I hadn’t planned to get part 2 out so quickly. Never underestimate my ability to procrastinate whilst unsupervised at work!
“Edgar, I’m home, buddy!”, came Lucy’s cheerful voice, as she walked through the front door.
On any other day, this would have led to her almost being bowled over by Edger, as he shot into her arms like furry red cannon ball. But of course, this wasn’t any other day.
Instead, Lucy was greeted by the sight of a mournful looking Edgar sitting next to the scene of his terrible crime. Not that Edgar had any intention of admitting that it was his crime of course.
“Edgar!”, gasped Lucy, half in suprise and half in irritation. “What happened?!”
Whilst Lucy was reasonable enough to understand that leaving a fluffy unattended carried a certain level of risk to one’s property, it had never really been an issue with Edgar. He was so well behaved. It was why she didn’t keep him in a safe room when she was at work.
Lucy still had the sorry stick and sorry box that had come as part of the package deal when she had first purchased Edgar. It was sitting in her bedroom cupboard, gathering dust. She’d never had to use it.
She gazed at Edgar with her best “I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed” look, the kind which is feared by errant children and fluffies everywhere.
Edgar took a moment to settle his nerves and inwardly steeled himself for the moment he had been waiting for all day. He hated what he was about to do. But he was in too deep now.
“Edgaw sowwe, Mumma”, he squealed plaintively. “Meanie burdie munsta fwew thwu window. Edgaw twy to stop him but meanie munsta give Kuwfoowoo foweba sweepeis. Huuuuuu!”.
It was the moment of truth. Silence descended across the room. Edgar held his breath and did his best to hold Lucy’s cynical gaze.
“A bird did this?”, came the eventual reply. “A bird flew in through the window and smashed my Cthulhu figurine? Amd then flew back out again?”
“Dat’s wite”, came the mournful reply. “Edgaw twy to fite but meanie musta tu fast and fwu away!” He threw in another “huuuuu” for good measure.
Lucy was torn. On the one hand, the whole thing sounded ridiculous. But then…Edgar was such a good fluffy. On the rare occasion that he had done something wrong, he’d always fessed up. There’d be tears and hugs and then they’d move on. Lucy had never known him to lie before. And if he and done it on purpose…well, it would just be so out of character.
Lucy held Edgar’s gaze as the tense silence continued. Little did she know it, but Edgar was on the verge of caving in and confessing to his heinous act, when Lucy let out a heavy sigh.
“Oh well, these things happen. Guess I’d better start leaving the window closed when I go to work. I can dig the fan out and leave it running so you don’t get too hot when I’m out.”
“Dat am otay, mumma”, Edgar replied, scarcely believing that his preposterous ruse had worked. “Edgaw undewstan’”.
“OK then”, said Lucy, after another moments pause. “I’d best get this mess swept up, so we can get dinner sorted”.
Edgar sat and watched Lucy as she worked, a strange feeling building in the pit of his stomach. He should have been elated. He had just gotten away with murder after all. And yet he felt only guilt.
Edgar lay in his bed, trying to sleep. His bed was on the floor next to Lucy’s and usually, the sound of her gentle breathing was enough to send him off.
The rest of the evening had passed in its usual manner. Lucy sat with him and chatted about her day whilst she ate her dinner and he ate his kibble.
Edgar had smiled and nodded like he always did, pretending to have the first idea of what a KPI was, or that he had a strong opinion about whose turn it was to write the end of month report.
Then, he lay on Lucy’s lap while she recorded one of her You tube videos.
As usual, Edgar tried to drown out the content of what Lucy was saying, so he could concentrate on her voice. It was proving difficult though.
Somewhat fittingly, it was another story about a man who gave someone foweba sweepies. For reasons which are obvious, it resonated with Edgar. Especially as the man in question seemed to be having a rough time of it.
It hadn’t occurred to Edgar that getting away with a crime would be harder than commiting it. He just felt so guilty.
Granted, he had hated Kewfoowoo and certainly relished the prospect of not having to stare at his vile features for the rest of his life. But mumma. Poor, lovely mumma.
Edgar screwed his eyes shut and tried to switch off his brain.
He was just starting to drift into an uneasy doze when he first heard it.
BA-DUM!
Edgar jerked awake with a start.
BA-DUM!
“Hu am dere?!”, Edgar croaked out, trying his best not to wake Lucy. Lucy groaned in her sleep, before turning over and her gentle breathing continued.
BA-DUM! BA-DUM! BA-DUM! BA-DUM! BA-DUM!
Edgar gave a moan of horror as the realisation slowly dawned on him. The sound echoing through the room was none other than the beating heart of his victim. It made no sense but somehow, Edgar just knew.
BA-DUM! BA-DUM! BA-DUM! BA-DUM!
Edgar groaned again and wiggled as low as he could into his bed. He pushed his head under the blankets and tried to block out the terrible thumping. It didn’t work.
The rest of the night passed in an agony of slow dread.
Edgar did not sleep.
“Bye Edgar”, Lucy said, giving him a peck on the forehead. 'I’ll see you when I get home."
Edgar mumbled a reply. He was distracted, having lain awake all night listening to the demonic thumping.
Had Lucy not been rushing because she was running slightly late, she would have noticed his bloodshot eyes.
At this point, dear readers, the more reasonable amongst you will doubtless point out the absurd nature of this whole affair.
The noise was obviously nothing more than a manifestation of Edgar’s guilty conscience. Why would a statue even have a heartbeat anyway?
Little did he know it, but Edgar had taken more of the Lucy’s story about the meanie see pwace man taking foweba sweepies than he had realised, and it was this which was causing his audio-hallucination based predicament.
But insights such as these require reasoning far beyond that possessed by Edgar, who like most fluffies, thought that covering his eyes rendered him invisible to predators. It would be a bit like expecting your average five year old to have a complex grasp of astrophysics.
BA-DUM! BA-DUM!
The beating continued. Edgar tried to go about his day but as you can imagine, this proved no easier than sleep had the night before.
BA-DUM! BA-DUM! BA-DUM!
“Dummah noisie!”, Edgar yelped, in an attempt at bravado that wouldn’t have fooled even the most faint hearted of fluffies. “Weave Edgaw awone!”
BA-DUM! BA-DUM! BA-DUM! BA-DUM!
“Nu make Edgaw gib mowe sowwe hoovies!”, he continued, knowing deep down that it was an empty threat but not knowing what else to do.
BA-DUM!BA-DUM!BA-DUM!BA-DUM!
“Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”, a wail of despair emitted from Edgar’s throat.
“Edgar?”, came Lucy’s voice, sounding far away.
“Edgar?”
Edgar opened his eyes. He had no idea how long he’d lain there quivering on the rug, his eyes clenched shut, gibbering softly to himself.
“Edgar, what’s wrong?!”
Edgar stared up at his beloved mumma, her eyes full of concern.
“Mumma”, Edgar managed to mumble, before trailing off.
BA-DUM! BA-DUM! BA-DUM! BA-DUM! BA-DUM
The game was up. Surely his mother could hear the loud, persistent thud, verbrating through the room. Now that he thought of it, she must have been able to hear it all along. She knew. Surely she knew.
“Edgar, what’s wrong?”, Lucy repeated, scoping him up in her arms.
A wave of exhaustion washed over Edgar. A combination of fatigue and anxiety mingled with the comforting smell of his mumma and the safe feeling of her arms wrapped around him. The final lingering thread of Edgar’s resolve finally snapped.
“Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!”, Edgar wailed. “Edgaw nu wan tu be bad fwuffie nu mowe! Edgaw gab Kewfoowoo sowee hoofies! Edgaw no wan make mumma sad but hate dummah Keefoowoo! Bu’ Edgaw can nu take bad nosiey nu mowe!”
The words cascaded out as Edgar unburden himself of his guilty conscience. The tears flowed. He slowly looked up to meet Lucy’s stern gaze.
“Edgar, are you saying that you broke my figurine on purpose? And then lied to me about it?”
Edgar nodded, so overcome with shame that he was no longer capable of speech.
Lucy felt a barrage of emotions run through her. Hurt (Edgar lied to me!) Anger (He broke my statue!) Embarrassment (I can’t believe I let him make me think a fucking bird did this!) But also love. Love that overcame all else.
Lucy looked down at the tiny ball of fluff who lay trembling in her arms. There was no way round it. She loved the little twat.
“Oh Edgar”, mumered sadly.
She put Edgar down gently.
Edgar looked up at her. Lucy looked back. An array of unspoken sentiments passed between them.
“Edgaw sowwe, mumma”, he said eventually. Sorry didn’t really cover it. It was the best he could do though.
" I know you are, baby", Lucy replied softly, the faintest of smiles on her face.
“Mumma still wub?”, Edgar asked hesitantly, as though he were afraid of the answer.
“Yes Edgar”, Lucy said without delay. “I still love you”.
A pause. “You understand you have to be punished, don’t you Edgar?”, Lucy continued. “You broke my statue. And worse, you lied to me”.
Edgar nodded sadly, overcome with a fresh wave of shame. “Edgaw unnerstan’.”
Lucy gently picked Edgar up and carried him into her bedroom. She opened the cupboard door and pulled out the sorry box. Not the sorry stick. She knew that wasn’t necessary.
Lucy placed Edgar inside the sorry box.
“I wish I didn’t have to do this, Edgar”, said Lucy. “You’ll stay in your sorry box until tomorrow. That’s your punishment.”
Edgar said nothing. There was nothing to say.
Darkness washed over Edgar as Lucy closed the lid of the sorry box.
And yet, Edgar was calm.
The sorry box was silent. The accursed din of the beating heart has finally ended.
Edgar’s conscience was finally clear. Like a good fluffy, he lay down his weary head and dreamt of his mumma.
