This was originally posted to news websites in timeline #00347-FAF on Wednesday April 1, 2080. Timeline terrorists attempted to repost to Fluffybooru on April 1, 2019, and were intercepted by Timeline Police. It is with the permission of the Timeline Police that a redacted version is posted here, in celebration of Fluffy Stomping Week.
Ask FluffiesAreFood
Special Fluffy Stomping Week Edition
Hello Fluffherders, and welcome to a special Fluffy Stomping Week edition of Ask FluffiesAreFood! If you have any questions, just post them here!
Yesterday marked the beginning of Fluffy Stomping Week throughout North America. This historic event has its roots in the days where fluffies roamed in wild megaherds, eating local vegetation, fouling local waterways with waste and corpses, breeding like rats, and nonetheless organizing into primordial societies.
The First of April marked the end of the Cold Times and the start of fluffy populations starting to pick back up. In order to prevent wild fluffies from being a blight for another year, locals would organize Fluffy Stomps to kill as many fluffies as they could find. The object was for everyone in the community to stomp to death as many fluffies as they could. Sometimes the adults would corral parts of the megaherd so that children could get in on the action. Prizes were given for the most fluffies confirmed stomped to death, the most artistic stomping, and the stomper that elicited the most pathetic begging from a stomped fluffy.
As years went by, fluffy eradication became less of a community event and more of a national project. Stomps became less common as Operation Fluff-B-Gon tried to eradicate the gigaherds with poison gas, explosives, biological agents like Fluff-E-Bola and Fluffpox, and [[This has been redacted at the request of the Timeline Police]]. Unfortunately, none of this worked, and the environmental devastation caused by billions of fluffies left the 2020s economy in shambles.
Shortly after the dissolution of the United States, however, starving masses to turn to eating fluffies in desperation. The discovery that fluffy meat is tasty and nutritious made fluffies into a valuable commodity nearly instantly. Everyone worked as fast as they could to redomesticate the gigaherds and megaherds as food animals.
Nonetheless, fluffy stomping continued after the 2030s as a form of nostalgia or Americana.
For example, the famed Il Club Fluffy would, every April, offer its diners the chance to stomp and then eat a fluffy. Diners would pay one million EUSA dollars (that’s $1000 WUSA) to pick out a particularly vicious smarty or spoiled mare. The smarty or mare would lambast the humans with vitriol and demands, much to everyone’s amusement. It would then become time for the diner to engage in stomping. Il Club Fluffy had a particular order to its stomping to ensure maximum suffering. It started with kicking the fluffy in the head to knock it over and stun it. One massive stomp would then be administered to the hindquarters to break the hips, followed by a mandatory sixty second waiting period for the fluffy to scream and for the diners to laugh and cheer. A further stomp would be administered to each of the four leggies, with a similar waiting period for cheering, drinking of vodka, and laughter at the fluffy’s plight. Another stomp would then be administered to the ribcage, making further breathing for the fluffy total anguish as the ribs stabbed the lungs. Finally the diners would cheer the diner to stomp the fluffy on the head and crush the skull, which the diner, by tradition, would try to do with maximum creativity and style. The stomped fluffy would then be taken away, to be butchered and prepared as a secondo by sous chefs trained in the art of meticlously deboning a fluffy whose skeleton had been artfully destroyed.
As this offering was at once expensive, sadistic and extravagant, it was a big win among New York’s elite of Russian financiers eager for a taste of American tradition and the famously depraved upper echelon of the National Populist Workers Republican Party. Thus fluffies in red-white-and-blue with WASP-sounding names (for the Russians) and in shades of brown and yellow with Asian- or African-sounding names (for the NPWRP elites) were especially raised for this fate.
Il Club Fluffy is gone, but the fluffy stomping tradition continues nonetheless. For the first time, Fluffy Stomping is part of the Summer Olympics, and the rules dictate that points are awarded for the artistry, technique, and sadism of each stomping. I will, of course, be at the Summer Olympics in Glasgow to report on this event, and also the fantastic Glasgow fluffy dining scene. Be sure to follow and like to keep these reports in your stream!
Ask FluffiesAreFood is a service of the Fluffherders’ Association of America. If you have a question about raising, slaughtering, or eating of fluffies, you may comment here.