My name is Tyler and I’ve seen some shit… My father owns a pool company in the south. He’s been at it since after Katrina and, believe it or not, nearly two decades later; there’s still damages… ESPECIALLY in pools! We theorize that there was some kind of toxic waste that got dredged up from the gulf and dumped all over the coast. You wouldn’t believe what we’re found in these concrete cesspits. But one incident still rattles me to think of. I’m not even sure it really happened. Maybe it was the heat?
It was the back end of summer and i was blasting out a gunite pool with the pressure washer. Dad had gone to get supplies so I’m just stuck in this concrete sauna bowl, sweating like a GODdamn… There’s no noun here. i was just sweating like a goddamn. Shit was hot as fuck. The deep end of the pool was still half full and SWIMMING with cottonmouths. I think they had a mating ball going on down there. I was blasting debris and filth into the deep end when one particular pile of sticks and crud… uh… screamed. I swear to christ I blasted the pile and something let out this high pitch ear raping screech like I’ve never heard. Naturally, i froze for a moment and questioned my auditory senses. After a short investigation, i found… something. It was bright blue, it was furry, it was about the size of a young puppy and… it talked. This fucking thing looked up at me and yelled “Wawa bad fo fwuffy! Why mistuh spway fwuffy with meanie stick?!” I took a long pull from the cigarette stuck between my lips as my brain revved up. Pressure washing is pretty mindless. I usually just start singing “Get Rhythm” by Johnny Cash and let reality become a blur. Now I’m faced with the quandary of what the fuck I was seeing and if it was real. “Uhm… My bad. I didn’t know you were there.” The creature shook and shivered in front of me. It was like some kind of sick cross between a horse and a guinea pig. “Mistuh gib babbeh nummies an’ wahm!” “I’m sorry?” “Fwuffy nu wan dummeh sowwy! Fwuffy was nummies an housie!” I took another long pull off my smoke, exhaling through my nose then spitting the butt over the critter, into the black watery muck behind it. “Dude, are you really trying to shake me down right now?” “Dummeh hoomin gib fwuffy nummies ow ewse!” This thing was starting to piss me off. I pointed the pressure washer wand at the concrete between us. “GIB FWUFFY NUMMIES WITE N-” PFFFFT!!! A short blast sent the “fwuffy” tumbling backwards ass over tea kettle and down the ramp. “whups… didn’t mean to blast him down there. Hold on little dude, i’ll get you-” “SCREEEEEEE!!!” oh… too late. A heavy female cottonmouth grabbed him and was pumping his rear with venom. I watched the struggle for a bit then lit another smoke and tried to debate if this was really happening or if the heat and humidity had fried me. Just as the big momma finished swallowing the “fwuffy”, Dad pulled back up in the truck. Now i’m a grown fucking man… How the fuck am i supposed to explain what i just saw without sounding like my shit ain’t cracked?! So… I didn’t. I’m still not convinced it was real.
