The bar was badly in need of a clean, Wokka thought as he slid along it, having been set in motion at the start of the fight when a patron was punched hard enough to enjoy Newton’s third and fifth laws of motion- for ever action there is an equal and opposite reaction, and for every action, a fluffy gets fucked.
“Dat nu wa bewwy nice mistah!” Wokka shouted, his booming voice making everyone else cower slightly before they, now trembling, got back to fighting.
Wokka skillfully plucked a thrown bottle out of the air before swinging it around and returning it to sender. The bottle made solid contact and the man went down.
Dropping gracefully to the floor, Wokka ran towards the biggest man in the room and slammed his hoof into his shin. A sickening cracking sound was heard and the man went down clutching his leg in agony.
Wokka quickly dispatched the rest of the combatants before putting on sunglasses and telling nobody in particular “Don’t ebah let me catch you in Fwuffyville!”
He then strode away, fading into the sinking sun.
Wait…
Almost none of that happened.
What actually happened was:
“Dat nu wa bewwy nice mistah!” Wokka shouted, his voice completely drowned out in the fight. After several near misses from thrown beer bottles, he was drenched by one that exploded right above him before someone grabbed him by the tail and hurled him at a very large man near the door. Missing his target, Wokka sailed right through the open door into the title sequence.
“WOKKA” Bold letters declared, “FLUFFY RANGER” and then were listed all the names of the people that nobody cares about while showing scenes of Wokka in action, although the phrase ‘nearby some stuff that was happening’ might have been more appropriate. After entirely too many names for such a low budget affair, the screen mercifully went to black.
Wokka was in his boss’s office, seemingly shooting the shit with his boss, another much fatter fluffy.
“Wokka, da weason dat Unnammed Fwuffy Boss cawwed yu hewe is dat dewe gonna be a cwime!” The rotund fluffy said, his legs flailing about, having long lost the ability to reach past his enormous gut.
“A CWIME!” Wokka shouted before awkwardly lowering his head as a chair that definitely was not held up by visible wires passed barely just three feet above him.
“YUS! An yu nee fin da cwime 'fowe it becomes da big cwime!” Unnamed Fluffy Boss said with such animation that he coated the entire wall behind him with feces.
“DA BIG CWIME! Wokka gon’ get wight on dat, wight aftah make gud poopies an hab gud nap timeie, an den hab Coca-Cowa, Wokka fabwite dwink,” Wokka said before walking off the desk.
A few days later, Wokka finally got a lead, as the director decided he might do better wearing a leash.
“DA BANK!” Wokka shouted, unprompted. He then waddle-ran as the scenery flew past him in a very realistic manner.
“Yu nu gon wob da bank!” Wokka declared as he pushed open the double doors, which definitely did not open because someone had tripped the handicap door open button.
“Dis nu am bank, dis am da pownogwaphy stowe, da bank am cwoss da stweet.” The fluffy behind the counter stacked high with copies of fluffy butt slutts fourrrrrrr looked rather confused, “Du yu wan sum pownogwaphy? We hab wots.”
“Oh,” was all Wokka initally came up with before a human arm from off screen shook him gently. “Wokka sowwy, Wokka nee go to da bank to stop da cwime, bu Wokka nu no whewe da bank am, su Wokka am jus goin’ in doows wike dey am da bank 'cause wun ob da doows has tu be da bank.”
Due to the fact that Wokka had improvised that line on the first try, the fluffy at the counter had not gotten bored and wandered off, and replied appropriately.
After waiting an awkward three hours for the fluffy at the counter to come back so he could tell him goodbye, Wokka gave up. He stole all the pens in the shop and wandered outside, accidentally slamming into the first fluffy he saw which was, coincidentally, the fluffy from the pornography store.
“Yu dummi-stoopi-dummi enfie-bucket! Wokka wanned teww yu goodbyesies, bu nu cud! Wokka wa waised tu be powite, ‘posed tu teww goodbyesies! NAO TAKE SOWWY ENFIES! ENF! ENF! ENF!”
After seven seconds of showing a fluffy literally being raped, the show cut to Wokka finally entering the bank’s doors.
“Yu nu gon wob da bank!” Wokka shouted at the bank teller, an obviously annoyed actual human employee.
“I’m the teller, there is no bank robbery, there is no bank robber, it’s monday morning and if you don’t have business with the bank you need to leave” She said, actively glaring at her boss for allowing the production crew to go forward with this nonsense.
“Sowwy!” Wokka said before stealing the chained pen, shitting on the counter, and somehow managing to get cited for jaywalking on his way out of the bank.
“Unnamed Fwuffy Boss!” Wokka said into a phone clearly held up by a human hand while Unnamed Fluffy Boss sat on the other side of a vertically split screen.
“Wokka nu found any bank wobbewy, bu den Wokka hab tinkies, wha ib da cwime nu am a wobbewy bu am a 'nodda diffwent bank cwime? Wokka nee go back to da bank!”
Unnamed Fluffy Boss did not respond, as he was just as dead as he had been at the start of the call, his eyes still lifeless and flies still swarming him.
There followed five seconds of video of Wokka trying and failing to get the phone back on the hook, before giving up and peeing on it.
“WOKKA FIGUWE IT OUT!” Wokka shouted at the teller, who was definitely not very obviously pushing the silent alarm button.
“Dewe nu am wobbewy, bu dewe am a cwime happen hewe!” Wokka said as he stole yet another chained bank pen.
“Of course there is, this is an investment bank, if we actually did our due diligence we’d have to report nearly half of all our customers to the FDIC. It’s in our best interest to not give two shits about, in your case, you embezzling the network’s new pen fund.” By this point she was hammering the silent alarm button as if hitting it hard enough might bring herself or Wokka to an instant, merciful death.
“GASP! Wokka am da cwime doah aww awong!” Wokka stole another chained pen as he turned around for the close-up shot. “Den Wokka nee fight Wokka!”
The editors absolutely remembered to remove the footage of Wokka falling from the bank’s counter.
“Den iz go tiem!” Wokka shouted as non-copywrited dramatic-ish music played.
The camera tilted for the roto-shot as Wokka ‘threw’ ‘punches’ which were definitely carefully edited to appear to land off screen before a cross shot showed a human fist punching Wokka, leaving the fluffy sliding across the bank’s polished marble floor. They also totally cut out three minutes of Wokka crying as someone off screen tried to explain to him why he was punched.
“So dis am sewious nao!” Wokka, stunt double fluffy, declared before ‘jumping’ (being kicked) across the room, and landing gracefully instead of dying splattered on a wall—That corpse was there when filming started.
“Wokka jus nee no wun tink,” He said with tears in his eyes, which were suspiciously red and his nose was running badly. “How could yu do dis awful tink?”
“Do wat tink?” Wokka said before being punched from off-screen.
“Wokka nao undastan dat wha Wakka di wa wong, whatebah it wa, su sowwy, gonna an hewo nao… what an hewo mea-” Wokka was cut off by a ‘self-inflicted’ gunshot wound.