[Interior. Executive office.]
“So it’s an adapter that couples a foal-in-a-can… with a pocket pussy?”
”Exactly. It’s 3D printed, costs next to nothing to manufacture. We’ll make MSRP $39.99 but perpetually have them on fifty percent sale.”
“Do I even want to ask… what it does?”
“Exactly what you think. The customer uses the sex toy as per usual, and the foal-in-a-can acts as a receptacle for the biological matter. It’s a really creative way to drown a small horse.”
”Truly horrifying. Are we taking a swing at the sex toy itself?"
“Profit margins are too slim, primarily since conventional sex toys don’t have similar components to any of our current products. Of course we couldn’t slap a company logo on them either, so we’d be talking shell corporations and various other tax hurdles. It’s a no-go.”
"Noted. Estimated market share of this adapter or coupler or whatever?”
”Both the hugbox and abuse markets are growing along predicted analytics. Sexual abuse has always been one of the largest subsets of this side of the market. This product is easily one of the lowest risk in our inventory, as it’s combining two products that already exist. Overhead is less than two percent. Prototypes are already shipped to our product testers, should be ready for a roll out at the start of next quarter.”
”Fucking A, hell of a way to start the meeting. Looks like our abuse department put a point on the board early! Let’s hear from the hugbox department. Sam, what do you have for us?”
”Micro condos”
[groans]
”Micro fluff sales are in the shitter-"
”It has nothing to do with Microfluffs!”
”Then the name is confusing, Sam. Confused branding is bad branding. Start over.”
”okay… uh, Mini Condos.”
”Perfect. Go on.”
“Alright, they are set-and-forget shelters. Built on the cheap, but designed to seem sturdy. Double walled corrugated cardboard. Selling to hugboxers as an alternative to regular boxes for feral fluffs to live in.”
”Okay… I see the broad appeal here, but I’m not sold yet. Keep going.”
”There’s two different add-on kits that will be sold on shelves next to the condos. The City Living add-on will make the condo stand out, giving it a bit of personal flair. House numbers, little fake mailbox, shit like that. The Undercover add-on is the opposite, supposed to help the condo blend in to the surroundings. Camo netting, some earth colored spray paint, maybe some fake biohazard sticks… although we’re still running that one by Legal.”
”Alright so this is for the hugboxer that wants to help ferals, but not enough to take them home. Cost analysis?
”Low. It’s functionally a stencil we’re adding to bulk material we’re already purchasing. A condo will MSRP at $19.99, add-ons are ten dollars each.
“Estimated market share?”
”Highest in liberal cities. Denver, Seattle, Portland. Think of any city that has those vigilante fluffy protection groups. That‘s where this idea really takes off. City sales. Cities and towns will buy these to ‘beautify’ parts of the town that have gone to shit with fluffy infestations.”
”Government contracts! Now we’re talking. Give me some numbers.”
”The government models would be made of slightly thicker cardboard. Reinforced triple-walled, the same stuff our palletized cargo comes delivered in. We already order it in bulk. Stencils would be specific to the city, can include the city flag and even a spot to display municipal ordinances against fluffy abuse.”
”Oh fuck, I can feel it. Can you guys feel it? This is a winner. Give me some numbers though.”
”Units will cost approximately $35 to produce. We will charge the cities $5,000 per unit and offer maintenance services at an extra cost. Maintenance will consist of replacing the unit yearly or sooner if it’s broken.”
[various overlapping voices, shouting]
”No-fucking-way they are gonna pay-“
”Austin, Texas already ordered a trial run of 100 units. Delivery slated for next week. Suck it, Abuse Department.”
“This is horseshit, Frank, and you know it. City contracts aren’t fair. What city is gonna buy abuse products? Fucking… Philadelphia?”
”Tough shit Alex, Team Hugbox scored a point, fair and square. It’s tied up one-to-one. You’re up. What do you have for us?”
“Medieval Classics. Wood and iron torture devices, scaled down to be fluffy sized. Initial release will consist of an Iron Maiden, a Gibbet, a Breaking Wheel, and a stretching rack. A new device will be released every month in limited quantity. Next ones to be released are a Scold’s Bridle and a Pear of Anguish."
“Pear of Anguish? Do I even wanna know?”
“Don’t Google it on a work computer, that’ll all I’m gonna say.”
“Noted. Alright, give me some numbers.”
“They’re wood and iron. Made cheap, polished up to look good. The wood is some shit quality reject lumber, but it’s grown here in the USA, so there’s a solid tax write-off right there. The metal looks like iron but it’s really pot-metal shit from India. Metal parts will be manufactured over there, and the devices are assembled stateside.”
“You’re having American workers assemble a product? No way these things are selling for under… lemme guess… $80 each?”
“MSRP is $99.”
“Estimated Market Share?”
“Estimated at ninety percent. The marketing will capitalize on the near-heirloom quality of the product, as well as the return-to-classics factor. Many abusers are getting burnt out on the high-tech devices on the market. Two thousand dollar sad boxes with hologram projectors will pale in comparison to an actual honest-to-God Iron Maiden. Additionally, these Medieval Classics devices are all designed not just to torture but to kill. Our focus group data suggests that the kill is the most coveted moment for an abuser. These weirdos are like… I dunno, tantric sex freaks or something, and the kill is like their version of busting a nut. This product provides the ultimate tease prior to the kill.”
“I’m gonna give you guys a point Alex, but I’ve got my reservations about this one. No way ninety percent is realistic, it’s just too fucking pricey. Abusers have the motivation, but huggers have the money. Okay, Team Abuse is up two-to-one. Sam, what do you guys have next?”
“Fluffy car seats.”
“Got a cute name for them yet?”
“Design is calling them “Fluff Riders” but that’s not been approved by Marketing, obviously.”
“And it shouldn’t be. Fluff Riders sounds like a gay porn for fat hairy guys. Alright, continue.”
“The commercial is being filmed next week. Picture this: A father takes his daughter to a FluffMart. The pair buy the most photogenic fluffy you could possibly imagine. All smiles, happy music, completely upbeat. They go to the car. Dad in the front seat, daughter in the back. She’s holding the brand new fluffy, in a cardboard box, on her lap. The dad pulls out of the parking lot and drives through an intersection. The camera cuts to the interior of another vehicle. Visually, it’s clearly the antagonist vehicle. It’s a pickup truck, the driver is smoking a cigarette, the whole nine yard. Well this jerk-off runs a red light. The two vehicles collide. Cut to a slow motion interior shot of the sedan cabin as the dads seat belt functions properly, and the little girls car seat functions properly, but the fluffy box flies out of her hand and through the windshield.”
“Oh. Fuck.”
“Yeah, that’s what we’re going for. The unwritten message is, of course, if you don’t buy our product you are a monster and your fluffy will die. However, there’s also a practical component to the product as well.”
“Hit me”
“Cup holders.”
“Cup holders?”
“The car seats are designed for the rear seat, but most people allow their fluffs to ride in the front seat. These devices will come standard with two cup holders, right on the front. Now, the cup holders were designed for holding portable water dispensers for the fluffs. Turns out, in every single fucking beta test, the drivers were using the cup holders on these car seats for themselves.”
“Don’t cars already have cup holders? Like… a shit-load of them?”
“Yeah but that’s where people put their cell-phone, or their other shit they carry everywhere. I’m not bullshitting you Frank, these fucking cup holders are gonna be a selling point.”
“I don’t buy it. Cost analysis and estimated market share?”
“These things are dirt cheap to make, obviously we’re gonna have the chinks sew them together wherever is cheapest. DOT and NHTSA don’t give a fuck about safety ratings for a car seat for a toy horse, so there’s no red tape costs like there is for real car seats. Market share is high, predictably, and we’re going to have our social media sock puppet accounts run a guilt campaign. You’re basically an abuser if you don’t buy one of these things.”
“I’m giving the hugbox department a second point simply because that commercial is going to do all the heavy lifting for you. Mark my words, the cup holders will be a gimmick. Alright, it’s tied up two-two. Alex, let’s see if your Abuse Team can pull off a hat trick.”
“Alright, this one’s a grounder. It’s an Easy-Bake oven designed to cram fluffy-foals inside. It’s marketed towards the abuser with a family. You wanna get your kids in on the fun, but you don’t want them playing with your power tools or caustic chemicals. Introducing: Babbeh Cakes! You dip the foals in water, roll them in various colored confectionary sugars, and toss them into this little plastic box with a sixty watt lightbulb inside. Thirty minutes later, you have a cooked foal disguised as a treat, ready to be fed to its mother!”
“That is truly despicable and I love you bastards for it. Give me the deets.”
“R&D costs are non-existent, the Easy Bake Oven was made by Kenner Products, and we bought them a few years back. We’re literally just talking changing the color palette of the oven and printing a different cardboard box to package it in. It’s an easy win, Frank. Estimated market share is on the low end, just below forty percent. Turns out most abusers don’t have kids, thank God.”
“I want to give you a point for this, so bad, but I can’t”
“What? What the hell, Frank?”
“New legislation in the works. God damn Feds are using Child Protective Services to investigate parents that are teaching fluffy abuse to children.”
“What the fuck? When was this announced?”
“It’s not public knowledge yet, and it might not even get proposed, our lobbyists are shilling hard but there’s only so much we can do. I don’t want to greenlight a product that’s going to potentially pulled from the shelves in a few months. Bench this idea, it’s solid, but this isn’t the time for it.”
“Fucking hell-”
“Alright. Sam. Chance to win it all! What’s your teams final idea?”
“Fluffy Bath Time playset. It’s a white plastic tub, has some screw on claw feet for aesthetics. Comes with a hairbrush, some play soap, a rubber ducky. Bath toys. Shit we already make.”
“Sell me on it. Is it for actual baths, or?”
"The product can get wet, yes. Commercials will encourage the purchase of two units, one for the saferoom for harmless ‘dry play’, to let the fluffs get used to the idea of the bath. The second unit would be for use inside of an actual bathtub, so less water is used per bath. There’s an environmentalist angle we can exploit if needed.
“Nice.”
“Focus group testing for hugboxers showed that the urge to help fluffies overcome their fear of water is among the most important, right behind saving ‘alicorns’ and brown fluffies from infanticide.”
“Numbers.”
“We’re looking at a $49 MSRP, we take just under twenty dollars per unit shipped. Additional bath toys and supplies to be released the following quarter. Estimated market share expected to be eighty percent on the low-end. Fluffies contantly need baths, so bath related products are in high demand.”
“It’s not sexy, but it works. Alright Sam, you guys pulled it off. Three for three.”
“This is bullshit, Frank. We had no idea about that legislation you’re talking about, how were we supposed to know-”
“Tough titties, Alex. Sam’s boys won fair and square. Sam, you know what that means.”
“Oh, yes I do!”
“You won the coveted prize.”
[laughter and cheering]
“So, what’ll it be? What are we doing for lunch?”
“Our team decided on Masala Burger.”
“Masala Burger! Good choice. Alex, any objection.”
“No, boss. That was actually going to be our choice as well.”
[laughter]
“Alright boys, get some orders from your teams, Hasbio will be picking up the tab today. We’ll call it a work lunch.”
[Doors close. Voices fade.]
