Claire wiped some sweat from her forehead and checked her hair was correct.
“You’ve got this.” Julia (from product design) assured her. Dave (the marketing guy) nodded, and smiled.
“The product’s a shoe-in, there’s nothing to worry about, Claire. Just give 'em the facts.” He said.
Claire nodded back, silently noting that they weren’t the ones having to go before an entire board and pitch a new product, it was easy for them to say things like that.
But Claire was the head of their team, and if she wanted her career to work, she was going to have to get used to pitching new products eventually. Fortunately her three-person team’s first (and so far, only) development had been a stroke of genius.
Claire took one last breath, tucked the white cardboard box under her arm, and stepped through the double doors, striding into the board room behind a shield of phony confidence.
She took her place standing at the head of the table, feeling numerous eyes on her, and began her pitch.
“Good day to you all.” She opened. “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m not going to waste your time. You’re busy, I’m busy, let’s just get to the point.”
A chuckle echoed around the board. A good start.
“One of the biggest dangers that fluffy ponies face are, astonishingly enough, other fluffy ponies. Be it bullying due to differences in coat colors, or alicorns being considered ‘monsters’, an obnoxious ‘smarty’ trying to assert dominance, or even just a promiscuous partner wanting to be more than friends… there’s no end to the amount of misery and trouble that can be caused by other fluffies interacting with your own. As such, myself and my team have put together a new product we believe will solve this issue once and for all.”
She opened the cardboard box and placed both of her hands in it, gripping what was inside.
“Members of the board, I give you… the Owie-Vest.”
She lifted her hands, revealing she was holding what looked like a jacket with four holes for legs (the same kind of thing that would fit a small dog) made from black fabric, except it was covered in bright red plastic spikes on the outside, giving it an appearance of a hedgehog costume.
Claire reached to the intercom and pressed it briefly.
“Julia, please bring in the fluffy.” She said. A moment later the doors opened and Julia walked in, carrying a fluffy pony in a clear plastic box. The board members noted the fluffy had been fitted with one of their own trademarked anal corks.
The boxed fluffy was left on the table, and the assistant departed. Claire reached into the box and withdrew the fluffy, who seemed uncharacteristically shy around the many staring faces.
“Everyone, this is Mittens, our brave little fluffy who’s going to demonstrate the Owie-Vest for us.” She said. Mittens didn’t say anything. “Don’t mind him. He’s a little shy, we’ve had to test this a lot of times.”
Clarie placed Mittens on the table and began to carefully place the vest around his body, talking as she adjusted the straps and pulled the zips.
“Simply put, this vest is designed to protect the fluffy wearing it from any kind of attack from rival fluffies. Once attached to a fluffy’s form, the plastic spikes will deter any attempts at ‘sorry hoofises’.”
She stepped back, revealing she was done. Mittens was now wearing the Owie-Vest, which covered all of his body, exposing only his legs, head, and a small portion of his rear (just enough to still use the bathroom without making a mess of the Owie-Vest).
“Now, if I may,” Claire said, reaching for her laptop and tapping a key, starting a video displayed on the projector screen. The video displayed a montage of clips featuring Mittens (wearing the Owie-Vest) and several other fluffies. In each clip a fluffy would attempt to do something to Mittents (kick him, bite him, or even rape him), but every time the offending fluffy would be deterred by the vest.
“The spikes are made from hard plastic,” Claire explained as the video played. “With points designed to be sharp enough to sting, but not so sharp as to actually break the fluffy’s skin. With the Owie-Vest on your fluffy, other fluffies will be incapable of actually hurting it without hurting themselves more. Not only that, but the vest prevents either giving or receiving of ‘special huggies’, as the spikes will drive into the participant’s body and force them away. No more unwanted foals, whether the wearer is male or female.”
The video ended. Mittens had begun nervously walking around the table, still saying nothing, as the board members took stock of how the product looked ‘in action’.
“It doesn’t hurt the animal?” One member asked.
“As long as the straps are fitted correctly, no, there’s no pain or discomfort of any kind.”
“‘As long as’?” The same member asked with a raised eyebrow. Claire quietly seethed.
“Yes, in the same way that, as long as a dog owner doesn’t feed their dog rat-poison, the dog will live a happy and healthy life. As long as the owner properly adjusts the straps to ensure the vest fits their fluffy correctly, then there’s no risk of any injury.”
“What about shame or embarrassment?” Another member asked. “Wouldn’t wearing something like this prompt more bullying between fluffies?”
“Not in our tests.” Claire replied. “When fluffies bully, they aren’t content to just point and laugh, they get a desire to punish the misfit, and will attempt to do so in the usual ways. Beating, kicking, biting… the Owie-Vest is specifically designed to halt that. Once that ability has been removed, we’ve found that the bullying stops rather fast.”
After that, the usual questions followed. Cost of production, materials required, would it be bio-degradable, etc… but eventually, the board was pleased overall. The Owie-Vest would be cheap to make, easy to sell, and had enough of a practical use that no self-respecting owner would dare be without one.
Claire smiled as the product was finally approved.
It really had been a shoe-in after all.
One week later…
“Guys, we have a problem.” Dave said as he entered the office. Claire looked up from her sales reports regarding the Owie-Vest. It had been selling like hot-cakes, she had been convinced it was a success… but it was still early enough for a problem to sink it entirely.
“What’s up?” She asked.
“Have you heard yet? About the Owie-Vest?” He asked them.
“Nothing specific, did something happen?”
“Oh yeah, yeah something happened alright.” Dave said, sitting at his desk and starting up his browser. He opened a Youtube page, and after a minute of typing and clicking, turned his monitor so the others could see it.
The page was showing a Youtube video. The title read ‘HILARIOUS NEW FLUFFY TORTURE’. Dave clicked ‘play’. The video depicted a bunch of frat bros jumping up and down like some kind of cult ritual, chanting and whooping and laughing, all circled around a small fluffy pony which looked like it was wearing something. The camera was constantly shaking around, but between shakes, the team caught glimpses of the fluffy.
It seemed as if it was wearing something, some kind of black jacket or vest around itself… but it couldn’t have been the Owie-Vest, there were no red plastic spikes visible. Unless…
“Oh god.” Claire whispered. “They didn’t.”
“They did.” Dave grimly replied. “The entire internet is abuzz with it. People are buying our Owie-Vest not to deter abusive fluffies from their pets, but to discipline their own unruly brats, by turning it inside out and making them wear it as a punishment.”
Dave clicked onto another video with a similar title as the last. Once again the team saw a fluffy pony wearing some kind of black vest and looking miserable, but there were no red plastic spikes visible…
Because the spikes were on the inside, and were currently digging into the fluffy’s body. The Owie-Vest was being put onto fluffies inside out, so the spikes drove into the body of the wearer, rather than protecting them from external attacks.
“No way.” Claire said, watching as the fluffy in the video began to cry, trying to walk on shaking legs as pain wracked it’s body. “There’s no way this is happening.”
“It gets worse.” Dave said, clicking onto the next tab. It was another Youtube video, but of a completely different calibre. This one was of a product review… specifically, a review of the Owie-Vest itself. The video had been run ahead to a certain point and paused, the image resting on a fat neckbeard wearing a sweat-stained Fluttershy t-shirt that was far too small for him to wear, his mouth open in mid-shout.
Dave clicked the play button.
“-and as if the horrible colours weren’t bad enough,” The reviewer bawled. “It only protects the fluffy’s BODY, not the legs or the head! You understand what I’m saying? If you put this thing on a fluffy pony, in order to PROTECT it from other fluffy ponies, all you’re going to do is encourage them to ATTACK YOUR FLUFFY PONY’S HEAD! Guys, c’mon, really? I mean, REALLY?! Fluffy ponies aren’t exactly STRONG, but their bodies are a hell of a lot more damage-resistant than their HEADS are! Putting a fluffy pony in this ‘Owie-Vest’ is just ASKING for it to get a triple concussion with a side order of skull-fracturing!”
Dave paused the video as the reviewer began thanking his Patreon supporters by name, and turned to face the group.
“Here’s how I see it.” He said, clasping his hands in front of his face. “We have two options here. One, we recall the product and hang our heads in shame by admitting we were wrong. Or two… we rebrand the Owie-Vest and market it as a punishment device instead. That way we save face, and the product continues to sell. What do we think?”
One rebrand later…
The Owie-Vest had quickly become the company’s biggest success yet. It’s usefulness as a punishment device had completely missed the team, but after they’d discovered it, they’d capitalised on it like there was no tomorrow.
Stores nation-wide moved the Owie-Vest from the ‘health’ section to the ‘punishment’ section. Abusers everywhere bought them in droves. Not a single fluffy pony was seen wearing an Owie-Vest out in public… but they were all definitely being used.
Dave had even had a good laugh showing the rest of the team a blog page detailing ways of making the Owie-Vest even more painful for a fluffy to wear (sharpening the spikes, dipping them in lemon juice first, tightening the straps too much to restrict movement, etc…), and Claire had begun workshopping an idea for an Owie-Vest with actual metal spikes instead.
All in all, it had worked out in the end.