The FluffCo Homeowner’s Guide to Dealing with Fluffies
It’s no secret that, like termites or mice, fluffies are an ecological menace that many homeowners will have to deal with at some point. Unlike other pests, however, a fluffy encounter can prove quite profitable and - according to certain degenerates that FluffCo does not endorse or support - emotionally rewarding.
In this quickstarter guide, we’ll explain how new homeowners can:
-Prevent fluffy incursions into the home
-Manage fluffy encounters on your property
-Potentially salvage profit from an otherwise disastrous fluffy infestation
Note that this edition is specifically intended for suburban households. Other editions with unique tips and advice exist for other living situations from isolated country houses and vacation homes to apartments, hotels, and other urban structures. Our new Shipmaster’s Guide for yacht owners and other sailing enthusiasts is due out this spring!
Part 1: “Stay Away Fwum Bad Hoomin Pwace!”
Much like humans, fluffies are social creatures, and word of semi-coherent mouth remains a powerful tool in curbing ferals from even approaching your home. If your home can attain the status of “bad hoomin pwace” among local feral herds, the purchase (and yearly or even seasonal reapplication) of expensive chemical deterrents can be avoided.
What makes a comfortable suburban home into a “bad hoomin pwace” in the eyes of a fluffy? First and foremost, fear. If your home has not yet been intruded upon by a fluffy herd, a good, cheap way to avoid it is to simply purchase Halloween decorations from seasonal sellers. For under a dollar, you can buy plastic replicas of distressed, fearful, and injured foals to place along key access points to your property. FluffCo’s own “Hangie Fwend,” the lynched foal replica, sold over 4 million units at its debut last Halloween! When feral herds see Hangie Fwend’s choking face, tongue lolling out to the side, and limp appendages, they run for cover in 99.97% of all field and lab tests.
If you’re a lover of hands-on, DIY methods, another fun method is to simply wait for the first herd or stray to cross onto your property before showing them the error of their ways. Once fluffies have arrived, simple household tools such as hammers, screwdrivers, pins, shaving razors, matches, or other “bad hoomin toys” can be used to teach the feral fluffies exactly how bad these “bad hoomins” can be! It is important to note that the goal in this instance is not to kill the feral; though it may seem alluring to finish the job, a severely wounded fluffy screeching about the “bad hoomin pwace” is a better deterrent than any other method. A simple removal of hind weggies (cauterization recommended for lifespan adequate for this purpose; see FluffCo’s Weggie Wemobal Guide for more details), plucking of wingies, or crushing of speshul wumps is all that is necessary to turn any feral into a veritable carnival barker extolling the virtues of staying away from your home to every feral herd in the area.
For those who want a simple solution, chemical deterrents to pest entry remain an option. As mentioned before, these can be rather expensive; a can of seasonal anti-fluff spray can run for $19.99, while most year-round sprays start at $49.99. These sprays emit an aerosol of “bad feews” pheromones emitted from fluffies during prolonged periods of terror and pain. Many purporting to require only seasonal application will in fact wash away with rain, often leaving the homeowner stuck with an expensive can of spray and a backyard full of bad poopies.
Reader Tim L. writes:
I saw your Hangie Fwends on display last Halloween and decided to give them a try. To my surprise, not only did they keep out ferals for the first time in months, but after hanging them on the back gate, they also kept in my daughter’s pet fluffy when it tried to run away again! It’s terrified to go anywhere near the gate, even when we leave it open!
Thanks, Tim! We hope the family fluffy’s constant terror remains a source of entertainment for years to come.
Part 2: “Dis Am Smawdy Home Nao!”
It’s an unfortunately common scenario: You arrive home after a long day at work, only to find your backyard, garage, or even home ransacked by a herd of feral fluffies.
Dummeh hoomin, gib sketties! Dis am smawdy home nao! Smawdy gib hoomin bad poopies if no get sketties wigh’ nao!
Despite your fatigue, you round up the ferals and fling them out into the woods or into a trashcan after having beaten the last huuhuu out of them. Urine and feces coat your floor and walls, leaving a stench that no off-the-shelf cleaners seem able to remove.
For the busy homeowner that arrived too late to simply fling a feral herd back over the hedge, there is still hope: FluffCo’s own FluffCo Cleaning Crews.
The following is taken from a transcript of a real call to FluffCo’s Emergency Fluff Removal Help hotline:
Homeowner: …Yeah, there’s around 20 of them camped out in the backyard. Everything’s covered in shit. How could they destroy this much stuff in half a day? I just got home from work, and my daughter’s birthday party is tomorrow. Can you help?
Operator: Don’t worry sir, the cavalry’s on the way.
Within 20 minutes of placing this call, a FluffCo Cleaning Crew arrived at the home in question and set to removing the fluffies. Using our patented spaghetti-scented Skettie Spway, the entire feral herd was quickly lured into a Fluff-Away hardshell carrying case. With hi-res photos of real spaghetti stickered along the bottom, the Skettie Spway easily worked its magic and the herd piled in to the shallow cello-sized case. The Cleaning Crew quickly shut them in, latching it tight, and shoved the Fluff-Away case into one of our fluffy-proof work vans. The crew began cleaning the backyard immediately; our chemical cleaning agents are designed to break down fluffy excretions without harming paints, lacquers, or stains on wood, drywall, or vinyl siding, and won’t even leave streaks on glass. FluffCo brand cleaning products penetrate every crack and crevice in brick, concrete, and stucco, rapidly breaking down fluffy contaminants and leaving your home smelling fresh.
Sadly, the caller’s patio furniture was a total loss. Although the fabrics were now free from stains, no cleaning agents could un-eat the vinyl padding, re-stuff the cushions, or un-break the wicker chairs. The small flower garden, home to several gorgeous hibiscus plants, looked like a war zone. While thankful, the homeowner was still furious at the damage wrought by the feral herd. “I wish I could give those shitrats what they deserve,” he said.
“The guy’s daughter just stood there crying,” one of the cleaners reminisced. “‘My birthday’s ruined,’ she said. ‘We can’t have a party here now!’”
Thankfully, dear reader, this story has a happy ending after all! The feral herd was brought back to the area’s FluffCo headquarters, where we hosted the young girl’s birthday party ourselves. A pillowing workshop was given to several attendees, and the birthday girl herself was treated to round after round of Fluffco’s Meanie Shootie Munstah carnival game, blasting many of the very same ferals that destroyed her backyard with bean bags fired from FluffCo’s rapid-fire beanbag cannon.
A prototype of FluffCo’s Whack-A-Foal (coming soon to a store near you!) machine was brought out, fully stocked with dozens of foals at no extra charge; the herd’s foals were the first to go, of course, and it brought the “meanie hoomin daddeh” joy like no other to smash each and every one of them to bits in front of the now-pillowed smarty and mummah. The family was able to take home the pillow smarty (the mummah having entered a “wan die” loop shortly before the end of the party) with a “speshul” surprise: The smarty’s own speshul wumps, preserved in a jar for the smarty to look at every day for the rest of his life. The homeowner later sent us a family video showing how the smarty is displayed on a shelf in the living room, huuhuuing gently as he looks on mournfully at his speshuw wumps, his pillow-litterbox setup angling him directly at the jar.
“It’s relaxing,” the homeowner narrates in the video, available on our website. “Some people have those little waterfalls on an end table, we have a crying fluffy. It’s the same effect, a pleasant background noise that you can’t help but feel calmed around.”
This is just one of hundreds of fluffy removals we perform nationwide every year. If your property has been invaded and soiled by ferals, one call to FluffCo is all it takes to make things right. Don’t cover yourself in feral shit and harsh chemicals that won’t get the job done, ask for a FluffCo Cleaning Crew today!
Part 3: “Pweese Gib Babbeh Back!”
Perhaps you’re a Do-It-Yourselfer, or maybe FluffCo’s Cleaning Crews are bit beyond your financial reach, or you’re simply a former city dweller looking to turn all your extra suburban space into a second source of income. Whatever your circumstances, FluffCo understands that fluffy farming can come with benefits and challenges unique to the suburban setting. By following our tips and tricks, you can turn your recent fluffy invasion into a self-renewing source of income.
3.1 The Foal Mill
While most families will find they already have all they need, many youths on their own for the first time will find themselves lacking basic implements. Our FluffCo Pillow Pal Starter Kit will supply every tool needed for this fun and exciting journey into entrepreneurship.
Whether you’re accosted in your yard or the home itself, it’s important that you look on these interlopers as profit centers, not standard pests. Sure, they’ll likely have made a huge mess; and yes, they will behave very rudely. But know that each mare that comes onto your property will typically give birth in 3-4 weeks to a litter of multiple foals, with most birthings yielding 3-5 fluffies. These babies are adorable and innocent in the eyes of most children and passersby, and are easily sold for $10-20, depending on coloration and species.
But aren’t Foals in a Can cheaper? Can’t you just pick up some foals for a dollar each at a shelter or Fluffmart?
This is true! But what Foal-in-a-Can schemes, killhouses, and Fluffmart all neglect to tell you is that newborn fluffies are impressionable - just like the children that make up the largest portion of foal sales. One study showed that 84% of foal purchases were made by or for children, to be kept as pets. The typical Foal-in-a-Can lasts for just 2 weeks before dying of natural causes, while those retrieved from shelters and Fluffmart kill piles are often already irreparably traumatized or damaged. The lack of mummah’s milkies, huggies, wawm pwaces, and other creature comforts will result in foals whose sad experiences override their natural exuberance, resulting in lackluster pets. Your responsibly bred foals, however, can be sold before they even open their eyes, and before they become plagued with the “wowstest heawt-huwties” that dominate foals that’ve seen their siblings adopted out and mummahs killed for failure to continue birthing viable foals. When they become talkie-fluffies, your products will have the eager, happy demeanor characteristic of most pet fluffies. A happy pet makes a happy child, and a happy child makes a happy customer!
How much money do I stand to make from running a foal mill?
The typical suburban-dwelling feral herd consists of up to 4 mares and 3-5 stallions, plus any number of foals. If even one stallion survives their thoughtless incursion into your home, that will be sufficient to keep up all 4 mares constantly pregnant; each week will see a litter of 3-5 foals delivered, and when sold for $10 each, you can easily see a weekly return just by putting up a few posters around the neighborhood. Pegasi and unicorns can go for $20 and $30 each, respectively, while the ultra-rare alicorns are best sold to private breeders online and easily fetch $200 or more per unit.
By using our FluffCo Pillow Pal Starter Kit, you’ll have everything you need to:
-Pillow feral mares
-Mount pillowed mares to the FluffCo Milkbag Mummah Feeder-Litterbox Combo Rack
-Identify good breeding pairs for maximum profit
A weekly delivery of 4 pegasi foals, for example, can net $80 for just basic colors - when factoring in coat/mane/eye color combinations with far greater appeal, a single newborn pegasus can fetch $50-75, with a litter of these well-colored foals bringing in upwards of $200 per week for as long as they continue to be bred.
I’ve got the Starter Kit, pillowed the mares, and bred them with the stallion. Now how do I keep it going? Isn’t this going to be a lot of work?
Not at all! Any Fluffmart will sell many varieties and tiers of fluffy kibble, and even a lower-grade store brand will do for these purposes - remember, your goal is merely to keep the foals alive until sale, and mummahs will continue to produce milkies for babbehs no matter how little you spend on mummah’s nummies.
Apart from your daily refill of the pillowed mummah’s kibble tray - a single half-scoop will be sufficient - and weekly changing of the self-cleaning litter, your only real task is to make sure the chosen stallion doesn’t get himself into trouble. While some degenerates would choose to reward high-performing stallions with sketties, huggies, or even [TRIGGER WARNING: EXPLICIT CONTENT AHEAD] wub from daddeh [/TRIGGER], FluffCo knows the typical “dummeh hoomin” is simply too busy with real life to worry about shitrat trivialities. That’s why we’ve developed our own mix of Sweepy Chime Stawwion Nummies - kibble designed especially for mill stallions. Sweepy Chime is packed with all the nutrients a stallion needs to help mares keep churning out valuable babbehs, as well as a shot of sleeping medicine - your stallion will remain healthy and well-fed, and knocked out in his FluffCo Good Upsies Safety Carrier for the remaining 23.5 hours of the day.
3.2 Separation
While selling a chirpy babbeh before its eyes are opened is easy, what about talkie babbehs who’ve stuck around more than 3 days? Some will be reluctant to leave mummah, and their tears will evoke sympathy from potential customers. Here are a few common occurences and their solutions:
NUUU! Nu take babbeh ‘way fwum mummah! Babbeh nee’ mummah!
Remind the foal that they’re not leaving mummah; they’re getting a new mummah or daddeh, isn’t that exciting?! Their new parent will love to shower them with huggsies, miwkies, and other essentials of life.
Nu wan go wif nyu daddeh! Scawy!
A rejection out of fear of the customer is the most dangerous as it risks upsetting the other foals in the litter as well. Many home fluffy mill owners sell to people with a reputation as abusers, and fluffies seem able to pick up a scent of bad intentions from them. If a foal cowers in fear from its soon-to-be new owner, simply make them fear going back home with you even more. Tell it that mummah’s all out of miwkies and you don’t have any nummies either, but kind nyu daddeh does. Unless it wants to num poopies fowebah, it should go with nyu daddeh right away. This tactic typically works wonders on even recently-fed foals.
Can bwuddah/sistah go twoo?
While an excellent way to score an extra sale, many customers will be unwilling to buy more than one fluffy at a time, especially when dealing with more expensive ones. If a fluffy is concerned about leaving its siblings but nyoo daddeh/mummah doesn’t want to buy them, tell the babbeh its siblings can come visit. It is important to inform the customer that many solo-purchased babbehs will forget that they even had siblings on the ride to their new home, but any references to visitation can be curbed by false memory suggestion. “But you just saw them,” one could say, “They came to visit, and everyone had sketties. You were very happy. Now they’re back at their homes.” Roughly 70% of the time this will successfully implant the false memory and gudd feews of having spent time with their siblings, and the owner can resume their day as usual. Fluffy forgetfulness is a key part of manipulating their emotions and thus their behavior.
3.3 Mill Stoppage & Proper Disposal
If and when you decide to cease operating a foal mill, it is imperative that the fluffies be disposed of properly. Taking them to a FluffCo Reclamation Center is one free option, but if this is too far out of the way or inconvenient for the operator, it is necessary to “gib fowebah sweepies” to the fluffies you haven’t sold off. Remember - fluffies are pests, and the mess they made when they first entered your home can easily wind up in someone else’s if you simply dump them outside to fend for themselves.
About the Authors
FluffCo is an industry-leading producer of fluffies and fluffy accessories. Everything from kibble to carrying cases to bespoke fluffies themselves are produced by FluffCo. Design the fluffy of your dreams on FluffCo’s online-access bioprinter today!
Disclaimer
FluffCo does not endorse or support the Hugboxers Association of North America, an extremist group classified as terrorists by the United States. Any statements seen as supporting hugboxers in general or HANA in particular are coincidental. FluffCo donates 2% of its profits annually to the Bob Barker Speshuw Wumps Initiatve, a 501(c)3 organization dedicated to the removal and destruction of all speshuw wumps. Please spay and neuter your pets and shitrats.
