, Gwendoline, I’m not just your doctor. I’m your friend. You can call me Joseph.”
“Otay… nice mistah Josef nu huwt Gwendowine?”
She was in arm’s reach now. I met her eyes and she seemed to stop in place. Her mouth opened ever so slightly, and as utterly rapt as I felt in this moment, as much as I wanted to hear what she had to say, this was the time.
I grabbed her as swiftly as I could by the back of the neck, pushing her to the floor as she squealed.
“SCREEEEEEEEEE! MISTAH JOSEF, PWEASE NU HUWT GWENDOWINE!”
She tried to kick free from my grasp, but I dug my fingers firmly into her neck. I dragged her alongside me as I scrambled for a scalpel. My hands and feet scratched desperately at the floor as I bounded to the upended operating table and back to our corner.
“WEGGIES WOWK! WEGGIES PWEASE WUN WAY! MEANIE FWOOW TUU FAW!”
She swung herself around, trying to pull free from my grip on her throat. I could not lose her. I didn’t have the time for a chase.
“Now, Gwendoline, the floor isn’t alive. It can’t hear you. Don’t be silly.”
I quickly pinned her to the ground beneath my left arm, lying across her stomach as she slammed her feeble hooves into my shoulders. My right hand fidgeted with the scalpel momentarily as my eyes examined her lower body.
“Disgusting… Gwendoline, those teats between your hind legs… they’re disgusting.”
“REEEEEEE! REEEEEEEEEEEE! NU HUWT MIWKIE PWACES! PWEASE MISTAH JOSEF!”
“Whatever sick bastard designed you ought to be taken out behind the proverbial shed, and… have his fucking head blown off. Something so vulgar ruins a fair creature such as yourself.”
I snickered weakly, jamming my knife into her cleavage and beginning to slice her teats off. She screamed all the while, and though I couldn’t see her face I could clearly imagine the tears and snot pouring down her gentle features. It twisted my heart, but this had to be done. My scalpel sawed effectively through the flesh and fat, soft and doughy like any other fluffy would be. But Gwendoline was like no other fluffy.
I did my best to focus on the task itself. My work always gave me reprieve from any dismay or distractions in life. Perhaps now, in the end, I could find a similar comfort.
“And to think, people will use and abuse you for these… eyesores. Monsters will pillow you, blind you, turn you into nothing but feedbags for their industrially-produced foal futures.”
Her left teat sloughs off into the pooling blood beneath her. The splat is audible even through her tearful screams of agony. I will guide her to perfection. To eternity. My hand alone can do this.
“NUUUUUUUUUUU! HUUHUU, MISTAH JOSEF, PWEASE NU TAKE GWENDOWINE WAST MIWKIE PWACE!”
“And worse yet… some truly depraved individuals would have their way with you. They genetically alter you, as with those so-called XXL beasts, or fuckffies as some prefer. Could I have my way, they would be carted off into a mass grave.”
My scalpel slices further through the pale, tender flesh of her teats as her screams cut through my somber soliloquy. Yes, so much fat in this area to cut through. Easier, but less fun. Shredding through muscle fiber is my favorite part. The delicious meat… should I make a meal of Gwendoline now? No, but perhaps sooner rather than later. And certainly not with these grotesque… things.
“To tarnish such a beautiful creature… it’s unthinkable. Alas, all I have now is the chance to preserve your magnificence in the image of what it should be.”
“JOSEF AM S’POSED TU BE FWEN! WAI GIB GWENDOWINE WOWSTEST MIWKIE PWACE HUWTIES? WAI, NICE MISTAH?”
“This is bigger than us both. You couldn’t understand yet, but I’ll have eternity to show you.”
As her remaining breast comes off, I fling the pair of atrocious extremities across the room. They disgust me. These are things that should not exist. Not here, in my domain. Not attached to my Gwendoline.
“Do you comprehend eternity, Gwendoline?”
“Huff… huff… huwties… wowstest… huwties… pwease, boo-boo juice, nu weave Gwendowine… huu…”
I wipe her tears with a bloodied thumb, managing nothing more than to smear the red into her fluff. I grimace, trying once more to wipe the blood away, though I only exacerbate the issue. Crimson streaks disgraced her lavender coat, creating a stain on her otherwise pristine beauty that must be removed.
“Hold still… let me get this blood off of you…”
I felt her blood still trickling from the wounds between her hind legs, pooling on my lap as I hold her under the forelegs. She’s simply sitting there, comfortably in my lap, as if she’s about to tell me what she wants for Christmas. And… I can’t get this fucking blood out of her GODDAMN-
“GRRRAAAAAAAAHHHHHH, MOTHER FUCK!”
I slam my fist into my leg, gritting my teeth as tears spill over. This can’t be how I spend my final hour. Ruining what was meant to be a perfect moment.
Come on, you foolish bastard. Dig deep. Find that Dr. Lane façade you’ve allowed to slip away. Just long enough to clean up. That’s all you need. Let her look her best in the face of eternity.
I stand, my arms shaking as I cradle Gwendoline close to my chest. She seems to have lost any sense of fight. She is resigned to her fate. Likely due to blood loss. I also surmise that shock is setting in.
“Let’s clean up, shall we?” I give a soft chuckle, and she seems to smile back. Perhaps it’s the tears in my eyes playing tricks, or perhaps she’s accepted her role in all of this. I hope for the latter.
“Wai… wai gib huwties?”
Seems to have been the former.
I place her in the sink, allowing the water to wash her blood away. I take care to scrub the blood from her cheek with newly-washed hands. She is clean again. No longer besmirched. There is no more room for mistakes, not here. Not at the eleventh hour of our own destiny. I refuse.
“I wish we had time to get to know each other better the way we are now, Gwendoline. But we can’t dawdle, time is short.”
“Time am showt? Wut dat mean, Josef? How time… tiww miwkie pwaces? Gwendowine gon hab miwkie pwaces 'gain, wite?”
“You’ll soon realize that you don’t want them. Nor will you need them.”
I place her gently upon the counter, rinsing the blood from my scalpel as I stare into her eyes. Despite everything, some strand of trust lingers. And now… this is what it’s all led up to. This is our step into the beyond.
This moment requires musical accompaniment. Oh, I do love music. And I believe I have a perfect two-song set with which to transition.
I tap at my phone, no longer frenzied, but slow. Practiced. I’m holding onto that wretched sliver of false sanity for as long as I can.
“From Here to Eternity” by Frank Sinatra begins to play from the speakers around my operating room.
You vowed your love
From here to eternity
A love so true
It never would die
I gently pet Gwendoline’s mane, doing my best to leave her at ease. She coos up at me.
“Josef gib huggies tiw huwties gu way?” she asked. I could still see a slight tremble in her hind legs, and who could blame her? I just sliced her teats off. But she was clean now. No longer objectified.
“Shh… this will hurt. For a moment.”
You gave your lips
Gave them so willingly
How could I know
Your kiss meant goodbye?
I chose not to take this literally. I wouldn’t want to kiss her, to objectify her the way the world chose to. No, but meeting her was sweeter than any kiss I had ever been given. And I would give her, in return… the kiss of death. At least, for a time.
My scalpel slices through her doughy stomach in one swift motion. A burst of steam as the heat meets the frigid air, and a piercing scream for mercy. Her legs kick for anything, begging for purchase. For any way to escape. But destiny does not afford her such a luxury. Her face twists, contorts, matting with snot and tears.
“SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! MISTAH JOSEF! WAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIII?”
One benefit of fluffy anatomy is how utterly compact they are. I can easily see her spine from here. And with another precise swipe of the knife… those legs just stop kicking. And there’s nothing she or anyone else can do to change that now. They fall limp, and her breathing becomes even more rapid. I see her little lungs are on the precipice of explosion from the turmoil I’m causing. And that hurts me. But I swallow the pain, for I know what truly awaits.
“Weggies?” she says, pupils drawn to pinpoints. “Weggies pwease wowk?” It’s more of an inquiry than a request.
“Don’t worry. We’ll leave this all behind soon.”
“Otay… dat am otay den.”
I knew she’d understand.
Now I’m alone
With only a memory
My empty arms
Will never know why
Fortunately, I won’t leave her behind. Well, I have to momentarily, due to the nature of what we’re doing. But she’ll wait for me as her soul exits her body, for then she’ll see what this truly means. We’ll depart this mortal coil together. One organism, transcendent beyond corporeal being, through space and time and into eternity.
Though you are gone
This love that you left with me
Will live from here to eternity
Eternity… yes…
A beautiful, united eternity among stardust and supernovae.
Now I’m alone
With only a memory
My empty arms
Will never know why
I bring my trembling hand to my chest, clutching a scalpel. She looks down at the implement and… nods? She knows. She accepts this fate. It’s time I stop delaying and do the same.
She is braver than I. She is everything I have ever dreamed of, and so much more.
With an upward swing, the blade slashes her underbelly open, and her entrails fall into my cradling arms as I still hold her. Her eyes draw again to pinpoints, a smile plastered on her face. Is it? Is it truly?
I grasp her intestines, draping them around my shoulders and painting my face with her blood. It matters not. She is content. She doesn’t even move, but I feel my arms vibrate.
Though you are gone
This love that you left with me
This endless desire
Will live
From here to eternity
I turn to my phone, discarded upon the operating table.
It’s over. I don’t need it now. The finale to this meeting. Those childhood days spent pulling the legs off of foals, twisting their heads off, skewering them on a sharpened branch only to beat their mother to death? Those moments spent sitting through veterinary lectures, wondering if I couldn’t turn my life around, become a functioning man and save dogs, or cats, or even begin saving fluffies… only to perish the thought and stab the pillowed foal in my pocket with a sewing needle. Those days in my adulthood where I relished my career, played god to these creatures, became the master of their little world… all a meaningless distraction from this. This moment, with Gwendoline, as she smiled at me with an innocent glee, was the destination all along. There was never going to be a life for Joseph Lane. This body was merely a vessel for the universe to unite God with Gwendoline. And I am here. We are united at last. Her eyes sparkle, looking up at me from a limply-hanging head.
“Nao, Josef,” she says. “Da time am nao. Am ou weady?”
I nod, blood trickling into my eyes with a brutal sting. I close them, losing sight of her. The last thing I ever see… Gwendoline. I am pleased.
“I am. Let us realize this vast, eternal destiny.”
As the next song fades in, I reach my free hand into her chest cavity and pull out her heart. I can’t tell if it’s still beating or not. But that is irrelevant.
“It’s just us, Gwendoline!” I cry, cramming her heart into my mouth and crushing it in my teeth. “From now until the bitter end, there is only us!”
I wrap my arm around her, holding her hoof in mine as I ballroom dance with the twitching corpse of my cosmic soulmate. An explosion of flavor overwhelms my senses as I bite through her heart. It’s… ambrosia. The afterimage of her smile shines brighter as every chew gushes another drink of blood into my mouth. The muscle and heartstrings separate, tender enough to swallow, but no. I shall savor this through eternity. I shall choke and drown in it.
“My Way” erupts from the speakers, and she hums along.
Any moment now, the police will break through that door. But I’ll be gone.
All they shall find is an animal, and its last meal.