On March 15th, the ever-popular channel FluffTV aired a PSA. This had happened several times in the past, where the channel would (at scheduled times) show brief videos, sometimes animated, sometimes live-action, depicting fluffies who would teach the fluffy pony audience what to do and what not to do in certain situations.
Some were about listening to your owners, others were about the dangers of unsolicited special-huggies from strangers… but after a rise in household deaths, a new one was commissioned.
The PSA was titled ‘Splorin’ Babies’ (or ‘splowin’ babbehs’, as it was pronounced by the narrator of the short), and sought to warn fluffies about the dangers within their own homes.
“‘SPLOWIN’ BABBEHS!!!” The narration began, in a sing-songy voice over a titlecard showing some wide-eyed foals crawling around a colourful backdrop.
“Hewwo fwuffies!” The narrator’s voice chirped. It was just a voice-actress given a small dose of helium, but it was convincing enough to fool the audience every time. “Wewcome to anoddah vewy speshul bideo! Awe yoo aww happeh today?”
The video was silent for a moment as, in numerous households around the world, millions of fluffies responded brightly, genuinely believing the TV could hear them.
“Dat’s GUD!” The narrator continued. “How many of yoo wive in a home?”
Of course, the answer was ‘all of them’, but the fluffy audience seemed to only realise it themselves once the narrator asked them.
“Oh wow!” The narrator said. “Dat’s a WOT of yoo! Do you wub youw homesies?”
Again, every fluffy watching nodded and chanted ‘YUS!’ Any abusive owners wouldn’t waste time subscribing to FluffTV’s programming.
“Dat’s gud! But yoo aww godda knu, dah homesies isn’t awways safe!”
The video cut to show a typical safe-room, with a cluster of young, small fluffy ponies waddling around it, poking at toys and looking around. They had clearly just been dumped in the room seconds before the camera had begun recording, but it didn’t matter. As ever, the audience of brain-damaged creatures were enraptured by what they saw.
“Dis a safe-woom!” The narrator warbled. “It aww nice and cosy fow fwuffies! Nu munstahs in dewe! Nu dangew! Vewy sabe and happeh! Aww fwuffehs awe happeh in dah safe-woom!”
The footage cut to a montage showing off the various delights of a safe-room, including bedding, a litter-box, a handful of toys… and then repeating.
“BUT!!!” The narrator squeaked suddenly. “Some fwuffehs don’t WIKE theiw safe-woom! Some fwuffehs fink it BOWIN’! Dey wan’ see somefin’ new… so dey wan’ gu OWTSIDE!!!”
The video cut again, this time to a few close-up shots on some of the fluffies in the room. Their mouths flapped open and closed, in reality they were simply licking at peanut-butter that had been spread on the roofs of their mouths, but to the audience, it looked like they were speaking.
And, to help with that, the narrator’s voice-actor chimed in to provide voices for them.
“Dis safe-woom bowin’!” A small voice chirped.
“Yeah, nu wike safe-woom nu mowe!” A gruffer (but still high-pitched) voice added.
“Wan go owt! Wan pway!” Another said.
“Daddeh say stay in safe-woom, daddeh dummeh, nu wisten to him!” A fourth squeaked.
“We wan be… SPLOWIN’ BABBEHS!!!” A final one said.
The footage cut again to show the five fluffy ponies waddling out of the safe-room. Most fluffies watching were actually in support of the ‘splorin’ babies’.
That soon changed.
“But wha nu fwuffeh knus is just how DANGEWOUS dah owtside is!” The narrator said, as the video cut to show various household areas from a tilted camera angle, with a generic scare chord playing over it. A vaccuum cleaner, a door swaying in the wind, a kitchen sink with the tap running…
“Fwuffehs gotta be caweful! Nebah knu when dangew wiww stwike!”
The video showed the first fluffy waddling into the kitchen, over to where a large plastic bottle of something had been tipped over. The bottle was leaking something on the floor, some kind of transparent pale-green liquid, which glooped and slopped out of the bottle and spread across the tiles.
“Ooh, nummy!” The fluffy said in it’s real voice, as it waddled over to the puddle and began to lick at it.
As it did, the camera panned over to reveal the bottle’s label, focusing especially on the ‘EXTRA-STRONG BLEACH’ statement underneath the brand name, and the skull and crossbones logo on the side.
Suddenly, the fluffy screamed.
“HURK! ACK! HEWP! HEWP FWUFF- HORK!”
It staggered back from the bottle and, with an almighty retch, vomited up a torrent of it’s own blood, which splashed across the floor of the kitchen set. The fluffy wobbled around, coughed up a few more spurts, and finally fell to the ground, dead.
“Oh nu!” The narrator wailed. “Dis fwuffeh hab fowebah sweepies! If onwy dey had stayed in dah safe-woom…”
The video cut again. This time it cut to a close-up shot of a comically yellow piece of cheese. It slowly zoomed out to reveal the cheese was sitting on a classic mousetrap, all pale wood and shining metal.
Another fluffy waddled into the shot, and spotted the cheese.
“Ooh, yewwow nummy!” It babbled as it walked forwards, drooling heavily at the sight. In truth neither of the previous fluffies had fed for several hours prior to filming, ensuring they’d try and eat the first things they saw, no matter how dangerous they were.
Sure enough the second fluffy bit down into the cheese, which immediately set off the mousetrap. With a violent ‘SNAP!’ the trap sprang shut around the fluffy baby’s neck, crushing it’s wind-pipe and snapping several of it’s bones.
The camera cut to another angle, showing the fluffy was in fact still alive, but wheezing for breath and weakly twitching it’s limbs.
“Huh… heh… hu-hewp… hep… hewp fwuh… huh… huh… fwuffeh…” It gasped in a tiny, barely-whispering voice.
“Oh nu!” The narrator wailed. “Dis fwuffeh hab fowebah sweepies! If onwy dey had stayed in dah safe-woom…”
And so the rest of the video continued.
The next fluffy was running at the top of the stairs, mis-stepped and tumbled down the stairs, breaking it’s neck as soon as it hit the ground. Of course, this had been achieved by skillful editing and one of the crew hurling the foal face-first at the ground from off-camera, but it worked well enough.
“Oh nu!” The narrator wailed. “Dis fwuffeh hab fowebah sweepies! If onwy dey had stayed in dah safe-woom…”
The next part of the video depicted a fluffy getting curious about an electrical socket mounted in the wall. Sure enough he tried to mount it, figuring that ‘any hole would do’, and got a very sudden and very lethal shock for his actions.
“Oh nu!” The narrator wailed. “Dis fwuffeh hab fowebah sweepies! If onwy dey had stayed in dah safe-woom…”
The last part showed the final surviving fluffy finding it’s way behind a TV cabinet, where a multitude of wires were hanging in various places, some tangled together, others hanging freely. The fluffy waddled in amongst it, trying to wriggle and squirm past the various wires, only for them to gradually tangle around the fluffy’s neck. It got scared and tried to fight it’s way out, but this only tightened the cables, restricting the fluffy’s breathing more and more.
THe video then cut to a few minutes later, where the fluffy had gone motionless. At some point it had urinated all over itself, leaving a large dark patch on the fluff around it’s crotch. It’s eyes were bugged out grotesquely, and it’s face was covered in dried tears and snot.
“Oh nu!” The narrator wailed. “Dis fwuffeh hab fowebah sweepies! If onwy dey had stayed in dah safe-woom…”
The video cut back to the shot of the safe-room, now completely empty and with the footage in black-and-white.
“So wemembah, ebewyfwuffeh! Dah safe-woom is SAFE! Nebah gu owtside of dah safe-woom wiffout yoo hooman mummah owe daddeh’s pewmishun! Owe YOO could hab fowebah sweepies too!”
The PSA came to a close.
Then the chaos began.
The PSA had been intended to prevent fluffies from leaving their safe-room no matter what, by demonstrating to them the variety of dangers that surrounded them on all sides if they did.
However, in the eternally infuriating manner of the fluffy pony brain, they interpreted this differently.
They took the lesson to be that danger surrounded them on all sides… even in the safe-room, which was, itself, surrounded on all sides.
A pregnant mare named Milkshake became so terrified that she miscarried and released five half-formed foal corpses all over the lounge carpet.
A pillowed fluffy named Gus tried to run away, but couldn’t due to having no legs. In the end he worked himself up into so much of a frenzy that he had a heart-attack right on top of his designated couch-cushion.
A blind fluffy named Johan hadn’t seen what had happened, but had heard all of the death, and so ran off in blind panic, sending himself careening head-first into a wall at which point his neck broke.
And those were the good cases.
Many other fluffies simply ran away. The PSA had intended but ensure domestic fluffies stayed safe, but ironically it had the opposite effect. Formerly obedient fluffies were terrified to the point of disobedience, deciding it would be better to live in the scary outdoors than die in their own home. Cracks in fences, dog-doors, even just doors left slightly ajar… domestic fluffies began fleeing their homes en-masse in absolute mindless terror of the potential dangers awaiting them in their own homes.
The event was known as ‘The Exodus’.
The PSA was never aired again.
