This is the most upsetting thing I’ve ever written, to me personally.
“Hewwo ebbybuddy! Nummies am hewe! Make way fow nummies! It nummie time! Cummin getchoo sum nummies!”
You are Dandelion, a cherubic little pink unicorn colt who lives in a herd with your mummah and two sissies. Mummah says that you’re what’s called a “tawkie fwend.” That means you run all around the herd’s nesties to tell all the other fluffies what’s going on! You love being a tawkie fwend. Everyone knows you’re so smart because you can remember do many things!
You run by the big middle nestie where all the herd’s soon mummahs sleep. They’re all cooing and babbling and singing their soon-mummah songs. “Hewwo soon mummahs! Nummies cummin!” The big purple wingie dam Gwapejoos gasped. “Weawwy?! Hooway! Tummeh babbehs am suuuuu cited fow bestes nummies!” You grinned as wide as ever. It was always fun to see an excited soon mummah.
Next up was the poopie pile. The herd had a couple Poopy Fwends who lived over there to num all the poopies and give wicky cweanies to all good fluffies. They didn’t have to come over to the clearing for nummies like normal fluffies, they got to sleep all day! And unlike you, they had nummies all the time instead of just at nummie time. Sometimes you were jealous of the poopie fwends, but then you remember they have to num poopies. You don’t even want to see or smell poopies, let alone numming them. The poopy fwends must like it though.
“Hiya poopy fwends! It am nummies time! Dat mean ou gonna hab wots o nummies soon! Hooway!” The smallest poopy fwend, a half blind filly barely weaned off milk, chirps at you. “Cheep! Wan mummah! Wam miwkies!” You chuckle. Babbehs are all the same. “Nu wowwy poopy babbeh, ou nu need miwkies nu mow! Am weady fow big nummies!” You clapped your front hoofies together with delight. She merely huuhuued more. “Huuu bu’ poopy babbeh nu hab teefies… Nu can hab nummies, nee miwkies fwum mummah…” Dummeh babbeh. “Nu need teefies fow poopy nummies! Nu cwy, tummy huwties gu way soon!” You scamper off, eager to leave the smell behind.
Next up was wrangling in the Big Babbehs. They hate being called that, but it’s true. You’re a babbeh, and they’re bigger babbehs than you cuz they’re older. They can be meanies sometimes, but you’re smarter and the herd always has your back.
The six big babbehs are all out in the pway pwace where the herd keeps all their toysies they find. They’re kicking a ball around, and as you draw closer, you see they’re mostly just kicking it away from the three legged pegasus filly who got weaned recently.
“Nu faiw! Nu faiw! Wan pway wif baww tuuuu!” She was struggling to keep up. Her missing foreleg didn’t slow her as much as you’d expect, but coupled with how small she is, they’re way too quick and strong. “Dummeh babbeh nu wan dis, baww am fow fwuffies wif aww weggies!” That was the ringleader, a huge pink earthie colt named Bubblegum. His daddeh was the smarty, but you’ve met the Smarty. You’re pretty sure he knows his son is a dummeh! He sure doesn’t like you though. Even a dummy could see that.
“Watchoo wookin at, dummeh?” Great. At least yelling at you isn’t bothering anyone. “Am nummies time, aww fwuffies haf tu gu get bestes’ nummies nao.” He snorted and stamped his hooves. "Nu! Bubbwegum wan pway mow! Weabe Bubbwegum an fwends awone!" He kept snorting as though he had to vent air from his head. It didn’t make him look smart.
"Aww fwuffies hafta gu fow nummies. Eben big babbehs!" You knew that last one burned his ass. He snorted so hard he made poopies a little! “Hahaha Bubbwegum make bad poopies” One of his tuffies had spoken out of turn and Bubblegum booped his nose. “Nu make funna Bubbwegum! Bubbwegum nu dummeh!” He started waddling over to you. You turn to continue your route, figuring he’ll just follow, but you’re cut off. Another tuffy. Whoops. You’re clever, but you miscounted. Your momentary confusion is enough time for one of the Tuffies behind you to run up and give your back worstest stompies. You cry out.
“Owwies! Nu huwt Dandywion!” You squirm your leggies, but now there’s two of them pinning you. You hope someone heard you shout, this is the furthest part on the route, and you cant make good breathies down here. You’re regretting the “big babbeh” joke when Bubblegum comes around front of you.
“Dummeh babbeh awways teww Bubbwegum fings! Awways ack wike ou bettew den Bubbwegum!? Nu wike ou. Ou am onwy dummeh babbeh, Bubbwegum am big fwuffy. Nu wan wisten ou nu mow!” You keep your words to yourself this time. Better not to make this worse. He notices.
“Weww? Tawkie babbeh nu hab tawkies nao? Am wittwe chiwpeh babbeh?” He starts cheeping and his friends are laughing. Your back is starting to really hurt. “Otay…otay Bubbwegum. Dummeh babbeh sowwy. Pwease…pwease wet dummeh babbeh gu? Dummeh babbeh nu say nuffin, jus wet gu way.” Your voice was strained. It was still pretty hard to breath.
Bubblegum laughed. He was clearly happy with your newly softened tone. "Das wite! Nu gunna du nuffin. Dummeh babbeh. Onwy hab jobby wif hewd cuz ou hab dummeh facie pointie an Bubbwegum nu eben hab!" He made himself angrier. Great.
He turns and looks at you. No. Not at you. At…
“Dummeh babbeh nu need pointie. Bubbwegum wan pointie.” He was being upsettingly calm. This isn’t good. He steps towards you. “Nao gib da pointie tu Bubbwegum wite nao ow get huwties.” What? That’s insane. “Nu! Nu can gib pointie! Pointie am pawt ub babbeh facie! Nu cum awf! Onwy gu on babbeh! Nu can gu on Bubbwegum!” Wrong answer. He rears up and screams.
"Screee! Nu! Bubbwegum awweddy teww ou! Dummeh babbeh nu get pointie nu mow! Pointie am onwy fow Bubbwegum!" He punctuated his sentence with a stomp to your head. It hurts, but it’s funny. You get a little dizzy and make sicky wawa in your mouth. “Owwies! Nuuuuuu! Nuu take pointie!” He stomps again. “Nuuuu! Nu huwt Dandywion! Hewp! Hewp! Hewd sabe Dandywion!” He kicks your face twice. Hard. You feel some teeth crunch. Then more stomping on your horn! Every time he hits hurts so much, but every time also makes you dizzy and your head goes all funny.
Then you feel something give. His last stomp…moved your pointie place! That…that can’t happen, right? “Huuuu owwies pwease stahp…” You belch a weak plea for mercy. It falls on deaf ears. Bubblegum saw the crack forming and stomps again. This time it’s like you took sleepies for only a tiny forever. Wait…
No…
Something about the horn…
“Peeze…nu mow…huwt babbeh headsie…huwt…huwt Dandywion finky pwace…peeze nuuu…”
“Shaddup!”
Stomp.
“Owwies! Nu! Nu! Nu huwt finky pwace! Nu! Nu wan be dummeh!”
“Ou awweddy dummeh, dummeh!”
Stomp.
You can feel it. Your pointie isn’t supposed to move. It’s…it’s coming in. Why! Your thinky place hurts. Why? Oh right, the horn. Your horny place is on your thinky place and
STOMP
Ow! That hurt! What’s happening? Bubblegum is kicking you! When did
STOMP
No! Stop! No! That hurts oh god it hurts so much no stop it pl
STOMP
Nonononono stop stop stop stop stop
STOMP
Your name is Dandelion. You are a unicorn colt. Your mummah is sunbeam. Your sisters are
STOMP
NO! Your name is Dandelion! Your mummah is Sunbeam! You’re a colt! With a horn! You have tw
STOMP
OWWWWWW! IT HURTS! WHY?! IS THAT BUBBLEG
STOMP
NO! NO! NO! NO! YOU ARE DANDELION YOUR MUMMAH IS SUBNEEM YOUR COLT HAVE HO
CRACK
am dandy fwuffy hewwo hab nummy
mummah hewe hab miwkie babbeh wan
wewe mummah head huwtie hewwow am fwaffy
nummie smeww gud smeww gud nummie wat dat gu get
wub mummah hab nummies gud wub hooway