Crimson entered the first room with the lackadaisical attitude of someone who was clearly only here because they had to be. He didn’t mind the whole being dead thing, the last thing he remembered before the ants was looking at his desecrated dick from where Spike and Rose got the best of him so he was happy not to have to live with that embarrassment.
Still, he would miss the killing, even if they were why he was in Fluffy Hell he enjoyed murder too much to let it go.
As he walked into the room, Crimson noticed two things right off the bat. The first was in the middle of the floor was a five by five board of alternating white and black rocks making the ground look like a chessboard – not that Crimson knew what a chessboard was.
The second, was that there was another Fluffy in the room.
It was a mare, a pink unicorn with a white mane, she was cowering on the side of the chessboard closest to Crimson, clearly distraught about something.
“Nu, Pinkie nu wan dis, Pinkie am bestesh mummah, wan bestesh babbehs bak.”
A voice from the ether spoke up. “Pinkie babbehs am on udda side of fwoow. Aww Pinkie hab tu du is wawk acwoss.”
Pinkie burst into tears. “Fwoow am tuu mean, Pinkie nu can git acwoss.”
“Yuw babbehs am waitin.”
Pinkie seemed to find a little resolve left in her, or maybe her desperation to find her foals override her fear, and she stepped out onto the first black rock.
Only to immediately explode in a violent display of viscera and gore, blood and organs splattered across the room. Crimson was about to ask what the hell was going on when he saw something, a small but unmistakable piece of pink Fluff was moving, but moving towards the blast zone instead of away from it.
Crimson noticed other parts moving as well, tricks of blood ran towards the place where Pinkie exploded, blown out organs bounced back into place as little by little, the remains of Pinkie all came back together, placing the pink unicorns back to where she was before she stepped on the block, and made her whole again.
Pinkie came back to life with a deep breath and a sudden burst of tears. “NU WIKE DUMMEH FWOOW! NU WAN NU MOWE HUWTIES! WET PINKIE GU NYO!”
Crimson rolled his eyes and stepped forward, already fed up with the pink bitch and her crying. As he approached the chequered board the flaming skull of The Iniquitous appeared.
“Cwimson, fow da fiwst task yu mush…”
“Git acwoss da fwoow by steppin on da wight bwocks. Yeh, yeh, Cwimson figa dat out awweady.”
The Iniquitous looked annoyed to have had the wind knocked out of his sails. “Weww… yes. Bu if Cwimson step on wong bwock…”
“Den Cwimson bwow da fuk up. Come on, Cwimson see dis awweady.”
“STOP INTAWUPTING ME!”
Crimson was picked up off the floor by some unseen force and thrown onto the board, naturally the one he hit was a wrong block and Crimson exploded. He felt a sudden rush of heat burst out of his body as every fibre of his being was stretch beyond its limits and sent flying across the room, only the pain didn’t stop, Crimson couldn’t move, he couldn’t see but he could feel, he could feel the agony of his ripped body being pushed away from him.
Then he felt the pain of it being pulled into him.
By the time he was whole again, Crimson swore he could still feel every piece of sinew and tissue in his body crying out, as soon he was able to he dropped to the ground and fought hard not to throw up.
The Iniquitous sneered at him. “Cwimson du weww tu wisten tu me neks time.”
And with that, The Iniquitous vanished, leaving Crimson and Pinkie to the task at hand. Pinkie was clearly too traumatised to do it again so Crimson stepped up, Pinkie had stepped on the block second from the top – if looking at the board from a top-down perspective – so Crimson took a chance and went to the very bottom block. He had a theory and wanted to test it out.
Holding his breath, not out of fear but out of not wanting to blow up again, Crimson took his first step and… nothing. Crimson was standing on the block, he’d picked the right one, the first part of his theory was correct, now he just had to follow through.
Crimson was used to fucking with Fluffies, it was something he enjoyed frequently when he was alive, so he was thinking about what he would do in this situation. The answer, make the most obviously unobvious pathway across in order to frighten the Fluffies into making the wrong choice.
For Crimson, that meant going diagonally.
Feeling a little bit braver, Crimson stepped out directly diagonally from his block, nothing happened, he was starting to feel good about his plan. Next block, diagonally again, nothing again. By this point another Fluffy would either be freaking out, thinking it can’t be that easy, or they’d have gotten this far on dumb luck and would just pick another block at random.
Thankfully Crimson wasn’t just any other Fluffy, he stepped forward diagonally once more, and again nothing happened. Behind him he could hear Pinkie shouting.
“Nyu fwiend gun sabe bestesh Pinkie.”
He rolled his eyes, unless Pinkie could remember the route she as gonna be stuck there forever and Crimson didn’t believe she would remember it.
With only one more block between Crimson and freedom, he took his final step and…
POP
He exploded, the pain lingered again before Crimson was brought back to life at the starting edge of the board. He didn’t even try to stop himself throwing up this time.
“Sneekee fukas.” Crimson grinned, of course there would be a final trap to trick him, he couldn’t believe he never thought of that. But still, now there was only two blocks to choose from when he reached the same point, 50/50 chance of blowing up. Crimson figured that even if he picked wrong, he could take blowing up one more time to find the exit.
Confidently, Crimson stepped out onto the first block again…
POP
And immediately blew up. This time he didn’t throw up but he felt his breath going haywire from the sudden shock.
“WHA DA FUK?!” Crimson was hurt, furious and a little bit frightened. How could he have gotten it wrong, did he step on the wrong block?
Carefully, Crimson positioned himself on the first block, the block he was safe, he slowly lifted his hood, placed it down onto the block.
POP
Again he exploded.
“FUKIN SHITEE FUKIN FING!” Crimson bellowed as he was brought back once more. “FUKAS CHANGE DA FUKIN BWOCKS EBEWYTIME? HOW DA FUK CWIMSON SUPPOSE TU DU DIS SHIT?!”
Crimson swore he could hear The Iniquitous laughing from the background, laughing at Crimson, at his anger, at his failure.
Of course, there was something else Crimson could hear as well.
“Huu, huu Pinkie neba git out of meanie woom, neba find babbehs. Bestesh babbehs need bestesh mummah, wet Pinkie weave dummeh woom.”
Crimson grinned, maybe he could use Pinkie after all. Sneaking around behind her, Crimson positioned himself so that there was a straight line between him, Pinkie and the board, then he took a running start and jumped on top of her.
Pinkie screeched, she could feel Crimson’s enlarged phallus against her special-place and took the completely wrong idea. “NUUU! Nu wan bad huggies, am mummah awweady.”
In a blind panic, Pinkie dashed and bucked around the room, trying desperately to throw Crimson from her, Crimson was enjoying the feeling of her thrashing but he had to focus on the task at hand. He kicked her in the side, moving her towards the board, Pinkie was too frazzled to realise what was going on.
By sheer luck, the first two blocks that Pinkie jumped on were safe, which only helped Crimson more as when she hit that third block, Pinkie exploded…
And Crimson used that momentum to propel himself forward, landing roughly on the other side of the board.
“YEH! FUK YU DUMMEH BWOCKS, CWIMSON BEET YU!”
The Iniquitous suddenly appeared, just as Pinkie rematerialised on the other side, scared and confused over what just happened. The Iniquitous stared angrily at Crimson.
“Dat nu how yu du task.”
“Dat how Cwimson du it, git acwoss, beet yu dummeh task.”
“Cwimson du dis pwopawy ow…”
“Nu.”
And Crimson ran off through the flaming door and onto the next task. The Iniquitous snarled, thinking of how to keep Crimson in line going forward.
Pinkie was left to cry on her own, still wailing about her missing babies, never once figuring out that she was in Fluffy Hell and would never see them again.
