I fucking hate living here in this shitty apartment. I’m a broke asshole with a shitty ass job who can’t afford anything better than this hole in the wall. It’s in a god awful location where I’m forced to look at nothing but more concrete and trash from outside my window. The only ambience I get are the sound of people’s engines roaring by and the occasional police siren.
All that was bad enough on its own. Then the fluffies came. Fucking pigrats. Always hated those stupid things. The retarded baby talk and goofy looking smiles they make over everything makes me want to punt them. Even worse is that they’re everywhere. Childless adults took their “fur-baby” bullshit even further and treated the fluffies like actual children with specially made strollers and everything. Those strollers are probably caked in shit by the end of their two minute walk.
Occasionally the furry oxygen thieves will find their way into alleys out of a desperate need for survival. Average fluffy lifespan for the big ones out in these alleys are around a week. Only the nanos and micros manage to last more than a month. I’ve seen the big ones sometimes hiding inside an Amazon box they call a “housie” living off of someone’s unwanted fast food or rotting trash. Surprised the damn things haven’t puked their inside out after eating all that garbage.
It just so happened that this particular alley had become a living space for a pair of fluffies. You can always tell when they’re around because they never shut the hell up. Even worse is that they choose the worst times to start their shit. Either at the break of dawn when I want to get as much rest as I can or late at night when I want to have uninterrupted sleep.
“Timmy gon find nummies fow bestest mummah an bestest babbhes! Be bestest daddehs fow gwow big an stwong!” Came a stupid sounding voice at five in the morning. At first I thought it was another handicapped resident before realizing that even they have more brain cells than whatever just said that shit. I looked out my window and saw two ugly looking fluffies. One of them was a white fluffy with a black mane excitedly waddling over to the leftover bags my lazy ass neighbor dumped out their front door. They were also living inside one of the Amazon boxes he always left outside. I swear that man ordered so much shit that it was no surprise this was the only place he could afford.
“Teehee speciaw fwiend am bestest speciaw fwiend! Fwuffy wub ou su muchies!” Said another annoying voice. It appeared to be a fatass mare with a nasty looking backside. All shaved off with what looked to be puncture marks all over her ass.
I groaned loudly while placing a pillow over my head to block out the babble. Hopefully I’d suffocate to death on it in my sleep.
“PEEP. CHEEP. Babbeh am su cited fo nummies mummah!”
What the fuck was that? I took the pillow off and looked back outside.
Son of a bitch. She had six little fuckers chirping loudly and repeating the same stupid shit.
I’ve made it clear that I don’t like fluffies but you know what I hate even more? Their foals. Hasbio slaps those things onto every ad they have with the stupid ass “babbehs awe fow huggies and wub!” Catchphrase. The way they called themselves “babbeh” and reminded you that they were in that stage of their life constantly was also a pain in the ass. Yes, widdwe babbeh. I’m well aware of your age. You’ve been saying it nonstop.
“Mummah habe miwkies! Babbeh am so hungwy! Huu huu huuu!’
”No wowwy babbehs. Speciaw fwiend am comin back wit nummies soon and den babbehs get bestest miwkies!”
”Yayy! Babbeh am suu happy”
I plugged in my earbuds and turned the volume up while playing some binaural beats. Never have figured out if they ever worked but now was a good time to try them. It was a Saturday morning and I wasn’t going to let those failed abortions keep me from enjoying my day off.
They worked great. I closed my eyes and had a wonderful dream about living in a luxury penthouse with a gorgeous view of the city and beyond. I was just about to lay on my body-morphing sofa with a deep breath when a god awful noise pierced through my dream.
SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEE
I woke up in a sweat and turned back to the window.
“Huu huu huu huuuuu! Mummah! Mummah! Babbeh hab wowstest hoofsie owwies! Meaniw baww huwt babbeh!” The little dumbass tried playing with a lightbulb some idiot left outside and hurt its hoof. I would have opened the window to laugh at his misery if he hadn’t made me feel nothing but pissed off.
“Nu wowwy babbeh. Mummah gib biggest huggies an make ebewyting bettah!” She then picked him up and gave a little squeeze while the foal continued to scream bloody murder. That’s another thing about fluffies I hated. The “huggies” and how they idiotically insisted they fixed everything. You could slam one of their heads against a wall and they would insist that a hug would make all the pain go away. Must be nice living through life when your brain’s the size of a pea.
“Mummah wub babbehs! Babbehs wub mummah! Dwink bestest miwkies! Gwow up big and stwong!”
Oh hell no. Not the songs. Not the god damn songs. They sang these songs over and over and over and over. Always the same lines, same tone deaf tunes, and no melody whatsoever. And they did it loudly, bleating away while their equally tone-deaf spawn giggled and peeped like the short-bus passengers they were. I wasn’t having anymore of this bullshit.
To the side of my bed was a five pound dumbbell that I never bothered using. Told myself I would start getting in shape and never did. Oh well. It was about to have better use. I opened the window and stuck myself halfway out.
“Teeheehee! Mummah sing bestest singies eba!” A foal cried.
“Hey fluffies!” I called out with a forced smile that would have made anyone with an IQ over seventy run away. Not the fluffies. They really thought I was their friend.
“Hewwo nice mistah! The mare said with a wave. “Be nyu daddeh and big mummah toysies an housies an—“
”COWABUNGA, BITCH!” And with that I dropped the dumbbell onto the foal pile before she continued with her list of demands. The pile of foals went splat like something out of a cartoon while the survivors peeped and screeched.
“HUU HUU HUU! Mummah! Mummah! Meanie mistah gib babbeh biggest weggie huwties!” His little cheeks were stained with his tears. Seeing that made me feel a little bit better.
“Babbeh!? Babbeh!? Why meanie munstah huwt babbehs? Dey am gud babbehs?” She had such a stressed out face. Her deadbeat mate would probably feel like shit too when he saw the mess I left behind.
“Good babies?” I shouted out. “Your babies became bad babies the day they survived childbirth! Now get the fuck out of this alley before I come down there and make you leave!” I then slammed the window and put my shoes on. Whoever was left would get the “biggest owwies” of all time.
I got outside and saw her mate arriving with a half eaten burger and fries. Poor little cuck probably thought it was a gourmet meal.
SCREEEE “MUNSTAH! MUNSTAH! SPECIAW FWIEND WUN! WUN WAY FWOM MUNSTAH!’ His mate screeched.
Her mate turned his tubby body to get a good look at me and puffed his cheeks out. “Hmph! Meanie munstah! Why gib babbehs foweba sweepies! Babbehs no du anyfing!”
”Yeah they did. They existed,” I said with a snarl. D
”Timmy gon gib munstah biggest huwties! Wun speciaw fwiend! Timmy gon gib munstah foweba sweepies!” He gave a lovely speech that would have moved me if he didn’t say it while sounding like he’d undergone a lobotomy. I decided to let him think he had a chance and stood there while he charged at me but got bored with waiting for him to reach me. He clearly didn’t respect me and so I figured I would do the same. I pulled my head back and then stuck it out while I let out a spit that went right into his eye.
SCREEE! WUWSTEST SEE-PWACE HUWTIES!” He fell over and tried hugging his eye. God these things were creative in their stupidity.
I picked him up and was ready to stick the dumbbell up his ass when the sound of something even better caught my attention.
“Nuu! Pwease nu huwt daddeh! Wan mummah! Babbeh am scawedy!” I smirked at the stallion and dropped him on his head. He somehow survived the fall.
“What do we have here?” I said to the little pink babbeh.
“Pwease nu huwt babbeh! Am onwy widdwe babbeh! Nu kno be bad! Whateba babbe do, babbeh nebba du gain?” Amazing how these things all said the same thing. It’s almost as if they were incapable of original thoughts.
“You know what? You’re right! You’re only a little baby. What was I thinking? Being such a meanie mister.”
The foal calmed down a little and smiled weakly. “Dat am wight. Pwease gib fwuffy famiwy huggies to make it aww betta?”
I picked her up in my hand and she giggled. “Wub upsies,” she chirped.
“I’ll give your family huggies. But first I have a song for you.”
”Babbeh wub singies.”
”Put babbeh down! Dat am mummah’s babbeh!” The mare cried as she ran towards me. I casually shut her up by lifting up my foot and kicking her in the side of the head with it.
“Mummah! CHEEP. PEEP. Why huwt mummah?”
God damn it. Stupid mare ruined the joke.
“Well now the song is ruined,” I groaned. “So I’ll just have to play the instrumentals.”
And with that I slammed my hands together as if they were cymbals and felt the little foal slowly breaking apart. First I felt her delicate bones breaking from the force of my palms and then it felt like her insides were turning into jello as I kept going. I finally stopped and saw a bloody, gooey mess in my hands. Fucking gross.
“Mummah! Mummah! Hewp babbeh!” Another foal cried. He’d fallen over on his back and couldn’t get back up. “Hoofsies no wowk! Nee upsies!”
This time I pointed right at him and laughed.
“Huu huu huu! Meanie mistah it am no funneh!”
“Yes it is! You’re so god damn fat you can’t even get back on your feet. That’s what happens when mummah gives you a steady diet of fast food you fat fuck!”
”Huu huu! Biggest heawt huwties!”
I picked him up and threw him with my best pitching arm right into the wall. Little guy went so fast he didn’t even have time to screech about bad upsies. Last one was a pegasus flapping its wings furiously.
”Pwease wingies! Fwy away fwom munstah! Nee sabe famiwy!” Oh this was precious. I had just the thing too. That lazy ass neighbor also left his booze out. He’d probably give me shit about this later but I’m sure he’d laugh after I told him what I did with it. I opened the bottle and forced the babbeh’s eyes open as it flailed wildly in my hand. The alcohol went right into both eyes as he screeched so loudly that it hurt my eardrums.
“You know a drink a day keeps the doctor away?” I said while pouring the remainder into his mouth. His wings went even faster as his damaged eyes bulged. I could hear him puking and then swallowing it as the alcohol continued being forced down. There was a light gurgling sound before he stopped moving and the body went limp. I dropped it onto the pavement without a care.
All that was left were the two fluffies.
“HUU HUU HUU HUU! AM MUMMAH NO MOWE!”
“You’re also about to be a fluffy no more if you don’t shut the hell up and leave right now! I’m counting to ten and if you’re still here I’ll give you so many hurties that you’ll be wishing you were dead!”
”Come speciaw fwiend! Timmy sabe speciaw fwiend! Nee get way fwom munstah!’ Looks like he had a few more brain cells than I initially thought. He and the pincushion waddled away while huuing away. Funny how their cries were the only time they had some sort of melody.
I looked down at my mess and groaned. It just struck me that I was going to face some shit for this but I didn’t care. My life still sucked either way and for a moment it was great.