She was a lovely neighbour, no doubt. Kindly old lady with a heart of pure cane sugar. I mean, what more could you ask for in a neighbour?
Shame was that her pet fluffy was a total rebel. A fat little unicorn with white fur and orange mane. Name was Comet, and this little dude was a total badass.
Challenged his owner on literally every little thing. Contrarian, I guess you could call him. I’d hear his squealing at his “mummah” from my backyard spot near the woods almost every day, like clockwork. Yesterday was a tantrum over wanting a special friend. Comet begged, then demanded a new fluffy in the house he could mate with, but mummah told him over and over again that she simply couldn’t afford to keep more than one fluffy.
“Guuh! Dummeh mummah nu undewstan! Comet nee’ speciaw fwend, be-cawse am big fwuffy nao! Nee’ hab speciaw fwend an’ Babbehs an-”
“No, Comet. It isn’t happening. I can barely afford to feed you as it is”
“HATCHU! COMET HATCHU DUMMEH! HUUUHUUU wowst heawt huwties…”
Badass.
Anyway enough of that. What matters is that our little friend here was an entitled overdramatic fun-sized McDumbass supreme.
And that fact was not lost on me. He was also horny little goon with a raging libido. I’d hear him making those weird “enf” noises fluffies make while humping the ever living tar out if any given fluffy toy in the backyard.
I mean I know natural ambience itself is literally just animals screaming “WANNA FUCK?!” on loop, but Comet’s steamy affairs didn’t exactly cushion the airwaves. Basically, I am irritated on a near-daily basis by Comet and his demands of a sexual partner to feed his fluffy ego and libido, two of his ugliest traits. Like an illegitimate king demanding a personal harem of exotic concubines.
But like, a fluffy version.
So on went the reign of king Comet, virgin ruler of the backyard, his empty kingdom. I, being a pretty chill guy in most respects, didn’t really give a damn and let things run their course next door.
Except I didn’t. At all.
I had actually been planning something for a while now. A very elaborate plan. One that would be so cathartic and hysterical that even my own moral misgivings were shelved.
I had recently bought a trinket of my own from the local fusion Chinese Restaurant/Fluffmart.
(No relation, surely).
A Hasbio-brand “SpecialFluff” mare doll, a cutesy-titled fluffy sex doll with very realistic features indeed. Realistic biology, 11 steamy voice lines which played automatically in relation to uh… use. And best of all, a zip-open belly which was used to remove or modify certain parts. An interior which, as it happened, was just big enough for another item of mine.
Let’s see what happens then, eh?
Now, I had this plan thought out to a t. I mean I put this plan together like a dang symphony. Every aspect was thought out perfectly.
Comets owner left every day between 9:30 And 8:00, leaving her back door cracked as to allow Comet access to the backyard. A luxury he was, shocker, ungrateful for.
I had spent the night putting together Comets “speciew fwiend” in my garage, and now she was ready for use. Plugging the modified doll into a nearby outlet next to the back door, I cracked the door and positioned the doll halfway out the door, fake genitals on full display like a true mare in heat. After that, I sneakily crafted a nice fluffy-sized hole in the fence separating our gardens with the help of a hacksaw and a few good whacks with a hammer. It was literally a portal of splinters but something told me that Comet might not be too upset over that. But if he was? Bonus.
Now all I had to do was wait. And I didn’t have to wait long. At around 11:00 am, I heard Comets routine of batting a ball around his yard while sulking to himself.
"Guhhh… Dummeh mummah. Dupid DUPID mummah… Comet fine’ speciew fwend on own… soon… huuuhuuu… sniff "
A true-blue American hero. Not giving up on his dreams without a fight. Everybody put down your sticky phones and laptops and salute. Right now.
There was silence for a moment. Then…
“Enf, enf, enf, enf, enf… guuuhhh speciew fwieeeeend… enf enf!”
My boys going at it like a pornstar back there, probably ruining another poor stuffed toy. His new pretend speciel friend of the week. Perfect. Now, to give him something he really wants…
BZZT
“Hewwo! Fwuffy wub yu!”
Silence.
“…Hewwo?” Squeaked Comet from over the fence.
“Fwuffy wub yu, speciew fwiend!”
“Dat am oda fwuffy oba dewe?! Am Comet! B-be nyu speciew fwiend?..”
…
“Fwuffy wub yu!”
Completely oblivious to the repetitive, dry tone of the machine, Comet could be heard panting and scratching the fence wildly.
“Whewe awe yu, speciew fwiend?! Nu can see yu!!”
Silence.
I heard Comet become increasingly more frantic when no response was heard.
“Nu can cwimb obah fencie!! Howd on, speciew fwiend! C-Comet am comin!!”
Damn. He went from sex king to babbling desperate rat the second he heard the voice of a mare. I’m really disappointed too. This guy was supposed to be a stud.
It took what felt like three years of whining and scrabbling but eventually he found the hole.
That’s funny. Laugh.
“Comet comin’, speciew fwiend!! Am comin’!!”
I watched from a the crack in the door as Comets ugly fat mug squeezed through the hole, struggling to squeeze his gigantic greasy ass through. He succeeded through the power of sheer fluffy boners and eventually popped out, landing on his face.
I expected him to waddle immediately over to his “prize”. But he just sat up on his fat ass and clutched his fat snout with his useless legs.
“hhhhhhhuuuuuhuhuuuhuuu! Nosie huwtieeeessss…”
Watching him sit there whimpering obliviously was seriously disheartening. It was at this point that it occurred to me that Comet might not be the sex god of pure energy and masculinity I knew him as. After he eventually (And I do mean eventually) got over his traumatic injury (and possibly the closest thing to pain he’d ever actually felt in his little life), his huge greedy eyes scanned his surroundings wildly for his lady love.
“Whewe am speciew fwiend?? Comet am hewe, speciew fwiend!!”
Like a Shakespearean romance, his call to love was answered when he at long last spotted the ever so obvious and presenting mare peeking out the door, nethers calling his very name.
His eyes lit up with the fire of a thousand horny virgins and he broke into a hilarious bouncing waddle in my direction, squealing sweet loving as his fat roly poly self bounded towards us at breakneck speed.
“SPECIEW FWIEND!! BESTEST ENFIE FWIEND!! WUV YU!! WUV WUV!!!”
The laugh I had to hold back at this pathetic yet somehow incredible sight must have actually done some internal damage. ENFIE FWIEND. Who says chivalry is dead?
With the horny rocket approaching fast (Not really fast, but fast in terms of an obese rat-pig-horse-thing), I slunk behind the door, keeping a firm grip on the front half of the doll, which apparently wasn’t important to Mr. Fuckmaster Thundercock. My guess is that this was the first time he’d ever seen a woman.
Panting and grunting, he waddled closer, hunger in his eyes and he was also visibly at full mast. Which was maybe the size and length of a baby carrot, if you were being generous.
Comet reached his lover and without so much as a formality, he immediately mounted the doll and slammed himself balls deep inside. What a fucking legend. This activated the doll and it began to spit out voice lines in unison with Comet himself.
BZZT
“Enf enf enf enf”
“Comet feew gud… feew guuuud!”
“speciew fwend am suuu gud enfies”
“W-weawy?! Guh! Am bestest… am bestest!”
“enf enf enf enf enf”
“Wuv enfieesss…! Speciew f-fffwiend gon gib Comet babbehssss!”
“wuv speciew fwiend!”
“Comet wuv yu! WUV YUUuuuu!”
This was, as you can imagine, a very disturbing experience for me. Especially since I was literally holding the thing this little pig was humping. At least It would be, if it weren’t so fucking hilarious. All this blubbering of wub and Babbehs as if he were actually fucking a mare. It was so gross yet so hilarious. But the best part was yet to come. And sure as I thought, I heard those magic words…
“GUD FEEWS! GUD FEEWS! GUD FEEEEEWWWWWSSSS!!!”
I clenched my fist.
“-Bestest fee-! SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-!!!”
Yeah. I had modified the doll so that between it’s legs had more space to fit something.
My hair straightener. My burning hot, clamping hair straightener.
“REEEAAAAAAAAEEEEAAAAAAAAA!!! SCREEEE!!!”
His cock was clamped in the burning grip of the hair straightener, so tightly he couldn’t even move his hips. The pain Comet was in could never be fully described or understood. He was balls deep in Satan’s pussy.
As he screamed louder than I had ever expected a creature of his size to be able to, I emerged, hand still gripping the doll, and laughed like an idiot. He shit himself with the force of a rocket as he jerked around.
Smoke and burnt fluff filled the air as Comet screamed into space, spazzing with tearful wild eyes as his ugly piggish maw rattled with squealing agony. I could literally hear his cock sizzling as he started to violently jerk back and forth trying to escape his lovers vice grip on his burnt, bleeding shaft. He wriggled pathetically, each movement intensifying his shrieking as he broke into a coughing fit from his own cocksmoke.
The smell was indescribable. It seemed of burnt hair, sizzling meat and fluffy spunk. But I didn’t care. I just sat there gripping it harder and harder as Comet struggled through blinding shock and unknowable pain, squealing like a pig from hell.
“EEEEEEEEEEEEE!! STAAAAAAAAAHPHUUUUUHUUUUHUUUU!!! GASP REEEEEEEEEEEEHEEEHEEHUUUUUU!”
Comet fought like a wild animal as he tried with all of his strength to escape this torture. He wriggled and struggled and thrashed, but to no avail. After five minutes of laughing and screaming and burning, Comets voice gave out and he was reduced to pathetic squeaks as he tried breathlessly to scream. Watching him struggle was hilarious, but what if…?
I let go of the doll, thus loosening my grip on the hair straightener. Comet thrashed one last time.
Crack crunch sizzle
Comet flew backwards squealing. He landed on the concrete on his back. And to add insult to injury, he fell right into the pile of shit he’d created. Which was when he noticed…
The burnt, sizzling, smoky red patch where his cock once was. I looked down to realize that what had once been his dick was now a charred fleshy black mess sticking my hair straightener shut.
Comets eyes widened and he shook violently as suddenly, a scream so loud it could shatter a rock erupted from his fat, greasy face.
“…-eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”
His cock was gone. Which to Comet must be been like having his brain removed. The horror on his face and the heartbreak and shock in his voice were so delicious I couldn’t even speak. It was a thing of beauty.
Comet passed out, his system overloaded with pain he wasn’t built for. He lay there, a fat cockless little sizzling pig. Just what I always wanted.
After that, I snuck into my neighbours house, holding the shit-covered Comet in one hand and the removed hair straightener in the other.
I entered the kitchen, deliberately dumping the unconscious eunuch on the floor. I then unplugged the toaster on the counter and put it on the floor next to Comet. I then uh… deposited the burnt remains of what used to be Comets dick into the toaster.
So now Comets owner would come home thinking the little idiot tried to fuck the toaster. A misbehaviour which, if a certain internet fluffy owners blog is to be believed, was most commonly solved by having the fluffy pillowed.
Like I said, I thought of everything. I left Comet there, bleeding and covered in shit. He was no longer my problem. And hey, if the owner had a problem, she shouldn’t have adopted the piece of shit.
But for now? I guess I’ll go have a beer.