Hey, and welcome back to FUCS (fucked up crazy stuff) podcast. David here as always and today I’ll be discussing Vice Versa Programs ™
Remember that company I told you about in the last episode?
Well, dear listeners, the creator of the company has been in touch and divulged more to me.
You’ll remember Amy, the college graduate who set up the company which transferred fluffy minds into other fluffy bodies.
Well, it’s got a name, it exists, Vice Versa Programs ™
She invented the process of saving a fluffies mind onto a hard drive, floppy disk, USB etc etc and transferring it into the other fluffy before it died.
Well that didn’t make much money.
But she still turns a profit! If anything there was another process that her company was capable of doing.
Everyone knows that Fluffies were originally My Little Pony ™ knockoffs right?
Poor substitutions which took on a life of their own.
Despite being poor imitations.
And the fact they barely act like any of the ponies on that show (well, granted they act like the irritating ones sure)
Well, most people who love My Little Pony ™ want their fluffies to act like their favourite pony don’t they?
Imagine the disappointment when your pony isn’t as smart as twilight, isn’t as brave as Dash, isn’t as graceful as Rarity.
Can you imagine a depressed pinkie pie?
Amy talked about one of her most recent cases.
The majority of her clientele visit her to correct a fluffy’s behaviour.
What this basically means is deleting the old personality, the old fluffy mind from their brain.
And downloading a completely new one into them.
Rather than transferring the mind which was her company’s original purpose, the original fluffy mind would be replaced
With an artificial personality complete with programmed quirks
You’ve got a bad smarty? Delete it’s mind!
Replace it with the mind of a brown fluffy! Those things are weirdly well behaved and forever grateful.
You could make it eat your shit.
There’s a personality profile for whatever you want your fluffy to be.
To behave exactly as you want.
Amy has many personality profiles for fluffy owners to ask to be downloaded into their fluffy, but her most popular ones involve the Mane 6 (bar Applejack)
One day, Amy had a client who’d booked in before (after many cancellations). He had a pinkie pie type fluffy with him.
The pinkie pie was silent.
Very unusual for a fluffy. They normally chatter to acknowledge their own existence and remember that they’re alive.
No cheeriness and no chatter.
Very unlike a fluffy even.
She wore a very sad look on her face.
A depressed pinkie pie. Who’d have left thought of that?
Amy had checked the guy out.
He had money this time and he paid in cash.
This didn’t have to go in accounts! A Tax-Free Profit!
The man wasn’t too pleased though.
He’d bought a fluffy from a pet shop.
He’d been promised it would be cheery, happy, singing all the time.
Be just like pinkie pie!
But she wasn’t.
He’d heard that if you put a fluffy in front of a MLP cartoon and make it watch, the fluffy they’re meant to identify with the most they’ll start acting like.
Multiple views and she didn’t act anything like Pinkie Pie!
Instead she would try and find a corner and sleep or play with her toys, play with the blockies. In fact she expressed no enjoyment from watching MLP.
Don’t fluffies normally like cartoons?
He was very unhappy with the pet store. No refunds!! As far as he could tell, this fluffy was broken.
Rather than dump the fluffy at the shelter, he wanted to get her fixed here.
Amy didn’t particularly care at this point.
She’d been paid, the process itself didn’t take long to do. No long wait time downloading a new mind into the pinkie pie.
From a very popular program she had too. Easy work for today.
She had made the owner wait for her outside, Amy installed the fluffy onto the table and placed the helmet over the pinkie.
The helmet covered her eyes and she began to cry.
Amy had gotten used to this, the moment that helmet went on it was like they went in the sorry box.
It’s true that all fluffies are scared of the dark.
If only they knew that it was like one they wouldn’t get out of.
And a new fluffy would come out of it.
The fluffy wailed and she wailed loudly.
She began to cry out “wan die, wan die!!” (Not something she’s used to hearing on the table).
The process lasted about less than 2 minutes.
The crying had stopped. It was still eerily quiet.
And then the fluffy began to ask for daddy.
The sad look had disappeared and had been replaced with that vacant happy look that often graced pinkie pie’s face.
The process was complete.
The fluffy had begun to attempt to hop about on the table.
Amy grabbed the fluffy to stop it from falling off the table. Fluffies very often don’t need to be secured down.
Hyperactive fluffies, just like the pinkie pie types and the pegasi, were known to have accidents with falls.
The fluffy was looking for daddy, looking for Sketties, looking to play, play, play and dancie dancie dancie.
Her breathing sounded breathless, like she was hyperventilating.
They’re not normally this active or excited fluffies, this was a common problem with the Pinkie Pie program (but the owners still wanted it).
“Okie-dokie-wokie!!! Okie-dokie-Wookiee!!! Okie-dokie-wokie!!!”
This pinkie was very excited to see her owner.
She didn’t recognise him.
“Nyu daddeh?”
The man had nodded and smiled and said he was.
“Yaaaaayyy!!! Nyu daddeh!!! Okie-dokie-wokie!!! Okie-dokie-Wokie!!!”
She was super excited.
The man had picked her up on the table, she loved her new daddy (even though he wasn’t new).
Amy always enjoyed seeing this.
Job satisfaction you could say (she preferred being paid first) but it’s always good to see someone get a fluffy that-
What the fuck?!
The man had his hands around the sides of pinkie’s skull and he drove his thumbs through each eyeball!!
Mucus oozed out and blood.
He’d blinded her and she screamed out and began to shit up the room!!!
The man’s expression had changed from gentle if indifferent to outright anger.
“What the fuck are you doing!!???” Amy shouted.
The man ignored her and began to scratch into her eyes removing the rest of the eyeballs and detached them from her head.
Even more shit…and piss.
He began to claw away at the fluffy’s body, rending the fur off of her.
And flesh.
Parts were falling away from the fluffy now.
Amy took a step back and grabbed the lamp to hit the Fucker if he came near her.
He threw the pinkie from the table now and onto the floor.
It was somehow still alive (but barely). It was still shitting out blood and yet more shit, and pissed.
A death rattle.
“Okie……….dokie………wo-“
The man stomped once on pinkie’s head.
And it exploded.
Bits of skull, blood and brain matter were spread across Amy’s makeshift lab.
Not that you’d have seen much from all the shit everywhere.
And with one final act, the man booted Pinkie’s body and it went through Amy’s window.
Amy was shook with panic.
What the fuck?!!
It was brutal and she’d never seen abuse up close like this.
The man apologised for the property damage.
He went into his pocket and took out his wallet and pulled out about $300 dollars and placed it on the table. He hadn’t washed his hands and the notes were coated with the remains of the pinkie, blood and shit.
Amy kept the lamp firmly in her grip, just in case.
“Why the fuck did you mutilate that fluffy?! And fuck up my lab!!!”
He apologised again.
He’d always hated pinkie pie ever since he was a kid watching MLP: FIM.
It was such a perfect show. He would watch it every day.
But the show wasn’t without flaw.
Pinkie Pie was the one irritating thing about that show and it drove him insane.
He’s always wanted to just destroy her but couldn’t because fiction.
She represented all of everything that he hated in the world. To feel her die by his hands would be a dream come true.
But it would never be.
And then fluffies came along and now was his chance!
At last retribution can be paid with interest to the vapid, pink harlot.
He saved up money that he could just to achieve his dream of smashing the life out of pinkie pie.
His last words to Amy before he left were about an alicorn he was due to get.
A purple one just like Twilight Sparkle.
He’s always wanted a pony just like Twilight!
And he was finally getting the purple alicorn he’s always wanted delivered to him next week!
Twilight Sparkle was just the best! His one favourite pony from the show!
“Do you have any room for me for the end of next week?!”
Amy stopped shaking, she was beyond panic now.
She had to be professional.
“That’s no problem, I’ll book you in for 3pm. Best time.”
After he left, she phoned her cleaner and the window repair people.
She had a can of cheap rhubarb Gin and tonic with her at all times.
She opened the can and took a hard swig and looked at the gore and mess left behind.
“I think you’re going to have to update your onsite policy Amy-girl. Update it to do what you want to do with the fluffy after you’ve left. Non-violence in premises. Sensible thinking isn’t it……”
She shook her head in disbelief.
