[unnatural waters]
I was just barely holding on. Bored, tired, and standing for damn-near seven hours doing nothing. The sun was shining, but I got no sunlight, on the account of a fuck-off sized umbrella over me. Nobody was around. My station was empty, bar me. Fuck that. Then, a savior arrived. “Yo, Nick. Got you a chair since ain’t shit happening here.” Thank God. “Sorry you got this station, bro, nobody’s got the cajones to ride this. Hope the rest of the day goes by quick.”
“Thanks, Miguel.” My coworker nodded and headed off, likely to deal with a line of bratty children and 40-year-olds in their mid-life crisis. Poor guy. I could only take the one joy I now had without hesitation. The chair made it easier, but I was still tired as hell. Partied too much last night. Stupid mistake. I shouldn’t sleep right now, but it was tempting, and I closed my eyes. Ah, the sounds of kids screaming and water flowing. It was surprisingly calming, couldn’t complain about it.
With a quick hour nap, I awoke to something I was waiting for. Finally, someone who wanted to ride the ‘G-Force Experience’. Must be a brave lad. I Pushed the tapping finger off my leg and opened my eyes, only to see no one. “Huh? Hey, you still there?”
“Pauw hewe.” Looking down, I saw the culprit. A little blue bowl fluffy, probably just out of foalhood. “Wub wawa. Wan wide.” Well, this is a first. A fluffy in a water park? And riding this? Must have bigger balls than I thought he would.
“Uhh… how’d you get here?” The fluffy was small, and it seemed impossible for him to break into the waterpark with the new fencing, let alone how he climbed the stairs. Must be from a guest, right?
“Pauw cwaww fwu fense, den pauw cwimb staiws. Pauw am gud cwimbin’ fwuffy. Wide?” The fence was already busted. I was surprised more ferals weren’t in the park with a busted fence.
“Well Paul, you aren’t supposed to be here. This is a human waterpark, it’s for humans only.” His face scrunched, and he stared right at the entrance to the ride, which was blocked off.
“Dummeh hooman, Pauw am cwimbin’ fwuffy, and pauw cwimb aww da’ staiws! Dat hawd! Pauw nu am goin’ back!” His cheeks puffed out, and he stomped a hoof. Big whoop.
“Paul, this is a danger-“ He stomped again. Little shit.
“Pauw nu cawe! Pauw wan wide! Wawa am safe! Wan wide nao!” Well. This little shit is starting to get annoying. Fine then. He’s earned it. With a big fake smile, I clasped my hands.
“Good job Paul, you proved how brave you are, you can take the ride!” His anger-filled face drained, and joy filled the canvas. How stooped are these things?
“Pauw can wide? DANK YU MISTAH, PAUW AWWAYS WAN WIDE WIDE!” He’s jumping around in circles, elated at the chance to finally ride this. Wonder how long it’ll take for him to change his mind. “WUB WIDE, WUB GUD MISTAH!” Yeah yeah, change your tone as soon as you get what you want. Grabbing a cheap plastic cover off of the entrance, I waited for the adventurous douche to jump on in. He doesn’t.
“Well, it’s all yours, Buddy.” He’s frozen as he sees the transparent plastic of the ride. It’s big.
“Pauw… pauw nu wike fast wawas… can gud Mistah make wawa swow?” Ah man, he’s pussying out!
“What’s wrong Paul? Lots of people use this ride, you’ll be fine! Trust me!” I have a smile so fake a moron would tell. Unfortunately for Paul, fluffies are below the mental acuity of a moron. “Aren’t you brave?” He’s trembling.
“Pauw am bwave… Pauw jus’ wan swow wide…”
“It can’t be slowed, Paul. It’s safe (two years ago, someone died on this ride), fun (it’s scary as shit), and quick (it takes ten minutes to complete the full ride)! Don’t cha’ trust me?” He’s shaking less. Just gotta convince him some more.
“O-Otay. Pauw wiww wide. Jus’ wet pauw bweath…” Finally! He takes some small steps to the entrance but stops again, he turned over on his back. He can see that it goes low, fast. “Mistah… Pauw nu wan wide… wan tu gu tu wazy wiba.” Fuck it, he made it this far. I pushed him down with my feet, and he went down as everybody did. Fast, and screaming. Almost everybody in the park looked up and saw the spectacle.
“SCREEEEEEEEE! WET FWUFFY OUT!” He zoomed down the slide, faster than your average person, shitting at the speed of sound, and screaming like his legs were broken. “WHY WAWA BAD TU PAUW?! PAUW GUD FWUFFY! PWEASE NU GIB OWWIES, WAWA MUNSTAH!” A good turn shattered all hopes of him getting out (physically) unscathed. When he got to the turn, the sudden change in forces pulled on those little extremities, dislocating every single one, and probably fracturing some few odd bones. “SCREEEEEEE! MISTAH HEWP FWUFFY! PWEAAAAAASE!” His screaming got only louder as he bumped around the slide, adding pain upon pain on those bones. “BAD WAWA GIB WOWSTES HUWTIES!” As I enjoyed the spectacle, I saw my manager running up the steps. It was time to act fast.
“Attention guests, as part of our new entertainment plan, enjoy our new spectacle, a fluffy at the speed of light! Please, stand clear of the exit of the ‘G-Force Experience’, as part of the finale!” The crowd cheered, and parents pulled kids away from the end of the ride, all watching the little blue bastard zip around the waterslide. I waved my boss up and gave him a genuine smile. He couldn’t back out now.
“Nick, what the fuck?! The hell are you doing?”
“Making this slide profitable. People will come back for this.” It was a semi-lie. He stops and thinks. Then smiles.
“Clever. Just clean it up, this could be big. I’ll bring some bleach to pour down!” He went back down, easily convinced of the dollars this would bring. I was happy with the show itself, way better than sitting all day long.
The blue bowl fluffy’s eyes opened, and he screamed louder than ever when he saw the loop-the-loop. “NU WAN MOWE WIDE! WAN OU-“ His speech is stopped as he enters the loop-the-loop. The force that was transferred to his body was far too much. He smushed into plastic, bones shattering as organs likely ruptured. Bones poked out of his legs as he tumbled and crashed through the loop, his light weight acted against his best interests. He slammed back into the plastic, a broken fluffy.
Blood leaked out from everywhere. His mouth, his legs, his ass, it looked like a horror-flick villain had him for a day or two. Still, he was conscious enough to yell. “HUUUHUUUHUUU, HEWP FWUFFY! MISTAH HEWP, YU WIE TU FWUFFY, WIDE NU SAFE, WIDE NU FUUHUUUN!” He sobbed as he neared the end, lifting his head to see the wonderfully cruel twist. The ramp at the end.
“Everybody, please stand clear of the exit, and prepare for the grand finale!”
For a normal human child or adult, they’d just fall back into the pool, but him? “NU! NU! NU! NU! NU! NU! NU WAN FOWEBAH SWEEPIES! SCREEEEEEEE-“ He hit the ramp, and soared into the sky, too empty to shit on anyone, and for a brief moment, it was truly beautiful. The blue flying bowl fluffy, contrasting with the bright orange sun. And soon, it ended. “EEEEEEEEE-“ With a squelch, he smashed into a tree just outside of the park, being instantaneously obliterated, leaving a big red mark on it. All was good. The crowd went apeshit.
“Thank you for your support, everybody, and be sure to tell everybody of the new attraction, here at Waterworld Newburgh, the new ‘Bad Wawa Experience’!” I sat back down and smiled.
“Nick, here’s the bleach, get to pouring!” I couldn’t complain. It was a good day.
hey at least he finally lived his dream, right?