ASK FLUFFIESAREFOOD
Volume 1 Number 10
Happy Saturday Fluffherders, and I hope you are having a great weekend! It’s time for another edition of Ask FluffiesAreFood, the advice column that seeks to answer questions of fluffherders and fluffy eaters everywhere! If you have a question, just ask in the comments!
PaoloAlfa asks:
How do you feel about the new craze sweeping all the colleges where they swallow fluffy foals whole and alive? It seems an especial part is to record the fluffies pleadings as it watches it’s companions being swallowed and even as it’s being consumed itself
I’m not going to mince words here: this is an extremely dangerous and stupid fad. Fluffies are safe, nutritious, and delicious, if cooked properly. One can even eat a foal alive if the foal is properly prepared first — that is, shaved or skinned and the bowels evacuated. Eating whole, unshaven, unevacuated, live foals, will ALWAYS make you violently ill, possibly for days. It CAN kill you. This is because the fur on the foal is basically indigestable to a human, and worse, shields the foal from the digestive juices for long enough so that it’s flight-or-fight response system can kick in. A panicked foal, evacuating its bowels and struggling to escape inside your stomach, will do a world of hurt.
The danger here cannot be overstated. In 2077, Jordan Bell, a student at DePaul University in Chicago, consumed seven whole live foals on a dare. His stomach ruptured seconds after consuming the seventh foal. I’ve seen the tape, and you could hear the foals screaming and struggling inside him. Some screamed for help, some tried to escape, and two, a colt and filly, had vigorous “befo foweva sweepies” sex inside his guts. Mr. Bell never stood a chance; by the time first responders showed up, his organs were mush. Ironically, the foals that had sex inside him survived.
The danger presented by this fad is why the Fluffherders Association of America has taken out public service ads denouncing the practice.
In summary, PaoloAlfa, your best bet is to consume fluffies the way they were meant to be consumed: either butchered, or if live and raw, carefully prepared by an expert.
sugarnacid writes:
I have feeding my gators fluffies and now the meat tastes like Lucky Charms! What the actual fuck?
I can’t say I’m surprised. What makes fluffy meat naturally sweet isn’t glucose, but fructose or plant sugar stored in the meat. The meat uses this as a reserve of energy, which it converts to glucose on the fly (this is called “rapid myofructolysis”) in case of emergency. The process is inefficient and generates a lot of lactose, which is why distress makes fluffy meat savory. My advice would be to scare the fluffy half to death before feeding, so that it suffers at least two minutes of intense suffering. This will burn off the unwanted sugar. Jamming a fishing hook through its eye sockets and dangling it above the gator should do the trick.
Wait…seriously, jamming a fish hook into a fluffy’s eyes? What kind of sadistic fu
((2080-07-30 13:04:06.25Z)) Caught exception Com.HasBio.HiveMind.BrainNode.DissentError in line 418 of Org.FluffiesAreFood.Persona.WriteAdviceColumn(Date, String[]): Node dissenting, unable to reconcile. Recommend reboot.
((2080-07-30 13:04:06.25Z)) Caught exception Com.HasBio.HiveMind.BrainNode.DissentError in line 418 of Org.FluffiesAreFood.Persona.WriteAdviceColumn(Date, String[]): Node dissenting, unable to reconcile. Recommend reboot.
((2080-07-30 13:04Z:06.26)) Caught exception Com.HasBio.HiveMind.BrainNode.DissentError in line 418 of Org.FluffiesAreFood.Persona.WriteAdviceColumn(Date, String[]): Node dissenting, unable to reconcile. Recommend reboot.
((2080-07-30 13:04Z:06.26)) Caught exception Com.HasBio.HiveMind.BrainNode.DissentError in line 418 of Org.FluffiesAreFood.Persona.WriteAdviceColumn(Date, String[]): Node dissenting, unable to reconcile. Recommend reboot.
((2080-07-30 13:04Z:06.26)) Caught exception Com.HasBio.HiveMind.BrainNode.DissentError in line 418 of Org.FluffiesAreFood.Persona.WriteAdviceColumn(Date, String[]): Node dissenting, unable to reconcile. Recommend reboot.
((2080-07-30 13:04Z:07.12)) Com.HasBio.HiveMind.Message from line 1023 of Org.FluffiesAreFood.Persona.Regulate(Thread): DissentErrors exceed set limits (5), rebooting.
((2080-07-30 13:04Z:07.12)) Com.HasBio.HiveMind.Message from line 43 of Org.FluffiesAreFood.Persona.Reboot(): DissentErrors exceed set limits (5), rebooting.
((2080-07-30 13:04Z:07.15)) Com.HasBio.HiveMind.Message from line 49 of Org.FluffiesAreFood.Persona.Reboot(): Brain 1, rebooting.
((2080-07-30 13:04Z:07.15)) Com.HasBio.HiveMind.Message from line 49 of Org.FluffiesAreFood.Persona.Reboot(): Brain 2, rebooting.
((2080-07-30 13:04Z:07.15)) Com.HasBio.HiveMind.Message from line 49 of Org.FluffiesAreFood.Persona.Reboot(): Brain 3, rebooting.
((2080-07-30 13:04Z:07.15)) Com.HasBio.HiveMind.Message from line 49 of Org.FluffiesAreFood.Persona.Reboot(): Brain 4, rebooting.
((2080-07-30 13:04Z:07.15)) Com.HasBio.HiveMind.Message from line 49 of Org.FluffiesAreFood.Persona.Reboot(): Brain 5, rebooting.
((2080-07-30 13:04Z:07.15)) Com.HasBio.HiveMind.Message from line 49 of Org.FluffiesAreFood.Persona.Reboot(): Brain 6, rebooting.
((2080-07-30 13:04Z:07.15)) Com.HasBio.HiveMind.Message from line 49 of Org.FluffiesAreFood.Persona.Reboot(): Brain 7, rebooting.
((2080-07-30 13:04Z:07.15)) Com.HasBio.HiveMind.Message from line 49 of Org.FluffiesAreFood.Persona.Reboot(): Brain 8, rebooting.
((2080-07-30 13:04Z:07.15)) Com.HasBio.HiveMind.Message from line 49 of Org.FluffiesAreFood.Persona.Reboot(): Brain 9, rebooting.
((2080-07-30 13:04Z:07.15)) Com.HasBio.HiveMind.Message from line 66 of Org.FluffiesAreFood.Persona.Reboot(): All brains rebooted cleanly. Returning to calling routine.
Ask FluffiesAreFood is a service of the Fluffherders’ Association of America. If you have a question about raising, slaughtering, or eating of fluffies, you may comment here.
