Today was an important day. Perhaps the most important-est day in all of Chocolate’s life. Mama Slushie told him that other Fluffies could try to give him forever sleepies for no food reason other than him being chocolate coloured. Mama Slushie all but refused to use the word “Poopie” around him, she said that all other Fluffies who called him that were just dummies who should take a long walk off of a short dock. Whatever that meant.
Slushie was marching back and forth, saying “Hup hup hup hup!” to herself. She had drawn two black marks under her eyes with coal. Apparently this is something that hoomins did to prepare to fight other hoomins in the “ar-mee.” She saw it on Hoomin FluffTV once.
“ATTEN-SHUN!” Slushie snapped.
“Wat dat mean?” Chocolate asked innocently. Mummah Slushie said funny things sometimes.
“It means Chocowate must wisten to Swushie! Swushie am dwill seawgent now!”
Chocolate blinked slowly. “What am “dwill seawgent”?”
Slushie thinked really heard again. She watched Hoomin FluffTV through the windows of hoomin housies sometimes. This one hoomin liked watching “war movies”, which seemed to be about… Hoomins fighting for territory. At least that’s what she thought it was. It made 100% sense to her. She still remembered being a filly and watching the older Fluffies fight other Fluffies for nesties. It was shocking that hoomins did something like that too.
“Dwill Seawgent is Hoomin Smarty.” Slushie answered. Of course they were. Smarties told other Fluffies what to do. What else could a drill sergeant be?
Chocolate gasped, his see-places going wide. “Chocowate nu kno dat dere are Hoomin Smarties!”
“It twue!” Slushie nodded.
Almost instantly Chocolate burst into loud huu huus. “Chocowate nu wan Mummah Swushie to be smarty! Smarty meanie an gib sowwy hoofsies!”
Slushie gasped and pulled Chocolate into a hug. “It otay, Mummah nu smarty, Mummah just pwetend to be Smarty, teach Chocowate wight now! It impowtant!”
Chocolate wiped his see places with his hoofsies. “Otay…”
Slushie guided Chocolate over to a row of items she had collected from the trash and neatly sorted. Chocolate backed away. Whatever they were, they looked scary…
“Otay! Swushie gon teach Chocowate to fight Fwuffies dat twy gib Chocowate forebah sweepies!” Slushie announced.
“Wesson One! If meanie big fwuffy try to gib bad feews to Chocowate, what Chocowate do?”
Chocolate stared blankly. “Wun away?”
“NU!” Slushie stomped her hoof. “Chocowate bite otha Fwuffie’s no-no stick wight off! If Fwuffy hab nu no-no stick, Fwuffie neba hab good feews again!”
Chocolate gasped. “Whaaaaa???”
Slushie nodded her head proudly. “It foowpwoof. Swushie did it to otha bad Fwuffies dat twy to gib Swushie bad feews. Fwuffies dat gib otha Fwuffies bad feews awe bad munstah Fwuffies. Nu deserb no-no stick.”
Chocolate flapped his wingies, if he could take notes right now, he would.
“Wesson Two-” she picked up a switchblade she found. “Dis hoomin pointy. Chocowate nu hab pointy, so Chocowate use dis. Bu be cawefuw, it am shawp, gibs owies!”
Chocolate picked up the switchblade by the hilt. Slushie directed him over to a sandbag. “Swushie teww Chocowate impowtant technique.” She picked up a stick. “Watch Swushie.”
Chocolate watched intently as Slushie swung her head and jabbed the sand bag with her stick sword. “Otay, do dat.”
Chocolate swung his head and stabbed the sand bag, spilling sand everywhere.
“Weww done, Chocowate am bestest at stabbing.” Slushie said proudly.
Chocolate wagged his tail and flapped his wingies. “Tank yu, mummah!”
“Wesson…” Slushie paused. What number came after three again? “…um… Twiangle!” Nailed it.
Slushie pulled out a Glock.
“Dis is Hoomin Boom Thingie. Swushie nu kno how it work, but otha Fwuffies are scardies ov it! Make em wun an go SCREEE! It empty, but otha Fwuffies nu kno dat.”
“Otay Mummah! Chocowate hold boom thingie.” He nodded.
"And dis is bestest impowtant thingie!’ Slushie said excitedly. She picked up a piece of bubble gum and chewed on it, spitting it out and using her hoofsies to put a tiny piece on Chocolate’s forehead. She stuck a thumb tack onto the sticky bubble gum and sat back to admire her work.
“Huuu…why mummah put sticky on Chocowate! Nu wike!” Chocolate whined, sucking his hoof.
Slushie flapped her wingies happily. “It Chocowate’s pointy! Now Chocowate pointy-wingie fwuffy like Mummah!”
Chocolate’s little brain exploded. “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAA?!!?!?!?”
The brown newly crowned pointy wingie fluffy ran circles around Slushie, like a fire cracker about to go off. “YAAAAY! DIS BESTEST BWIGHT TIME EVAH!”
“DIS AM SMAWTY LAND NAO! DUMMEH FWUFFIES GU AWAY OR SMAWTY GIB FOREVAH SWEEPIES!”
Slushie turned her head. Damn, she hadn’t even explained what the thumb tack was for. Oh well.
“It Otay Chocowate. Just dummeh Smawty. Nu wisten to him.” Slushie rolled her eyes.
The pretty colours unicorn was flabbergasted. How dare this wingie fluffy not listen to him?! He was Smarty! All other Fluffies had to do what he said! On second thoughts, this fluffy was a pretty mare…
Slushie froze. “Oh fukk.” She knew that look. She knew exactly what that Smarty wanted to do to her. “Otay, Chocowate, go du what Swushie taught you.”
The Smarty was prepared to make this pretty mare his mate and have lots of bestest babbehs. Oh, he was going to stomp on that dummeh poopie babbeh. That went without saying. What he wasn’t prepared for was the Poopie Babbeh charging at him with a battle cry.
“SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE” Smarty’s voice went higher than any Fluffy’s ever could. He had the absolute WORST owies in his no-no stick! Or his sudden lack there of.
Chocolate spat out the no-no stick and went for the switchblade. He swung with all his might, kapow! Smarty was now 25% a Pillow Fluff.
“LEGGIE! NUUUUUU!” Smarty screamed. “DUMMEH LEGGIE! COM BACK TU SMARTY NAO!”
Chocolate stuck his tongue out at the Smarty. “Dummeh Munstah gu away, neba huwt Mummah again!”
The Smarty turned on him like a bull to a red flag. “DUMMEH BABBEH GET WORSTEST STOMPIES!”
The smarty raised his hoof to stomp Chocolate into pudding and brought it down. The thumb tack got lodged right in his foot and broke free from the gum as the Smarty fell backwards.
“SCREEEEE!!!”
Try as he might, but the Smarty couldn’t find a way to remove the thumb tack. As he set his hoof down, it only went in deeper. Smarty was panicking. His leggie was missing. His front leggie had owies. And now the babbeh was pointing a glock at him.
The Smarty ran clumsily for the hills, scree-ing all the way.
“Weww done, Chocowate!” Slushie cheered. "Chocowate nao am wittle wawwiow.
“Chocowate’s pointy is gone!” Chocolate cried, mourning his transformation back into a normal wingie fwuffy.
“It Otay, Swushie jus find anotha one.” Slushie shrugged.