“Alright Doofus, stay here bud. Mommy just has to run some errands real quick, I’ll be back before it gets dark.” Doofus, a tremendous wobbly gray unicorn who is about the size of a full grown Malamute, nodded enthusiastically and made himself kind of dizzy. “Otay mummah! Doofus gunna stay in pwetty yawdie pwace an make nyu fwends.” His mother crossed her arms in what was basically a faux show of disapproval. Humans have to overtelegraph such things for fluffies to notice, so she had to roll her eyes so hard it almost hurt. “Doofus, no letting ferals in the yard. You know mummah doesn’t like them getting in here.” Doofus puffed his cheeks. “Mummah Doofus gunna twy be gud, but fwuffies in need am fwends indeed, jus wike owd daddeh say befow he gu fowebba sweepies.” His mother rubbed her sinuses in frustration. “Y’know what? Fine. Just remember that any damage I find when I get back is coming out of your allowance.” Doofus didn’t have an allowance, but talking to him like he did seemed to work just as well since he’d forget in the moment that he doesn’t get an allowance to garnish, and later he’ll have forgotten that the punishment he fears is even allowance related, so he just does his best to stay in line.
“You’re a very good boy, Doofus. Mummah loves you so very much. I’ll bring home some cornbread for you, alright?” The plus sized little fella was ecstatic. "Hooway! Mummah gun bwing cownbwed nummies! Fankyu, mummah! Su escited!" She laughed, ruffled his hair, and departed.
Doofus laid out in the grass, his legs all outstretched as he rested his belly on the ground and blew little gusts of air at the grassies by his nose. They’d move a little and tickle him, and one time a froggy friend even hopped by! Silly froggy, there aren’t any lilypads here!
Doofus’ father was a modified Gen4 fluffy, originally manufactured by /u/shotrip2 for the Munstah Mummah line. He had all the flaws that consumers hated about gen 4 fluffs, but great care had been taken to preserve the traits people liked about them. Friendlier disposition, durability, the absolute bar none most pinchable faces this side of an /u/eded_ted comic. One major overhaul was reproductive in nature.
The standard Gen 4 fluffies had all sorts of bullshit DRM that was a large part of why people didn’t adopt these clearly superior products. All the cuteness in the world can’t make up for the fact that nobody wants a pet that’s a Manchurian Candidate for some biotech firm. One minute you’d have what seemed to be the perfect fluffy, politely taking commands and eager to please humans. Then a commercial would play and your adorablr toddlerbrained friend would suddenly start spouting off commercial legalese in that same cutesy baby voice. That voice is endearing and warm when it’s begging for nummies and love. Less so when it says “tewms an cundishuns appwy.”
The modification to Doofus’ father was primarily the noninclusion of marketing subroutines as well as a fully functional reproductive system. His life was long, and he enjoyed it. He never asked where the enfie machine took his genetic material. He just did his job and snuggled up with Wowk Daddeh on the break room couch afterwards before returning to the living space for all the experimental fluffies at the complex that raised him.
His material had been provided to an ovulating fluffalo, and the result was Doofus. He’s not as big as a fluffalo, but he’s a lot bigger than most fluffies. He’s only got one normal horn like a unicorn, but his tail is longer like a fluffalo. He’s got a deeper voice, and he weighs about 60 pounds dry. While his father only lived eleven years (Gen 4 fluffs had shorter lifespans as part of the Tyrell Initiative) and his mother would likely die around twenty, the magic of hybridization and interbreeding meant that Doofus was expected to reach forty years of age before he’d be unable to move around and feed himself.
Presently, Doofus is six years old. We rejoin him, happily sunning himself in the backyard, paying no attention to the hedgerows that make up the far fenceline of the yard. While Doofus waggles his arms around pretending to swim, a bright green earthy pokes his head in before quickly vanishing.
“Mummah! Mummah! Bigges’ babbeh fin nyu wamd fow famiwy! Onwy wun fwuffy!” His parents, earthtone fluffies whose shaggy fluff was caked with dirt, came waddling up to the gap their largest son had found. “Hooway! Gween Gwassy am su smawt! Big babbeh am smawty babbeh!” They both hugged him, with the handful of weanlings they had stumbling forth to join. “Wait fow babbehs! Babbehs gif bwudda huggies tuu!” One of the weanlings, the runt of the litter, couldn’t squeeze past his siblings to hug Green Grassy and he started to cry. His elder brother came, picked him up, and held him close. “Nu wowwy wittwest bwudda, Gween Gwassy can gif huggies tu ou instead.” The family celebrated, and went forth to meet their new neighbor.
By the time Doofus had noticed the intrusion, mummah was almost through with the last couple chirpies from her nest on her back. Doofus perked up and slowly rose to his feet. The family, seeing how large he was, began to grow nervous. This was dispelled when Doofus put on a big grin and bounded towards them. “Nyu fwends? Hooway! Fwuffy am Doofus, wewcum tu mummah yawd!” The family was set at ease by this gregarious and titanic fluffy, and huggies were had by all. The family all climbed up on his back, mummah and daddeh included, as he began to walk around the yard and give the tour.
“Obah dewe am whewe Doofus make poopies. It da poopy cownew in da yawd. Nu am wike wittabocks, poopies smeww nu gu way obah dewe.” His passengers erupted with a chorus of “gwoss” and “smeww wike poopies” an “wun way, nu wike smewwy.” The grey goliath obliged and moved on to the nummies pile.
Mummah left old produce to compost over here, as fluffies can eat all but the most rotten and decomposed foods. Mummah got down to go eat. “Nu wowwy nyu fwend, jus haftu make miwkies fow babbehs. Gu show speshuw fwend an babbehs west ub gwassy pwace.” The babbehs waved and shouted “goobai” like they were departing on a cruise ship and mummah began feasting.
“Obah hewe am da favwitest pawt in aww yawd! Dis am spwishy spwashy pwace!” He approached a pair of small artificial ponds his mummah had installed for him to play in. He was so used to it that he didn’t even notice the daddeh on his back saying that water is bad for fluffies. Not until he was in the middle of the pond, up to his shoulders in water.
“Huuuu nyu fwend! Nu wike! Tuu much wawa! Tuu scawy!” Doofus was shocked. He loved splishy splashy games! Maybe his new friend just had to try it. That must be it.
So Doofus leaned left and dumped them in, having admittedly forgotten that the babbehs were there. While he was large and could comfortably stand in the pond, even the daddeh was several feet too short to do anything but thrash, splash, and gasp for air. Unfortunately, Doofus mostly focused on the splashy part. “Das gud! Ou weawwy gud spwashew!”
But the mummah knew better, as mummahs often do. "Nuuuuuu! Sabe babbehs! Sabe speshuw fwend! Gunna dwown!" She was running over as fast as her stubby legs could carry, old banana peel trailing from her mouth as she desperately tried to save her family. Doofus, meanwhile, was confused. “Nu, dey jus pwayin. Doofus pway wike dis aww time.” Finally she reached water’s edge and, realizing she couldn’t reach him, again begged her new friend for help.
“Pwease! Ou big enuff tu sabe famiwy! Take out ub wawa befow fowebba sweepies!” Doofus frowned, pouted, and puffed his cheeks. “Nyu fwend, nu be su dummeh! Nu am scawy, wook! Doofus nu hav pwobwem! Ou jus a wittwe scawedy chiwpie.” The mummah was in a panic now. Most of the babbehs had long since sunk, and her special friend was having trouble keeping his snout above water. He was thrashing and kicking and this combined with his low density was keeping him alive. But she could see his face. She looked past the situation and saw the fear and hopelessness in his eyes that told her what his body already had: He was running out if time.
His eyes were locked on his beloved. As she stood helpessly by, the last of her family disappeared beneath the murky green water. His last expression was of terror and exhaustion. Hers was of grief and confusion.
“NUUUUUUUU! WAI NU HEEEEEWP? SPECIAW FWEND! BABBEHS! AWW FAMIWY GU BAI BAI NAO? AWW FOWEBBA SWEEPIES? HUUUUUU, AM MUMMAH NU MOWE!” Doofus was himself quite puzzled. He’d never met fluffies who could go underwater before. He’d seen seafluffs on teebee but he didn’t think these friends had flippers. Oh well, you learn something new every day!
“Nu wowwy, famiwy jus pway in da wawa! Hewe, Doofus hewp.” He slowly approached her, his dripping mass loudly leaving the water as he did. She didn’t realize his intent until he’s grabbed her in his mouth and hoisted her by the scruff of her neck. She was thrashing and kicking to escape. “Nu! Nu! Pwease nu! Nu dwop fwend! Nu wike wawa! Nu wan die! Nu wan die!” Doofus shook his head and released. Some fluffies were just so stubborn!
She splashed around even better than the others had, and clearly she was good at it because she went under to join them way faster. Doofus returned to sunning himself and awaiting mummah.
“Goobai fwens, hab fun in wawa pwace. Nu fowget tu cum back an pway wif gud Doofus!”