The Goddamn House Is On Fire
by Shiv
PART ONE: DENIAL
“Good night fwiends! Sweet dweams! Uni wuvs you!”
The ending theme for “Uni and Friends” played cheerfully to a chorus of squeaky giggles as five fluffy ponies collapsed into a ball of hugs and tickles. Two foals danced and played underfoot as Uni the Unicorn cavorted happily on the little television that hung from the brightly painted wall.
“Wuv Uni!” “Uni is fwuffy's bestest fwiend!” “Bye-bye, Uni! Fwuffies wiww see you soon!” they cheered.
“Time for bed, my fluffies!” Little Mummah called out warmly.
“Awwww!” the ponies cried. “Nu bedsie-time yet, Wittew Mummah!”
“Yes, bedsie-time. You all need a good night's sleep if we're going to make it to Jessie's house tomorrow to play with her fluffies.”
“YAY!” they biotoys cheered in shrill unison. “Wuv Jesssie! Wuv Fundew and Bowt!”
“'Dey funny an' nice!” one fluffy exclaimed. Coal black with a red mane, he revelled in his bedtime huggies from Little Mummah.
“I know they're nice, Smiley. And they've missed you so much! Thunder and Bolt will be delighted to see you... but you have to go to sleepy-time first.”
“Otay, mummah,” he said, eyes turned down sadly. “Smiwey gu sweepies...”
Little Mummah gently picked up the little black stallion and smoothed down his flank's luxurious luff. She set him into his little blanket nest and watched as he wriggled down into the softness. Standing up, she wryly watched two pastel fluffies waddle madly away from their bed.
“Come on, guys. No sense trying to hide.” Amused, she stepped towards the wayward animals.
“Nu!” a yellow mare cried from beside her green mate as she desperately tried to squeeze her chubby bulk behind three small building blocks. “Nu wan' sweepies!”
“Don't start this again.” Little Mummah replied firmly. “Lemon! Lime! You need to set a good example for your foals! Gather up Muffin and Cupcake and come over here right now!”
Sulking, tears starting to dribble down her fat cheeks, the saffron mare picked up a green colt by the scruff of its neck while her mate gathered up a diminutive yellow filly. Sensing their mother's upset, the two foals chirped shrilly and began to struggle. The parents slowly shuffled over to their family nest, heads down, sadness dripping from their every pore.
“Oh for the love of...” Little Mummah sighed, reaching down to take the minuscule foals.
“Nuu!” Lemon squawked again, pawing at Little Mummah's leg with her stubby hooves. “Babbehs too wittew for uppsies! Nee' fwuffy mummah, not Wittew Mummah!”
“I'm not taking them away from you,” the girl replied, annoyed. “They'll be waiting in your bed... If you ever manage to make it there.”
Huffing, the rotund fluffy waddled furiously towards the tangled nest. “Meanie mummah nu nee' steaw widdew babbehs fwom bestest mummah... babbehs NEE' mummah!”
Rolling her eyes, the girl gently set the two peeping foals down into their bed. She mused at how unlikely it must have been for a yellow mother and green father to have a yellow foal with a green mane and a green foal with a yellow mane. Genetics were weird, especially with fluffies. The brother and sister sure looked cute snuggled up together, though, even if their brat of a mother had made them cry.
The green stallion tugged gently at the leg of her pajamas.
“Fank yu, Wittew Mummah,” Lime said. “Wime gu sweepies wif babbehs now.”
The girl sighed. “Thank you, sweetie, for being such a sweetie. Sleep well.”
Tangling into a fluffpile, the yellow mare sullenly wrapped herself up with her mate. The tiny mirror-opposite foals cheeped and squirmed, working their way into the narrow spaces between their parent's fat legs. Within seconds the family had drifted off to sleep, their Gordian knot complete.
“And what about you cuties?” she asked the two remaining fluffies.
“Puffy and Cosmo awww weady fo' sweepies, Wittew Mummah!” a monochrome white mare with pink eyes responded.
“Cosmo supew happy abowt tomowwwow!” an orange mare with a purple tail added.
“Good girls!” Little Mummah chuckled. “Then all that's left are your huggies and kissies!”
The two fluffies giggled as their silly mummy made exaggerated smooches all over their faces. They hugged her tightly and cuddled down into their soft nestie as Little Mummah headed towards the door of their safe room.
“...Wittew Mummah?” called a tiny, whisper-soft voice.
The girl sighed. “Yes, Smiley?” As if she didn't already know.
“...Wittew Mummah weave de wight on?”
She shook her head. “Fluffies don't sleep well with the lights on, honey. You know that.”
A quiet sigh shivered through the only single bed in the saferoom. “Den... den maybe Wittew Mummah weave de nighty-wight on?”
“Alright. I know you're scared of the dark, Smiles.”
“Fank yu, Wittew Mummah,” the tiny voice responded. “Smiwey wuvs you.”
“I love you too.” The door clicked shut quietly and the fluffies begin to dream their simple dreams.
He and Uni were dancing in the sunshine. Dancing! With Uni! The alabaster mare's immaculate fluff shone in the brilliant summer light and her purple mane flowing and rippling along her perfectly muscled flanks. She was almost mischievous in her beauty, radiant smile glinting and tousled tail flicking about.
“Uni wuvs awww her fwuffy fwiends, Smiwey, but she wuvs yu most!”
“Weawwy?” the little black fluffy gasped, elated. “Smiwey wuvs Uni wif aww his heawt! Uni wuvs Smiwey too?”
“Of couwse, siwwy!” the beautiful white unicorn responded, smiling coyly. “Uni wan' Smiwey to be Uni's speshul fwiend!”
Special friends with Uni?! Impossible! Smiley thought.
The most beautiful, kindest, smartest, sweetest, wonderful fluffy in the world, and she wanted to be his special friend?! It was unthinkable!
Well... Almost unthinkable.
“Actuawwy...” Uni said, dipping her head shyly and exposing the full length of her slender neck, “Uni was finking... ummm, 'bout babbehs... now, mebbe? Smiwey make babbehs wif Uni now? If Smiwey nu am busy oh anyfing...”
Oh, Smiley was more than ready. He'd been dreaming of this for all the forevers! And now, he and Uni, mummah and daddeh! Special friends together!
“Uni and Smiwey haf bestest babbehs!” he jabbered breathlessly as he scrambled to the shining white unicorn's flank. “Haf so many babbehs dat Uni and Smiwey stawt own hewd, an' Smiwey be smawty fwiend, and Uni be speshul fwiend, an'... we wiv in fowest an' num gwassies an'... an'... fwowews... an'...”
But something was wrong: Uni was too tall! He knew that on Fluff TeeVee Uni the unicorn was a lot bigger than the fluffy friends that sang and danced with her, but he'd always assumed that was because they were dummy, runty fluffies. He wasn't a runt, though! He was a big fluffy!
“Wha' wong, speshul fwiend?” Uni asked. “Nu wike Uni nu mo'? Nu wan' gif speshul huggies?”
Panicking, Smiley leapt at the unicorn's flank, trying to find purchase for his smooth little hooves. “Nu pwobwem, speshul fwiend!” he called. “Smiwey gif speshul huggies wight away!”
“Huwwy up, speshul fwiend,” Uni said, sounding annoyed. “Uni nu can wai' fowebah!”
“Hu huuuuu!” Smiley cried, unable to find a grip on Uni's back. He scrabbled desperately at her silken fluff. “Smiwey twyin'! Smiwey twyin'!”
Unti turned her magnificent head and regarded him coldly.
“You're a stupid fluffy and no one loves you.”
“... wha'?” Smiley gasped, shocked, slipping backwards and landing hard on his rump.
Uni faced him squarely. Her pale visage, previously flushed with passion and glittering with mirth, was now disapproving and hard. Her eyes were narrowed and he could see how big her teeth were.
“You can't even give special hugs right. You're a stupid, ugly fluffy, and no one will ever love you.”
“Buh... buh... Uniiiii!” he sobbed, tears rolling freely down his muzzle. “Smiwey wuvs Uni! Why Uni say meanie 'fings to speshul fwiend?”
“You're so stupid and ugly that I bet you'll sleep forever tonight,” she hissed, moving her massive snout over his diminutive form. “Fuck you. Fuck you and your stupid, ugly herd.”
Uni didn't have fangs. Smiley had watched her giggle and smile lots of times and never seen any, so how could she have them now? Where had she gotten them from? How had he never noticed how horribly long and sharp-looking they were? Excitement forgotten, the little black fluffy shrank onto his haunches and covered his eyes with his hooves. His whole body shook with sobs.
“Buuu hu hu huu! Uni nu wuv Smiwey no mowe!”
“Ssssss,” he heard, and all he could think of were formless, hideous creatures slithering through cold, dead grass. “Sssssss... ssssSmiley....”
Against his better judgment, he peeked out from behind his hoofsies and had a momentary glimpse of a terrible animal with eyes for a mouth and mouths for eyes and a long black tongue that was wrapping itself around his chubby little tummy and oh nu it was pressing down on him and oh nu it was putting his head in its nummy-pwace and oh nu smiwey was gonna be nummies bu' fwuffy nu am nummies fwuffy am fwuffy pwease munstah nu kiww fwuffy oh nu ohnuohnuohSCREEEEEEEEE
“...EEEEEEEEEEE!”
Snapping awake, eyes wild and muzzle foaming, Smiley found himself pissing and shitting wildly as he bucked his stubby hind legs into the air. He didn't even realize that it was his own scream that had awoken him.
“Smiwey .. nu again...” A tired sounding voice echoed from the deep crevices of a nearby nest. “Jus' a bad dweam. Gu ba' tu sweepies.”
Little by little, Smiley began to bring himself under control. Shamefully, he realized that he'd made bad peepees and poopies all over his soft little bed. Little Mummah would be so disappointed in him! The meanie sleep-pictures came less often now than they used to, but one still snuck up on him every now and then. Little Mummah said that she understood, but he could tell that she didn't... Not really. Cleaning up after his accidents were such a terrible amount of work.
Sobbing, the little black fluffy tried to groom himself. Slinking over to the litterbox, he rubbed his rump into the rough gravel in an attempt to wipe more of the bad, bad poopies off. He knew that he'd need a bath (which was almost as terrible as the sleep-pictures themselves!), but he didn't want to have to yell through the safe room door for Little Mummah to wake up and make him smell pretty again. He loved her so much, and the longer she didn't know about the mess, the better.
Back at his beddie, Smiley looked left and right, trying to find a clean spot to sleep in. There was nothing. His rank feces spattered the cardboard walls, and his urine had left the blankets sodden. Sobbing harder, he climbed out and waddled quietly over towards the adjacent nest.
“Puffy?” he whispered. “You sweepies?”
“Yef.” came a grunted response. “Gu 'way.”
Hot, embarassed tears rolling down his little snout, Smiley tried again.
“Cosmo?” he mumbled hesitantly. “Can Smiwey sweep wif you? Smiwey's nestie nu smeww pwetty...”
A sigh echoed softly. “Huwwy up,” his big friend said. “Cosmo nee' sweepies.”
Delighted, Smiley clumsily hauled himself over the side of the cardboard nest and cuddled tightly againt Cosmo's flank.
“Fank yu, fwiend,” he said. “Smiwey wuvs yu.”
All Cosmo offered in response was an artless blat of flatulence and the resumption of her soft snoring.
Smiley smiled happily and nestled himself against his friend's fluff. Cosmo always smelled so nice! He didn't know how that could be, but it seemed like Little Mummah must give her bathies twice as often as everyone else! Her fluff was a soft orange, her mane was a vivid purple, and while some fluffies didn't think those were pretty colours together, he'd always thought Cosmo was beautiful. Other than Uni, she was the prettiest fluffy in the whole world!
He had just started to drift off into blessed sleepies when she nudged him sharply.
“Nu do dat,” she growled.
Completely unaware of what she was talking about and half asleep himself, Smiley ignored her.
“Nu!” Cosmo growled sharply, shaking the little black fluffy off her back.
“Wha'?” Smiley asked groggily. “Wha' wong?”
“Fwuffy nu fowwow wuwes!” she hissed, pushing him roughly away. “Nu speshul huggies in safe woom! Smiwey KNU dat!”
“Smiwey... Smiwey nu twy make speshul huggies!” he said groggily. “Smiwey jus' wan' sweepies!”
“Den wat DAT?!” Cosmo barked, pointing toward the black fluffy's abdomen.
Looking down, the black fluffy realized that not everything had been negatively affected by the Uni dream.
“Am... am sowwy, Cosmo! Didn' mean tu! Nu-nu stick bad, not Smiwey! Nu-nu stick nevew wisten!”
“If nu can behave,” the orange fluffy said, snorting haughtily, “Den fwuffy can sweep by himsewf.”
“Bu'...” Smiwey began.
“Nu! 'Nuff tawkies! Gu 'way! Bad fwuffies gu sweepie in dey own beddies!”
Mortified, Smiley slunk away towards his soiled corner of the room. He curled into a little ball with his nose touching the only tiny square of clean blanket left and tried his best to fall asleep, whimpers shaking his soft form.
Unable to drift off, Smiley idly scratched his hooves against the soft green carpeting, little body periodically clenching in a subdued sob. The last time he'd had a bad dream and screamed himself awake, Lemon had given him a terrible lecture about upsetting her foals with his howls. You simply did NOT want to get Lemon angry; she could be very, very scary when her babies were involved.
He was just starting to drift into a fitful parody of sleep when he noticed something from the corner of his eye. It... It didn't make any sense.
“Wha' dat?”he whispered to himself, standing up on his stubby legs and blinking the bleariness from his eyes.
He was sure that he'd seen something snaking its way through the air of the safe room, but it hadn't looked like a munstah that he was familiar with. It was... Well, it was like gray stringies that floated along, got longer, and then disappeared. They smelled funny; he wrinkled his nose at the pungent odour.
It seemed to be coming from the the warmie-hole in the floor. (Little Mummah called it a “wegister.”) During the cold white time forever ago, that's where all the warmies came up from that had kept the safe room snuggly and comfy. He and Cosmo had snuggled themselves to sleep more the once over its soft heat..
Now, though.. the little grey stringies kept slipping their way through it up towards the ceiling. The longer he watched the more there seemed to be. The smell had gotten stronger, too; it wasn't very nice.
Hesitantly, he softly clopped his way over to the nest that Cosmo shared with Puffy. The last thing he wanted was to anger the orange fluffy again, but the stringie-things were starting to scare him.
“C...Cosmo?” he whispered.
Nothing.
“Cosmo? Fwiend? Smiwey nee' hewp...”
“Hnngh,” came the sleepy reply. “Gu back tu sweepies, 'ou bad fwuffy.”
“Huuu...” the little black fluffy whimpered before raising his voice slightly. “Smiwey nee' hewp wif sumfing, Cosmo. Com' hewp, pwease.”
Slightly more awake, the orange fluffy sighed, stood, and shook herself primly. Her white nestmate rolled into her warm spot and resumed her delicate snoring.
“Wha' dis time, Smiwey?” Cosmo grumbled. “Uni nu am munstah, Wemon nu am munstah, Wittew Mummah weawwy nu am munstah.”
Cosmo's words trailed off as her eyes focused on the grey tendrils snaking their way up from the heating vent. She padded over and sat on her rump next to the heavily rubberized register, staring intently at the strange phenomenon.
“Cosmo haf'...” she started, flummoxed. “Haf' nu idea, Smiwey.”
“Smiwey nu wike snakey fwiends,” the little black fluffy responded. “Smeww funny. An'... woom feews... wawm? Mo' wawm?”
“Yef,” Cosmo replied, frowning. “Woom wawm.”
The first hints of panic beginning to set in, Smiley waddled to Lemon and Lime's nest.
“Wake up, fwuffy fwiends!” he squeaked. “Sumfing wong! Huwwy an' wakies!”
Lemon's chestnut eyes cracked open. “Babbehs nee' sweepies, Smiwey,” she growled. “'Ou bettew nu haf' bad dweamie 'gain.”
Blinking away her bleariness, she noted the tendrils of smoke snaking through the air. There was a heartbeat of silence before her massive defecation flooded the nest. Her foals awoke in a torrent of shit and terror.
“NU HUWT BABBEHS!” Lemon bawled, thrashing herself upright and bucking inexplicably at Lime. “NU HUWT! NU HUWT!”
“Wemon!” Smiley squeaked, splattered with shit and fury. “Wemon, cawm down!”
“EEEEE!” she screamed, splurting more feces against her diminutive green mate.
“Speshul fwiend!” Lime squawked, trying to wrap his hooves around Lemon and taking a buck to the chest for his trouble. “Speshul fwiend, nu munstahs! Nu huwt! Babbehs safe!”
Hammered by random blows and desperately shielding the terrified foals from his mate's hooves, Lime had largely calmed Lemon down when a hideous warbling noise screamed from outside the safe room. Its shrill roar pulsed from the darkness; the fluffy ponies lost the slim thread of control they'd reestablished and pressed their hooves over their ears, wailing and cowering in terror.
Seconds later, voices could be heard outside the door over the shrieking of the howl-munstah.
“Oh God! The kitchen's on fire!”
“Get Katie! I'll call 911!” shouted a deep voice.
“HEEEEWP!” cried the fluffies. “SABE FWUFFIES FWOM - “
A thick “whump” reverberated up through the floor and knocked the ponies to the carpet. The saferoom shook and the windows rattled.
“Forget 911!” someone called. “I have Katie! Let's go!”
Smiley heard heavy footsteps outside, but they didn't slow regardless of how loudly he squealed for help. They were there one instant and gone the next.
“PWEASE NU WEAVE FWUFFIES BEHIND!”
It hadn't helped. The humans had run from the smoke munstah and its terrible screams.
Tiny mind struggling, Smiley desperately sought a solution. He was no Smarty, but he'd been to the Great Outside before and he was pretty sure he could lead his little herd Outside through Little Mummah's housie. Without a doubt, they absolutely had to get the safe room door open first.
“FWIENDS!” he howled, trying to make himself heard over the Scream Munstah's terrible warbling. “Fwiends, hewp Smiwey! Get doow open, and fwuffies can wun weawwy fast to bestest outside!”
Lemon was no help, terror rendering her furiously incoherent, but Puff and Cosmo ran over to the little black fluffy and helped him push on the door. The three set their forehooves as high up as they could and, by pressing all of their weight forwards, felt the door flex in its jam. The minute gap that they opened in the door frame did little more than let fresh smoke in.
Coughing and gagging, their delicate eyes glistening with tears, the three fluffies pushed again. They could make the door move a hairbreadth, but it always clicked shut. They just weren't strong enough.
Sweltering in their dense fluff, the biotoys finally collapsed into a gasping mass. Having calmed down and helped their two foals onto their mother's back, Lime tentatively approached the three fluffies by the door. Lemon followed several steps behind
“Doow open?” Lime asked. “Fwuffies weave now?”
Hot rage flashing, Smiley leapt to his feet and squared off against the chubby green pony.
“Nu!” he hissed. “Nu weave! Fwuffies stuck hewe, and yu nu hewp! Yu stoopi, dummy fwufffy!”
The others gasped. Such language was unheard of! Little Mummah was going to have a fit when she found out what Smiley had said!
“If nu get out,” Smiley barked. “fwuffies gu fowebah sweepies hewe! Is hawt! Nu can bweave! Wisten to Smiwey!”
Waterworks starting, the other fluffies apologized to Smiley. Cosmo tried to draw him into a hug, but he pushed her away.
“Nu time fo' huggies! Nee' pwan!”
He looked around the saferoom desperately. The window was too high and the door wouldn't open. The closet had no exit. As the pleasantly painted room began to fill with smoke, he couldn't even see the happy yellow ducky pictures that danced along the bright blue wall; instead, there was only a deepening gray haze.
With mounting horror, Smiley realized that he and his friends were going to go forever-sleepies. Just like Uni had said.