AUTHORS NOTE: spoilers for the ending of Ozark. Not joking. Also go read @nobodyatall s entire literary canon NOW.
“I just don’t like the look of those slimy portals. They’re gross and they make weird noises.”
“Yeah, but you have to admit it would be handy to be able to cross dimensions instantly.”
Calvin and I are taking a break, eating in a restaurant in a small town in a place that looks like America. A guy with a shark fin haircut is working behind the counter.
“The infinite corridor IS instant, time isn’t moving in any universe while we go through here. Unless we look directly through a gateway, in which case time begins. A lot of it has to do with quantum entanglement and Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle.”
“Huh. Interesting.”
“And besides, the guy who made those portal guns is a dick.”
“You mean guys?”
“They’re all the same guy. Idiot made a big group of himself. Hate that kind of thing. I can’t think anything more self important.”
“What about the OMA? They’re all Calvins.”
“Fair enough. Perhaps I’m just angry that there are no Jackson’s in the OMA. You would think that time powers would be an indispensable resource for an organization aiming to preserve the multiverse.”
“Hey, you don’t know whether that’s true. There could be a hundred Jackson’s in the OMA for all we know. We don’t really talk to them that much. And I thought you were the only one with time powers?”
“I’m the only one whos existence is tied to the concept of time. There are a ton of Jackson’s with time powers, whether they be through X positivity, meta-humanism, technical augmentation, Stands, or simple crazy shit. Just like Calvins seem to be likely to be very strong, very wily, and very resourceful, it seems like Jacksons are likely to be scientific, time based, and focused on happiness and justice.”
“And gay.”
“Yes, and gay. The only Jackson I’ve seen that wasn’t gay was a bisexual mailman in the post apocalypse with a brain implant that let him slow down his perception of time to dodge bullets and move incredibly quickly. He killed like 7 raiders in 2 seconds with nothing but a golf club.”
“Jesus christ. Do you find it weird how most Calvins don’t seem to copy time powers?”
“Most Calvins know the risks of that. Time powers are very complex, and if you’re not an innate time user you can really make some mistakes. Even Jacksons with innate time powers need training to gain mastery of their powers.”
“But you didn’t, because of the whole ‘a part of time’ thing, right?”
“Right.”
“Cool.”
—-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello reader. This is Jackson Albert Clockson, of Timeline 999999. Cal and I settled on a timeline to visit. One that recently irked me. Perhaps I’m just as childish as CQK-9891.
“You don’t get it, do you? You don’t get to win. You don’t get to be the Kochs or the Kennedys or whatever fսcking royalty you people think you are. World doesn’t work like that.”
A private investigator with an Elvis like hairstyle stands next to a trampoline, holding a goat shaped cookie jar. He speaks to two people, a man who looks like he would be a good accountant, and a woman with a psychopathic glint in her eye.
“Since when?”
The sound of a shotgun cocking can be heard, which is around the time that Cal and I enter this universe properly.
The person holding the gun is a boy, no older than 15 years old, dressed in a nice suit. He points the gun at me when we make our entrance.
Before he realizes what has happened, I have the gun in my hands.
“It wasn’t in character for you to side with your mother. You spent the entire last season siding AGAINST her, and you suddenly flip the script at the last second?”
I hand the gun to Cal, who breaks it down using his nanomachines.
“Nowhere near as good an ending as Breaking Bad.”
Cal points to the PI.
“You, Tunnel Snake. Take the urn cookie jar thing to that FBI lady. We can make sure that they don’t try anything.”
—-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Well, that was fun. What next, we done here?”
“For now. If they do a sequel series we might have to return.”
“What do you mean ‘if’? I thought you saw time non-linearly?”
“Oh I do, but I don’t want to spoil it for you. And I’d rather let my mother see it before I decide whether to intervene.”
“I’m gonna pretend like that makes sense. What’s next, doc?”
“Well, I think that we should probably avoid things like that, for some reason I feel as if people wouldn’t want to see us retconning an ending to a TV show that pissed me off.”
“Fair enough.”
—-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As we decide to travel some random universes, helping people, I begin to think. It would take an awful long time for us to dispense justice to the multiverse just using ourselves. Wouldn’t it be more efficient if we had a team? Like the OMA?
…Something to think about, at least.
—-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Ooo, here’s an interesting Timeline, doc. One where a version of you got time powers and went bad-like, but wasn’t smart enough to go beyond his timeline. What say we show this wannabe time-lord a thing or two?”
“Look at that pompous fool. Sitting on a throne,stupid crown sitting on his stupid head, forcing the people to worship him or experience a thousand years of nothing. Yes, I think that we should put this simpleton in his place.”
—-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Jackson sits on a ridiculous throne in the white house, a ridiculous crown on his head, and a gold clock on a chain around his neck. A table sits in front of him, with a small foal sitting on it. Guards are posted just outside the oval office and around the house, armed with futuristic looking guns. Tanks patrol the streets.
“This is the part of the day that I look forward to the most. Well, this and the part of the day where the citizens of Jacksonville sing my praises.”
Jacksonville is what he renamed Earth, by the way. He isn’t very creative.
“Alright, fluffy, time to wake up!”
The foal make soft peeping sounds, rubbing its eyes with its tiny hooves.
“Gud bwite time nice mistah…” He says sleepily.
The foolish king smiles at the foal, picking it up and holding it in his hands.
“Gun pway? Gib upsies? Huggies?”
“Eh, you could say that yes.”
He takes one of the tiny limbs of the creature inbetween his index finger and thumb.
“Heehee, weggie huggies feew funny.”
The Jackson at the throne grins, and applies more pressure.
“M-mistah? W-weggie huwtie!”
More pressure.
“W-weggie! Wet gu weggie! Hewp!”
More pressure. The foal is hitting his hand with its tiny legs, obviously accomplishing nothing.
“Scree! W-weggie! Wet gu!”
Cracking of bones, and then…
“Squish!”
“Scree! Scree! Screeeeeee! Chirp chirp”
“Always good fun!”
The tyrant repeats this with the other 3 legs.
“W-weggies… weggies, h-huwties…”
Dammit, little bastard is passed out. Time to start over!
Click
“W-wuh? Weggies back?”
That ridiculous fool rewound time for something like that?
“Again!”
I can’t watch this nonsense anymore. This fucker has to die.
—-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cal and I step through the gate.
“Ugh, yes what is it, can’t you see I’m busy relaxing?”
The idiot turns to face us.
“Oh. You aren’t my lackeys. Who are you?”
“I am Jackson Albert Clockson. I’m you.”
“Well you look the part, aside from the doofy mask. But there’s only one Jackson Albert Clockson, and that’s me. The big JC! You know, like Jesus? I’m saying I’m Jesus.”
“Yes yes I got that that part, we aren’t as stupid as you are.”
“I expected a God complex but I didn’t think he would actually take it that far.”
“Who’s your metal pal?”
“I’m Calvin Korkea.”
“I still can’t believe there’s people ACTUALLY named Calvin! And I’m pretty sure I killed the last one I met. A lot. Dumb bitch didn’t see the power dampener coming from a mile away.”
“I’m sorry, what happened?”
“Oh you wanna know the story! I love this one, tell it to the loyal subjects all the time.”
Cal whispers to me.
“God fucking dammit can we just kill him already?”
—-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“So there I was, using my super cool badass time powers to rob banks, yeah? I get into the vault by simply rewinding to a time when the vault was STILL being built! Can you believe it?”
He might be a fucking moron, but he does seem to have a grasp of his powers.
“So I’m in the vault, yeah, and as I’m loading bags up with cash and shit, I find this weird ass collar, just sitting on the ground. I’m like, eh, fuck it, could be useful. So I pocket that.”
“Ah, the video game logic. I understand.” Cal says, nodding.
“Right? You never know what useless junk might come in handy. Anyway, As I’m getting ready to slip through the fourth dimension, the vault opens. In walks the savior of humanity, taking a break from fighting space aliens and robot nazis to stop a bank robbery. Talked about fucked priorities, eh?”
“I don’t think that belongs to you.”
“He tries doing his justice speech or whatever, then walks over like he’s gonna handcuff me.”
“I don’t know what powers you might have, but they certainly seem dangerous. We might have to get you tested to see if you’re an omega class like me.”
“I’m not really listening to him at this point, I’m just trying to figure out a way out of this fuck up. That’s when I remember the collar. Thinking quickly, I slow down time, grab that collar, and slap it on that sucker.”
“W-what the hell is this? A power dampener?”
“Get this, that collar left him like a sitting duck! He couldn’t do shit against me! So I say fuck it, point at the dumbass, and age him into dust! It was great!”
“You… you killed Earth’s mightiest protector? Why?”
“Why not? It was fun! Granted, some of those space fuckers came over to investigate, but I just pointed at their ships and aged THEM into dust!”
“Is… Is there no anti-temporal technology in this timeline?”
“Don’t know, don’t care. Now I’m the only superhero left! Until you assholes showed up at least. Which brings me back to the present. Who the fuck are you guys REALLY?”
“We are from another timeline. We are exactly who we say we are.”
“It doesn’t fuckin matter who we are, why the fuck did you kill me?”
“You don’t look like the Cal that I killed. Mind takin your helmet off, so I can get a better look?”
Cal turns the nanomachines making up his helmet translucent, giving a rather clear view of his face.
“Dammit, thought I could get you to let your guard down. Yeah, I see the resemblance now. Granted, he had powers. I can tell you don’t have powers. Wouldn’t need the suit otherwise, now would you?”
“I don’t need powers to kick your ass.”
The version of myself stands up and opens his arms.
“Then by all means, demonstrate.”
Cal dashes towards the version of myself, but something about this Jackson seems off. (AUTHORS NOTE: was gonna say ‘something about this jack seems off’ but then i was like ‘oh fuck, jack off’)
It’s as if his whole demeanor has changed.
“Doc, make sure this asshole doesn’t try to age me into dust. That wouldn’t be fair.”
“Got it. Be careful.”
I’ll also be reverting any unfavorable outcomes, of course. I don’t want the other me to know that.
“Long as you don’t interfere in any other way, Me, I’m happy.”
Cal’s nanobot-clad fist heads for other-Jack’s face, and the Jack smiles.
The Jack blocks the punch, grabbing Cal’s fist.
“You’re gonna have to be quicker than that.”
Before Cal can register what has happened, the Jack punches him in the chest, sending him flying across the room. Cal collides with a desk.
“W-what the fuck?”
“Shit, that desk was imported mahogany! Goddammit.”
“Doc, does this asshole have any other powers?”
“If you’re thinking super strength, Black Mamba, think again. I’m no stronger than the average planetary conqueror.”
“Dammit. Is it those gauntlets he’s wearing?”
“Wrong, that’s strike two! Let me give you a hint: do you know the equation for force?”
“Dammit I’m a businessman and a vigilante, not a scientist!”
The equation for force… F = M x A. The faster something is moving, the more force there is behind it. That’s why a bullet moving as fast as it does has more force than a football moving as fast as IT does…
“Time’s up, robot man! Looks like you lose!”
The Jack, standing clear across the room, pulls out a very nifty looking revolver, a true big iron if I’ve ever seen one, with an ivory handle and a clock emblem on it, modified to hold 7 bullets.
“Say goodnight, Black Star.”
In what would seem like an instant to Blackstar, the revolver is emptied of all 7 bullets. 6 of them fly towards Cal.
A cloud of nanobots in front of Cal eats the bullets.
“Next time, don’t call your attacks.”
The Jack just laughs, points towards Cal, and snaps his fingers.
“Bang!”
A bullet strikes Cal in the side, breaking through a weak point in his armor caused my redirecting some of the nanobots into the cloud shield.
“W-What?”
“You only got 6 bullets! The 7th was frozen in time until I deemed it necessary to fire! You did exactly what I thought you would do!”
The nanobots are already entering the wound and repairing it.
“Alright, that was a good shot, I’ll give you that.”
“Yeah, too bad it’s only good for 7 shots.”
He throws the revolver to the side. Dick, that’s a cool revolver.
“Now we can fight as warriors! Hand to hand! It is the basis of all combat! Only a fool trusts his life to a weapon!”
“Good thing I don’t consider my suit a weapon.”
Cal stands up, cracking his neck, and gestures to the other me.
Next time we find another version of myself or Cal we need to come up with some sort of alias.
“Come on!”
The Jack dashes forward at mindboggling speed, fist heading directly for Cal’s chest.
Incredibly, Cal manages to move, guiding the Jack’s punch into a nearby wall, sending him tumbling out of the oval office.
“I don’t remember the formula for force, but I do know that things going fast hit harder, and are harder to stop.”
Ah, he increased the speed of his punch by speeding up his local timeline, letting him put more force behind his punch. He’s not as dumb as I thought, I’m gonna have to start trying that.
—-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We both look through the newly opened hole in the White House. He’s in the bushes. Evidently, a family of fluffies was living nearby.
“Huu huu, why mistah faww fwom sky?”
“Mistah am otay?”
“Dummeh! Git off smawty’s housie!”
He stands up, dusts himself off, and readjusts his crown.
“Gotta hand it to you, that was pretty clever!”
Cal jumps down, flying overhead and landing a good bit away from the other me. I stop time and walk out of the White House like a normal person.
What?
“Come on, I can’t hit you from over there!”
“Looks like that’s a problem we don’t have in common!”
Cal sends a fist shaped clump of nanobots at other Me, which he blocks using one of the nearby fluffies. It’s about as effective as blocking a punch with a wet tissue, but a lot more messy.
“Didn’t think that would work, but it was funny!”
I can see it on Cal’s face, the fluffy violence is something that’s getting to him.
“T-They weren’t involved in this! This is just between us!”
“Look if these little fuckers wanna live on my lawn, they’re gonna have to accept that sometimes they get caught in the crossfire. They pay rent too, you know. Where do you think I get the foals I like to play with?”
He looks around, picking up the smarty.
“Why dummeh hooman give bad upsies? Why gib fowebah sweepies to pwetty mawe?”
“Hey Cal, I think I found a solution to my problem!”
“Wha’ dummeh doi-”
He throws the smarty at Cal with pinpoint accuracy and mindboggling speed. Cal blocks it with his arms.
It being a fluffy, however, it doesn’t exactly damage Cal physically.
The fluffy on the other hand, liquefied on impact. Cal is covered in blood, guts, fluff, and fragments of bone.
Other Jack laughs.
“Holy shit! I wasn’t expecting that! Had a lot of blood for such a small thing, eh?”
Uh oh. I don’t think Cal is going to like that. He has a bit of trauma when it comes to fluffy death, as you probably know unless you skipped the first part.
Cal looks down at his arms, seeing the blood of an innocent, if assholish, creature covering him.
“That’s on you, Cal! It wouldn’t have died if you would have just stayed in your own world!”
I speak up for the first time in what seems like ages.
“You knew that fluffy wouldn’t hurt him.”
“Oh it hurt him alright, just not in a way that’s readily apparent!”
“You knew it would touch a nerve. You’re doing psychological warfare now.”
“You can see it on his face! He lost one of these fucknuggets, and now he wants to protect them at all costs! Pathetic. Is he crying? Are those tears I see?”
Cal clenches his fists.
“Anytime you wanna end it, robot boy, let me know and I can age you to dust too! Or are you gonna have a ‘now I’m REALLY angry’ moment?”
Cal looks back up to him, and starts walking towards him.
“Oh, you’re just gonna walk over here? Where’s the acrobatic flips you were doing? Or the nanobot dashes? You’re just gonna wa-”
Cal grabs him by the neck and lifts him up off the ground.
“GHK!”
Cal squeezes, and the other me’s face starts to turn red.
“LH GH, LH GH”
Cal squeezes harder, as the other Me is futilely trying to get out of his nano-augmented grip. He’s punching Cal’s arm, to no avail.
“GH!”
Time stops for everything but me and him. He can’t tell it hasn’t stopped for me, he’s a little preoccupied. He reaches up, and peels back Cal’s fingers.
He drops to the ground, and time resumes.
“Gah! J-Jesus! H-heh, that was a little too close for comfo-”
Cal kicks him in the ribs while he’s on the ground catching his breath and talking.
He goes flying across the lawn.
“OW! What the fuck dude, I thought talking was a free action!”
He coughs a little, spitting up blood onto the verdant grass.
Cal calmly resumes walking over to him.
“Oh no, no, I’m not letting you get close! Stay the fuck away from me!”
Cal finally speaks again.
“So you forfeit? You can’t attack me without resorting to using a weapon or aging me into dust.”
“F-fine, whatever, you win. I thought it would be cool seeing you let your anger take over but it just fuckin HURT.”
Other Jack stands up, coughing into his hand.
“Ah, fuck, I think you might have broken a rib or two. Make no mistake, just because you won here doesn’t mean you two are leaving this place alive.”
He points to me.
“I’m gonna take care of you first, so you can’t protect him the way you said you could. Say goodbye, asshole-me.”
As I figured, nothing happens.
“I-It usually doesn’t do this. Give it a couple seconds.”
Still nothing.
“What the fuck, why isn’t it working?”
Still nothing.
“Are you wearing one of those ‘anti temporal devices’ or whatever?”
“Do you think you’re the only one with power over the flow of time? I don’t need an anti temporal device to resist you. Your powers are certainly well developed, and you have much more of a grasp on temporal mechanics than I was expecting, but they’re still just X-Positive.”
“What do you mean?”
“I was woven into Time itself. You’re simply using time. I AM time.”
“Y-you’re on crack! You’re just an X-Positive like me who’s a little too a-arrogant!”
“You’re out of your depth. And frankly, I think this universe has had enough of you. There is no place for you in the Heaven that I seek.”
Other me takes a step back.
“Your existence is a problem for the multiverse. A problem that I WILL RECTIFY.”
Another step back.
“N-no, look man I’ll do whatever you want. I-I’ll fix everything, I’ll set things right! I’ll go on the straight and narrow, never hurt another person again! P-please don’t kill me!”
“I’m not going to kill you. And you aren’t going to die.”
He looks over at Cal.
“D-do something! Help me out, ‘hero’!”
Cal just crosses his arms and looks at him.
“This is the same way Cal felt when you aged him into dust.”
“G-goddammit, no, it can’t end like this!”
“Goodbye, King Jack.”
I snap my fingers.
“Noooooo!”
In a flash of light, space distorts at his position, and he’s gone.
He isn’t just gone. He never WAS in the first place.
“So… So that’s it? It’s over?”
“Yes. It’s over. This timeline is gonna start shifting soon. We might not want to be around for it. Wouldn’t want to interfere any more than we have. Cal is gonna come back, and he and whatever heroes exist in this world can protect it.”
“Am… Am I gonna forget what happened?”
“No, I don’t think you will. Not this time.”
“Why?”
“I don’t want you to forget. Maybe now your memory can be protected by the ripples in time we cause.”
“I don’t understand.”
“It doesn’t matter. Bottom line, you’re going to remember what happens from now on. For better or for worse.”
“Ok.”
Cal looks down, realizing once again that he’s covered in fluffy.
“Can we go to the Inn between worlds? I need to wash this off.”
“We should probably spray you down before we go in.”
Before we do that, however, I head back into the oval office.
“Can never go wrong with a revolver.”
There’s no way in hell I’m leaving this behind. Even if I don’t use it that much it looks badass.
“We couldn’t have like, let me use a shower?”
“Look, the White House had the hose just lying there, it was convenient.”
“Couldn’t I have just, I dunno, used my nanobots to clean it?”
“Yeah, probably, but this is funnier.”