Smarty plodded miserably down another dank, grimy tunnel. As much as he hated to admit it, he missed having his herd around. Sleeping was cold without a fluff-pile to keep him warm, and finding nummies was a lot harder now… since Smarty wasn’t really sure what nummies could be. Was a brick a nummy? Maybe, but it had hurt Smarty’s teeth. What about dirt? Was dirt a nummy? It didn’t hurt, but it didn’t taste good either…
As Smarty was sadly contepmplating what was and wasn’t a nummy, he turned a corner and waddled down a tunnel, at which poing something amazing happened.
Nummies fell from the sky!
A great big fat ‘sangwidge’ slapped into the ground right in front of him, with soft bread, shiny meat and crispy green leafies!
At first Smarty froze at the sight, but then bounded forwards, ready to take a bite, when a noise made him stop.
“Aw, fuckin… Jeeeee-zus!” A voice groaned from above. “What’re the fuckin odds?!”
There was a shuffling sound, and suddenly the light was blotted out. Smarty looked up, and saw an ugly human face peering down from between some bars in the ceiling.
“Fell right into the grate… just my fuckin luck…” The man grumbled, before letting out a belch. Smarty didn’t know what ‘whiskey’ was, but whatever it was, the smell of it was thick on the man’s breath.
“Go 'way!” Smarty huffed!
“Whussat?” The man grumbled, swivelling his bleary eyes around and finally spotting the filthy green fluffy pony. “Oh! You’re one’a those ‘My Little Horsie’ things!”
“Nu dummeh! Am fwuffy! Smawtest fwuffy ebah!”
“Yeah, sure, sure…” The man said, swivelling his glassy eyes back towards his dropped sandwich. Smarty followed his gaze, and remembered the sandwich was there too.
“Nummies.” Smarty stated redundantly, before waddling forwards and sinking it’s teeth into the sandwich.
“Hey! HEY!” The man yelled. “Tha’s MY sandwich!”
He let out another belch, and clapped a hand over his mouth, making a slight retching sound.
“Nu! Smawty’s now! Smawty find nummies! Smawty TAKE nummies!” Didn’t dummy humans know that was the way things worked? Whatever Smarty said was law!
“Don’t you fuckin touch my sandwich, shithead!” The man growled. “Or I’ll… I’m gonna… gon… g-”
He clapped his hand over his mouth again, and let out a ‘HURK’ sound. Smarty smiled and readied himself to take another bite of the sandwich… when suddenly everything went to hell.
The man let out a ‘BLURGH’ sound, and suddenly a torrent of green-orange bile poured from his mouth, thundering right into the drain and crashing down across the sandwich, and especially onto Smarty, who he had been looking directly at.
Smarty needed a second to think about what happened, then suddenly panicked.
“EWW! SICKY WAWAS! DUMMEH HOOMAN GET SICKY WAWAS ON SMAWTY!”
Then Smarty stopped. The sandwich was covered too.
“REEEEEE! DUMMEH DUMMEH HOOMAN! SICKY WAWAS ON NUMMIES!”
The man wiped his mouth with his sleeve, saw the screaming Smarty, and laughed uproariously.
“Well hey man, sandwich is all yours now!”
“NU! Nu wan sicky wawa nummies! Wan GOOD nummies! Hooman wuin it!”
“Oh yeah? Bet I can make it worse.” He said. The man stood up, and Smarty heard a strange sound that a human would have called ‘unzipping’. Moments later, there was water pouring into the drain! Smarty was delighted, water for his thirsty tummy!
But… the water smelled kinda funny… and it was hot… and-
Smarty gasped loudly.
“PEEPEES! NU PEEPEES ON SMAWTY!”
Smarty began running from the peepees… but couldn’t bear to leave behind his hard-won nummies! So he quickly ran back… but PEEPEES! And so he ran away, then ran back, then away, and back… all while squeaking like a rat caught in a trap, hot peepee soaking his grimy fluffy while he ran around in a blind panic.
Above him, the man laughed again.
“You things are a fuckin riot!” He said, continuing to piss into the drain, soaking Smarty, the sandwich, everything in sight.
Finally, he was done, and zipped himself back up. Smarty was out of breath, stinking of piss and exhausted… but the peepee had actually washed away quite a lot of the sicky wawa that had ruined the nummies! Now Smarty could eat it again!
“Oh no you don’t.” The man grumbled. Another strange sound, this time ‘unbuckling’, and then things went from bad to worse.
Just as Smarty opened his mouth to take another bite of the soaking wet sandwich, suddenly…
SPLAT.
Smarty didn’t have time to stop, and chomped straight into ‘nummies’ in front of him… and came away with a mouthful of something awful!
Smarty looked, and saw that a huge poopie had appeared on top of the nummies… and he had just taken a big bite out of it!
“EWW! POOPIES!” He wailed, scampering around and trying to spit out the horrible taste in his mouth. Above, the man just laughed again.
“That’s what you fuckin get, you lil shit…” He grumbled as he pulled his pants back up. “That’s what you get for stealing my fuckin sandwich!”
Smarty stopped and looked at the nummies. The huge poopie was dumped on top of it, covering it almost completely. The nummies were completely ruined, with sicky wawas, peepee and now poopies too.
Smawty, overwhelmed by the foul taste in his mouth, and the emotional and physical turmoil he’d gone through, promptly vomited on the ground, spitting up the single mouthful of half-digested sandwich he’d actually managed to swallow.
The drunkard stood up and staggered away, vanishing into the night, leaving Smarty alone in the tunnel with a shit-vomit-piss covered sandwich in front of him.
Smarty couldn’t take his eyes off of it. It wasn’t fair! He’d EARNED those nummies! And then that big smelly dummy had RUINED them!
But Smarty was still hungry… so hungry… even more since he puked back up the small amount he’d actually managed to eat.
So, with his eyes clamped shut, Smarty lowered his head to the stinking, mushy ‘sangwidge’ and took a bite. Immediately Smarty vomited it back up, but he tried again, with the same result. Try as he might, the nummies were completely ruined.
Smarty, overcome with frustration, began to cry.
It just wasn’t fair! He’d gotten the nummies fair and square! But the dummy human had to ruin them for him!
Then, Smarty got an idea!
“HEWD!” He yelled. “Cwean dah nummies fow Smawty!”
He sat back, pleased with his brilliant leadership and strategising… then realised nothing was happened.
And then he remembered why.
He had no herd. No herd meant nobody to clean the nummies. Nobody to clean the nummies meant Smarty would have to do it himself.
Smarty looked at the ‘sangwidge’ again, taking in the damp textures, the foul stink, the way the entire thing had begun to sag under the heavy turd that sat on top of it…
Smarty turned and walked away.
No, no he couldn’t eat it. Not even to clean it first. He wasn’t some dummy herd-fluffy, he was a SMARTY! And Smarties did NOT do nummy-cleaning! Of course, that was why he was struggling with it! It all made sense now, it wasn’t his job! He wasn’t some kind of poopie-eating poopie baby, he was a SMARTY!
And so he wandered back into the dark tunnels, his stomach growling loudly in protest. Smarty attempted to give his noisy tummy some sorry-hoofsies, but couldn’t reach and only ended up falling over on his side.
Which he felt was a good enough place and time to fall asleep anyway. Of course, that was why he’d done it.
And so Smarty fell asleep in the tunnel, content in his self-assurances of how smarty he was… all of which did nothing to sate his still rumbling, still empty tummy.
