Arnold “Arne” Conners grew corn, not the kind made into syrup and put in damn near everything, sweet corn for the produce section for stores in three counties. The live traps from the SkettiLand trappers that surrounded his fields kept his crops safe from feral fluffies and wild hogs that generally made a farmers life hell, but today…
Arne walked the edge of his fields near the barn, stroking his short grey beard and scratching the bald spot on his his head. he pulled back some of the husk on an ear checking it’s ripeness before next weeks harvest, pleased with what he saw he wandered over to the barn where he kept the combine thresher. when he swung one door open almost a hundred fluffies came scurrying out like a swarm of rainbow roaches running in every direction, most vanishing into the fields. Arne managed to stomp on more than a few, killing most crippling the rest.
-Why meanie hoomin gif huwties? hu hu huuuu… nu can feew weggies… pwease weggies take fwuffy way fwom bad hoomin…
“What th’ hell ya doin’ in my barn ya lil’ shitrat!?” Picking up the blue earthy by the neck. “How big’s yer herd?” Slapping him hard enough to knock out a tooth.
-Owwies! hu hu hu huuuu… jus wan wawm nestie an nummies befow cowdies times come. pwease nu mowe huwties.- A constant stream of shit drooling out its broken ass.
Arne dropped the pathetic little beast, stomping its head to finish it then repeated with the other survivors, interrogate then kill, each a little longer then the last. when he finished with the last one he went to his house, got his shotgun, loaded it with bird shot and got on his phone.
Jake’s truck and Earl’s Van were parked in Jimmie’s loading dock, from them Bill, Shannon, Candice and Jr unloaded box after box packed with wriggling whining weanling foals. the Nummy Nummy Babbeh/Run Babbeh Run tournaments were three days away and the list of players was so long Earl had to build three more game rigs and pens. the cold morning air forced Candice to stop for a minute from a coughing fit as she reached into her hoodie pocket and pulled out an inhaler she took a few long hits and sitting on the van floor then spat out a bloody phlegm ball.
“She okay?” Bill asked Jr. as they picked up another box each. “That can’t be a good sign.”
“She’ll be fine, that happens every once in a while. she caught the fluffy virus when we were kids before there was a vaccine. she lived but she almost needed a lung transplant cuz of it.”
“So that’s why yer dad hates em so much?”
"At first yeah, now… he sees them more as a means of income. he can be brutal when he needs to but he don’t do it for fun like Earl. "
“And Earl? he seems to really go whole hog with it.” Handing off the box to an employee.
“That’s not up for discussion. that’s a can of worms you don’t want to open.” Handing off his as well. “Just assume any story you heard is true and stay off his shit list.”
Jake stepped outside with Jake onto the loading docks on his phone while Earl was checking something on his own. Earl looked surprised at what he saw on his phone then showed it to Jake who’s look now matched his.
“Yeah I’m lookin at em right now, they’re all full which is…weird.” Snapping his fingers at the two and signalling them to hurry up with one hand. “How many were in the barn?.. okayyyyyy…Arne, calm down we’re coming in a hot minute. see you then.” Hanging up. “We need every trailer, fumigator bomb, and poison sprayer we got over to Conners’ farm. we got a mega herd on our hands.”
“I finally get to play with my seeker sprayer drones.” Earl smiled putting on a pair of aviator sunglasses and a dirty baseball cap that read fuck PETA. “I’m gonna get my browning .22 (See; moonlight over ranchero fluffalow)”
Collecting their money from Jimmie the cargo was quickly unloaded and returned to HQ where everyone loaded up, hitched up a trailer to everyone’s truck and were off to Conners’ farm. once there every truck was sent to empty a trap and once the trailers were full and the most desirable ones sorted, the rest were to be exterminated on the spot.
Earl drove his van up to trap #16 with Odin happily pacing around the back, eager to get back to work. Shannon was right behind him in her truck and trailer, they would need both to empty the trap there were so many. So Earl stepped into the shed entrance and demonstrated the “Sketti-man” routine to Shannon collecting the leader (he wasn’t there), pregnant mares and mates, and anything that would be considered valuable. pickings were slim in the last category, not a single shiny or sparkly in the lot, not even an alicorn or rare color. too bad for them, so once Odin scared the entire group into both trailers there was still at least fifty left in the trap so Earl got out the garden sprayers of fluffy pesticide. handing a sprayer to Shannon but as they worked the pumps at least a hundred and fifty flufflies came running out of the cornfield around and under the truck/van and trailers. sweeping their wands in wide arches spaying as many as they could, they got nearly a third of them and they fell over a few yards away convulsing and foaming at the mouth. the ones they missed Odin went for grabbing and shaking every one he could get his teeth on.
-Biggest POOPIES!- Shrieked a mares in one of the carriers.
“Now what?” Groaned Earl looking in his van. “None of you bitches are that far along yet you all can still mo-… what the fuck? Hey Shannon look at this.”
inside one of the carriers a red mare who claimed to be a “soon mummah” that could still easily move around had now swelled to full term and was now in labor.
-Biggest Poopies!- Howled another mare in the next carrier.
-Biggest Poopies!- Called out another.
within a span of a few minutes all nine of the dams they had collected, all not visibly pregnant, had come to term and gave birth to several foals and now begging for food. not just for milk for their foals but for their own sake as well they had gone from fairly fat to almost skin and banes during the whole process.
“Earl, what the fuck is going on? Have you ever seen a fluffy do that?”
“Yeah. I have.” Sticking the sprayer wand into the carrier and soaking everything inside. Do the rest. kill em all. collect nothing." Heading to the van and getting on his walky talky. “Everyone heads up, the traps are full of defective hyper breeders. kill everything.”
“We figured as much, we got a trap almost full of mares and they all went into labor pretty much at the same time.” Jr’s voice squawked over the walky.
“Same here.” Answered Candice as well.
Shannon took her sprayer and stood at the back of the trailer with the wand over the entry gate and on Earl’s command she would start. Already blood thirsty Odin barked wildly scaring the literal shit out of the fluffies inside and Earl ordered Shannon to open the gate and start. the shrieking rainbow river of fluff came flowing out through the poison mist, not a one made it past six yards before dropping to a convulsive death then repeated with the other trailer.
“We’ll clean up the bodies later just get back to the farm house, we’re gonna need those drones. Odin! in the van, c’mon!” Climbing into his truck.
back at Conners’ house they gathered to watch Earl set up three homemade crop-duster drones and one brand new FluffCo. sponsored one on a fold out table. on another he had a heavily kit bashed together laptop he and his teacher/friend had built to his almost absurd specifications. over the laptops oversized speakers the “Flight of the Valkyries” started to play and the drones started up in unison and shot straight up into the air headed off for the fields. everyone watched over his shoulders as the drones live feed showed two large patches of field were currently being eaten to bare downed stalks. they were collectively chewing down the stalks then going for the corn, husks and all leaving the sharp serrated leaves untouched.
“Jesus Christ they’ve eaten a whole acre on the eastern side! Hurry up an kill these fuckin talkin locusts!” Arne started to sweat at what he saw.
“Keep your coveralls on Arne, I’m on it.” Earl smiled.
“How the hell are they breeding so fast anyway? Earl, you’re the genius. Thoughts?” Mark asked
“Hmm… back in the lab days the lab jockeys needed large numbers fast for testing so they gave them an almost viral breeding cycle. they shut it off in later generations but it’s still in their DNA and with the occasional mutant here and there, it turns back on. but this is fast even for that, this is weird. One hyper breeder couldn’t possibly make this many so fast and not be noticed.”
the drones swooped down with two long sprayers extending from their tanks and sprayed a wide thick green fog of poison around the perimeter of the blighted area then filled in the middle. within seconds they were all dead and the drones zipped off in search for more and they found four more patches, devouring six and a half acres in total so far.
“They’ve eaten almost four grand in my crops! God dammit! I can’t afford this shit!” futilely kicking at the dirt.
during his justified outburst Arne saw the tail end of a fluffy vanish through a hole in the side of his old wooden barn. Cocking his shotgun he stomped over to the double doors, swung them open hard and started shooting. the near simultaneous bang of wooden doors on walls and shotgun blasts of bird-shot grabbed the groups attention leaving Earl to pilot the drone in peace while the rest scrambled to get their guns.
Jake grabbed Earl’s .22 Browning knowing his hunting rifle wouldn’t cut it here, he had Shannon and Bill follow Arne while his sons and daughter followed him. the barn was crawling with fluffies eating gorging themselves on the corn from earlier harvests, oblivious to the deaths of the others around them as bird-shot tore them apart. they behaved completely ravenous many of their bellies visibly growing as they ate, some even going into labor on the spot then being blown apart by either bird-shot or a barrage of .22’s. Mark and Candice went and got their sprayers and started spraying every thing while the rest reloaded.
“We gotta check the silo!” Arne rushed off.
sure enough they were climbing over one another creating a hill of bodies trying to reach the silo’s hatch, not that they could open it but still they climbed. the opening volley of lead and pellets sent fluff flying in such spectacular fashion it almost felt like a macabre fourth of July.
Earl was fixated on his drones as they followed a path eaten into the fields to the neighboring farm’s fields abandoned 20 years ago when fluffies ate the farmer out of house and home. Arne had been using the extra space for years as his own since nobody ever bought the farmstead he used it to bolster his harvest. there was a clear straight path to the old farmhouse and when Earl switched his cam to thermal vision and flew one drone down to the bare broken windows, there was a ant trail line of fluffies going in and out with ears of corn for a large herd of mares. there seemed to be one male who was constantly moving between mares enfing everyone he approached.
“Hello subject zero. JAKE! I’m going to nip this problem in the bud I’ll be back!” he shouted while running to his van taking his laptop with him.
Driving up to the dilapidated one story house the fluffies barely paid him any notice as the constantly birthing mares screamed for nummies from their foraging babies. the foals constantly fighting for a nipple any nipple they could get, growing before his eyes many getting trampled when wandering into a bigger fluffy’s path, including their father. He was a yellow earthy with blue mane, he ran around with a constant hard on enfing every mare shortly after it gave birth stepping on the some of the foals in the process.
-No-no’s huwties so much enf enf why? enf wan stop but enf enf enf no-no’s nu stop huwties. enf hu hu pwease pee-tah make no-no stop enf enf huwties- sobbed the stallion
with carrier in hand Earl grabbed the stallion, tossed him in then summoned one of his drones with his phone and took a fumigator bomb from its drop bay and tossed it in the house.
-speshew fwend nuu! nu huwt specshew fwend nice mistah!
“Trust me it’s for the best. me and you on the other hand, we’re gonna have a little talk about PETA.” Putting the carrier in his van.
taking him home he went straight for his garage and set the carrier on the table, the fluffy whining non-stop about his sore no-nos. after a few minutes of searching through his cupboards he found a pill bottle and took out one yellow oval pill and stuffed it into the fluffy’s mouth, holding it shut till he swallowed. After a few minutes the stallion finally stopped complaining about his sore nuts and Earl sat down on a stool in front of him.
“How’s that salt peter treating ya?”
-Yucky nummies made nu-nu’s bettah. tank ou.
“It’s not gonna last, so here’s how it’s gonna work. you answer my questions and I’ll give you more. get stupid or mouthy and I start cutting into you. Got it?” Pulling out a hunting knife and pointing it at the fluffy.
-wemondwop unduhstan.- nodding nervously.
“Good. Lemondrop, is it? okay. what did PETA do to you?”
-Meany hoomans gif Wemondwop shot wike at vets den speshaw wumps haff wostest huwties an aww da speshaw huggies nu hewp. den speshaw fwend haff babbehs next bwight time an dey gwow fast. but spashaw wumps still huwtaww da time.
“Do you have any idea why they did this to you?” Sliding another pill across the counter.
-Yucky (Chewing it down) Yes. mean wady who gave shot say dat deh wan to wuin wep-ou-tay-shun of nuddah meany hooman.
“And that was…who?” Holding up the knife.
-umm… uh… Coweson… Eaww, fwuffy think. wanted make custmews mad cuz twaps nu wowk.
“Those little mother fuckers…” Stabbing the table. “Any reason why they want this guy so bad that you overheard?” Frighteningly calm.
Lemondrop flinched when the blade hit the counter and shook his head NO with tears swelling in his eyes.
“Know where they hang out?” Pinning another pill under his finger.
-Wemondwop an speshaw fwend haff nestie in owd housie den pee-tah come evwy uddah bwight time. dey bwing nummies an wawa an toysies den dey giff Wemondwop bad shot.
“Could you find this house again if you saw it?”
Lemondrop nodded eagerly.
“Looks like we’re going for a drive.” Letting the pill go.
it took a few hours of driving down old back roads till Lemondrop saw the house he had once lived and it wasn’t much to speak of. little more than an old shambling double wide trailer in the middle of an empty field with nine assorted vehicles parked in front of it. parked by the side of the road with Lemondrop looking out the driver side window confirming that was the place. putting the fluffy back in the carrier with another pill as a reward he took out a parabolic dish and aimed it at one of the trailer windows listening in on headphones.
“- can’t be as bad as you think.”
“Really Phil? Not as bad as you think? The prick Killed Fred! You remember our friend Fred, right?” Said a bitchy sounding woman. "Blue, monochrome, shapeshifter? Ringing any bells?
“Yeah but he wouldn’t have approved of this. Going after innocents to get to Coleson? the environmental harm it could cause…”
Earl stopped listening in and got out a burner phone from the glove box and hand dialed it.
“…Yeah it’s me. I need to call in that favor… right now. bring the cleaning kit and the guys. It’ll be dark in twenty minutes… Yeah I know it’s short notice but it can’t wait. I need this now… thanks, yeah I know we’re even after this.”
Within forty-five minutes three other dirty old panel vans pulled up and out climbed several men in plain brown jumpsuits and balaclavas. each had a power-drill in a tool belt and pulled out sheets of plywood, and with others acting as lookouts boarded up the windows and door with self boring screws. that’s when the people inside noticed and started banging on the walls and door to be let out, that’s when Earl stepped out of his van laptop in one hand and stood by the boarded up trailer door.
“YKnow, just when my opinion of you assholes couldn’t be any worse you pricks pull a stunt like this.” He spoke up over them.
“Coleson? You bastard let us out or we’ll call the cops and I doubt your sister can cover for you this time!” Shouted the bitching sounding woman inside.
“No you wont. I happen to have my own scrambler, this place is now a half mile wide dead zone. So, listen carefully cuz I’m not repeating myself. Now it’s bad enough people like you let loose a half finished abomination into the world that caused all kinds of damage to this world and of course what it did to my own family. but it also happened to a lot families so we were just collateral in your fuck up so I’m justified in hating every last one of you supposed people and things. THEN you had to make it personal by sicking your little freak on me then letting loose your own little science project on my clients. The first group of you assholes did what you did out of ignorant righteousness, you, on the other hand almost did something so much worse intentionally. Just to spite me. And that (Sighs) Well that I just can’t abide or allow to continue. you just too stupid and dangerous exist.”
As he monologued on the men had grabbed five gallon buckets from their vans and began shaking a dark red powder around the trailer while another covered the roof as well. when a thick ring had been poured around the trailer’s base they cleared out and started covering the cars as Earl reached into his pocket, pulling out a pack of matches.
“This is a farming community, there are twenty five different farms and orchards in this area, you would have literally killed this town if we hadn’t contained it and who knows what else. and now it’s time to teach you your lesson.”
Lighting the book of matches he tossed it into the red powder and it erupted into flames that trailed over to the cars as well as the trailer. the heat and light was intense and blinding as Earl walked to his van and grabbed Lemondrop and tossed him in the flames carrier and all.
“Are you sure about this?” Asked one of the men who seemed fairly fat.
“Just do as your told Andy and get those vans scrapped ASAP.” Climbing into his own van.
the other vans drove off silently as they came leaving in different directions at a four way stop while Earl sat and waited till the area was fully ablaze before leaving. he drove in complete silence, not even the radio, and he drove on a long roundabout path till he reached Coleson’s Garage, the business he and Jake had ran before starting SkettiLand elimination and control. now it was just used as off site storage but still had all the tools and power/water. pulling in the first thing he did was change and retread the tires with a new pattern then detailed the entire inside top to bottom then took the entire cleaning kit outside to a cinder-block pit behind the building and tossed it inside then stripped down to his underwear and tossed his clothes in as well. dumping a bucket of more of the red powder over the whole mess he lit it on fire then went back inside and used the emergency chem burn shower to wash off. redressing with some spare clothes once the fire burned everything to ash he drove home.
it was three AM when he finally got home, he change into some pajama pants then took an old phone from his nightstand and plugged it into the wall socket. He hadn’t thought about let alone looked at this old thing in years, once it booted up he played the only video it had. a shaky hand footage of a kitchen and a thirty something woman, tall, skinny and visibly pregnant.
“alright Earl what are you doing?” the woman smile at the cam.
“Just trying out my new phone.” Replied a squeaky teens voice.
“Well two can play at that game.” Grabbing her own phone and pointing it at him. “Before you head off on your little hunting trip with your cousin Jake and uncle Red, got anything to say to grandma.”
“High grandma! sorry I’m gonna miss you this month.”
“You want anything while I’m visiting grandma? Like a “My mom went to Cleveland and all I got was this lousy t-shirt” Shirt?”
“Yeah ma sure…”