ASK FLUFFIESAREFOOD
Volume 1 Number 11
Happy Monday fluffherders! I hope you had a fantastic weekend! It’s time for another edition of Ask FluffiesAreFood, the advice column that seeks to answer questions of fluffherders and fluffy eaters everywhere! If you have a question, just post here!
Anonymous asks:
I have recently began professionally been preparing fluffies for parties and other get-togetherness a few months and have only recently heard of a method of cooking with an internal heating appliance where a heating element is inserted via anus or vagina.
I am wondering if these methods would be, with proper cleaning, sanitary and:or produce a more even taste cook of the meat before considering this method.
I’m glad you asked, Anonymous! Cooking a fluffy from the inside is a time-honored tradition, going back to pre-fracturing America when abusers would heat irons with acetylene torches, coat them with canola oil, ram them into legboarded fluffies, and then leave the fluffies to die of their injuries. The result of that is a very dead, completely inedible fluffy corpse, suitable only for composting. Since then we have learned the proper way to cook a fluffy from the inside. If done properly, you can cook a live fluffy perfectly with intense internal heat, resulting in a juicy, savory roast.
Several complete recipes are found in my book, The Art of Cooking Fluffies. But the basic steps are the same.
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Immobilize the fluffy in a skinning harness, and strap a tear collector on its face to harvest the sweet fluffy tears. This is easy as long as the fluffy is convinced that you’re playing a game.
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Put on hearing protection. A fluffy can be very loud, and its pain scream can top 115 decibels, or louder than a jet engine. The Fluffherders Association of America recommends using both foam earplugs and external hearing protection, the combination of which can bring noise levels down to a loud but still acceptable 85 decibels.
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Insert a permanent anal plug into the fluffy. You can buy a package of ten at any butcher shop. The permanent anal plug inserts easily and has a ring of quick-sealing adhesive at the base to seal the anus. Doing this will prevent “sorry poopies.” (Warning: this step cannot be undone, so once you do this, there is no turning back.)
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OPTIONAL - Skin the fluffy. Most fluffherds prefer to preserve the hide of the fluffy as much as possible, so they can use or sell the colorful fluff. However, this shortens the fluffy’s lifespan considerably, so you will have to act quickly from here.
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Remove the fluffy’s genitals. Use a sharp fluffy knife to cut the genitals free to where they emerge from the pelvis. Cut a circle around the anus and partly free both connecting tubes from the pelvis.
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Expose the fluffy’s GI tract. Do not plunge the knife through the skin. Otherwise, you’ll likely pierce the intestine and spill its contents into body cavity, which could contaminate the meat. Instead, insert your knife point under the hide only, and make one long, single incision up the belly. Stop this incision at the bottom of the rib cage. Instead, apply only enough pressure, with short, repetitive strokes, to crease the skin, fat and abdominal muscle tissue. As the tissue separates, use your fingers to enlarge the opening. This exposes most of the organs of the lower abdomen. Stop short of the diaphram to keep the fluffy breathing. A breathing fluffy is an alive fluffy!
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Gut the fluffy. Reach in with your free hand to the top of the stomach, to find the esophagus. Carefully sever the esophagus with short, deliberate strokes. Once this is done, reach behind the stomach and intestines, and draw them out. Use the knife to remove any connective tissue. With practice, the entire procedure from removing genitals to removing the guts can be accomplished in thirty seconds.
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Insert hot items into the fluffy. You mentioned placing an electric cooking iron in the fluffy, and there are many available that will do the job. I personally prefer to use a pair of fist-sized “cooking stones” for this step. Heat them in an oven at 500F degrees for fifteen minutes before you begin the slaughtering process. Hot metal objects can also work. Whatever you use, the heat will sear the fluffy from the inside, causing pain so intense that not even being near death will lessen it to feel better than burning at the stake. The fluffy will keep screaming until the diaphragm or lungs are cooked, so keep your hearing protection on!
From here, the screaming, live fluffy is freed from the tear collector and skinning harness, and placed in an oven, pressure cooker, slow cooker, or other cooking device, as required by the recipe. Remember to keep your hearing protection on until the screaming dies down!
PaoloAlfa writes:
Dear FluffiesAreFood;
Is there any truth to the rumor that unicorn fluffie’s horn is a powerful aphrodisiac? I gave some to my gf and she slapped me silly then threw me out of the apartment where she is now living with 3 rather large immigrants from Nigeria, what happened?
There’s a lot to unpack in this short question, PA, so let’s just do them in order.
First, there’s no truth to the myth that unicorn horn is an aphrodisiac. A unicorn’s horn is made of keratin, the same substance as human hair, human fingernails, and a fluffy’s fluff. Introducing it to your or your partner’s system will not make you or your partner aroused, or increase your sexual pleasure, except by means of placebo effect. The Fluffherders Association of America officially condemns the marketing of unicorn horn as an aphrodisiac. Unfortunately, this has not stopped unethical fluffherders from engaging in this dishonest practice.
As for your girlfriend, first, she enthusiastically consent to being exposed to an aphrodisiac, even as a placebo? If not, then that signals that your relationship might have had other problems. Frankly, she could just be sick of your shit and wanting to explore her sexuality.
I have heard of this phenomenon before, and in my experience, when a man becomes controlling of his girlfriend only to have her run off and enter a relationship with multiple well-endowed men, this is almost always because that man is addicted to 4chan. 4chan used to be a site for dignified people to discuss events of the day. However, since they banned fluffy ponies from their boards, it has become a wasteland for useless human beings who have nothing better to do but wallow in their self-hatred and self-pity and direct their anger at others instead of doing what it takes to fix themselves. In short, it’s gone from countercultural to asshole factory.
That brings us to the good news, PA. You can stop being an asshole. All you need to do is STOP READING 4CHAN and start getting out into the real world more. After a few months of this, your dignity and suitability as a partner will be restored to normal.
Remember, PA, the /b/ stands for /b/eta /b/astards. Best of luck!
Ask FluffiesAreFood is a service of the Fluffherders’ Association of America. If you have a question about raising, slaughtering, or eating of fluffies, you may comment here.