ASK FLUFFIESAREFOOD
Volume 1 Number 18
Happy Monday, Fluffherders! It’s time for another edition of Ask FluffiesAreFood, the advice column that seeks to answer questions of fluffherders and fluffy eaters everywhere! If you have a question, just comment here!
Today, we have a long one, and it’s based on this question by Anders_Breivik:
Dear FluffiesareFood, as far as I know fluffy meat is regarded as “Harram” due to the fluffy having some pig DNA. Any advice on how to cook fluffy meat to make it look and taste as chicken, turkey or cow meat? I want to defile some fucking Muslim by tricking him into gorging in shitpigrat meat!
There’s a lot to be addressed here.
First of all, what you’re proposing is personally distasteful to me, as I’m sure it is to almost all of my readers. In addition, it’s a crime in the reunited USA to trick someone into eating food that is against their religious principles, or to misrepresent fluffy meat as another kind of meat. To be quite honest, I thought that we Americans learned our lessons about hate after The Fracturing.
Secondly, it’s a myth that fluffy is universally considered haram (sic), or that it is haram because of the presence of pig DNA. The truth is more complicated. I asked Prof. Rasheed Wall, professor of Islamic Studies at Stanford University, to clarify the matter.
Faf: Professor, thank you for meeting with me. Can you clarify the Islamic position on the eating of fluffy meat?
PRW: Well, I’ll do my best, but the truth is that there is no one Islamic position on the eating of fluffies. Obviously, the widespread eating of fluffy meat is a new practice, barely fifty years old, and one that the Koran does not specifically address. Because Islam is not a centralized religion with any one person being the true authority, it is up to Islamic scholars, or imams, to offer their own teachings on how the Koran applies to the eating of fluffies. And here, opinion is divided as to whether fluffy meat can be halal.
Faf: Really? Wow!
PRW: Indeed!
Faf: Can you go into some of the arguments for fluffy meat being halal versus haram?
PRW: Roughly speaking, it comes down to the fact that we don’t know the origins of the fluffy. As you know, scientific analysis of fluffy DNA is illegal in most countries as a violation of Hasbio’s intellectual property rights.
Faf: Indeed, that has been a matter of much contention among fluffherders as well.
PRW: This has also been a matter of contention among Islamic scholars. Because we do not know the origins of the fluffy - because it is, in effect, an artificial animal - it becomes a matter of whether one believes the question of the origin of the fluffy is relevant.
There is consensus among Islamic scholars, for example, that lab-grown meat is halal, as long as the meat is grown from a suitable animal that was slaughtered according to Islamic practices. So, lab-grown cow, goat, kangaroo, camel, sheep or deer is halal - again, as long as the donor animal was slaughtered according to Islamic practices. Lab-grown pork, on the other hand, is haram. So is beef grown from cells from a still-living donor.
In the matter of the fluffy, however, we know next to nothing about the origins of their DNA. And so, there are Islamic scholars that say, because we don’t know the origins of fluffy DNA, we have to presume that some of the DNA could be from haram animals, such as pigs or donkeys or still-living donors. And, as such, we have to presume that the fluffy is haram.
Other Islamic scholars, however, believe that we need to look at the upbringing behavior of the animal itself. A land animal is considered halal if it meets the following requirements:
First, it must have flowing blood in them. Check!
Second, it must survive on grass and leaves. Most fluffies fail to meet this requirement. However, if a fluffy is raised on grasses, as many domesticated fluffies are, then the resulting fluffy can be halal.
Third, it must not prey on other animals.
Faf: (Laughter)
PRW: I know, I know, the idea of a fluffy preying on ANYTHING is hilarious. But it’s a consideration that needs to be made.
Fourth, the animal cannot be poisonous or impure. Again, if a fluffy is raised by a responsible fluffherding operation, this should be no problem.
Fifth, the animal cannot not consume impure things to the extent that it creates bad odor in its meat and milk. Again, a properly domesticated fluffherding operation can follow these guidelines.
So, in conclusion, it is quite possible for a fluffy, raised under the proper conditions and slaughtered according to Islamic law, to be considered halal.
Faf: So, that brings up another question. Since it’s possibe for fluffy to be halal, are there fluffherding operations geared towards breeding, raising and slaughtering halal fluffies?
PRW: Oh, certainly! You won’t find them in stricter Islamic countries such as Saudi Arabia or Pakistan. However, more liberal Islamic nations, such as Tunisia or Pan-Arabia, have extensive fluffherding operations. And of course you will also find them in the Western United States.
Faf: Do you personally eat fluffy?
PRW: Yes, and in fact one of my favorite foods is fluffy shawerma.
Faf: I would love to try fluffy shawerma someday!
PRW: It’ll be my treat! But I haven’t covered the most interesting teachings about fluffies. You see, there are Sufi sects that believe that because fluffies are intelligent and compassionate creatures, not only should they not be eaten, but they should be treated as brothers and sisters, and even shown the light of Islam. And, these sects protect herds of Muslim fluffies!
Faf: Wow! Really? Muslim fluffies?
PRW: Yes! It’s controversial of course, and most traditional sects, Sunni and Shia alike, reject this idea; but Sufis have always gone their own way.
Faf: Fascinating! So, how would a fluffy become a Muslim?
PRW: Well, I suppose the same way anyone would. They would need to believe that the Holy Quran is the literal word of God, revealed by God himself. They’d have to believe that the Day of Resurrection is coming; in the prophets that God sent, including Moses and Jesus; in the books God revealed, including the Torah and the New Testament; and in God’s angels. And of course, they’d have to accept Islam as their religion, by testifying.
Faf: But they’d have to learn Arabic and testify in Arabic, wouldn’t they?
PRW: Yes, by stating the Arabic sentence, “La ilaha illa Allah, Muhammad rasoolu Allah,” which means, “There is no true god but God, and Muhammad is God’s Prophet.”
Faf: Huh. “La il…”
((2080-07-30 13:04Z:07.15)) Com.HasBio.HiveMind.Message from line 49 of Org.FluffiesAreFood.Persona.Reboot(): Brain 6, rebooting.
PRW: Are you okay? You look like you had a seizure?
Faf: Huh? What?
Ask FluffiesAreFood is a service of the Fluffherders’ Association of America. If you have a question about raising, slaughtering, or eating of fluffies, you may comment here.